Just ranting

I honestly can not remember that last time that Master and I played and it is really starting to get to me now. I know that he was up for it (Yes yes bad pun) last night but for some reason I just could not switch on, I guess it could have soemthing to do with the fact that it was the early hours of the morning and I was tired and sore but still if its not me having an issue its him having an issue, there is always something that gets in the way and I am tried of it.

Today was a public holiday, usualy on a public holiday I expect to spend time with my partner but not today, Today I was busy studying mostly but everytime I did take a break and go in too the loungeroom Master was so busy on his xbox that after a few moments of trying to get decent conversation out of him I went back to my computer and kept studying or playing WOW when I was taking a break from study.

I know that he will respond by saying that I was studying and he didn't want to disturb me but that kind of response is starting to wear thin and makes me feel as though all the blame is on my shoulders, like it is always my fault that these things don't happen and its not always my fault damm it, I am so sick of people putting the fault and the blame back on my shoulders and not wanting to take any responsability for it themselves. Like the other night when we had that argument on the way to the shop after discussing it with Master I was left once again feeling that it was my fault that I was in the wrong and he had done nothing wrong when I know thats not the truth.

I am not in control in this relationship he is suppose to be so he should come and get me or call for me when he wants me. (Unless the problem is that he doesn't want me but I am not going down that train of though tonight) I don't want to have to control this relationship and top from the bottom like I use too but something has to change and soon other wise I think that I am going to explode. Coming and giving me a kiss every so often when I am doing something is nice but damm it I need more, I need him to tell me when he wants me not hint at it.

Why is is that everything is always my fault? Why is it that he is unable to take any of the blame for our arguments and always puts them back on to me. Why is it that if I try to talk to him about how he has made me feel by the end of the conversation I feel as though I was in the wrong and did something bad by him and the way I was feeling or the issue that was the problem goes ignored because he now feels bad about the wrong thing that I did.

I am so tired of having to watch before I speak, of having to hold my thoughts and feeling back and keep them to myself. So tired of being afraid to speak, being afriad to feel. What is going on here?

You know what? Now I feel guilty about making this post and want to delete it but Master has a standing order that I am not to delete things from here. Oh well I guess I should prepare for my fight afterall what else could come out of this?

Willow