After days of my thoughts pounding away at a million miles, after so many tears I could fill a dam and unrelenting confussion I am at last calm and at peace with myself and the choices that I have at last made.

I have decided that if this is to work then I must put any thought that it will not out of my mind. If I keep thinking it will not work then the energy I will have put into that thought will make it happen. In this world we manifest the things we put the most energy into so if I want this to work I must focus only on that and use my energy to create that which I desire.

I am not quite ready to accept his collar once more but I have put my engagement ring back on and to be honest wearing it feels right.

Thought for the day

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

Chains of misery.

Before I sat down in front of the computer to type this blog entry I had a whole entry going around and around in my head yet now that I am here the words seem to have vanished. I am not coping well at all with things the way they currently are. Nothing here feels right everything is wrong and sometimes I don't know how I am going to keep going forward. I feel as though the world has been ripped out from under my feet and I'm falling without anything around to catch me. The structures that would usualy catch my fall are no longer part of my life that feels as though it is spiraling out of control.

My relationship with Aj started as that of Master and slave, yes there was a deep friendship underneath it but we were never just boyfriend and girlfriend. As the relatinship progressed we became more then Master and slave to one another but that was always the foundations of our relationship and that made me happier and more at peace with myself then I had been in a long long time. My history tells us that I can not live a life that is vanilla with a taste of D/s every so often, to be happy I have needed the reverse to be D/s 24/7 with tastes of vanilla every so often. So what do I do now that my life is purely and only vanilla? I am a slave at the core of my being this is who I am and when that slave is released to be who she is, to serve her Master and to belong to her Master she flourishes but who I am when i deny that side of me is nothing more then a lie.

In slavery and service I find freedom unknown in any other area of my life, in the chains of protocols, rules and rituals I am free to fly as high as I can go. For me being a slave is being free. Without that structure, without those rules and protocols I am chained tighter then tightest bond ever placed on me by another. Without a master to serve and to belong too I am caged. When I am in essence a free woman I am nothing but bound and caged to a life that i don't wish to lead.

When we have thrown out everything D/s in our life to fix the problems on the vanilla side how can anything ever truely be fixed? How can the distance between us ever really be closed when the times I feel closest to him are the times that rules and protocols are at their strictest or when I am placing my physical safety in his hands and allowing him to do what he wishes with me? How can we ever get things back on track when we are ignoring what the core of our relationship is? I don't know if we can.

It is a catch 22 situation. Without the D/s I don't feel close to him but without trust we can not take part in a D/s lifestyle and without taking part in a D/s lifestyle I don't think the trust can be rebuilt. How do I find a way for the trust and closeness to come back? Do i just ignore all the issues and say lets go again, let me be yours again and fake it until we make it? I know thats not a healthy way to do things but my heart is yearning to be owned, my spirit crying to be released to fly in the bonds of slavery. I just want to be free to be me again.

I am hopeless the way things stand and so very lost. The hardest times of day are the times he has just gotten home from work, meal time and bedtime. It doesn't feel right not kneeling to greet him, I can't bring myself to eat without his permission or at least waiting until he begins and when I go to bed at night without our nightly ritual I cry. I can't touch myself without feeling guilty. I woke up this morning aftera rather erotic dream and feeling antsy I pulled out my buzzy but I couldn't do it. I felt the pressure growing at the base of my spine and spreading through me but jsut as i was at the point of releasing it I lost it and the feelings went away. Without hearing him telling me it is okay to play, to cum for him I can not do it. I have never before been in a situation where the rules and protocols have become so much a part of me that I just can't seem to switch them off.

Right now i just want my life to be normal again, I want the structure, the rules the protocol back, I want the security of knowing that I belong to someone back but I don't know if we will ever get back to that. Right now i am in control of this relationship, i hold all the cards, how will that ever change when the memories of what has gone wrong will never go away? How can I give myself to him again when I will always be wondering if his words are the truth?

