Fears (M/s)

I guess its time for an update here, theres just not that much to say which is why this blog is so quiet at the moment.

Master is still not well though seems to be a little better in some areas. He has his good days but they are always followed by a bad one. His energy is still so low and his mood swings and everything else are just continuing though now every so often I see flashes of my Master and not the stranger that I have been living with for the last month.

Last night we had our first play session since his accidant and it was good, it was good to feel him in that position of control over me, to feel his hands touch me, hear him call me slave and make me beg, it was even good to feel the pain of the whip. In some ways though it is like we have gone back to where we were at the start of our relationship. It was very hard for me to let go and trust that he wouldn't cross the line, that I wouldn't get hurt but in having to let go and trust him I got a buzz that had been missing from our play for some time. I hate that I don't have 100% trust in Master, hate that we have to build it up again but those butterflies in my stomach and the excitment of not knowing what to expect is a very nice ride that I hope to enjoy again some time very soon.

Playing last night may not have been the best thing though as it has awakened that urge to want to play again and again and again which I know that Master is not up too, right now I don't even want to ask him if he is up to something this evening because I am afraid of pushing him too hard, afraid of exhausting him of him going back to being so lost all the time when the flashes of the real him are coming through more and more.

The connection I got from playing also opened up some fears for me that I have not had to face in a while and some are the fears I had at the begining. I am afraid of the future, afraid of submitting and being a 'real' slave in daily life, afraid of 24/7 of never being good enough, afraid that I'm not cut out to be a slave, that I am not good enough at serving (despite the face that I have been caring for Master and giving him the best and hardest service i could ever give someone) afraid that Master deserves someone better then I, but the biggest fear, the one that I don't really want to admit to anyone is that all though I crave the dominance, crave being a slave, feeling like a slave, being made to feel like a slave I am afraid of giving up control of my life again. Afraid of submitting, afraid that he won't be strong enough to find my slave heart and draw it out of me again, afraid that i have burried what i am so deep inside that it is going to be a fight and a huge effort to bring it back out. I know that I will feel the need to push limits, I know I will feel hte need to try and top from the bottom, I know I will feel the need to disobey just to test and see and make sure that it is all real but then if i feel those needs does that not mean I am not a real slave afterall? Wouldn't a real slave just give it up and trust without the need to test? I am a slave yes but I am a strong slave and need a strong Master who is unafraid of putting me in my place, i push and test to make sure that my Master is strong enough to deal with me but still it makes me feel guilty and somehow like I am not 'real'

Lonely

It is hard to explain to anyone just how lonely I feel these days. Master is home and around all the time, my best friend is home a lot of the time, I always have someone around me yet I feel so alone that multiple times a day I lock myself away and cry.

I think a lot of my alone-ness comes from Master being so unwell, we have no play, no sex, and very little physical contact between us and I am craving it so very much yet when ever he does hug me I have to pull away because him holding me hurts too. It hurts because I want so much more that I can not have right now, it hurts because I know it has to end, it hurts because it reminds me of how much I miss feeling his hands on my skin. I never thought that the thing that would get to me most about him being unwell was this, i thought it would be the moodswings or the frustration or memory but not this lack of touch and lack of any real connection feeling between us. Half the time I feel as though I am living with a stranger, there is not that spark between us that was there before he became unwell, that feeling of closeness, of being connected and the absense of that is the most lonely thing I have experienced in a long long time. To have someone there physicaly that i see and talk to every day but for him to not really be there at all is tearing me apart and there is nothing that I can do about it but keep myself strapped in and hold on tight as this ride continues.

Gamble everything for love

Over the years one of the things that has defined me has been my willingness to put everything on the line to find true love. When I first heard Ben lee's gamble everything for love back in 2006 I could have sworn that it had been written for me and since then it has become a motto of sorts for me.


Entry to be continued.

Goals for 2009: Goal 1 health (V)

I'm going to do a set of posts on what I want to acheive for this year. Each post is going to cover one particualr goals with information on what the goal is as well as how I plan on acheiving it.

Goal 1: Health:
Do the best that I can too improve my health.

How to acheive:

Physical health:

* Keep up with naturopath appointments and monthly massage
* Stick to a healthy diet and avoid the foods that I have intolerances too but remember to treat myself occassionaly, even naughty foods are okay in moderation.
* Exercise more
* Correct my sleep patterns, make sure I am getting the amount of sleep I need each day at the right time of the day.

Slaves health:

* Read at least one lifestyle related book a month and do a small book review on it
* Become more active with the local scene and make some scene related friends
* With Master's assistance put together our household manual and butler book
* Try my hardest to follow the rules Master has set in place
* Remember to ask for my training time as is set out in the rules
* Maintain open lines of communication and make sure Master knows if anything is bothering me.
* Remember that although I am Master's property this not mean that he doesn't love me and care for, also remember that although we are engaged I am still his slave and that having a deep love for each other does not make him and less able to pull me into line or preform actions that need to be preformed.
* Remember to be true myself and my beleifs
* Vanilla time does not mean that we are no longer Master and slave, everyone has their down days where everything seems vanilla this does not mean that they are not in a 24/7 relationship. If i am feeling overly concerned that things are vanilla I can take my worries to Master at any time and he will not be angry with me.


Spirtual health:

* Take time out daily to meditate
* Follow the seasons of the year, try to eat foods that are in season and celebrate the sabbats that go with each season.
* Connect with the 'divine' again. Attend full moon circles, celbrate esbats and sabbats even on my own. * Become active in the local pagan community.
* Take time out each day to connect with the Lord, Lady and my spirit guides.
* Take time to stop and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me, stop ignoring my instincts and visions.
* Start taking my role as mentor to my students more seriously.

