Okay I know that I have been flooding this blog with posts since Teacher reminded me that he asked me to write in it twice a week. Getting back in the habit of posting things in here is good for me anyway, its the one place I can actaully mention all elements of my life rather then have to hide what is going on, what I am thinking and feeling and just how much I want to one day be more then just a girl that teacher is training and want to be his.
Teacher and I were out for most of yesterday, having been out and getting home fairly late I didn't really expect anything from Teacher last night but typicaly he went and surprised me. We had a conversation about what things are just privelleges and then he decided to show me just what was a privelege and placed me under those restrictions again. No speaking without permission, no touching or look at him without permission, no eating, drinking or bathroom without permission and to drive it home a little more he also took away my name so rather then being called by the name given to me by my mother when I was born I was just girl or slave or slut or what ever he wanted to call me.
I know that I should not be surprised when he does things like this anymore, should not be surprised when he wants to use me or play with me or do anything with me but I am so use to someone for who using me was a chore and just something that he had to do to keep me happy. Its hard for me to come to terms with the fact that someone can use me, someone can tie me up or whip me or do what ever else because they really want too and enjoy it to me that is a strange concept.
Anyway with restrictions on he decided that he wanted me to come outside with him while he had a smoke. He had me wear only my slip and bra and kneel on the concrete head touching the ground while he did. I felt my heart rate speed up and some adrenlene start flowing as I knelt there listening to him talking to me, telling me that I had three things to be thankful for right at that moment. 1. That he allowed me to wear clothes outside, 2. That he allowed me to come out with him and have the pleasure of his company and 3. that he was putting me in my place and letting me know what I was. You know what at that moment I really did feel more of a slave then I have in a long time and really wanted to hang on to that feeling. Its how I want to feel and I am so grateful that he put me in a position where its what I was feeling.
Once he finished outside Teacher had me follow him inside crawing from the front door to the bed and then waiting kneeling by the bed until he said that I could get on it. As we lay on the bed me being careful not to touch him, or speak without permission he decided that he was going to use me. I don't need to go in to details of that all I will say is that as he used me I had my bra and slip on and somehow being used while wearing those items still made me feel even more like I was just a slave, just a slut, just a toy to be used when ever adding to that the restrictions and not being able to look at him while he was using me made it feel even more like i was just a slave to be used and it was amazing.
As I have said before restirctions are hard for me more so in the begining when they are first used on me then after that have been there for a few days and I have adjusted somewhat. They make me feel more submissive and remind me of what I am, remind me that I have given control over to someone else and by placing these restrictions on me or taking my name away from me he is utilising his control. At the moment these restrictions have made me feel like I have handed even more control across to Teacher and I can't but help to wonder what I have left that is mine and not his to control and everytime I hand control of something else over I want to give more. It seems to be this cycle that goes around and round in circles and I can't seem to stop it. I hand the control over and it makes me feel good so I want to give more to him. Sometimes I want to give myself to him but I know at the moment he would not accept me and knowing that, even knowing the reasons why does hurt a little bit. I want to be his girl, his slave, his slut, his toy, his friend and companion, his lover and everything else that goes along with it but I will have to wait and hope that time doesn't change things, hope that time doesn't make us just friends and never able to be anything else. In the meantime I will be grateful for what I have after all what else can I do?
Oh as a last note restrictions are not currently on as he is at work.
Willow
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