Things change (M/s)

Its kind of funny how things change. Master and I had our anniversery on Sunday. We went out for dinner and on Saturday went to the movies together, Master bought me some pretty roses, a book that i wanted and some jewellery and we just had a nice vanilla time together. Vanilla because i was in too much pain for anything. Now my pain is gone but Master is sick so we can not do anything.

A year ago we took every oppurtunity we had to 'play' (Oh how i hate that word play) we would stay up until 2am in the morning and play. Now we stay up until 2am in the morning but its to watch dvds or play on the computers. Its kind of sad really. Yes we are 24/7 but i feel like the only slave like things I do are asking before I eat or sit down, which i do pretty much most of the time. I read through the last set of rules we put together and it makes me kind of sad that they are not really being followed or enforced, i think if they were I would feel a little better about things. Master plays with me every so often but his not really training me in anything and while I will get him things when he asks for the most part we are vanilla.

I was reading a thread on fetlife the other day about how people maintain the dynamic around every day life and one of the things that a girl and her Master on there does is to go to bed at a particular time every night (usualy an hour or two before they would be ready to sleep) This 'bedtime' is then time for them to play, snuggle, talk or just be together. She says that they use the time for play perhaps three times a week though sometimes every night. She goes in to the bedroom 10 minutes earlier and makes sure its tidy, she lights candles and incense to set a nice soft romantic play away from everyday space and then she kneels waiting for her Master. He comes in and lets her know what he desires and she follows his instructions. When there play or together time is over she kneels and asks permission to sleep in 'his' bed and once permission is granted he puts her to bed, tucks her in and says goodnight with a kiss then leaves her to sleep. Master tucks me in everytime which i love but I would love to have some sort of nightly ritual/together time like tha lucky girl. Perhaps I should discuss it with Master. We could go to 'bed' at 11.00pm and have two hours for some together time without any issues. Hell even if sometimes it was used to watch a DVD together on the laptop away from everyone else and in our own magical space.

One day hopefully not to far in the future I will no longer be this overweight lump of flesh. One day I will have a nice body and be able to look hot in skimpy fetish outfits instead of just looking like a sumo trying to squeeze into something smaller. I see so many people with sexy/hot profiles pics and I wish I could be one of them. Wish people commented on my photos telling me how hot I am or how cute I am but that never happens and somedays I feel like it will never happen.

I don't want to go to partys because getting dressed in fetish wear makes me acutely aware of just how big I am.

Am I not good enough? (BDSM M/s)

Master and I had a high protocol day yesterday and it felt so right. Even Master said that if we had our own place thats how things would be most of the time though I honestly don't think it would be that way most of the time. There is no reason in our current living situation that things can not be more like that so its really not an issue of having our own place or not but more an issue of will to do i think. While some parts of high protocol really annoy me for the most part I love the way it makes me feel. I feel like a real slave, i feel safe and wanted, cared for and needed in ways that I usualy don't feel. Its not like its really that much work on either of our parts I tend to be fairly good about the rules and follow them and Master only occasionaly has to pull me up so why oh why do we keep drifting back to this world that is almost vanilla a lot of the time? Sure I ask permission to sit and eat but it still can feel very vanilla. When we have a high protocol day even when we are both enjoying our own interests its still there at the back of my mind and I know what I am. I feel like on those days my spirit shines and then when the next day we go back to our usual life I sink and want more of the shiney. Its not sinking from subdrop its sinking from not feeling fufilled, not feeling like anything more then just a sub (not that I have any issues with subs)

Master played with me last night. He bound me and flogged me as well as tortuing me with the wheel, I know that he enjoyed himself i could hear it in his voice as he spoke to me but I am confussed, if he enjoyed himself as much as he said he did then why does it seem to be such as issue for him to play with me today, if he enjoys it that much why does it seem that so much of the time playing with me in anyway beyound just fucking me is a chore? Where did the life we haed a year ago vanish too, when we played happily pretty much every night, late at night after everyone was in bed, when we took any chance we had to play and be together. Why has that been replaced with vanilla activitys, watching movies, playing computer games, these are things I enjoy but to me I enjoy them as much as I enjoy other forms of play. Why is playing with me such a chore? Am I too much of a high maintance slave? Do I ask for to much or expect too much? Master does meet my needs more then anyone else in the past has met them but still I need, still I crave and theres nothing I can do about it but wait until Master wants me, until he wants to play with me or use me.

