So very sad (V)

The last few days have been very up down going from being happy and laughing one moment to sad and crying the next, its a cycle that keeps repeating itself and I honestly don't know why. Master and I keep seeming to get into arguments and fighting and it is really upsetting me and making me cry more then I have cried in a long time. Its over litte things mostly but everytime we argue it feels like a knife digging in to my heart and makes me deeply sad. I just want the tension and the arguments to stop, I just want to be happy and serve my Master.

Right now I don't know why he would want me or why he loves me, I feel like all I do is cause problems, like I am a really bad person that doesn't deserve to be here. Master may say that I am being silly but this is how I feel right now. He tells me that he loves me because I am caring, he tells me he loves me because most of the time I am obediant. He tells me that the slave doesn't need to know why Master loves her and why he wants her and now I feel worse because right at the moment I do need to know. When ever we fight or discuss it afterwards I feel as though they are all my fault. I feel as though I can't say or do anything right and like any time I open my mouth I am going to say the wrong thing. It might just be easier if I say nothing at all and live a silent life or perhaps easier if i just go away and live on my own somewhere that people don't have to be subjected to the bad person that I am.

In the past I have had a problem with self harm, my body bares many scars of this past. Right now for the first time in about a year I am urging badly to hurt myself. Urging to see the blood and feel the pain as I cut myself. To feel the release that I only feel when I hurt myself and see that blood but can not explain the feeling of release to anyone else. I can't do it though, can't hurt myself again when I have been doing so well, can't hurt myself again and dissapoint the people that for some strange unknown reason care about me and my well being. I can't stand the dissapointment I see in their eyes when they see fresh cuts and I don't think I could handle dissapointing Master like that. So right now all I can do is lay here and cry and do my best to resist that urge that I thought I had at last mastered.

Willow