Despite having rules on how often I must post to this blog it has been over two weeks since I last did, closer to three I think. Master knows the reasons for this and so I am not in trouble for it but I am back now and will do my best to follow the rule and make regular posts. The reason for my lack of posts has been due to three things. 1. I had a relapse of chronic fatique syndrome which made doing anything hard. 2. I had exams to study for and was stressed out by them and 3. I was assulted. My energy is still not the best and I am still dealing with the aftermath of being assulted but I am begining to feel alright again.
Things with Master (it still feels great to type and see that) are going well. I have no doubt that he loves me and wants me as he lets me know all the time and while we have not been able to play much or do much (due to the reasons above) of late things are not exactly vanilla (though sometimes it feels like it is) there are still rules that I must follow and I still know that ultimatly Master is in charge.
Speaking of rules some things that I had trouble with at first are now so common place that if he changed those rules and took them away I think that I would have trouble not following them. The rules about eating, drinking and using the bathroom. I find it hard when we are around other people to remember not to ask and I have learnt ways of asking without anyone else knowing though I do wonder if Master even realises what I am doing. For example when someone else is in the room that is not scene friendly and I need a drink i will say something along the lines of 'I need a drink' and then wait for a response from him before I get one. The same as going to the bathroom I will comment that I need to go the bathroom and wait for a response alone the lines of 'well go then' little tiny ways of following the rules even among vanilla company. If we are eating out then the rule is that I must wait for him to start before I can start. I like these rules now they remind me of my place and what I am even when everything else seems to be vanilla.
Master and I are going to Melbourne for chirstmas. I don't know how he feels but I know that I am nervous about introducing him to my family and friends. I know in my heart that everything will be fine but I am still nervous. The whole Melbourne thing is stressing me out though and I know it is going to cost a lot. Airfares there and back will be a minium of $600 then there is the accomandation which is $600 (and needs a deposit on it asap) I need a new bag/suitcase as well and unfortuantly the one I really like is $150 (and no its not just because it is pink) then there is food and entertainment money and things really add up to a lot for just a trip to Melbourne. I feel guilty having master spend so much on me. He has bought me a heap of things that are not cheap and this weekend we are going to a BrisDSM party on the gold coast which will cost even more.
On the topic of Melbourne Master and I are discussing moving back down there, I don't know if he really likes the idea or not but at the moment I do. Its not that it will be the answer to all my problems and there will be some people that I will miss a lot if we go but there are so many reasons as to why Melbourne would be a good move. Only time will tell though we will wait and see how our holiday goes.
Thats all for this update.
Willow
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
I wish (BDSM/ M/s)
Okay I guess today my slave energy is high though thats not a surprise considering that I pretty much started the day with Master using me. He tied me so that my knees were bend and I was exposed to him and them flipped me over so that i was on my knees spread wide and avaiable for him to do what he wanted to me and he did. He fucked me hard and then spanked me and used the crop on me and I have to say I loved being in that position. Hooded and blind listening to him talking to me, feeling him to what ever he wanted with me. When I am fucked on my knees it goes deeper to the point that it does hurt a little, when I am fucked like that I really do feel like I have been used and I love it.
Right now I wish that we could do it all over again. Wish that he would make me feel the way I feel this afternoon, like I really was his slave, his property just an object or toy to be used for his pleasure. I wish he would tie me up, fuck me and use me, cause me pain, tease me, speak to me with that tone of voice telling me just what I am and just what my place in this life, make me feel humbled and used and then just leave me there ready and waiting for his use while he does what ever else he wants to do. There waiting for his every touch not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain, there waiting ready for his use.
Right now I wish that we could do it all over again. Wish that he would make me feel the way I feel this afternoon, like I really was his slave, his property just an object or toy to be used for his pleasure. I wish he would tie me up, fuck me and use me, cause me pain, tease me, speak to me with that tone of voice telling me just what I am and just what my place in this life, make me feel humbled and used and then just leave me there ready and waiting for his use while he does what ever else he wants to do. There waiting for his every touch not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain, there waiting ready for his use.
