In bed Heaven (V)

Heaven is climbing into a bed that had brand new and freshly washed white eygyptan cotton 1000 thread count sheets on it when you yourself are just freshly showered and smell like soap.

Really these sheets are fantastic, smooth and soft yet unlike satin they breath which means they don't get too hot. Yay for after Christmas sales reducing them from $260 to $99. We got one new set and put a second on layby so I can change sheets every week without us having to use the yucky 250 thread count standard target sheets.

Hmm I'm turning into a bed snob and you know what? I don't care.

Trying out my iPhone.

A few weeks before Christmas master got us iPhones. For me an iPhone was one of those things that was on by wishlist that I thought I would never get so I was and still am so happy to have one.

I love my iPhone more and more each day, from making calls and sending sms's to checking email while I am out, planning our wedding, making to do lists, chatting to friendson man while sitting in the park, listening to meditations at night of reading ebooks and studying for exams. This one device really has changed my world and made it so easy to do everything I have to do or want to do. I can see lots of potential for it to help me be a better slave too like lists of what master needs me to do, keeping butler book and keeping track of our calenders as well as reading the gorBooks and other liteature in private.

Thank you master.

The silly season is well and truely here, christmas is a week away, the tree is up and there are presents all in pink and silver wrapping under it, the christmas day menu is finalised, guests invited. All that is left is to finish the chirstmas shopping. Thinking about chirstmas shopping got me thinking about what i want for chirstmas so here's my wish list both kinky and vanilla.

KITTEN (I've fallen in love with a rescue at the rspca and i'd love to wake up and be handed a box that i open to find a kitten with a blue or pink bow around its neck looking up at me)
Pandora bracelet
Anna Sui - Secret Wish - romance perfume
Prada travel atomiser perfume
Pink Miss A knife
Earrings

Butt plug with kitty tail attached
Pretty kitty/puppy bowl
Collar with engraved kitty tags
pink rope
bondage mittens
To be mummified and decorated with pink bondage tape
Pink satin armbinder trainer
Pink breast harness
fur flogger
slave floor pillow

Just trying to get my thoughts in order (M/s)

The little voices inside my head won't shut up. They keep screaming at me telling me that a real slave wouldn't do this, a true slave wouldn't do that and even thinking rationaly about it I kind of agree with them.

A real slave would clean the house and not allow her Master to come home to a pigsty.
A real slave would do the dishes even if she disliked doing them so that her Master didn't have too.
A real slave would make sure all the pets needs are taken care of and not ask her Master too.
A real slave would see to it that washing was done when needed and clothes were folded up and put away.
A real slave would ask to be of service each and every day.
A real slave should spend some time each and every day kneeling and serving with her attention focused solely on her Master, not serving around Tv shows or other hobbys.

Theres more thoughts then that but for now that will do I think theres no point listing it all over and over again.

I don't feel like a real or a true slave. I still sometimes think that our relationship is more vanilla then anything else because we spend so much time just being normal vanilla and doing normal vanilla. Days can go by where apart from the food rule everything in vanilla.

Things change for a short while sometimes just hours while we are 'playing' but once the scene is over things go back to 'normal' and I am tired of normal, I don't want to be normal, i am much happier when things are not vanilla, ironic that high protocol drives me insane some days but when its in place I feel the most at peace with myself and happy in myself and my status in the world.

I know that Adam can still hurt me and push me my limits, i know that he loves me and likes to make me happy and even despite that he can be strict on me but him being strict takes its toll on him and is not something he can keep up 24/7 (as much as somedays i wish he could)

A journey into pain (BDSM)

I kneel naked on the bed as you have ordered. One hundred percent bare not even a collar around my neck, I don't need the leather strip around my neck to know that I belong to you, that I am your property or the restraints to keep me where you want me, it is up to me to remain still, up to my will not to move away as you do what ever you wish to my naked flesh.