The world comes crashing down.

How can i go from being so happy one week to feeling as though the world is falling down around me the next? I thought we understood each other at last, thought that things were getting to be just where we wanted them to be and I was happy, the world made sense and I had hope for the future. Now that hope is gone, now that happiness is so far away I wonder if i will ever even feel okay again. A week ago we were finding out that we were having a little boy and we were over the moon about it. A week ago i knew where life was taking us, a week ago i felt so close to him and so loved and now I feel alone.

Due to things happening in our life our D/s Master/slave aspect to our life is on hold, the goddess knows how long it will be on hold for perhaps it will never be picked up again. I have been living a vanilla life for a little over 24 hours and I am hating it. Nothing makes sense in my world, I am in a position where I hold all the cards when I am the one in control and I hate it. I am not coping and while I know I can function in a vanilla life I am not happy here. Once he got home yesterday I barely ate or drank anything because while I know we are only vanilla a little voice in my head was telling me I had to ask before I could eat or drink. When I went to bed last night I felt so lost without our nightly bedtime ritual. WIthout the things that give my life structure and meaning I don't know who or what I am. A little voice inside my head is screaming at me to just ignore all the issues and go back to being his slave but I can't do that not while there are so many issues that need to be fixed. I just want someone to hold me and tell me its going to me alright and for me to be able to beleive that.

Letter to Master (M/s)

Dear Master,

I am not writing this is an effort to try and place blame for our recent misunderstanding but to try and help yo understand how i operate, so that I may serve you better. If you understand the way i work and my needs and I learn better the way you work and your needs then both of us will be able to function better as a result of that understanding.

I'm not trying to top from the bottom, I am trying to find a place of deeper understanding in our relationship. I acknoweldge that when I talk about the energy or feeling of something that it is not something that you understand instinctively and I want to try and help you learn what I mean.

How do I explain that wanting to be treated more as a slave and not a girlfriend yet want more affection (not sex) is not a contradiction?

How do I explain energy and feeling and how the energy of something changes the feeling of something completly.

I guess its about intent. When you kiss me or hug me I feel like your your intent is to show me you love me and while I need love I sometimes need affection that show's ownership more then I need affection that shows that you love me. The intent of an action changes the energy and feeling of an action. The every day rules and rituals are great they are the bread and butter, they are things I/we need to exist but some days I want more, I want chocolate mousse. I want to be reminded of my place with a look, a command a kiss or a touch. I want to feel when you are kissing or hugging me that it is not a moment we are sharing together but it you making a physical show of your ownership of me and ability to do what you want when you want. When we watch TV together I want to feel as though it is you choice to do this activity and that it is a privledge that you are granting me to be allowed to do it with you not just an everyday activity.

As a slave I need to feel like I am being useful, I need you to give me orders so that I can feel that I am serving you and not just doing everything off my own back. I love it when you order me to get you a drink and serve it on my knees. I may sometimes get annoyed with havng to stop what I am doing to follow your orders but deep down I thrive of this attention and crave it. I don't want to be able to say in a moment or just let me finish this, when you want something I want to feel the urgency of having to serve and please my Master and know that consequences will follow if I am not quick enough. I want to be permited/ordered to kiss your feet to show you the depth of my submission and affection for you and not just show you that I love you with a hug or a kiss.

This girls head is screwed back on the right way today (M/s)

Despite the fact that Master and I did nothing scene related yesterday and pretty much had another day of vanilla this morning I woke up feeling more focused and knowing that being a slave is exactly what I want and exactly what makes me feel happy and at peace with my life. I don't know what occured in my sleep last night to help me put my thoughts back in order but perhaps the theory that when people sleep their minds sift through all the crap piled up in their head and file whats needed away while getting rid of that which is not needed in some what correct. I feel lighter today unlike yesterday when it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. So far today has been mostly vanilla although Master did go through part of the morning ritual when he got me up. After I had been up long enough to wake up I cooked us an awsome sunday brunch of pancakes with all the toppings and fresh coffee. Its amazing how starting the day right puts me into such a better frame of mind when it comes to my life as a slave. I am still craving the strict harsh treatment that I was yesterday but I am no longer questioning my desire or ability to be Master's slave.