What is wrong with me that he doesn't want to do these things with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I a bad slave? Am I boring? Too demanding? Am I too messed up and he just doesn't want to say it? I need it more then once every few weeks, need it more then it just being a sometimes treat. Something only to do when the house is empty.

Why does it hurt so much that he doesn't want to play with me?

Assignment 2: Scene with what ever I want included

You arrive home to find me kneeling in the bedroom as you have ordered, I am showered and clean, my hair and makeup done to your specifications. You walk up to me and kiss me gently on the neck, you reach down below to my tender spots and run a finger over me making sure I am shaved smooth, happy with what you find you then take me and fuck me hard, making sure I know to who I belong. Once you are done with me you procede to get me dressed. You start by producing a new breast harness and buckle it on around my breasts leaving them supported but bare and looking so very sexy. Once the breast Harness is in place you bend me over and insert a butt plug and then a bullet to make sure these stay in place you produce another new piece this time a steel chaisty belt to hold the plugs in place and make sure that I can not fiddle with them at all, attached to the belt is steel thigh belts that can either be locked together or left free. Through the rings on these you attach a short chain so that I can walk easily but can not open my legs to far apart. You finish dressing me tonight is a night full of surprises and you produce a gorgeous pair of high heeled knee high boots that lock on around my ankles, so high that i struggle to walk in them, just to make life a little harder you apply angle cuffs and link them with another short chain, and wrists cuffs that are attached with a short chain to my thigh cuffs. I have enough chain that I can be comfortable sitting down but not enough to really do anything with my hands .Now I must rely on you to help me keep my balance. You place a blindfold over my eyes and a gag in my mouth then you make me kneel. As i kneel I wonder what you have planned, I don't have to wait long because soon you are helping me to stand and cliping a chain to my collar. You lead me outside and help me down the stairs and through the backyard, then you help me into a car. I hear you getting into the front and the sounds of the car starting and then we are driving. Where we are going I don't have a clue but I trust you and so I allow myself to relax and enjoy the bondage and motion of the car. We drive for what feels like hours but soon enough the car comes to a stop and you open the back door and help me out. I don't know where we are but I can smell the trees and dirt that must mean we are in the bush somewhere.

I wobble on my heels and you quickly steady me, once I have my balance you lead me on a rough trek, and then you are releasing my hands from the thigh cuffs, before I know what is happening I feel my wrists pulled upwards towards the sky until my arms are completly straight above me. Next I feel you fasten a spreader bar to my ankles and it becomes even harder to maintain my balance but I know that I must. You unwrap my skirt and then I feel you run a sharp knife ever so carefulk against my skin, you bring the knife to my face and tell me not to move as you don't want to do any damage to my pale white skin then suddenly i feel you cut my shirt from my body leaving me exposed with just the breast harness and chaisty belt on. I have no idea where we are but I think that I can hear other people moving around us. Trusting that you are going to protect me and not share me with anyone else I do my best to relax and just let the events flow. For a little while I hear and feel nothing and then from out of nowhere I feel the heat followed by the stink of a flogger, i let out a little yelp and then take a deep breath in as I have been taught. Again their is the crack and the pain of the flogger hitting my skin and again I breath through it. The thuds begin coming faster and cover my back, you change floggers a few times each feeling different from the previous one until you have me warmed up enough to use the worst of floggers. My back feels like it is on fire and as you flog its feels like my skin is being ripped apart, I know that this is not so but knowing and feeling are two different things. Just as I feel that I am going to collapse the thuds stops and you lower my wrists back down attaching them once again to my waist. I take a deep breath and begin to relax but just as I do so you grap my hair and in a hard and rough voice tell me that its not over yet.

