Then and now

Things are different now from what they were a year ago, I guess thats to be expected though as people grow and learn new things all the time. My relationship also is different then it was a year ago and again that is to be expected.

A relationship is like a fire, it starts of hot and hungry, consuming those involved in it, it is high energy and doesn't stop to think it just burns with an intense passion and desire to explore one another and really get inside of one another. If the foundations are strong the intense heat and energy of the begining fire calms, it butns just as brightly but not as fiercly and takes longer to consume something, the heat becomes a nice warming background to your everyday world, something that is always there to fall back on when it gets cold but it doesn't consume your every waking moment, thoughts and desires. It burns strongly with just a little bit of care and sees you through the long cold hard winter.

Now I know that things change as time moves on, trees grow buds that turn to leaves and then turn golden and fall from the tree, some plants last for one season and then die while others keep going along the same cycle year after year. Our whole lives and the world we live in are cycles within cycles.

Knowing that things change and will continue to change is a comfort, it means that little things that frustrate me now, in time may grow in to something else and no longer frustrate me. It means that the little voice inside my head screaming at me that I am living a lie may change its cries and become something else. Why does it scream I am living a lie? In the begining Master and I had many conversations that went along the lines of 'if you had a slave how would you treat her? What would you expect of her? What would you do to her? and the answers from way back then do not match with the reality of now.

A year ago I would get butterflies before Master and I played, i didn't know what to expect but now I kind of do, I know that he won't push me too far or hurt me more then I can handle, I know that he loves me and cares about and that he will not release me for not being a good slave, and knowing those things changes the way I think and feel about the relationship and my status as slave. Knowing him so deeply and trusting him completly in both a positive and a negative. On one level it makes me a good slave but on the other it means that a lot of the excitment is gone which dulls the highs that i use to get. A year ago we would find the energy and make the time to play multiple times a week regardless of who was at home, I felt more like his slave then his girlfriend and partner a year ago.

Is any of this a bad thing? I don't know. Our relationship is strong and I can't wait to marry him and have a family together but will that live end up being a vanilla one? It is good that we know each other so well, it is good that we have such a strong foundations that people have not managed to knock down no matter how hard they have tried but a tiny part of me wonders if the people who say its wrong to be in love with your slave are right. A Master is love with their slave tends to be lighter on them and take more care then they did with someone who was just a toy, they tend to treat that person more as an equal then as a slave.

Perhaps the real issue here is that I need to be put into my place, need Master to be strict for a while, need to be reminded of who and what I really am beyound just thinking of myself as his fiance and partner.