From the way you warm me up I am aware that this is going to be a longer session then usual, as you progress from one toy to the next working up the pain scale from sensual to starting to sting my mind begings to soar as I focus on the impact of the toys you are swinging at me, the beat of the music and my breathing.

You begin to paddle me and it hurts but I stay where you want me and deal with the pain, time both speeds up and slows down as I get lost in your world, there is only the beat of the music, the beat of the paddle, the beat of my breathing and the pain, time passes and suddenly it occurs to me that the pain has taken a backseat, I can still feel it but it is as if it is coming from far away, this actaully feels enjoyable, hang on a second pain is feeling good? I don't enjoy pain I just take it because I am the slave and its what you wish me to do, and with that thought the pain comes thundering back. I start to squirm, trying hard to keep still but it hurts so much I just want to get away from it.

Your voice hits me ordering me to sty still and to get back into position and i do. My breathing becomes fast and I almost panic as my brain screams that you are going near my past injury, then I realise that your hand is holding me firmly in place and at the same time blocking where the injury is so that the paddle never touches there. With that though I talk my breathing down and try to relax once again into it. Whack after whack falls and my goddess does it hurt but I have to much pride to beg you to stop so I bite my tonque and find something inside me telling me that I can deal with this. Thud, thud it keeps coming, harder and harder. Thoughts unbidden pass through my mind. 'What have I dont wrong Master? Why are you punishing me... don't you love me?... Don't you care... and tears well in my eyes but I hold them back away from you I will not cry and then wonders of wonders suddenly I realise that the pain is not there anymore and once again it is just me and the beat, it feels so good floating on the beat, i wish I could stay here all night.

Again my thoughts intrude reminding me that I don't like pain and of course with that thought the pain floods back and I can't hold the tears back anymore, i try to wiggle away and end up laying on my stomach still the paddle hits over and over again, my bottom feels like its on fire and still the pain comes over and again. I'm crying but you don't care about my tears you haven't even stopped to see if i'm okay, whack, whack, I'm crying and its still coming, thud ,thud i'm crying and... and shit I'm lyeing here just taking what you are giving me without begging it to stop, thud thud, i'm lyeing here and your ignoring my cries, whack, whack, i'm lying here crying and your not stopping and i'm not stopping you. A wall inside that I have held strong for such a long time falls down as the thought hits my mind that I'm lying here accepting what you are giving me and your not stopping even through my tears... I really am a slave and you really do own me. Suddenly the fear that you love me too much too treat me like a slave, the fear that you love me too much to really push my limits fades away and with it so does the pain. I am floating on the beat again, the thud of the paddle, the thud of the music and my breathing combine into a wonderous beat and I am enjoy it, i am floating on the beat the pain in the distance and then the pain comes back once more as you have stopped and the longest and hardest paddling you have ever given me is over.

I lay there my mind spinning as I try to figure out why it didn't hurt, why the pain keep going away and its not until later when you are talking to me about subspace and the fact that I must have hit it as least slighlty that it really hits me that yes for the first time in my life I hit real sub space and I liked it.

An update (M/s)

The last month I have been more social then I have over the past few months put together and you know what? It has been really nice to get out there and spend some time with fellow kinksters, from having fun at dracula's to parties or just a relaxed night sharing sharps skills it has been great. At last I feel I am starting to make kinky friends and no longer feel so alone in this kinky world. I enjoy spending time around people when I don't have to hide who I am, when nobody thinks anything of me kneeling down beside Master or addressing him as Sir. I've had a taste of a community and my goddess do I want more.

Don't get me wrong it hasn't all been smooth sailing. I got stuck in the middle of a shit fight about the under 35s group I started and had to deal with private flames and attitudes from some people at events that were anything but friendly but now that has all died now and I am feeling okay about the scene.

