I'm not happy at the moment, I'm confussed and feeling very very alone regardless of who is around me. I don't know what to make of what is happening in my life or what is happening with Teacher. I know that I have very strong feelings for him, I know that I am falling in love with him and I know that he is falling for me yet neither of us can say to the other I love you those words just seem to hard.
I feel as though I am just a toy to be played with until he gets bored and puts me away, a toy to play with until a new toy comes along that takes his interest. He has all the advantages and benifits of having a slave without having to have the commitment or responsability of being a Master. He gets to have the advantages of having a girl who is falling harder every day, a girl who has already submitted more to his then she has to anyone else, a girl who even without the words, even without the collar looks at him as her Master and sees herself as his property but he doesn't have the commitment and can leave or make me leave at any time. He tells me that I will be in his collar by chirstmas but how do I know that he won't be bored with me by then?
On the vanilla side of things a few things have been said to me by people that worries me, things such as him living with two ex's sleeping with them both while having a girlfriend that bothers me or being told that he is not good in a relationship and can get bored and want to move on. Being told that something takes his attention for a few months and for that time they are his world and then he moves on all of this has me worried that nothing more will ever happen between us or that it will happen and that he will then leave me for someone better, someone new. Do I keep playing this game and see where the ride takes me? Do I open myself up to get hurt on the chance that I may not get hurt and that this could be something beautiful?
The way we are with each other, the way we act around each other, the way we look at each other is the same as any Master/slave Boyfriend/girlfriend looks at one another yet thats not what we are is it? At the moment we are both single and are 'just friends' yeah friends with benifits... I don't sleep with just anyone, I have never had a lover that wasn't also my partner and friend but what am I doing now? What are we? People are asking questions? His sister has been fishing for a couple of weeks and today she commented that we looked 'cosy' with each other and asked what was going on so I gave her the honest answer. I told her that I didn't know, that if I let myself, If i let go of everything I am holding back that I would fall for him and that I think he is falling for me. I feel guilty for telling her but to be honest it felt good to be able to discuss at least that vanilla side of things with somebody else, until she started making the comments about his past relationships and his lack of commitment.
Now I just feel really down and want to cry. I am sick of locking my feelings away and know that if I do it for much longer that those feelings will change the falling in love with you in a romantic way will change to the love that I have for my friends because it will have too. I can not keep the intensity of falling in love with someone locked behind a big steel door for much longer, it already hurts me to lock it away and some days it hurts to even look at him.
Last night Teacher (and I am starting to resent refering to him as teacher) played with me. He flogged me and pushed my pain tolerance a little bit and then later in the evening put me in to a fairly comfortable but secure bondage position. In this position he didn't play with me not in the way he usualy would either sensation or pain (which is a sensation anyway) instead he talked to me and questioned me on being a slave. He told me what it was to be a slave and asked if I could do that. Part of me thinks that he was trying to scare me off but it didn't work. After making me think about being a slave, after making me really consider what it is I would be getting myself into he untied me then picked up his laptop and pretty much ignored me to play his games - yeah sure he rubbed my wrists and ankles a little and spoke to me a little but right at that point in time I felt the most isolated that I have had in a while. While on the surface the scene was an easy one the things he got me thinking about were intense and raised intense emotions and feelings in me, rather then holding me and dealing with aftercare he played his computer then just to make it feel even worse before we went to sleep we got in to another conversation. This one was about relationships and all the things I have been talking about here. Right after pushing my pain limits, tieing me up and forcing me to confront just what it is I am asking for he told me that his not ready for commitment and doesn't want to open himself up to that kind of relationship.
Is it any wonder I feel like hell today? Is it any wonder that I am feeling somewhat resentful, Is it any wonder that I am sitting here wondering what the hell it is that I am doing? Today I even considered calling my safe word and telling him that I just want to be friends no training, no playing, no sleeping together just being normal friends but I can't do that because in my heart thats not what I want.
This entry has got long and its not even on the topic I was suppose to post about today but to be honest I don't have the motivation to write my fantasys up at the moment and I don't have the desire to share them with him when I am actaully feeling a little hurt and yes even in some ways a little used. I have not typed this entry up to make him feel bad or guilty that is the last thing I want. I typed this up to get it out in the hope that it will make me feel better, Teacher may have asked me to keep this blog but it is my blog and my place to work out how I am feeling. I am even considering using this blog for my day to day journal entrys so that I don't have to separte the two sides of myself and can just combine the vanilla and the D/s side in to one whole after all thats how I want to live my life but then another side of me thinks perhaps its better to keep the training/D/s journal separte.
Willow
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