A dream birthday party.
I wish I had enough friends within the scene to have a play party for my birthday next year it would be so much fun. Master could tie me up and give me a bithday flogging and there could be party games with a bdsm twist to them like instead of pin the tail on the donkey i have seen a game where you insert a butt plug in to the subbie and then throw hoops around it who ever gets the most hoops wins.... though i don't think I would want to be the slave with the plug in.
Food could be so much fun, I could have a cake that was make to look like a four poster bed with a girl tied to it (The girl would be one of those cheap $2 barbies.) or a butt shaped cake with a red handprint. I could have cup cakes with sayins on them such as whip me, beat me, slave, sub, Master, Dom like a cupcake bdsm version of those heart candys. Gingerbread man, wearing a long, black gumdrop at his crotch, with little icing straps, cookies in the shapes of paddles,
For the table centerpiece a ginger bread dungeon room using pretzel sticks for the cross , spanking bench ect
Its nice to dream some times. Hmmm I have seven months before my birthday perhaps i should try and make some scene related friends.
Food could be so much fun, I could have a cake that was make to look like a four poster bed with a girl tied to it (The girl would be one of those cheap $2 barbies.) or a butt shaped cake with a red handprint. I could have cup cakes with sayins on them such as whip me, beat me, slave, sub, Master, Dom like a cupcake bdsm version of those heart candys. Gingerbread man, wearing a long, black gumdrop at his crotch, with little icing straps, cookies in the shapes of paddles,
For the table centerpiece a ginger bread dungeon room using pretzel sticks for the cross , spanking bench ect
Its nice to dream some times. Hmmm I have seven months before my birthday perhaps i should try and make some scene related friends.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Slave Energy (M/s)
Okay to type this post I need to find a word (or words) that descripe what I am talking about. I am a slave 24/7 I know this in my mind, in my heart and in my soul but there can be times when I don't feel very slave like or very submissive. From now on I am going to refer to those times as Slave energy. If I refer to energy just on its own then I refer to energy in its normal terms, as in I am tired and have no energy or The energy in the room felt extremly negative or in my pagan/spritual beleives I could feel the energy flowing through me. When I speak of slave energy I am speaking about how submissive/slave like I am feeling. When slave energy is high then I feel at my most submissive and really feel like a slave. When slave energy is low then I don't feel much like a slave or like doing slave things I feel more vanilla when slave energy is low.
Okay having got that out of the way I can continue. Over the last week or so my slave energy has been very low. There have been moments it has been quite high but mostly low. I have not felt like doing much for Master, not felt like playing or even like serving him properly. I know that some of this is a reaction to stress in my life and in his life as I think his Master energy has been a little low at the same time.
The dynamic is always there even when I am at low slave energy I will do what he tells me too do and follow his rules though it really is just following the motions when I have little slave energy. You know what even if it is just following the motions it works, I follow the motions and my slave energy gets back to its normal level where I am happy to serve, want to serve and need to serve. Where I am happy to be his girl, his slave and don't hold any resentment for him. Now my slave energy is back to normal and I am a happy slave once more.
I feel guilty when ever my slave energy is low, I feel like the worse slave in the world and start wondering if I have been lying to everyone and am really just a bottom who wants to be played with every so often. When my slave energy is low I am not happy, I don't feel like I want to feel and don't feel like I am being true to myself. I know that ups and downs are a natural part of life and that if I was at high slave energy all the time i would burn out. I know that sometime sub drop can cause low slave energy and we deal with that when we come to it. What I need to do now if fiqure out some simple things for when I am at low slave energy that will help it get back to a more normal level, following the motions is a good start but there must be a few other things that could help as well. I know that kneeling with my head on the floor always makes me feel a little more like slave like, reading forums helps, I know that bondage will help but i also know that if slave energy is too low then i resent it.
