I need sex (M/s V)

Its really bad when you are dreaming of having sex with people you have played with in the past. This particular dream should have had a triple X rating and has left me feeling a little guilty... feeling guilty over my dreams thats a new one. In this dream was Frank, a friend of mine from Sydney who I have slept with a few times in the past and played with a little bit in the past long before I ever meet Master. For some reason I was at his place watching TV and one thing lead to another and we were in the bedroom with him tying me up and procedding to use me as he wished... nice dream but it wasn't Master in it. I know a lot of people would freak about dreaming about someone other then their partner but not me, I know that dreaming of sex with frank does not mean that I want sex with Frank rather it means that I have a need that has been a little neglected and that I need to be more careful to have that need meet. Why Frank well I think that has something to do with the fact that the last thing I did before bed last night was read my friends live journals and his was the last one I read.

Argh a dream has got me so horny that I wish Master was here so that I could seduce him, stuff the whole topping from the bottom thing (in this case anyway) The way i feel at the moment I think that I would be ready to pounce him the moment he walked in the door. Yes I know I prefer it when he is control, I prefer it when he has me tied down and I can't do anything about it, I prefer it when he is rough and takes me hard so that I really feel it and really feel like I am being used (On my knees seems to work best for this as it almost hurts) Right now I want to be teased and tormented, played with and then used until there is nothing more in me to give and the feeling of anything touching the little button is more painful then pleasurable. Somehow I think a month without sex was a very very bad idea.

Anyway on to something non sexual. We held the first under 35 munch yesterday at our local coffee club and I have to say I think it went fairly well. There were more men of woman there but I expected that and somehow more Dom's then subs but we got 10 people on a Sunday afternoon after hellfire and partys the night before, I think thats doing well. There was some fun comversation and laughs and the afternoon was a pleasant and enjoyable one that I would be happy to repeat again in the near future. There is one woman in the group that i don't particularly like but perhaps if i give her a bit more of a chance and get to know her rather then judging her on face value that will change.

An update (M/s)

Its been a while since I last posted here so here I am making amends for that. One of Master's orginal rules was that I was to post in my blog on a regular frequency, somehow I don't think I have been doing that and after thinking it over I have come to the conclusion that if I want things to be 24/7 with Master, if I don't want things to keep going almost vanilla on us then I have to keep up with the rules that Master has set even if he doesn't remember what those rules are himself and even if he doesn't notice me breaking them I still have to do my best to uphold them. Yes sometimes I am just too sick to uphold some of the rules but as long as I give it my best effort then I am being true to myself and not living a lie.

So whats going on in our lives? Both Master and I have had our birthdays, we are now both 26 years old which I know is counted as still being babies by a lot of people within the scene but in our personal lives we are well and truly adults. To that end we are making descions about our lives together and where we want to go. The two biggest things that have come out of these conversations is deciding to get married...

Yes we are getting married and yes it is something we decided together there was no big romantic proposal and as yet there is no ring, I know that when he has the ring there will be a proposal but one was not needed to decide that we want to be married in the vanilla world and at least once we are married the vanilla world will somewhat see the strength of our relationship. In the flavored world that is our lifestyle we are still considering a formal collaring ceremony at some point in the future, really making me his slave and property and to me that formal collaring is more important then the vanilla wedding. Both are exciting though.

The other big thing is deciding that we want to try and have a baby next year, to that end I am on a diet, trying to lose weight so that I can conceive easier and have a much healthier pregnancy then I would being 50 kilos overweight. My goal weight is 75kg my current weight is 117kg so I have a long way to go but I know that with Masters help, a desire to have a baby and a wedding to lose weight for that I can do it.

Master and I have not played much in a while, I haven't been well and on days when I am okay he has been tired after work. Sometimes the real world really does get in the way of having our fun. It doesn't matter though I don't need play to know that Master loves me and wants me as his slave. Hopefully we can pull it together enough to scene sometime soon.

Hellfire is on this weekend, I don't think that Master and I are going as we can't really afford to and I don't have anything to wear. (The theme is drs and nurses this month so our friend Jess will really have something in theme to wear) though I am becoming more active within the Brisbane community. I started an under 35s list which has a fair few people on it and I am now finding myself in a position where I am about to be handed the reigns of the subbie union meaning as well as organizing munches and events for the under 35s I will also have subbie union things to organize such as classes and demonstration as well as munches and modding the groups site. I am actually quite happy to be getting more involved within the Brisbane scene it opens the doorway to new friendships and opportunity's and puts me in a position where I am known within the scene which is something I have envied in some of my Melbourne and Sydney scene related friends. It also makes me look good, makes Master proud of me and brings his name in to good standing within the community. After all if I can juggle a household, uni, two active groups and my other hobby's without cracking it says good things for my character and Master's training of me.

