Nerves

I'm Nervous.

Master recieved his cutting kit from our friend Max today after a few months of waiting to get the money together for it and tonight I know that he plans on using it on me. This idea while exciting me is one that still terrifys me even more so now as I am afraid that he will be angry if I don't like it this time around when he has just spent a lot of money on the needed tools to add it to our play.

Cutting.

This raises so many feelings inside of me and for the first time in a very long time I am really nervous about playing with Master tonight. I have not felt this way since the first time I allowed Master to tie me up with rope and use me as he wanted back at the house in Gallipoli Rd. That was a long time ago now and I have to admit its kind of nice to feel these nerves about playing again, it makes it exciting and new all over. Apart from cutting I have no idea what else or even if Master has anything else planned for tonight. My brain is running with a thousand ideas of scenea he could do and things he could do me right now that I think I am starting to turn in to jelly. He hasn't told me too but I think that right now I need to go in to the bedroom and kneel in the position he likes me to kneel and just wait for him and focus on my breathing, bringing my energy level down a notch so that I feel calm and can better serve him.

I will try and explore the feelings this topic raises in me in more depth later.

Ra'anna

Cages (BDSM)

Before I say anything else on this topic I am going to make a point to say that I have never been caged. I have no idea what it would be like in reality and the idea is something that both terrifys me and excites me.

I often wonder if I could do cages and if so how long could i do them for before enough was enough and I was begging for release? I guess it would depend on the type of cage in dog cage i could more then likely to an hour or so before i really had to streatch however if the cage was long enough that I could lay down in but only high enough that I had to stay on my knees in it I think that I could do that for long periods of time. A post on the collarcht forums on this subject just made me think about it some more so I am going to cut and paste some of that post.

The Meaning Behind Cage Time

Cage time is a very powerful thing for both of us. For me the cage represents your proof of surrender through your sacrifice of freedom. You become my real captive in a real steel prison. You are not just a prisoner in some dull old cell but you are my slave in a “pretty red cage”. It is tangible proof that you surrender to me. I may not legally be able own you but this is as close as it gets to ownership because you are mine to keep… you can’t leave. While caged you are fully at my mercy and I am totally responsible for your health and survival. Not only am I your captor, I am also your caretaker. I believe it is this caretaker role that limits the appeal of caging for some Dom/mes. I see the stupid comments in other’s threads implying that keeping someone captive and feeding them after you’ve just rendered them helpless makes you their nurse maid and their servant. What a crock of shit. If you have ever been responsible for someone else, it takes time, effort and money. It is a hell of lot cheaper and easier to keep some nekked in a cage than to pay for her, her cars, her food, her clothes, her health care, her education, her entertainment and etc. I wanted to post an answer in that thread that asked “how much does it cost to keep a slave”… the answer, “as much as $485,000.00 annually” LOL If you like M/s, not D/s, not Topping, but Master/slave where "ownership" (not just authority) is the driving force, then caging is one of the better ways to get as close to owning someone you can get. It is an awesome and powerful feeling because the reality of it is that you are truly responsible for the person in the cage. I understand that even with bedpans and food trays, imprisoning someone requires a lot of effort from the captor. I’ve never had delusions that a relationship wasn’t a two way street. Both parties must be responsible to the relationship to affect an exchange. If you put yourself into my care and give me your freedom, I will gladly feed you and see that you’re well cared for while you are helpless in my captivity.

To do less would be abuse in my opinion. That is why you get this night light & Teddy bears, nice snacks, a phone, a reading light and other forms of entertainment. That is why cage time include more personal freedoms like eating w/o permission, unfettered phone use and other entertainments like DVDs, books and the Internet. The cage is a symbol of our bond, our connection, our love and your trust. You bet your ass I’m going to make your time in there as nice as possible. For you, I hope your cage time makes you feel helpless and at my mercy. I hope your cage time makes you feel connected to me through my display of mercy. On hope your take time teaches you to trust me in that I will take good care of you while you are at my mercy. I hope your cage time makes you feel like my pretty slave on display in my pretty red cage. I hope your cage time is a very reaffirming act of trust, love and reinforcement of our relationship role positions. I also hope your cage time gives you plenty of opportunity and material for your posts in This thread is ORGASMIC. For you, cage time should be your own proof of surrender and proof of my ability to accept and take care of what you surrender… yourself.

The Cage Set Up

The romantic cage A cage built for 2 - nothing is quite as peaceful or romantic. A Master’s pad on top and a slave pad inside. It’s nice for the captive because cage time in my house allows unfettered access to the slave snacks, internet, phone, DVD player etc.

Having read this I am now viewing cages another way. Being in a cage really does make me helpless and Master's slave but I worry that he is now more my boyfriend/finacee then Master and would let me out when I asked to be let out (Okay i worry that he will let me top from the bottom) A situation where we have a cage big enough to sleep in with a soft padded bottom and water and snacks kind of sounds nice.