I joined Fetlife, when I first heard about Fetlife I didn't want to join up to yet another facebookisk site but I am now glad I did. Spending a little bit of time here either heading posts in the groups I am in or sending message to people I find interesting is helping me keep focused on that side of my life and not getting lost in the vanilla world like I do sometimes. Through fetlife I have had more contact with various people in my local scene and by reading their various posts and looking at some of their photos I have a feeling of knowing more who they are and what they are about which has made me more comfortable with them at partys.

The under 35s group is growing, we have a solid core base of about eight people who will attend events and that we enjoy hanging out with. We have spent a bit of time lately with some of these people and its good making some new friends. Master and I have found a potential casual play partner which we had been looking for a while for. She's young but has a good personaility and a good head on her shoulders, she is bi and switch so fits our requirements. We are looking at having our first scene with her tomorrow.

November was busy getting to know people within the scene, starting with a trip to Dracula's for Halloween followed by a party the next night then a munch for the under35s and lots of seeing people outside of schedualed events.

So thats a baisc update I guess its not time to focus a little bit on Master and I and whats going on there. We haven't played much lately as I have no been well, this is starting to depress me and causing me to lash out when Master does put his foot down and I am feeling like the worst slave in the world, wondering why he wants me and not a better slave that will serve him like a slave shoud. I don't deserve his patiance and kindness, i don't deserve a Master like he is but who am I to say what I deserve?

We have rules that we have gone over a few times and I am proving what a bad slave I am because I don't really follow them all that much, to be honest i forget them sometimes, I know they are there but they are not something that has been reenforced to the point of them being habit and I will admit sometimes I ignore them to see if Master remembers them and pulls me up on my mistake but usualy he doesn't and I get away with it. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers the rules he set down. Part of training me is suppose to be teaching me those rules but it hasn't really happened.

It seems the only rule I have not broken regularly is the one about playing with myself and thats because after the canning and bruises I wore for 10 days after it and the guilt every time i saw those bruises in the mirror something inside of me broke and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore, to be honest I can't even bring myself to climax even with permission if Master is not there with me bringing me to it himself.

For the most part I feel that we are vanilla with topping, the topping is those little rules i do follow from habit that have been enforced over and over again and are just a part of me and who I am. I do want things to be different, I do want to feel different. I'm going to go away and think about this and later today right another post on just what sort of slave i would like to become, perhaps if i do that it will help both Master and I see why i keep coming back to this issue of i'm not really a slave. I know that its not up to me to decide what kind of slave I would like to be so I hope that Master will do me a favor and write a little bit on what type of slave he wants in general, what type of life he wants to live, what he wants his slave to behave like in different situations, what tasks he wants her to preform and most importantly how he wants her to serve him on a regular basis.

Then and now

Things are different now from what they were a year ago, I guess thats to be expected though as people grow and learn new things all the time. My relationship also is different then it was a year ago and again that is to be expected.

A relationship is like a fire, it starts of hot and hungry, consuming those involved in it, it is high energy and doesn't stop to think it just burns with an intense passion and desire to explore one another and really get inside of one another. If the foundations are strong the intense heat and energy of the begining fire calms, it butns just as brightly but not as fiercly and takes longer to consume something, the heat becomes a nice warming background to your everyday world, something that is always there to fall back on when it gets cold but it doesn't consume your every waking moment, thoughts and desires. It burns strongly with just a little bit of care and sees you through the long cold hard winter.

Now I know that things change as time moves on, trees grow buds that turn to leaves and then turn golden and fall from the tree, some plants last for one season and then die while others keep going along the same cycle year after year. Our whole lives and the world we live in are cycles within cycles.

Knowing that things change and will continue to change is a comfort, it means that little things that frustrate me now, in time may grow in to something else and no longer frustrate me. It means that the little voice inside my head screaming at me that I am living a lie may change its cries and become something else. Why does it scream I am living a lie? In the begining Master and I had many conversations that went along the lines of 'if you had a slave how would you treat her? What would you expect of her? What would you do to her? and the answers from way back then do not match with the reality of now.

