Last night something snapped inside of me and I found myself attempting to break Master's rules on purpose. This wasn't a case of 'i forgot' but a case of 'I don't care and will do what I want.' See I was feeling alone, I was feeling like we were/are just living a vanilla life with little bits of topping ever now and again. I was feeling resentful of Master playing card games with my bestfriend and not spending time with me when I had been waiting all day for him to play with me. My brain snapped and said to me that I don't care if its bad attention at least its something so i broke a rule and then became very defiant about it. When Master sent me to the bedroom to think about it I was angry and so instead of doing what he wanted me too I decided I was going to go to bed. That didn't last long and my anger went away and I began to realise what I had done and feel extremly guilty for it which caused me to try and withdraw from Master because I didn't deserve his attention or his touch. Master punished me with the cane though today I still feel guilty, still feel like the issue hasn't been dealt with despite what Master says.
This incidant has made me stop and look at our relationship and life. Vanilla wise its great but there are areas lacking in the lifestyle side of things. Most days life feels vanilla, I don't feel like a slave and most of the time am not treated like a slave. (but do i really want to be treated like a slave ALL the time?) We don't 'play' often anymore and usualy when we do its small scenes that are lucky if they go over an hour in length or something happens that pushes out of that mindset and we can't go back to what we were doing. I am craving playtime, craving being Master's slave for him to do as he wishes both in play time and in day to day life. I talk to other slaves who all have so many rules and things they must do that they never forget that they are slave and not just a girlfriend. Is the issue that as we get closer to one another and know each other better that it becomes harder for Master to be a Master and not a boyfriend? Before we were together it was great. I knew my place, we played often and I felt like the slave but now I just feel like the girlfriend who plays at being a slave on the weekends. How we fix this I don't know. I asked/suggested before we moved that we find some daily rituals to help keep both of us in the right mindset but apart from that what can we do?
Right now I am feeling guilty, I am feeling confussed, I am feeling sad and just want to cry. I don't understand whats going on and without understanding it how can I make it better? I love Master and my Master, as my boyfriend and future husband (mmmm I like that word) and as my best friend. I know that what ever it is we can figure it out and fix it but right now it doesn't feel like it.
Ra'anna
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