A cage where when I am in the cage I don't have to ask permission for the normal things like eating or going to the toilet though having to do it in a bucket or being forced into diapers would be humilating and really make me feel the slave. Where I can essentaily do as I wish unless Master says other wise. These situaiton would be perfect if Master decided to go to a system where we have high protocol days sometimes, the days where a slave has to ask permission for everything and when not serving her Master is kneeling at his feet, silent unless she has permission to talk. By high protocol I mean the protocol you see in some Master/slave relationships or Gor relationships, on those days a cage would be a wonderful place to have free time and play on my laptop or phone or watch a dvd while still knowing that while I was doing things for myself I was still Master's slave and would be there until he deemed otherwise, that this could be hours or days would just add to the thrill. If Master let me decorate the cage so that it was nice and livable and didn't feel cold and sterile and didn't make me feel like I wasn't loved or that he didn't want me I think I could do the cage things for a few days at a time.

Imagine the play we could have with a cage. We could have two, the nice one that I could be trained to enjoy and want to spend time in, the one that in my mind equals freedom because apart from being locking in there other rules do not apply and then a cage that is smaller without the room to stretch but be forced to kneel or lay on the floor of the cage in a tight ball. A dog size cage that has rice on the bottom of it that i must kneel on for how ever long master decideds while hooded so that all my focus is on the rice digging in to my knees and legs... yeap that would be a punishment all right. Perhaps we could roll a dice and that would say how long i was to remain in the cage (10, 20, 30 up to 60mins) and then set an oven timer that is ticking down but i have no idea how long remains because i am locked in to my hood and all there is is darkness and the clock ticking down and the pain from the rice. Of course the punishment cage could also be use for some fun if the rice was cleaned up and a nice thick sheepskin rug placed on its floor we could have fun with kitty play.

Or another cage game, Master ties my hands above me and me legs out through the bars on the cage open and vunerable so that he can tease me and use me through the bars of the cage or he ties me down on my back, uses the rings on my play collar so that i can barely turn my head and then stalks around me flicking me with the crop or whip, tormenting the beast in the cage and i can't get away.

So many ideas now... I wonder what Master would think of saving up for the large cage that i could lay down in. My dream cage would be pink or purple and have thick padding on the bottom of it, the pading is wrapped with a feather doona in a plain black cover for more padding. On top of this doona the slaves bed is made up consisting of a thick sheep skin rug or two for more softness then a sheet and top sheet, blanket and doona and pillows with a cushion or two and a teddy bear for company. The cage also has a small emergency light attached to it. The top has a padded mat and can be used as a bondage table. Something like this one but with my own touches. http://www.residentsadist.com/pics/cagenew95.jpg

For humliation and/or pet slave inside the cage is attached a water bottle and a food dish much the same way they would be attached to a pets cage. Depending on if we are doing kitty play or not the slave is either required to eat animal like from the pet bowl or yummy treats such as chocolate are provided for her here. http://www.residentsadist.com/pics/cagenew93.jpg

All Master's again

With exams now over and done for the semster I find myself with time to post once again to this blog but not only do I have the time to post and now have more time for life and most of all am a slave to nothing and nobody else apart from Master. No more being a slave to my studies I belong all to Master. Being a slave to my studies is something that has been making me really sad and making me feel once again as though I am no slave at all. It has been weeks since Master and I last played or really did anything apart from having sex (Which is fun but theres much more to us then that) and it has been weeks since Master has kept me strictly to his rules although most of the time I have been fairly good at following them anyway.

I have a feeling though that I may find it a little bit of a challenge to get back to where I was a little while ago that night when it hit me that I belong to Master and that his will is my will, that night that I was in tears and terrified and now a little bit on thats exactly how I want to feel, I want to feel like his slave, want to know that i belong to him and that he will use me as a slave should be used.

Our life is changing once again. Master has a new job that he begins on Monday, I am on holidays for the next two weeks before begining the new semester at uni and I even have a new laptop that my wonderful Master bought for me, its pink and so pretty and just perfect for what i need a laptop to do, our housemate (who is also my ex) went out and got himself a new laptop too, he keeps trying to compare the new with me and make me feel like his is better but it doesn't matter I like my pink laptop and its what I need so he doesn't matter. Mum was up yesterday and we spend the day with her which was nice. I think the only other real piece of news I have is sad news. My little kitty Charlotte was hit by a car and died a week ago. I am missing her very much and still feel sad when i think about her but I am dealing with it.

Ra'anna

A quote (BDSM)

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. ~ Anais Nin

Its been a hard days night... (M/s)

Last night would have to be one of the worse nights that I have had since being with Master and today has left me feeling down, alone and wondering if he really does still want me or if he is just saying that so as not to upset me.

It started with a play session that just didn't meet me needs. At first I thought that Master was punishing me because he didn't warm me up first before canning then me and I broke down in tears asking him if i had really been that bad. After holding me and wiping my tears away we continued with impact scene but Master decided to end it and move on to something else which is this case was bondage and sex. As he was tying me up I felt as though I had failed him and were dissapointing him because the way I moved made the knots not work and I could see the annoyance on his face. Then he had me in a predicment bondage position which was great and enjoyable and secure, he started playing with my button however and it hurt, (again I failed) when i told him this again I could see and feel some sort of frustration from him before he had me move on to my back and used me for his own pleasure (which I also enjoyed though left me feeling very antsy) once the sex was over he untied me and it was over with me feeling very much used and walking on very rocky ground when he said that I could not use my buzzy to get my pleasure.