I must think on this some more and see what Master thinks about it.
Okay having got that out of the way I can continue. Over the last week or so my slave energy has been very low. There have been moments it has been quite high but mostly low. I have not felt like doing much for Master, not felt like playing or even like serving him properly. I know that some of this is a reaction to stress in my life and in his life as I think his Master energy has been a little low at the same time.
The dynamic is always there even when I am at low slave energy I will do what he tells me too do and follow his rules though it really is just following the motions when I have little slave energy. You know what even if it is just following the motions it works, I follow the motions and my slave energy gets back to its normal level where I am happy to serve, want to serve and need to serve. Where I am happy to be his girl, his slave and don't hold any resentment for him. Now my slave energy is back to normal and I am a happy slave once more.
I feel guilty when ever my slave energy is low, I feel like the worse slave in the world and start wondering if I have been lying to everyone and am really just a bottom who wants to be played with every so often. When my slave energy is low I am not happy, I don't feel like I want to feel and don't feel like I am being true to myself. I know that ups and downs are a natural part of life and that if I was at high slave energy all the time i would burn out. I know that sometime sub drop can cause low slave energy and we deal with that when we come to it. What I need to do now if fiqure out some simple things for when I am at low slave energy that will help it get back to a more normal level, following the motions is a good start but there must be a few other things that could help as well. I know that kneeling with my head on the floor always makes me feel a little more like slave like, reading forums helps, I know that bondage will help but i also know that if slave energy is too low then i resent it.
I must think on this some more and see what Master thinks about it.
Sharing (V)
Usualy when a woman gets in to a relationship with a man she tells all her female friends about it. She tells them how sweet Mr Wonderful is, what he has done for her recently and how she thinks that this time she may have found 'the one' In the past I have done just this, told anyone who would listen just how great my man is but this time around there is nobody that I can have those conversations with, nobody that I can isn't he sweet he bought me a cute teddy bear because I was sick. (He did that on Saturday night) Not having anyone I can have these conversations with is really making me miss having a few girlfriends. I am happy, I am in love and I want to share that happiness with my friends instead of having to keep it all to myself.
Things with Master are going really well. I feel that he really understands me and what he doesn't understand he does his best to make sense of and talk to me so that he can understand it. When we have a problem we talk about it and work it out rather then just letting it brew. When he is upset about something he tells me rather then keeping it to himself and having me wonder what I was doing wrong. Communication is important and this relationship has a good amount of communication. I know that we haven't been together for that long but I also know that in reality the fact that we live together means that our relationship moves faster then the usual relatioships where you spend months seeing each other a few times a week then move in with each other and then start fighting because you find the person you are living with was not the person that you thought he was. Having lived together first we know each others mood swings and bad habits so it shouldn't be such a shock when its just the two of us living together.
Willow
Things with Master are going really well. I feel that he really understands me and what he doesn't understand he does his best to make sense of and talk to me so that he can understand it. When we have a problem we talk about it and work it out rather then just letting it brew. When he is upset about something he tells me rather then keeping it to himself and having me wonder what I was doing wrong. Communication is important and this relationship has a good amount of communication. I know that we haven't been together for that long but I also know that in reality the fact that we live together means that our relationship moves faster then the usual relatioships where you spend months seeing each other a few times a week then move in with each other and then start fighting because you find the person you are living with was not the person that you thought he was. Having lived together first we know each others mood swings and bad habits so it shouldn't be such a shock when its just the two of us living together.
Willow
Monday, November 5, 2007
Collars (M/s)
On all the lifestyle related forums one of the topics most discussed is that of the collar and its meaning. Views on a collar range from it just being a useful restraint device to it being a symbol of the Master/slave relationship and the sub/slave would feel lost without it.
