I'm tired today but thats not a big surprise considering I had class this morning and slept badly last night. I got home this afternoon and decided to try and just have a friendly conversation with one of my house mates Lybbie, things have been tense there since we had some issues last week. She kind of carried on a tense conversation with me one of those one sided things where getting anything meaningful is like getting water out of a stone. She mentioned while I was talking to her that she thinks that Brad and I need to talk. Now the way she said it implied that Brad has a problem with me and she wants us to sort it out. Okay so yes all four of us has issues last week but I said one thing and one thing only. I said that her child nicknamed squid was out of control and of course this was not taken too well and from what I can tell and have been told upset her and Brad.
I know that there were better ways I could have said it and that they must have felt that I was making a personal attack on them but thats so far from the truth. I was frustrated as squid had spent hours throwing tantrums and throws tantrums most days. To me this is out of control. I didn't mean it as a personal attack but just wanted them to begin to do something to fix his behavior. I was tired after uni, sick and grumpy that night and I think most of us were tired. To me now in hindsight it seems like such a minor thing that I just want us all to get over and move on but it doesn't look like that will happen.
I have been told in the past by this couple that I have to have a thought about everything, that I always have to be right and that I make other people feel bad and not want to talk to me because they feel like no matter what they say to me I know better. Of course I have thoughts on everything don't we all? and in a discussion you share your thoughts on things if the topic comes up right? Okay I will be honest I know that I can get a bee in my bonnet about some things and if I am 100% sure of something I hate it when someone corrects me and tells me that I am wrong. In those situations (they are usually related either to something I am studying or something that is a hobby/interest of mine) I do tend to not listen to what someone else is saying because I feel that I know better and I will often go out of my way to get proof that I was right and they were wrong. I know this is one of my worst traits and I know it annoys people so I try and catch myself when I realize that I am doing it. The things that have been spoken about in this house that they are annoyed at my attitude tend to be things to do with health care of nutrition and I get annoyed that they won't listen to me when I have worked in the industry, am studying in the industry and have a lot of personal experience in the industry.
Since that day last November when I was told those things I have shut down a lot, not just when I am home but also when I am with my friends. Nathan and Cameron have both commented that I am quieter then I use to be and that I don't tend to share as much or join in conversations as much anymore, I tend to only put my ideas forward when it is something that is important or when I am asked a direct question other then that I sit back and just observe the conversation flowing around me. Its lonely living life this way and sometimes it makes me want to just avoid doing anything with anybody but it is easier then upsetting people I care about and so it is a sacrifice I make.
I got on to talking about me not talking when I was meaning to talk about something else. What I was going to say is that I don't feel Brad and Lybbie like me, I feel as though they only accept me because I am with Adam and would much prefer that I not be around. I try to show an interest in their life, ask them how they are, how there day/weekend has been, how their hobbies are going and get barely any feedback and I am starting to get frustrated that they show no interest in my life as friends usually would do. They never ask how uni is, or how my day was so why should I bother trying to be friends with them?
From now on I think that I will just attempt to keep the relationship with them to one of house mates not friends. I will be civil and polite, clean up after myself and try to impact there life as little as possible. It won't be long now until we move out of here and then things will be much nicer for me in my home situation but the question is will I ever go back to being the Jen that my friends know, the girl who is always happy to share who thoughts without prompting... to be honest I don't think I will. I think that there is a small scar somewhere deep inside that has changed me and made me a different person and this is one of those differences between the old Jen and the new Jen.
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