unhappy (M/s)

Words can not really express how much I am longing to be in that submissive/slave mindspace that not so long ago I lived in. I can't really explain how much I am craving that Master/slave interaction and everything that goes along with it from the rules that I must follow on a daily basis to hearing his voice when he gives me an order or the feelings that run free inside of me when we are 'playing.'

I am not quite sure how we got to this point where our day to day life is vanilla and has been for what feels like an eternity. I know that on the surface we can say it is because of our living situation but when i think about it I don't know how much that really holds up. In the begining we were not vanilla even when other people were home, in the begining the dominance and submission was always there no matter what it was we were doing. When people went out we took the chance to play and do things together even when we didn't know how long they would be. We stayed up late at night so that we could do scenes after people went to bed and in our day to day life and interactions there was never any doubt as to who was in charge... so what happened? I miss that life. I feel like now we are just vanilla without even the chocolate topping and it makes me sad. I want to go back to being chocolate, I am willing to put in the effort and work it takes to get back there even while knowing that going from feeling vanilla to being chocolate again can be an emotional journey and for me a difficult one but I am willing to take that journey, need to take that journey because I am not happy how things are currently standing.

Master and I have been having a lot of little problems of late and when I really stop and thing about it I wonder if its because the dynamic has changed between us. Is it happening because both of us have no idea where we stand anymore? Is it happening because neither of us is happy with this relationship right now? I don't want to just be his girlfriend and a bedroom submissive. I feel like a liar when I say that I am a slave these days because is reality right now I am just vanilla. As I type this entry tears are falling and I have to admit that I have cried a lot lately because i don't know if this is going to work. I want to be his slave, want him to be my Master and its not happening. I left the last relationship I was in because my needs were not being meet and I don't want to have to do that again.

We have toys sitting here that we have never even used. A hood that I wanted for a long time that has not even come out of its bag. Will they ever be used?

Willowmoon

Random update (M/s V)

I can't wait until Master has found a new job and we have the money to move in to a place of our own. Sharing a house is okay when the people you are sharing with are lifestyle friendly but when we have to hide our relationship dynamic on a daily basis it starts to wear you down not to mention how frustrating it gets trying to find playtime. Today is a good example we have been home alone all day but can't do anything because we don't know when our housemate is due home all we know is that she doesn't have work today. We don't like doing a scene when we have no idea when people will be home because its highly frustrating to have to stop a scene when it has barely begun. Master could spend half an hour or more tying me up and then find that people get home just after he finishes and he has to untie me which leaves me frustated and dissapointed.

Life is going okay at the moment. We don't have much money which is stressful but we know that things will get better on that front soon. I have gone back to uni to do get my chemistry done in summer school and Master is searching for a job. He has two interviews on Friday so hopefully one of them will turn in to a job. We have spent a fair bit of time at the boys house in Coorparoo just hanging out. We may not have much money but at least we can get out for a little while and go and see friends or go to a Camarilla game.

My goal for today was to get my bedroom cleaned up but I don't think that I am going to get it completed. Its too humid so that after I spent a short amount of time cleaning I find myself covered in sweat and feeling icky. It is getting better slowely though.

I am feeling lonely at the moment. Master is upstairs on his laptop and I am downstairs in my room. It seems when ever we are home he is upstairs and i am downstairs. I don't understand why he must sit in the loungeroom upstairs on his laptop when he use to use it downstairs and be close to me. Perhaps he is just sick of me always being around. I just wish we could spend some time together, time thats not both of us doing things on our computers while in the same room together. I need to feel that he is spending time with me not with his computer.

