Some days are better then others (V)

Some days are better then others, today however is not one of those days.
When I met up with Nathan yesterday he asked me if I had worked out long term plans for the cats. The answer and what may be the sad truth to that question is that right now it seems as though the only solution is going to be to attempt to re home them and if that doesn't work they will have to go to the Rspca. I don't want them to go to the the Rspca, I know that if they do then there is a high chance of them being put down after all they are not cute kittens which means they will not be re homed easily. I miss my kittys so much that it hurts to think about this, so much that I can't look at a photo of them without ending up in tears. I love those animals as if they were my children and I hate being in this position where there is just nothing that I can do about it.

I resent where i live because I can not have even one of my kitty's here. Resent it because I pay rent yet its not really my home after all in my home I would have my pets. Resent it because the house mate does have a cat (and its the only cat i have ever come across that I hated) Resent it because I don't have privacy, because I am just not happy here. Adam keeps telling me its a means to an end and that we will have our own place soon and thats a thought I have to cling too but I know that it is highly likely that where ever we do end up I will not be able to have my kitty's back. I don't even want to go and visit the boys in Coorparoo because i know that if I see my babies I will lose control and end up a mess.

Money is always stressful at the moment. I get about $500 from that I pay $210 for rent/board, $100 to my laptop and $70 to Hogans. It really doesn't leave me with much and I am going to have to buy my way out of my gym membership because I just can't afford to keep paying $50 a month. Perhaps one day in the future I will find myself in a better position but right now things just feel hopeless and are getting me really down. Friends keep telling me how they now have money to go out and do things or buy what ever they want and I sit here thinking thats nice for them and turning in to the green eyed monster because I struggle to afford anything. To have this money stress after so long a period of time where I didn't really have to worry about it is starting to wear me down.

I am thinking that even if my uni debt is cleared up that I won't be able to go back as I need to find a job so that I can support myself and have a little less money stress. Though if I don't go back to uni then I am giving up on my dream and my future security. Guess I need to find part time work and combine it with part time uni until I finish my degree.

I am lonely, stressed and depressed today. I feel like the majority of my friends don't give a damm about me and that hurts when I care so much about them. My bestfriends never contact me it always seem to be me contacting them. Cameron has been working out in the mines for over a year now and that combined with his move to Sydney has really effected our friendship. In the begining I would see him and spend time with him when he was back in Brisbane then he moved but would still make the time to come and see me on his way through Brisbane, now I haven't seen him in months and I miss him. Every so often he calls me but it is starting to feel like he only calls me because he is bored and wants to talk to someone not because he misses me and really desires my company. My other best friend has been distant for months even before Nathan and I broke up but now its just worse. It really hurts.

I have Master which is great and i love him and know he loves me but beyond him I feel all alone and isolated and right now I am just not coping.

Willow