Suddenly I feel you push me from behind and I struggle to keep my balance but can not I fall forward and just as I am about to panic someone catches me they don't hold me for long before pushing me back towards you and on these heels I am helpless and all I can do is fall towards I am pushed. The pushing continues backwards and forwards for a while leaving me completly off balance and frightened still of being dropped then I find myself being caught from behind again, somewhere my mind knows that it was you behind me but thats a distant though. You catch me and lower me to the ground where I lay still catching my breath and waiting having no idea what to expect now. You detach my wrists once again from the thigh cuffs and I feel myself being stretched spread eagle laying on the bare earth, then the chains form my ankles are detached and my legs are spread as well. Blind surrounded by the smell of the bush I lay there spread out feeling vunerable but in my belt protected as I know nobody else could use me. I hear you having a conversation with someone and the hiss as cans of drink are opened. Time passes and i begin to struggle at my bonds, I hear you laugh and point out my struggles to your friend, then I hear you get up and approach me once again, hearing you come back my struggles subside but then out of nowhere i feel the thud as a flogger hits my breasts, you flog my breasts for a while and then I feel the sharp sting of the cane on them. I begin to cry and beg you to stop punishing my breasts and then all of a sudden i feel you hand at my throat pinning me even tighter to the ground and a voice whisper in my ear that if i put on a good show I will be rewarded. Louder you tell me that I am yours and you will do what you want to me and let whoever you want watch and that I have no rights to stop anything that is going on. Perhaps feeling a little mercy for me at this point you place a straw in to my mouth and allow me to have a drink wetting my tonque and taking my thirst away. You make me drink until there is nothing more to drink and I know that I have consumes a lot of water.

You begin to flog my breasts again and then all of a sudden you stop and i feel you unlocking my belt, afraid now but trying my best to trust you I don't make a sound as you remove the belt and thigh cuffs. You then proceede to flog my pussy and until I can no longer take anymore and begin begging you to stop. Unhappy with my cries you stop and shove a gag in my mouth but this is like no other gag i have ever used it is some sort of funnel and forces me to drink what ever is pored in to it if i want to keep breathing, you pour som foul tasting liquid into the funnel and then continue to flog me. When my front can take no more you untie me wrists and legs getting your friend to help hold me down so that i can not kick out or move i am flipped over and again spread out. My back still sore from its earlier flogging recieves more of a punishment followed by my ass until i know that my ass is red and bleeding. As this goes on from time to time more liquid is pored into the funnel and i keep swallowing but now my bladder is full and i know that soon i will have to go the bathroom. The flogging stops again and again I am left alone with my full bladder and the heat from the flogging. I hear you and your friend talking again and more drinks opened. I decide to use this moment to take a deep breath and relax as much as I am able as I have no idea what will come next. All too soon this peaceful moment is taken away as I feel you place a foot on my lower back right where my bladder is, you gentle push and the pressure is so great that as much as i fight the urge i can not help myself and am forced to wet myself. You notice and laugh, calling me a dirty slut and pointing out my lack of control to your friend. Humilated, sore and wet i stay quiet and waiting. You untie me replace the thigh cuffs again attaching my wrists to them, then suddenly I feel the cold spray of the hose and hear you comment on how you must clean your dirty slave before you can do anything else. Dripping wet and cold you then make me wobble on my heels back up the track from earlier, still blind and feeling small and humble i follow as you pull on my lead. We arrive somewhere and you replace my belt but before you do so you fuck me hard and then place a plug in my ass. Once the belt is replaced you release my hands and guide me down to my knees and forward until under my hands i feel a soft blanket and some sort of padding, then I hear the clack of metal and realise that I have been placed in a cage. You reach in through the bars and gentle pat me on the head for a moment telling me what a good slave I am and that I should remember that everything you are doing you are doing to make me a better slave. All to soon the comfort of your soothing voice and soft touch are gone, your voice switches to a hard tone as you tell me its time to sleep and then I hear you walking away. At first I am afraid, I feel around and work out that the cage is big enough to lay down in but not big enough to stand up only kneel. The bottom is padded and after feeling around for a moment I find a soft pillow, and what feels like my bunny and a bottle of water. At first i hope this is just a game and that you will come back but as time passes I realise that this is real, i cry a little bit and feel very small and alone but soon enough exhaustion hits me and I fall asleep curled into a little ball in the corner of the cage.