To me a collar is a symbol of ownership. I wear it proudly because Master has given it to me and he owns me and I am proud to be his slave. On Saturday night Master gave me something that is my collar, is a symbol of his ownership and love for me. It is a beautiful silver Id style bracelet with a little pink stone. It fits my wrist perfectly and looks very shiney and pretty sitting there. I am to wear this 24/7 unless Master has given me permission to remove it and I am happy to do so. I am a little upset and annoyed with myself at the moment though as the pretty silver has a few scratches on it already. The illogical side of my brain is screaming at me that I am a bad slave to have ruined it already but the more rational side of my brain is reminding me that any piece of jewellery that I wear 24/7 is going to get a little scratched. I woke up this morning and almost burst in to tears when i saw a new scratch on there, I know how it got there (Must have banged it against the wall in my sleep) but that doesn't make me feel any better.
To me a collar is a symbol of ownership. I wear it proudly because Master has given it to me and he owns me and I am proud to be his slave. On Saturday night Master gave me something that is my collar, is a symbol of his ownership and love for me. It is a beautiful silver Id style bracelet with a little pink stone. It fits my wrist perfectly and looks very shiney and pretty sitting there. I am to wear this 24/7 unless Master has given me permission to remove it and I am happy to do so. I am a little upset and annoyed with myself at the moment though as the pretty silver has a few scratches on it already. The illogical side of my brain is screaming at me that I am a bad slave to have ruined it already but the more rational side of my brain is reminding me that any piece of jewellery that I wear 24/7 is going to get a little scratched. I woke up this morning and almost burst in to tears when i saw a new scratch on there, I know how it got there (Must have banged it against the wall in my sleep) but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Feeling guilty (M/s)
Last night Master and I came across some issues. I admited to him that I had not been following my rules because I wanted him to enforce them, in other words I was topping from the bottom. I felt so ashamed of myself and like such a bad slave that I couldn't look at him and didn't want him to touch me so I rolled over, faced the wall and tried to block the world out. I made a comment along the lines of withdrawing was easier and I know that I really hurt Master. Right at that moment I was convinved that he was going to leave me or send me away and my mind was trying to get in a place where it could deal with that. We talked things through though and his not leaving me but it was still scary and I hate that I hurt him.
He tells me not to worry about it that we can forget it and move on but I can't forget it. I feel guilty, I feel bad and I feel like I should be punished for topping from the bottom, for breaking rules and for hurting Master like I did. Without being punished for doing wrong I don't know if I can forgive myself, don't know if I can let the guilt go regardless of what Master says. I am almost at the point where I need him to punish me so badly that I will beg him too. Beg him to whip me, spank me, hurt me until the guilt is gone and my mind is clear.
Right now I also wish that we were in a position where he could train me more and break me. Not just a little break but the big break that I want him to do one day. The big break that I know will be hell, that I know will hurt like hell on all levels and that once started I am likely to beg him to stop but i don't want him to stop regardless of how much I beg. I don't want to have safewords or limits that are not his limits. I want to be his completly. I know that this type of want is often considered dangerous edge play and something that should be left it the realm of fantasy but I don't want it left there. I have so many bad habits and fears from previous relationships that I need them broken, need to be broken down and built up again to be the slave that he wants and needs.
He tells me not to worry about it that we can forget it and move on but I can't forget it. I feel guilty, I feel bad and I feel like I should be punished for topping from the bottom, for breaking rules and for hurting Master like I did. Without being punished for doing wrong I don't know if I can forgive myself, don't know if I can let the guilt go regardless of what Master says. I am almost at the point where I need him to punish me so badly that I will beg him too. Beg him to whip me, spank me, hurt me until the guilt is gone and my mind is clear.