Now that I have given a general overview of the events that took place I can begin to deconstruct them and explain them and why they left me feeling the way that I do now.

1. The second time around with the impact scene my mind was just getting to the place that I call slave space, its not subspace floaty but it is a space I enjoy being in. I think that the endorphins were just starting to run through my body at that point and it was just starting to feel good with me focusing on my breathing and in an almost medative mind state. Stopping when it did meant that I didn't get the endorphin rush and that from the few endorphins I did have caused me to drop.

2. Moving on to bondage was again a similar issue. I love rope and am a rope slut but it stopped just as i was getting to my rope space.

Logicaly I know why we stopped, Master was too tired to continue. However emotionaly it felt like something I really wanted was being waved in my face and then pulled away from me just as I almost had it in my hands, like the bully teasing the kids in the school yard. It felt emotionaly like things ended early because i was bad and that somehow I had failed Master once again.

When he said no to be using my buzzy the whole world started crashing down around me as it hit home that i am a slave and only property. That he can do with me as he wishes no matter how it makes me feel and that I am just here for his enjoyment, pleasure and to make his life easier. I know that I have said in the past many times that I just wanted to feel like a slave, however I have discovered that there are two different ways of feeling that. One if a positive feeling, where everything in the world seems to make sense and you know you are where you are meant to be and that you are safe as your Masters toy, girl, slave that he will look out for your best interests.

The other way is what happened last night, when things leading up to it had felt negative and when needs had not been satisfied and your feeling disssapointed and used (not in the good way) when it hits that you feel this way because your Master did what he wanted too with you and that you had no say or control in it. You feel like you are just property, a toy to be played with and then put away or upgraded when the better model comes out and you begin to wonder if you really want this. In your mind all you can see are the negatives of being a slave and there doesn't seem to be a positive but you say because you love them and you stay because you are there property and you don't have the right to just walk away when someone else owns you.

That someone else can have that much control over you can hit hard and be the scariest thing in the world and you wonder what sort of sick person you are to choose this lifestlye, your brain screams at you to get out while you can, to leave and take control of your own life and do what you want to do when you want but deep inside you can't because you love your Master, because you want to serve them and because deep inside you know that nobody else has ever made you feel the way that he does and that beside him is where you are meant to be.

But you know what thats not all that happened last night if it was perhaps I would not feel so bad now but the events that followed were even worse. One of my others decided that she didn't want Adam in our lives anymore and did everything she could to get rid of him and I think it almost worked. The upshot of that is that Adam was hurt, I was hurt and today I don't really know how I feel apart from wondering why he still wants me and feeling like the worse person in the world. I feel as though he will never want to use me again that from here everything will go vanilla and right now more then anything else I need him to be Master, I need him to be in control, I need him to do a scene with me even just a light one so that I can feel wanted and needed and loved and see that being a slave is a good thing not a bad scary thing.

Stressed (V)

I'm feeling a little lonely at the moment even though I am sitting in the loungeroom where my bestfriend is playing the xbox 360 I still feel alone. I know that it comes mainly from the fact that so much of my time is being taken up by exam study at the moment that I don't really have time for anything (or anyone) else. Even when I am not actively studying my mind is consumed with thoughts of the exams, with the topics I have reviewed that day or with thoughts of the areas that I feel I need to know a lot more. I have had a few panic attacks because of this as I will suddenly think of something and realise that I don't know enough, that i'm not good enough and then I become convinced that I will fail. Of course this exam stress is also affecting other areas of my life. I jump between being moody and snappy to being weepy and just wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry. The tiny things are setting me off at the moment from not finishing the dvds we hired out last weekend too feeling like I had failed at making a toastie for Master because it was a little soggy. I am sure Master and our housemates are tired of my moods and my stress and all I can say is that it will be over soon and thats something that I have to hold on too. I know that I can get through these exams and I know that I can and will pass them and the units after all I got 75% on both the midsemesters which means all I need to do for two of my exams is get 40% and I have past the units, if i get more then that great but if not then passing is all that really matters.

Another one of the things stressing me out is once again not feeling like a slave. I know that we go through this often and I know that I am a slave, I think Master put it perfectly the other night, at the moment I am more a slave to my studies then I am to him and to be honest that makes me feel bad. Master should never take second place in his slaves life but yet at the moment he is in mine and he is doing things like getting me drinks and making me food rather then the other way around. Master is supporting me and encouraging me and I am grateful for it, part of me is even grateful for him chaining me to the desk so that I study without distractions. Its funny the chain is still under the desk but even without being secured to it today I had more focus on my study, I think that the fact that I knew he could and would chain me to it in an instant if i got too distracted kept me on focus.