Assignment 1: Scene using easily aquired equipment (BDSM)

I kneel waiting for Master to decide what he wishes to do with me this evening, as I kneel I feel the familar butterflies that occur when ever I have no idea what to expect, with Master these butterflies happen before any play session or when ever he won't tell me what we are doing on the weekend as I know from experience how often he can completly surprise me with something that I didn't expect. Not that I mind being surprised it helps keep spice in my world and means things are never boring but anyway I am getting sidetracked.

I kneel, as ordered I have showered, been shaved by Master and are clean and bare for Masters pleasure. My hair has been left loose but I have straightened it with the hairdryer as Master likes and have applied a little make up trying to make myself look nice and alive for Master rather then pale and sick. It is up to Master to decide what he wishes to dress me in but I have laid out some suggetions on the neatly made bed. I guess I have never really been that good at leaving things to chance when it comes to my appearance, topping from the bottom maybe but hey I freely admit that I have better dress sense then Master does when it comes to womans clothes.

Master walks into the room and hands me my naughty pants, the ones with the buzzy that inserts into my tender cunt. He orders me to put this one while he decides what else I can wear. once on I wait again kneeling. Master produces a sharpie and writes on my body all the dirty things that I am before he hands me a skirt and top and orders me to get dresses. While getting dressed I feel the buzz of the toy as Master controls it from the remote in his pocket. I jump having not expected it and am grateful when he switches it off.

Once dressed Master takes me for a walk down the street, we act like any normal couple looking in the shops and stopping for a drink but I am aware of the little invader inside me and wonder if anyone else knows, if anyone else can hear it when Master switches it on and what they must think of me if they can. I feel hot and bothered but I try not to show this. Master knows that this is enough to get me very turned on but without physical stimulation of my clit I can not cum. I must endure in silence and never give away how dirty I am under my clothes.

Eventaully after what feels like forever we return home and on walking in the door Master strips me, before I have had time to gather my thoughts Master slips a blindfold over my eyes so i can not see as he prepares everything else he wishes to use for the evening. A few moments pass and he produces a pair of earplugs ordering me to insert them which I do. They don't block out sound altogether but they do make it harder to hear anything. Master produces a ring gag and inserts it into my mouth before he slips the blindfold off and replaces it with the spandex hood followed by the leather sensory deprivation hood. Now hearing is even harder and its easier to just tune the world out then strain to hear. I am helpless the gag in my mouth prevents any speech, I can barely hear and the hood blocks out the world complelty so I have no idea what is coming next.

I feel Master pull me so that I am on my knees and push me so that my chest is tilted downwards, raising my ass for easy access. The naughty pants are still on from earlier but this does not bother him, he moves the strap at the back for easy access to my ass and before I know it I feel a gloved finger inserted in my hole, opening me up gently and slowely to prevent any tearing, this is replaced by two fingers and then when I am nice and stretched lubricated and ready this is replaced by the unforgiving hardness of a glass or silicon butt plug. The strap on the back of the naughty pants helps hold it all in. Again I feel Master pulling me where he wants me, this time its standing, he leads me a step or two away from the bed, why I don't know but it becomes clear a moment later when i feel him beging to wrap gladwrap around my naked body from shoulders down to midthigh. He starts at the top and when that is all tight and secure preventing any movement he stops for a moment and gentle using the safety sissors cuts my breasts out for easy access. He then leads me to the bed and helps me to lay down on it, proping my legs up against the wall so that he can easily finish wrapping me. Once done he moves me so that I am laying on the bed, completly immobile and in major sensory deprivation I am acutely aware of any touch to my exposed breasts or the buzz on the invader in my cunt.