Fantasy and reality (M/s)

Fantasy and reality, how often do they get mixed up in this lifestyle that we live in? Look how many people come to the scene thinking that a slave should be in chains or caged anytime the Master has no use for her or how many slaves look for Master's that will 'break' them. Sometime the reality is far far different from the fantasy and just sometimes something happens that brings this home again, tonight Master and I had one of those things happens that make you remember reality exists.

Master has a rule, If i am wearing my (His) collar and I want to go to bed I must ask his permission, when he says yes I am to go and kneel next to the bed with my head on the floor until he comes and unlocks the collar and allows me to go to bed. Simple yes? Well I guess thats what I thought too. I have been sick lately and so a lot of things have gone sliding by including some of these rules but today being Masters birthday I wanted to be the perfect slave and so followed them to the letter... the only problem with this is that its 10 degrees outside, I was wearing a short skirt and singlet top and kneeling on a hardwood floor. I waited... I waited some more and then some more thinking that Master was only a moment away but reality interfered and Master bacame distracted, 40 mins later I was still kneeling waiting and shivering, almost in tears and starting to think really bad mean unslave like thoughts about the things I wanted to do to Master while on the other hand focusing on my breathing and repeating over and over 'I am a slave, I suffer for my Master's pleasure and this brings me pleasure' the breathing and affirmation helped me ignore the bad thoughts and cold mostly but now as I lay here snuggled in bed under the warm feather doona and the heater going to warm me up I have got to thinking.

Did I infact do the right thing. On the surface yes I was following Master's rules but on a deeper level I was putting myself in danger and thats not a good thing for any slave to do. Should I have infact taken responsibility and got out of position to go and find Master and see what he wanted me to do, was I clinging to the fantasy of being the 'perfect' slave while ignoring the reality that it is a freezing cold night and I am already sick.

Just ranting

I honestly can not remember that last time that Master and I played and it is really starting to get to me now. I know that he was up for it (Yes yes bad pun) last night but for some reason I just could not switch on, I guess it could have soemthing to do with the fact that it was the early hours of the morning and I was tired and sore but still if its not me having an issue its him having an issue, there is always something that gets in the way and I am tried of it.

Today was a public holiday, usualy on a public holiday I expect to spend time with my partner but not today, Today I was busy studying mostly but everytime I did take a break and go in too the loungeroom Master was so busy on his xbox that after a few moments of trying to get decent conversation out of him I went back to my computer and kept studying or playing WOW when I was taking a break from study.

I know that he will respond by saying that I was studying and he didn't want to disturb me but that kind of response is starting to wear thin and makes me feel as though all the blame is on my shoulders, like it is always my fault that these things don't happen and its not always my fault damm it, I am so sick of people putting the fault and the blame back on my shoulders and not wanting to take any responsability for it themselves. Like the other night when we had that argument on the way to the shop after discussing it with Master I was left once again feeling that it was my fault that I was in the wrong and he had done nothing wrong when I know thats not the truth.

I am not in control in this relationship he is suppose to be so he should come and get me or call for me when he wants me. (Unless the problem is that he doesn't want me but I am not going down that train of though tonight) I don't want to have to control this relationship and top from the bottom like I use too but something has to change and soon other wise I think that I am going to explode. Coming and giving me a kiss every so often when I am doing something is nice but damm it I need more, I need him to tell me when he wants me not hint at it.

Why is is that everything is always my fault? Why is it that he is unable to take any of the blame for our arguments and always puts them back on to me. Why is it that if I try to talk to him about how he has made me feel by the end of the conversation I feel as though I was in the wrong and did something bad by him and the way I was feeling or the issue that was the problem goes ignored because he now feels bad about the wrong thing that I did.

I am so tired of having to watch before I speak, of having to hold my thoughts and feeling back and keep them to myself. So tired of being afraid to speak, being afriad to feel. What is going on here?

You know what? Now I feel guilty about making this post and want to delete it but Master has a standing order that I am not to delete things from here. Oh well I guess I should prepare for my fight afterall what else could come out of this?

Willow

Crashing back down to earth.

I had a good night celebrating my birthday with friends, I was in a good mood and had enough energy that I was up for doing something with Master (Anything at all would have been nice) but in about two minutes everything changed. Its funny how quickly things can change, how quickly you can go from feeling really good to feeling as though you are falling down a deep hole with nothing to catch you and you just keep falling and falling.