Master and I seem to have fallen off the path again recently but I think that he is planning on trying to fix that this weekend. Right now to be honest I don't know what I want, I am in two minds, part of me wants to be a slave and have him bring me in to line regardless of what I am feeling or wanting at the time and the other half of me wants to just drop the whole thing and try to live a vanilla life. Now I know I am only feeling like this because I am grumpy after he was out all night last night and I couldn't get in contact with him but I don't know how i can shift my mind back to where it needs to be. I think the only way I can snap it back is if he treats me like nothing but a slave/object for his amusement for a little while, if he really puts me in my place and keeps me there regardless of what I am wanting at the time, regardless of any tears or tantrums from me. I know that if he is strong and strict and treats me like that then my brain will snap back into place but I don't know if he can do it.
I almost want to be treated like the typical image of a slave presented in most fetish stories. Kept in a corner tied up or in a cage until he has use for me. Plugged in all of my holes and kept in restraints and hooded unless he needs it removed to serve. Forced to eat like an animal at his feet when ever he decides that i deserve to eat all of that stuff that usualy i say is just fantasy seems to be what i want at the moment.

Argh what is wrong with me? I know I wouldn't enjoy being treated that way so why do i want it so much?

Not feeling so much of a slave M/s

I am not feeling particular like a slave today (or yesterday) and while part of me thinks that I should tell Master this another part of me doesn't want too because i know full well that if I tell him I am not feeling like a slave his idea of trying to make me feel like a slave will be to order me to make him a drink or get him something to eat or something along those lines and right now that would just make me resent him rather then making me feel like a slave. So rather then tell him right now that I am not feeling so slave like I thought I would come here to my blog and try to examine just why I am not feeling like a slave.

I guess the first reason is that the last week we have not stuck so strictly to our rituals and when we have they have been shortened versions for the most part. Now I know that Master can perform the rituals however he sees fit but it makes me a little sad as I wrote them for him in such a way that I know they would help bring out the slave side of me that has been burried so far down inside for so long. I don't want to ask that we do the ritauls my way though as its Master's wants and needs that need to be meet first not my own. While on the topic of rituals I think I am just a little dissapointed that i put so much work in to them and one of them has not even been performed yet despite Master telling me that we would use all of them. Now I know we don't have all the required equipment for that ritual but we could do most of it.

The second reason is that while we are suppose to be running on higher protocol rules I think that Master has forgotten just what those rules are. I think this as i know i slip often and break particular bits of them yet he does nothing to enforce these rules and without him enforcing it doesn't become habit to not do those actions that are against those rules. I can't do it on my own and need him to remind me when I forget but how can he remind me when it seems that he doesn't remember himself? (Mostly speech and touch rules that I keep slipping up on)

Another reason is that I am one of those people who tone of voice and strictness can go a long way to putting me in the right frame of mine and lately these things have not been around very much. I like it when he graps me and holds me down by the neck reminding me that i am his or even sometimes calling me names and degrading me to put me in my place. Am I sick for liking these things?

I guess its just hard to maintain things when the real world of work and bills and annoying housemates intrude but sometimes I really wish we could have one week of extremly high protocol, strictness and training like we read about in so many bdsm stories. I know that its not practical in the real world but its nice to dream about. Its nice to imagine being made to kneel or tied up in a corner somewhere until he is ready for my services, its nice to imagine being pushed past my comfort boundarys and made to do things that will humilate me just to prove to him (and me) that I am his slave. Its nice to imagine being treated like nothing more then an object here for his amusement but I know that it will have to stay in the imaginae because some things just are not the same when they become reality.