He begins softly stroking my breasts with different implements alternating pleasure and pain and then he applies some sort of clamp to my nipples. It is a long while before I feel his touch again it could have been minutes or hours I have no idea. He uses the safety sissors to cut free my legs and cuts until he can get the panties off. He pulls the invader out of my cunt only to relace it by his own member as he fucks his toy. Still bound from the waist up I can do very little but allow him to do what he wishes. Once finshed fucking me he pulls me up from the bed and guides me elsewhere in the house, He pushes me down and i am kneeling on the carpet. Still hooded i kneel waiting. After a while he cuts through the rest of the wrap and then pullls the hoods of and takes the gag and earplugs out. The hood is replaced with the latex blindfold and before i know it he has placed me in the bath full of water to 'cool down' after the heat of the wrap. He quickly hogties me in the bath and i must rely on him to keep my head above water. Every so often he dunks me and holds me under before pulling me up for air. He speaks to me telling me how I don't have control of anything and how i must trust him. Eventually he lets the water out of the bath unties me and helps me dry off before having my lay at his feet in the loungeroom to watch a movie together. Every so often he reaches down and strokes me or feed me popcorn or other treats from his hands and I know that I am loved and cared for and very much the property of my Master.

mmmmmmmmmm fantasy world

It took all of a few minutes of me looking at whippedass.com to get hot and bothered and wanting some fun with Master. Wanting to feel him fuck me - We have had sex this week but it has been romantic and passionate sex not the type you get when a Master fucks and uses his slave and while the romance is nice and sometimes what I am craving more then anything else right now I was the other way around. I want kinky play and dirty sex.

I am craving the helplessness of sensory deprivation, The hood blocking out all light turning me into an object, earplugs or headphones controlled what I can hear only the smell of the leather. I desire the touch of rope against my soft pale skin, a bite of pain as my nipples are played with and clamps or chopsticks applied, the warmth of his hands stroking my body, touching me all over, leaving me open and vunerable to his whims as he teases me and pushes me closer and closer to orgasim only to hold it off for what seems like forever. Suddenly there is silence as the music stops for some reason only to be replaced by the sound of latex gloves snapping before the music that he has chosen again blocks out my knowdledge of what is happening around me. Nervous, expecting something but trying not to expect anything i jump when i feel the paddle hit my behind and warm it, its not what i was expecting but I try to relax and just flow with it, try to enjoy the pain. The pain stops and then all of a sudden when i had forgotten all about the gloves I feel cold, wetness and a little pain as one gloved finger pushes its way into my long neglected asshole. I know that if i tense up it will hurt more but its so hard to relax. The finger slowely slides in and out lubricating me and slowely stretching me, just as i am relaxing and think this isn't so bad i feel another finger enter and both of them slide gently up and down stretching me, filling me, making me nothing more then Master's toy, the two fingers slowely spread apart pushing my delciate ass to accept even more torture and then before i know it the warm softness of the fingers are gone and replaced with the hard unforgiving plastic of a plug. I feel Master loop some rope around my waist and then run it between my legs to tie at the front, pulling the plug in tight holding it there so that i have no chance of removing it. It stays there as Master proceddes to admisitor more pain, it stays in for what feels like forever and then Master is undoing the rope, not being able to help myself i push the plug out only to have it put back by Master. He repositions my body in a position where he can fuck me easily and hard, making sure i feel every deep thrust as well as making sure the plug stays in so that I am full like a slave should be. Once he has finsihed with me I lie there waiting, not knowing what to expect until all of a sudden I feel him playing with me, pushing my button, i hold off as long as I can as he has not given me permission to cum but he keeps pushing and teasing me until all the teasing of the night builds to a point where i can not hold it in and i explode into a violent orgasim. Exhausted i collapse back on the bed only to find Master is once again there fucking me, using his slave for his pleaure regardless of how she feels. By the time he has finshed with me, untied me and taken the hood off i am drifting into a happy content sleep. The last thing I hear is him telling me that tomorrow will be a high protocol day and that I am not to get out of bed until he has told me I can get up. He then slips a light spandex hood over my head as i fall into a deep sleep.