A year ago I would get butterflies before Master and I played, i didn't know what to expect but now I kind of do, I know that he won't push me too far or hurt me more then I can handle, I know that he loves me and cares about and that he will not release me for not being a good slave, and knowing those things changes the way I think and feel about the relationship and my status as slave. Knowing him so deeply and trusting him completly in both a positive and a negative. On one level it makes me a good slave but on the other it means that a lot of the excitment is gone which dulls the highs that i use to get. A year ago we would find the energy and make the time to play multiple times a week regardless of who was at home, I felt more like his slave then his girlfriend and partner a year ago.

Is any of this a bad thing? I don't know. Our relationship is strong and I can't wait to marry him and have a family together but will that live end up being a vanilla one? It is good that we know each other so well, it is good that we have such a strong foundations that people have not managed to knock down no matter how hard they have tried but a tiny part of me wonders if the people who say its wrong to be in love with your slave are right. A Master is love with their slave tends to be lighter on them and take more care then they did with someone who was just a toy, they tend to treat that person more as an equal then as a slave.

Perhaps the real issue here is that I need to be put into my place, need Master to be strict for a while, need to be reminded of who and what I really am beyound just thinking of myself as his fiance and partner.

Things change (M/s)

Its kind of funny how things change. Master and I had our anniversery on Sunday. We went out for dinner and on Saturday went to the movies together, Master bought me some pretty roses, a book that i wanted and some jewellery and we just had a nice vanilla time together. Vanilla because i was in too much pain for anything. Now my pain is gone but Master is sick so we can not do anything.

A year ago we took every oppurtunity we had to 'play' (Oh how i hate that word play) we would stay up until 2am in the morning and play. Now we stay up until 2am in the morning but its to watch dvds or play on the computers. Its kind of sad really. Yes we are 24/7 but i feel like the only slave like things I do are asking before I eat or sit down, which i do pretty much most of the time. I read through the last set of rules we put together and it makes me kind of sad that they are not really being followed or enforced, i think if they were I would feel a little better about things. Master plays with me every so often but his not really training me in anything and while I will get him things when he asks for the most part we are vanilla.

I was reading a thread on fetlife the other day about how people maintain the dynamic around every day life and one of the things that a girl and her Master on there does is to go to bed at a particular time every night (usualy an hour or two before they would be ready to sleep) This 'bedtime' is then time for them to play, snuggle, talk or just be together. She says that they use the time for play perhaps three times a week though sometimes every night. She goes in to the bedroom 10 minutes earlier and makes sure its tidy, she lights candles and incense to set a nice soft romantic play away from everyday space and then she kneels waiting for her Master. He comes in and lets her know what he desires and she follows his instructions. When there play or together time is over she kneels and asks permission to sleep in 'his' bed and once permission is granted he puts her to bed, tucks her in and says goodnight with a kiss then leaves her to sleep. Master tucks me in everytime which i love but I would love to have some sort of nightly ritual/together time like tha lucky girl. Perhaps I should discuss it with Master. We could go to 'bed' at 11.00pm and have two hours for some together time without any issues. Hell even if sometimes it was used to watch a DVD together on the laptop away from everyone else and in our own magical space.

One day hopefully not to far in the future I will no longer be this overweight lump of flesh. One day I will have a nice body and be able to look hot in skimpy fetish outfits instead of just looking like a sumo trying to squeeze into something smaller. I see so many people with sexy/hot profiles pics and I wish I could be one of them. Wish people commented on my photos telling me how hot I am or how cute I am but that never happens and somedays I feel like it will never happen.

I don't want to go to partys because getting dressed in fetish wear makes me acutely aware of just how big I am.