We didn't get that play session but I did get some intimate time. (D/s)

Well we didn't get to play quite that way I wanted too today, No whips, no floggers, paddles, chain or rope instead just Master and I being intimate. We may not have got to scene as such but we did get to make love/have sex what ever you want to call it and it was good sex. There were deep passionate kisses and Master bringing me to orgasim over and over again with just his fingers... then his tonque... then his fingers. It went on and on and on and when I tried to push him away he just continued until HE had finished. That was quite different for me as usualy when I push him away the stimulation stops but no not this time. This time I was lost in the feelings and emotions of the moment without any other thought in my head beyound this is what Master wants. I let myself relax, I let myself go and let myself submit completly to his touch and it was well worth it. At one stage I grapped a pillow partly to try and hide myself, partly to have something to try and focus on while I was trying to get control of my body, control which i never managed to gain hold off as Master snatched the pillow from me. Once he had done that he had sex with me, used me as he wanted to in various positions, took me hard and fast, gentle and slow even managing to keep me a little off balance in sex and always feeling his control.

Without any toys, or any real commands he managed to make me feel more submissive then i have in a long long time. Unfortuantly my body decided to be bad and I ended the afternoon feeling really sick, as in vomit sick which meant that any more play today was canceled. Tomorrow night we are hoping that we will find the time to play if I am not too exhausted after a day at uni, if i am exhausted after uni then play will have to wait until next Tuesday when we again have the house to ourselves.

We use to play a lot more then we do now, it didn't matter if people were home or not we would just wait until they went to bed but they are staying up until the early hours of the morning and by then both Master and I are too tired to put anything in to a scene which is why we are waiting for those afternoons that we find outselves home alone with nobody else around. In the near future we will be moving in to a place of our own and while Master will have work and I will have study it will be much easier to find time to do scenes then it is now. Thats the thought I cling too when I start to wonder if the D/s is all gone from this relationship, that one day soon we will be in our own place, that our current cicumstance is not for ever.

Wanting/needing play (M/s)

I wanted/needed some intimate time/play time/together time with Master tonight and I am now almost 100% sure that I am not going to get it. It is late here the clock has ticked over from pm to am again, Master is upstairs playing a game on his xbox and I am downstairs doing nothing really just passing the time. I mentioned to him how I was feeling earlier tonight so its not like he doesn't know. Its not just his fault though one of our housemates is still awake which makes doing anything hard.

All night tonight I have wanted Master to play with me, wanted him to tie me up, use me and do what ever to me. Wanted to feel the level of intimacy that only ever really comes out in a scene. Unfortuantly I am tired now and know that when I am tired scenes don't tend to go so well. Its been a while since Master and I had a good scene. Most of the scenes we have done in the last two months have gone wrong in one way or another and have ended up with either Master, myself or both of us frustrated and upset.

Tomorrow afternoon the house should be empty apart from us and apart from a Doctors appointment in the morning we have no plans for tomorrow so hopefully Master will feel like using that free alone time to do something with me.

Back to normal life (M/s)

Master and I have been away for most of the last two weeks. We went on holiday to Melbourne for Christmas and while down there I met his family and he met mine. I am pleased to report that the meetings and spending time with each others families was a success. My family approves of him and I am fairly sure that his family approves of me. Our holiday had its ups and downs but overall was enjoyable I think my two favorite bits of the holiday were going to Draculas (A dinner/theatre restraunt) and Master playing with me in the hotel room. Now we are home again and slipping back in to our normal lives. Master is job hunting and I am getting ready to begin my second year at ACNM. (Australian College of Natural Medicine)

Part of getting back to our normal lives also requires us to get back to our normal 24/7 Master slave relationship that feels as though it has been on hold for months. I don't want another relationship that stops and starts and I am so afraid that this relationship is going to go down that track. Its hard right now because it is that bad time of month but I just want Master to take control to know and feel that I am his slave and that is all that matters. I don't want to have to turn around to him and tell him that I want him to play with me or that i want him to do this or that because thats topping from the bottom. So I sit here and wait hoping that sometime soon he will be ready to pick up the reigns again. I don't tell him when I update here because telling him is is reality telling him to read it and as a slave its not my place to make demands on what he does and does not do.

Willow