Mental health:

* Ensure I get me time as least a few times a week where I won't be distrubed for at least half an hour
* Work on exercises to improve my memory
* Make sure I do things that I enjoy as well as the things that I don't enjoy so much
* Continue Naturopath course, make the time to study and stay on top of my work

Social Health:

* Make time to catch up with friends in the real world
* Keep in contact with my more distant friends thorugh email, phone and msn
* Get out to a party, event or just for coffee with someone at least once every two weeks.
* Meet some new people with similar interests and get to know them.

Relationship health:

* Make one night/day a week our time to have a 'date' and just be together without the TV or computers
* Walk together for half an hour every night: This will give us time to catch up together daily as well as giving us a little exercise
* Remember to tell Adam that I love him at least once a day, even if he knows every one needs to hear it every so often.

Things are clearer for me now (M/s)

I am feeling a little better about everything now, able to see how me doing what needs to be done is not taking control and oversteeping my place but rather is just another form of service to my Master.

I took some time out for myself to night, to lay in a deep bath, read a little bit of a book I like and then relax and meditate for a while and it has done wonders to clear my mind and help me focus and be more rational myself about what is happening.

I am one of those types of people who need to plan as much as I can for every situation from the trivial to the worst possibility which is why I was looking at the fact that he may never get better and not focusing so much on the fact that he could be over this in days or weeks. To me my way of dealing with something and coping with it is to make plans for how to get through the worst case scenarios while trying my hardest to keep in the back of my mind that those plans may never need to be acted upon.

In this case it took me by surprise so quickly and threw my home life security that i have fought hard to build up in the last 18 months into such a spin that it felt like the ground had dropped out from under me and all i could do was react to things as they happened. For a few days I was okay and thought I was on top of everything and dealing with it and fine but once a name was put to what was going on I fell down into a deep spiral. Its strange how naming something could do that to me while at the same time giving me releif that what was happening was real and not all in the mind (yes i know extremly bad pun but i can't think of any other way or wording it)

Things will get better, I know this in my heart to the very centre of my being. Things will go back to how they use to be or if not quite the way they use to be then we will adapt and find where we are now. Kismet throws many challenges at us throughout our lives, some paths are easy to walk while others are a real challenge but when you get to the end of the hard ones you look back and see that the climb was worth it.

I am now viewing this as the biggest test that someone could give me to prove my commitment and loyalty to my Master and the man that I will become wife to in 13 months time. For a while I have struggled with the idea that perhaps 'i'm not really a slave' or 'that i'm not a good enough slave for him and don't deserve him' and while he has reassured me that this is not so somewhere in the back of my mind the little voices were still whispering that i was and never would be good enough. This is my chance to prove more to myself then anyone else that I am good enough, that I am strong enough, that I am commited enough to be his slave and to wear his collar with pride. That even when things seem to be all hard work without any play that i can still do it and serve him as any slave should serve her Master.

You know what, when i stop and be still and think about it, really think about how much I am serving him at the moment, i feel more complete and more his slave then I have in a long long time. Its a pity it took something like this for me to learn that lesson.

Sorry this post got so long, i sat down to say a simple thank you and things kind of spilt out.

Our world is upside down (V, M/s)

Welcome to 2009.

I can't really say Happy new year as so far for Master and I it has been anything but happy. A week ago Master feel down the slippery front steps and hit his head, since then things have been somewhat difficult. The first 24 hours after that I thought its okay its just a milk concusion but then the symptoms kept continuing. At first they thought he might have a bleed on the brain but tests ruled that out and so now it is looking like something called post concussion syndrome. Most of the symptoms in the cluster fit what is going on and while it is nice to have found a name to it, finding a name to it has made what it going on seem even more real and not just like I am a bad dream which is what the last week has felt like.

PCS can last for weeks, months or years and while I hope that in Master's case it doesn't I am really scared that this is never going to go away and really worried about how this is going to impact my life and my lifestlye. I am afraid that we will no longer be Master and slave, that we will not be able to scene again or even just be intimate in a vanilla sense again. I feel guilty for worring about how this is going to impact me when Master must be going through so much worse then I am.

The cluster of symptoms reported by these patients is referred to as the Post-concussion syndrome. The following are amongst the most commonly reported symptoms of post-concussion syndrome [4, 6].

• Attention deficits, difficulty sustaining mental effort.

• Fatigue and tiredness

• Impulsivity, irritability

• Low frustration threshold

• Temper outbursts and changes in mood

• Learning and memory problems

• Impaired planning and problem solving

• Inflexibility, concrete thinking

• Lack of initiative

• Dissociation between thought and action

• Communication difficulties

• Socially inappropriate behaviours

• Self-centeredness and lack of insight

• Poor self-awareness

• Impaired balance

• Dizziness and Headaches

• Personality changes

Often despite several of these chronic symptoms, there is no evidence of brain abnormality from conventional structural neuroimaging tests, such as CT scans and MRIs.

I have changed the colour of those symptoms that Master is displaying in the above passage. Right now I just want to cry. I am drained and exhausted and getting to the end of my rope. For the last week I have had to be strong and in control of pretty much everything aorund here. Screw topping from the bottom I'm not even trying to hide behind that concept instead I am just taking control of it all and this is bothering me. This is not me, this is not who and what I am but it needs to be done for us to survive so I am doing it. I'm trying not to let Master see when I am upset because I know he is already frustrated and feeling bad and I don't want to make it worse.