Our world is upside down (V, M/s)

Welcome to 2009.

I can't really say Happy new year as so far for Master and I it has been anything but happy. A week ago Master feel down the slippery front steps and hit his head, since then things have been somewhat difficult. The first 24 hours after that I thought its okay its just a milk concusion but then the symptoms kept continuing. At first they thought he might have a bleed on the brain but tests ruled that out and so now it is looking like something called post concussion syndrome. Most of the symptoms in the cluster fit what is going on and while it is nice to have found a name to it, finding a name to it has made what it going on seem even more real and not just like I am a bad dream which is what the last week has felt like.

PCS can last for weeks, months or years and while I hope that in Master's case it doesn't I am really scared that this is never going to go away and really worried about how this is going to impact my life and my lifestlye. I am afraid that we will no longer be Master and slave, that we will not be able to scene again or even just be intimate in a vanilla sense again. I feel guilty for worring about how this is going to impact me when Master must be going through so much worse then I am.

The cluster of symptoms reported by these patients is referred to as the Post-concussion syndrome. The following are amongst the most commonly reported symptoms of post-concussion syndrome [4, 6].

• Attention deficits, difficulty sustaining mental effort.

• Fatigue and tiredness

• Impulsivity, irritability

• Low frustration threshold

• Temper outbursts and changes in mood

• Learning and memory problems

• Impaired planning and problem solving

• Inflexibility, concrete thinking

• Lack of initiative

• Dissociation between thought and action

• Communication difficulties

• Socially inappropriate behaviours

• Self-centeredness and lack of insight

• Poor self-awareness

• Impaired balance

• Dizziness and Headaches

• Personality changes

Often despite several of these chronic symptoms, there is no evidence of brain abnormality from conventional structural neuroimaging tests, such as CT scans and MRIs.

I have changed the colour of those symptoms that Master is displaying in the above passage. Right now I just want to cry. I am drained and exhausted and getting to the end of my rope. For the last week I have had to be strong and in control of pretty much everything aorund here. Screw topping from the bottom I'm not even trying to hide behind that concept instead I am just taking control of it all and this is bothering me. This is not me, this is not who and what I am but it needs to be done for us to survive so I am doing it. I'm trying not to let Master see when I am upset because I know he is already frustrated and feeling bad and I don't want to make it worse.