Am I not good enough? (BDSM M/s)

Master and I had a high protocol day yesterday and it felt so right. Even Master said that if we had our own place thats how things would be most of the time though I honestly don't think it would be that way most of the time. There is no reason in our current living situation that things can not be more like that so its really not an issue of having our own place or not but more an issue of will to do i think. While some parts of high protocol really annoy me for the most part I love the way it makes me feel. I feel like a real slave, i feel safe and wanted, cared for and needed in ways that I usualy don't feel. Its not like its really that much work on either of our parts I tend to be fairly good about the rules and follow them and Master only occasionaly has to pull me up so why oh why do we keep drifting back to this world that is almost vanilla a lot of the time? Sure I ask permission to sit and eat but it still can feel very vanilla. When we have a high protocol day even when we are both enjoying our own interests its still there at the back of my mind and I know what I am. I feel like on those days my spirit shines and then when the next day we go back to our usual life I sink and want more of the shiney. Its not sinking from subdrop its sinking from not feeling fufilled, not feeling like anything more then just a sub (not that I have any issues with subs)

Master played with me last night. He bound me and flogged me as well as tortuing me with the wheel, I know that he enjoyed himself i could hear it in his voice as he spoke to me but I am confussed, if he enjoyed himself as much as he said he did then why does it seem to be such as issue for him to play with me today, if he enjoys it that much why does it seem that so much of the time playing with me in anyway beyound just fucking me is a chore? Where did the life we haed a year ago vanish too, when we played happily pretty much every night, late at night after everyone was in bed, when we took any chance we had to play and be together. Why has that been replaced with vanilla activitys, watching movies, playing computer games, these are things I enjoy but to me I enjoy them as much as I enjoy other forms of play. Why is playing with me such a chore? Am I too much of a high maintance slave? Do I ask for to much or expect too much? Master does meet my needs more then anyone else in the past has met them but still I need, still I crave and theres nothing I can do about it but wait until Master wants me, until he wants to play with me or use me.

What is wrong with me that he doesn't want to do these things with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I a bad slave? Am I boring? Too demanding? Am I too messed up and he just doesn't want to say it? I need it more then once every few weeks, need it more then it just being a sometimes treat. Something only to do when the house is empty.

Why does it hurt so much that he doesn't want to play with me?

Assignment 2: Scene with what ever I want included

You arrive home to find me kneeling in the bedroom as you have ordered, I am showered and clean, my hair and makeup done to your specifications. You walk up to me and kiss me gently on the neck, you reach down below to my tender spots and run a finger over me making sure I am shaved smooth, happy with what you find you then take me and fuck me hard, making sure I know to who I belong. Once you are done with me you procede to get me dressed. You start by producing a new breast harness and buckle it on around my breasts leaving them supported but bare and looking so very sexy. Once the breast Harness is in place you bend me over and insert a butt plug and then a bullet to make sure these stay in place you produce another new piece this time a steel chaisty belt to hold the plugs in place and make sure that I can not fiddle with them at all, attached to the belt is steel thigh belts that can either be locked together or left free. Through the rings on these you attach a short chain so that I can walk easily but can not open my legs to far apart. You finish dressing me tonight is a night full of surprises and you produce a gorgeous pair of high heeled knee high boots that lock on around my ankles, so high that i struggle to walk in them, just to make life a little harder you apply angle cuffs and link them with another short chain, and wrists cuffs that are attached with a short chain to my thigh cuffs. I have enough chain that I can be comfortable sitting down but not enough to really do anything with my hands .Now I must rely on you to help me keep my balance. You place a blindfold over my eyes and a gag in my mouth then you make me kneel. As i kneel I wonder what you have planned, I don't have to wait long because soon you are helping me to stand and cliping a chain to my collar. You lead me outside and help me down the stairs and through the backyard, then you help me into a car. I hear you getting into the front and the sounds of the car starting and then we are driving. Where we are going I don't have a clue but I trust you and so I allow myself to relax and enjoy the bondage and motion of the car. We drive for what feels like hours but soon enough the car comes to a stop and you open the back door and help me out. I don't know where we are but I can smell the trees and dirt that must mean we are in the bush somewhere.