Right now I also wish that we were in a position where he could train me more and break me. Not just a little break but the big break that I want him to do one day. The big break that I know will be hell, that I know will hurt like hell on all levels and that once started I am likely to beg him to stop but i don't want him to stop regardless of how much I beg. I don't want to have safewords or limits that are not his limits. I want to be his completly. I know that this type of want is often considered dangerous edge play and something that should be left it the realm of fantasy but I don't want it left there. I have so many bad habits and fears from previous relationships that I need them broken, need to be broken down and built up again to be the slave that he wants and needs.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Deep thinking (M/s)
I've been thinking (yes scary I know) a lot today about life, about myself, about Master, about friends, about what I want and where I want to go in my life. All those really deep why are we here, whats the meaning of life type questions. Some of my thinking was about 24/7 M/s lifestyle and all the different directions it can take. I haven't been feeling like a slave much lately and an outcome of not feeling like a slave is that I have been miserable as I am not being what I know I am. I thought for a while about why this is, why haven't I been feeling like a slave? What is it that has stopped me feeling the way I want too and I think the answer to that is complex.
In its simple answer its because Master and I are in a living situation where we can not be ourself. We are never just vanilla but we can't easily express our needs and desires and have them met at the moment. Another issue I think is what is always comes down to, my need for consistency in this life, my need to know that things will be the same tomorrow as they are today, that I have the same rules to follow and that if I break them that I will get in trouble not some days get in trouble and some days not get in trouble. We have rules but when I read over the list only some of them are being followed and both of seem to forget about the others half the time or i remember them but don't follow them because I want some sign from Master that this is what he wants.
I will this where it is for now as Master just got home and may pick up this train of thought later.
Willow
In its simple answer its because Master and I are in a living situation where we can not be ourself. We are never just vanilla but we can't easily express our needs and desires and have them met at the moment. Another issue I think is what is always comes down to, my need for consistency in this life, my need to know that things will be the same tomorrow as they are today, that I have the same rules to follow and that if I break them that I will get in trouble not some days get in trouble and some days not get in trouble. We have rules but when I read over the list only some of them are being followed and both of seem to forget about the others half the time or i remember them but don't follow them because I want some sign from Master that this is what he wants.
I will this where it is for now as Master just got home and may pick up this train of thought later.
Willow
I feel loved (M/s)
It has been a long time since I felt as happy and content in a relationship as I do now. The really scary thing is that I haven't felt this content and happy since I was the slave and property of a gay man. At that point in my life as much as I wanted to be his permanent slave I knew that it would not be forever as their are particular things that someone who is not interested in woman at all wouldn't be able to give me that I need.
Fast forward to now and I am happy and that content again. I am loved, cared for and wanted by a Master who I in return love, care for and want. We have a balance of vanilla and D/s between us. He is not just my boyfriend and he is not just my Master he is both combined in to one very beautiful package. Every day I love him more, every day I feel more comfortable in the knowdlege that he loves me.
A friend of mine made a point a week ago and I think that she hit the nail on the head. Her point was that perhaps I need someone who is Master first and then boyfriend/partner and everything else. All my past relationships have been boyfriend first and then I have tried to make them in to Master but thats not how it is here. A is Master first and then everything else. I love him, want to serve and please him and be his girl, his slave, his property and anything else that he wants me to be. When I am with him the world seems a better place. When he plays with me I feel as though nothing else matters apart from his will.
Yesterday Master bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, they smell gorgeous and look very pretty, he also bought me home snacks when I had mentioned I didn't have any and left it all on my bed for me. It was such a nice romantic caring thing that I think I feel even deeper in love with him.
Willow
Fast forward to now and I am happy and that content again. I am loved, cared for and wanted by a Master who I in return love, care for and want. We have a balance of vanilla and D/s between us. He is not just my boyfriend and he is not just my Master he is both combined in to one very beautiful package. Every day I love him more, every day I feel more comfortable in the knowdlege that he loves me.
A friend of mine made a point a week ago and I think that she hit the nail on the head. Her point was that perhaps I need someone who is Master first and then boyfriend/partner and everything else. All my past relationships have been boyfriend first and then I have tried to make them in to Master but thats not how it is here. A is Master first and then everything else. I love him, want to serve and please him and be his girl, his slave, his property and anything else that he wants me to be. When I am with him the world seems a better place. When he plays with me I feel as though nothing else matters apart from his will.
