Feeling guilty (M/s)

Last night Master and I came across some issues. I admited to him that I had not been following my rules because I wanted him to enforce them, in other words I was topping from the bottom. I felt so ashamed of myself and like such a bad slave that I couldn't look at him and didn't want him to touch me so I rolled over, faced the wall and tried to block the world out. I made a comment along the lines of withdrawing was easier and I know that I really hurt Master. Right at that moment I was convinved that he was going to leave me or send me away and my mind was trying to get in a place where it could deal with that. We talked things through though and his not leaving me but it was still scary and I hate that I hurt him.

He tells me not to worry about it that we can forget it and move on but I can't forget it. I feel guilty, I feel bad and I feel like I should be punished for topping from the bottom, for breaking rules and for hurting Master like I did. Without being punished for doing wrong I don't know if I can forgive myself, don't know if I can let the guilt go regardless of what Master says. I am almost at the point where I need him to punish me so badly that I will beg him too. Beg him to whip me, spank me, hurt me until the guilt is gone and my mind is clear.

Right now I also wish that we were in a position where he could train me more and break me. Not just a little break but the big break that I want him to do one day. The big break that I know will be hell, that I know will hurt like hell on all levels and that once started I am likely to beg him to stop but i don't want him to stop regardless of how much I beg. I don't want to have safewords or limits that are not his limits. I want to be his completly. I know that this type of want is often considered dangerous edge play and something that should be left it the realm of fantasy but I don't want it left there. I have so many bad habits and fears from previous relationships that I need them broken, need to be broken down and built up again to be the slave that he wants and needs.