Its been a long time since my ass was played with and the idea of it scares me but its something that I want to experiance again, to sacrifice that fear so that my whole body belongs to my Master.

Humilating fantasys (BDSM)

I have some fantasy's, ones that I have never really mentioned before and that the thought of being made to do them terrifies me yet at the same time one day as much as it scares me and I would be humilated I kind of hope that one day it will happen, that one day I will be forced into one of these situations regardless of what I think or feel about them because I am the slave and they would reenforce this.

One of those fantasys involves diapers, not the sort you get from the supermarket but the sort used in nursing homes for those who really have an issue, the ones that can hold up to two or three liters of liquid before they leak. I have been put in diapers a few times in a past relationship and found that even when just at home they were humilating, however what would make it worse would be to be locked in to diapers when other people are around too and have no choice but to use them, whether i am bound until they are full or forced to just carry on a normal day or serve Master and any of his guests and then once they are full, Master not removing them until he has made me beg for their removal. As an extension of this fantasy I wonder what it would be like to be locked into a diaper and then taken out somewhere, either out to dinner, a bar for drinks or the movies. Somewhere that he makes me drink a lot of liquid and then will not leave until I have been forced to wet in the diaper and then to make it worse and even more embarressing, having to walk home with wet diapers and the sound that they make the whole way home wondering if anyone has noticed and then again having to beg Master for their removal and hope that he says yes and allows them to come off or having him point out how much I am under his control that even toilet habits can be controlled by him or verbally humilated about how dirty it is or whatever.

I don't find this fantasy erotic in the least, me wanting Master to diaper me is about wanting to feel his complete control and the hopelessness and helplessness that goes along with it and i know that diapers is something that makes me feel that way. I feel helpless in diapers and humilated and this puts me even more into my slave mindset pointing out to me just how much of Master's slave I really am and how I wil do anything he asks of me even if I don't like it or want to do it.

Another fantasy similar to being taken out in diapers is Master getting home one night, spanking me or canning me or whatever enough for it to hurt when i sit down and leave bruises for days afterwards and then showing very little care for what ever I am feeling he fucks me hard, so hard that it almost hurts. Once he has finshed with me he decides that we are going out for dinner and chooses what I am to wear. A sexy dress, makeup, do my hair and just before we leave he forces me to put on one of those harnesses that forces a dildo into a girls cunt and a butt plug in her ass. He lockes this harness/belt on to me with a padlock so that I have no chance of removing these invaders and then he takes me out for a nice dinner, setting down the rules on the way out he tells me that he will order for me, that i must keep his water glass full as all times and that all formal high protocol rules are in place which means I must wait for his permission to sit, eat, talk or do anything. Perhaps we are out to dinner with someone else and instead of ordering me dinner he forces me to sit there, pretty just an object to look at next to him while he converses with his friend and eats his meal, feeding me some of his food every so often. As for the things inside of me they are the sort that are remote controlled and every so often he turns them on, while I do my best to not react at all because he has warned me that if i show obvious signs of reacting to the buzz I will be punished when we get home.

Sometimes I think my mind is a very dark and twisted place.