Yesterday Master bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, they smell gorgeous and look very pretty, he also bought me home snacks when I had mentioned I didn't have any and left it all on my bed for me. It was such a nice romantic caring thing that I think I feel even deeper in love with him.
Willow
Friday, November 2, 2007
Wanting to get back to feeling like a slave. (M/s)
I'm sitting on the couch waiting for Master to get home from work and just wishing that he was here now so that I could feel his arms around me and hear him tell me that he loves me. I guess I really am a hopeless romantic. Master took me out last night and I spent ages getting ready, making myself look pretty for him before going out. We went to the movies and out for dinner and despite my family causing us problems managed to have a good evening out.
Today is a week since I became more then just a student and him trainer. Its a week since I became his girl. The week has been up and down, it has had its good point and bad points but any relationship is like that. We are not playing often at the moment due to our living situation - its hard to play much when we have to wait for everyone else in the house to go to bed by the time they do its after midnight and I am usualy too tired too do much. I know that thinks will get better when we get our own place but I am worried that things are just going to turn vanilla and stay that way just like it did with my ex.
I have been feeling a little off since Tuesday and feel like I am just not a slave and not in the right mindspace. I hate feeling this way, i love the way i feel when my mind is working right and want to get back to that space. Want Master to put me back in to that space but Master is too tired and stressed with work so I am not mentioning it to him, I don't want to stress him out anymore then he already is so I will just wait until he is ready.
Willow
Today is a week since I became more then just a student and him trainer. Its a week since I became his girl. The week has been up and down, it has had its good point and bad points but any relationship is like that. We are not playing often at the moment due to our living situation - its hard to play much when we have to wait for everyone else in the house to go to bed by the time they do its after midnight and I am usualy too tired too do much. I know that thinks will get better when we get our own place but I am worried that things are just going to turn vanilla and stay that way just like it did with my ex.
I have been feeling a little off since Tuesday and feel like I am just not a slave and not in the right mindspace. I hate feeling this way, i love the way i feel when my mind is working right and want to get back to that space. Want Master to put me back in to that space but Master is too tired and stressed with work so I am not mentioning it to him, I don't want to stress him out anymore then he already is so I will just wait until he is ready.
Willow
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Some days are better then others (V)
Some days are better then others, today however is not one of those days.
When I met up with Nathan yesterday he asked me if I had worked out long term plans for the cats. The answer and what may be the sad truth to that question is that right now it seems as though the only solution is going to be to attempt to re home them and if that doesn't work they will have to go to the Rspca. I don't want them to go to the the Rspca, I know that if they do then there is a high chance of them being put down after all they are not cute kittens which means they will not be re homed easily. I miss my kittys so much that it hurts to think about this, so much that I can't look at a photo of them without ending up in tears. I love those animals as if they were my children and I hate being in this position where there is just nothing that I can do about it.
I resent where i live because I can not have even one of my kitty's here. Resent it because I pay rent yet its not really my home after all in my home I would have my pets. Resent it because the house mate does have a cat (and its the only cat i have ever come across that I hated) Resent it because I don't have privacy, because I am just not happy here. Adam keeps telling me its a means to an end and that we will have our own place soon and thats a thought I have to cling too but I know that it is highly likely that where ever we do end up I will not be able to have my kitty's back. I don't even want to go and visit the boys in Coorparoo because i know that if I see my babies I will lose control and end up a mess.
Money is always stressful at the moment. I get about $500 from that I pay $210 for rent/board, $100 to my laptop and $70 to Hogans. It really doesn't leave me with much and I am going to have to buy my way out of my gym membership because I just can't afford to keep paying $50 a month. Perhaps one day in the future I will find myself in a better position but right now things just feel hopeless and are getting me really down. Friends keep telling me how they now have money to go out and do things or buy what ever they want and I sit here thinking thats nice for them and turning in to the green eyed monster because I struggle to afford anything. To have this money stress after so long a period of time where I didn't really have to worry about it is starting to wear me down.
