unhappy (M/s)

Words can not really express how much I am longing to be in that submissive/slave mindspace that not so long ago I lived in. I can't really explain how much I am craving that Master/slave interaction and everything that goes along with it from the rules that I must follow on a daily basis to hearing his voice when he gives me an order or the feelings that run free inside of me when we are 'playing.'

I am not quite sure how we got to this point where our day to day life is vanilla and has been for what feels like an eternity. I know that on the surface we can say it is because of our living situation but when i think about it I don't know how much that really holds up. In the begining we were not vanilla even when other people were home, in the begining the dominance and submission was always there no matter what it was we were doing. When people went out we took the chance to play and do things together even when we didn't know how long they would be. We stayed up late at night so that we could do scenes after people went to bed and in our day to day life and interactions there was never any doubt as to who was in charge... so what happened? I miss that life. I feel like now we are just vanilla without even the chocolate topping and it makes me sad. I want to go back to being chocolate, I am willing to put in the effort and work it takes to get back there even while knowing that going from feeling vanilla to being chocolate again can be an emotional journey and for me a difficult one but I am willing to take that journey, need to take that journey because I am not happy how things are currently standing.

Master and I have been having a lot of little problems of late and when I really stop and thing about it I wonder if its because the dynamic has changed between us. Is it happening because both of us have no idea where we stand anymore? Is it happening because neither of us is happy with this relationship right now? I don't want to just be his girlfriend and a bedroom submissive. I feel like a liar when I say that I am a slave these days because is reality right now I am just vanilla. As I type this entry tears are falling and I have to admit that I have cried a lot lately because i don't know if this is going to work. I want to be his slave, want him to be my Master and its not happening. I left the last relationship I was in because my needs were not being meet and I don't want to have to do that again.

We have toys sitting here that we have never even used. A hood that I wanted for a long time that has not even come out of its bag. Will they ever be used?

Willowmoon