I don't even really know what happened, I was telling Master about a conversation that I had with a friend tonight and paused to gather my words together I could swear that I only paused for a second but according to Master it was longer then that and he got really upset with me because I had pretty much just said that I managed to have a private conversation and he didn't know what it was about. Okay I can see why that would be upsetting but I only paused before I was going to continue and tell him what was said in that conversation. He got angry with me and snapped at me and I couldn't help myself I was so hurt that he was using that bad tone of voice with me that when he told me off for my tone of voice I turned around to him and said don't you use that tone on me.

I don't know why he got so upset and so angry with me pausing but now I am sitting in my study in tears, the good mood I had from my birthday all gone and just wishing that I had stayed at home tonight rather then going out and wasting all that money. It is getting to the point where I feel so isolated and alone because I don't talk to him much about the important stuff, I am always afraid that I will say something that he will take wrong and flare up over so its just easier to say nothing at all. Then when I do get upset and he sees it I withdraw and have trouble saying anything and then he gets upset with me for ignoring him. I'm not ignoring him at those times I am getting control of myself, stopping the tears and mentally trying to find some sort of balance point that I can cling too until I feel strong enough to climb all the way up.

As he just said to me they may be little things to me but to him they are big things however how can I avoid this things if I have no idea what the triggers are? How can I avoid the fights, the anger, hurt and tears if I don't know what it is I am suppose to be avoiding.

I don't want to feel alone anymore, don't want to feel untouched and worthless, don't want to cry when I am all alone and everybody is out of the house and I don't know if I have the strength to keep my mask in place anymore.

Happy Birthday to Me (M/s V)

Its my birthday today, I'm 26 years old.

Master gave me a lovely necklace and earring set and we met up with a friend for coffee this morning, this evening we are going out to dinner and the movies (Goldclass) with my friends which I have been looking forward too for the last week. Theres just one problem though while I have been looking forward too it for a week, what I really would have liked for my birthday was for Master and I to spend the day together and doing a nice long scene but unless we manage to get home early that has no chance of happening. If not a scene then something romanctic such as him binding my hands and blindfolding me then giving me a bath, time where I could just focus on his hands on my naked skin and feeling his love and control through the touch of his hands. I am craving physical touch at the moment, have been for a week or so now. Master and I have been touching each other but still I feel almost as though there has been no touch between us and its making me sad and has left me feeling rather alone. We haven't played in some time either (about two weeks) and thats making me sad and having me wonder whats going on, If i have done something wrong or if his just not that in to me anymore.

I know we are Master and slave, I follow the rules asking before I sit on the furniture, eat food or drink anything but apart from those few things it really does feel vanilla. I don't really serve him as a slave should serve her Master and he does more housework then I do most weeks so in that area I'm not really being a slave either. If I am not serving him and not keeping the house clean then in what way am I his slave and not just his vanilla girlfriend? I don't expect 24/7 to be all whips and chains and being left in a cage when he has no use for me but I guess I also didn't expect it feel this vanilla. Perhaps I am so use to the rules and knowing that he is charge that instead of feeling flavoured its so normal to our life that its vanilla if that is so then how can we make it chocolate again?

A tiny little part of me was hoping that Master would choose today to propose to me, though the rational part of me knew that it wouldn't happen today that little hopeful part kept putting the thought it the back of my head and I am feeling a little bit dissapointed and then I feel guilty for feeling dissapointed.

A rose by any other name... (V)

Is it wrong that I like the slave name Master gave me so much that I think it would be nice to legaly chance my name to Ra'anna. Its a pretty name with a pretty meaning and is so much better then Jennifer.

Ra'naa/Ra'anna/Rana - Origin: Muslim Meaning:To gaze. Look beautiful. Graceful

See much better then Jennifer and its the name that Master gave me. Changing a name is a huge thing but if Master asked me too I would do it happily for him. To me it would be a huge sign of my acceptance of his domiance and control over me, A huge sign saying to the world that I am his slave, his property, his pet because after all it was him that named me.

Then if I was changing my name I would also need to change my last name after all I will be changing it when I get married anyway but does Ra'anna Mc... really sound right? I have known of people who when they got married decided that together they would change their last name and take on a new on together I think that this is a beautiful idea but what name would suit Adam and I? He used Knighteyes as I nick on some things and Knight does sound good but there are pleanty of other names out there that are just as good. It would be fun to choose a last name together and break free from our familys and make a family crest for ourselfs while we are at it. Oh well i'm just dreaming again.

Ra'anna.