Where to start? That is the question. I sit here with my laptop balancing on my knees while I am curled up on the couch. I know that I have to type something in here, know that its important that I get the events of the past few days down in this blog if I want it to be a true account of my journey as a slave but really I don't know where to start. People tell me to start at the begining but I am not quite sure where the begining is.
I guess I will start with what lead up to Saturday and then I will discuss the weekend. Over the past few weeks Master and I have had to adjust to some changes in our lives from him starting a new job to me going back to uni with three nights a week on campus. There have also been other little things such as illness and old inurys flaring up and on my part dissapointment builiding up from all the times we were suppose to play and didn't until Saturday when something cracked in me.
Something cracked in me and I found myself telling Master that I didn't want to be his slave anymore that I would just be his girlfriend. He was ordering me to get up off the couch and for some reason I could just not bring myself to move, I wanted too obey him, I wanted to move but I was frozen and just could not do it. I can't really descripe it other then saying it was like there was a big glass wall in front of me preventing me from getting to what I really wanted. In frustration I think Master decided to go for a walk and left me with a choice. If I still wanted to be his slave I would be kneeling in the bedroom when he got back and if I didn't then we would forget about that part of our life and continue on just as boyfriend/girlfriend going to get married. Perhaps it was a big gamble on Master's part or perhaps he really does know me that well that he knew what my response would be because as soon as he left the room it was like that glass wall and shattered and I found myself able to move again.
Almost as soon as he left I went into the bedroom and knelt on the floor next to the bed. In that position I felt so vunerable at that moment, terrified and like I was right on the edge of a cliff. If i fell one way that would be the end of the relationship if i fell the other way we would be okay. All I could think was that I wanted to be his slave, I didn't want a vanilla relationship I wanted the relationship I had been having and so I was kneeling there and as I knelt I shed some tears. When Master got back he asked me if I wanted to be his slave, if I would accept living by his rules and really wanted to give myself to him and my response was a very quiet yes. It was so hard to make the words come out almost as though the power of speech had fled from me but it was a yes and thats all that really matters.
The events that followed straight after that are not so important (well they are but people don't want to read about Master using me) what is important is the conversation that we had while Master was in the shower and made me kneel on the bathmat. He questioned me on my expectations of him and being a slave, on what I wanted from the relationship and then he told me what he expected, from this conversation flowed a new understanding between us of our roles and positions in our relationship one in which there is no confussion at all of what is expected. He pulled me in to0 the shower with him and did what he wanted to me before sending me to get dry and then we headed in to the bedroom.
I have to say a lot of the rest of Saturday night is a blur, I am fairly sure that he fucked me but what I do remember clearly is being punsihed for earlier events in the evening and losing count of the strokes of the cane so that I received a fair bit more then I he had set as the punishment. After that we were laying on the bed when he started playing with my girly bits and i pushed him away and broke down admiting to him that I had broken one of his rules. At which point carmly he got up, picked up the cane and ordered me to lay on my belly while he canned me. I did as he said and did my best to be as still as I could be and as he canned me I cried. Once he had finished he questioned me and it came out that it had not happened just once that it had happened multiple times over an extended period of weeks and so he gave me another rounds with the cane until I really could not take any more and he had to coach me to get my breathing under control.
Never before have I felt the way after being punished that I did then. For the first time I really did feel punished and regreted disobeying him. The bruises left from the cane made it worse as everytime i moved I remembered how they got there and that they had got there from being punished not from playing. Usualy I would be proud of bruises but not these ones, these ones I didn't want to say a word about to anyone I felt and still do feel so ashamed of them that I guess it is eating me up a little inside. I know that Master has forgiven me and thats all that matters but to me its one lesson that will not be forgotten anytime soon. The rest of the weekend continued with me feeling fairly low and being terrified that after how draining I had been Saturday to him that Master would decide to leave me or rather send me away and not want me anymore. That is still a fear that is somewhat on my mind now but no where near as bad as it was yesterday.
We haven't played or done any of the good stuff (besides sex) since Saturday and as I admited to Master last night I am questioning why I want this and if I really do want this. At the moment it seems that all I can see is the sacrifice and the painful side of things and seeing only this makes me wonder if I am really a slave, because a slave is happy to serve without reward, infact shouldn't serving for someone who is really a slave be a reward in itself? If I am looking at it thinking theres the bad but where is the good and what do I get out of this then what does that say about me as a slave? Master asked me the other day if I am only doing this, if I only want to be his slave because I am afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of being alone but what if somewhere deep down inside that is what makes me want to be a slave? I guess right now I am just confussed and scared. It really does feel like I am at the begining of a new Master/slave relationship and anyone who has been there before knows just how scary it can feel.
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