I am thinking that even if my uni debt is cleared up that I won't be able to go back as I need to find a job so that I can support myself and have a little less money stress. Though if I don't go back to uni then I am giving up on my dream and my future security. Guess I need to find part time work and combine it with part time uni until I finish my degree.
I am lonely, stressed and depressed today. I feel like the majority of my friends don't give a damm about me and that hurts when I care so much about them. My bestfriends never contact me it always seem to be me contacting them. Cameron has been working out in the mines for over a year now and that combined with his move to Sydney has really effected our friendship. In the begining I would see him and spend time with him when he was back in Brisbane then he moved but would still make the time to come and see me on his way through Brisbane, now I haven't seen him in months and I miss him. Every so often he calls me but it is starting to feel like he only calls me because he is bored and wants to talk to someone not because he misses me and really desires my company. My other best friend has been distant for months even before Nathan and I broke up but now its just worse. It really hurts.
I have Master which is great and i love him and know he loves me but beyond him I feel all alone and isolated and right now I am just not coping.
Willow
When I met up with Nathan yesterday he asked me if I had worked out long term plans for the cats. The answer and what may be the sad truth to that question is that right now it seems as though the only solution is going to be to attempt to re home them and if that doesn't work they will have to go to the Rspca. I don't want them to go to the the Rspca, I know that if they do then there is a high chance of them being put down after all they are not cute kittens which means they will not be re homed easily. I miss my kittys so much that it hurts to think about this, so much that I can't look at a photo of them without ending up in tears. I love those animals as if they were my children and I hate being in this position where there is just nothing that I can do about it.
I resent where i live because I can not have even one of my kitty's here. Resent it because I pay rent yet its not really my home after all in my home I would have my pets. Resent it because the house mate does have a cat (and its the only cat i have ever come across that I hated) Resent it because I don't have privacy, because I am just not happy here. Adam keeps telling me its a means to an end and that we will have our own place soon and thats a thought I have to cling too but I know that it is highly likely that where ever we do end up I will not be able to have my kitty's back. I don't even want to go and visit the boys in Coorparoo because i know that if I see my babies I will lose control and end up a mess.
Money is always stressful at the moment. I get about $500 from that I pay $210 for rent/board, $100 to my laptop and $70 to Hogans. It really doesn't leave me with much and I am going to have to buy my way out of my gym membership because I just can't afford to keep paying $50 a month. Perhaps one day in the future I will find myself in a better position but right now things just feel hopeless and are getting me really down. Friends keep telling me how they now have money to go out and do things or buy what ever they want and I sit here thinking thats nice for them and turning in to the green eyed monster because I struggle to afford anything. To have this money stress after so long a period of time where I didn't really have to worry about it is starting to wear me down.
I am thinking that even if my uni debt is cleared up that I won't be able to go back as I need to find a job so that I can support myself and have a little less money stress. Though if I don't go back to uni then I am giving up on my dream and my future security. Guess I need to find part time work and combine it with part time uni until I finish my degree.
I am lonely, stressed and depressed today. I feel like the majority of my friends don't give a damm about me and that hurts when I care so much about them. My bestfriends never contact me it always seem to be me contacting them. Cameron has been working out in the mines for over a year now and that combined with his move to Sydney has really effected our friendship. In the begining I would see him and spend time with him when he was back in Brisbane then he moved but would still make the time to come and see me on his way through Brisbane, now I haven't seen him in months and I miss him. Every so often he calls me but it is starting to feel like he only calls me because he is bored and wants to talk to someone not because he misses me and really desires my company. My other best friend has been distant for months even before Nathan and I broke up but now its just worse. It really hurts.
I have Master which is great and i love him and know he loves me but beyond him I feel all alone and isolated and right now I am just not coping.
Willow