I wobble on my heels and you quickly steady me, once I have my balance you lead me on a rough trek, and then you are releasing my hands from the thigh cuffs, before I know what is happening I feel my wrists pulled upwards towards the sky until my arms are completly straight above me. Next I feel you fasten a spreader bar to my ankles and it becomes even harder to maintain my balance but I know that I must. You unwrap my skirt and then I feel you run a sharp knife ever so carefulk against my skin, you bring the knife to my face and tell me not to move as you don't want to do any damage to my pale white skin then suddenly i feel you cut my shirt from my body leaving me exposed with just the breast harness and chaisty belt on. I have no idea where we are but I think that I can hear other people moving around us. Trusting that you are going to protect me and not share me with anyone else I do my best to relax and just let the events flow. For a little while I hear and feel nothing and then from out of nowhere I feel the heat followed by the stink of a flogger, i let out a little yelp and then take a deep breath in as I have been taught. Again their is the crack and the pain of the flogger hitting my skin and again I breath through it. The thuds begin coming faster and cover my back, you change floggers a few times each feeling different from the previous one until you have me warmed up enough to use the worst of floggers. My back feels like it is on fire and as you flog its feels like my skin is being ripped apart, I know that this is not so but knowing and feeling are two different things. Just as I feel that I am going to collapse the thuds stops and you lower my wrists back down attaching them once again to my waist. I take a deep breath and begin to relax but just as I do so you grap my hair and in a hard and rough voice tell me that its not over yet.

Suddenly I feel you push me from behind and I struggle to keep my balance but can not I fall forward and just as I am about to panic someone catches me they don't hold me for long before pushing me back towards you and on these heels I am helpless and all I can do is fall towards I am pushed. The pushing continues backwards and forwards for a while leaving me completly off balance and frightened still of being dropped then I find myself being caught from behind again, somewhere my mind knows that it was you behind me but thats a distant though. You catch me and lower me to the ground where I lay still catching my breath and waiting having no idea what to expect now. You detach my wrists once again from the thigh cuffs and I feel myself being stretched spread eagle laying on the bare earth, then the chains form my ankles are detached and my legs are spread as well. Blind surrounded by the smell of the bush I lay there spread out feeling vunerable but in my belt protected as I know nobody else could use me. I hear you having a conversation with someone and the hiss as cans of drink are opened. Time passes and i begin to struggle at my bonds, I hear you laugh and point out my struggles to your friend, then I hear you get up and approach me once again, hearing you come back my struggles subside but then out of nowhere i feel the thud as a flogger hits my breasts, you flog my breasts for a while and then I feel the sharp sting of the cane on them. I begin to cry and beg you to stop punishing my breasts and then all of a sudden i feel you hand at my throat pinning me even tighter to the ground and a voice whisper in my ear that if i put on a good show I will be rewarded. Louder you tell me that I am yours and you will do what you want to me and let whoever you want watch and that I have no rights to stop anything that is going on. Perhaps feeling a little mercy for me at this point you place a straw in to my mouth and allow me to have a drink wetting my tonque and taking my thirst away. You make me drink until there is nothing more to drink and I know that I have consumes a lot of water.

You begin to flog my breasts again and then all of a sudden you stop and i feel you unlocking my belt, afraid now but trying my best to trust you I don't make a sound as you remove the belt and thigh cuffs. You then proceede to flog my pussy and until I can no longer take anymore and begin begging you to stop. Unhappy with my cries you stop and shove a gag in my mouth but this is like no other gag i have ever used it is some sort of funnel and forces me to drink what ever is pored in to it if i want to keep breathing, you pour som foul tasting liquid into the funnel and then continue to flog me. When my front can take no more you untie me wrists and legs getting your friend to help hold me down so that i can not kick out or move i am flipped over and again spread out. My back still sore from its earlier flogging recieves more of a punishment followed by my ass until i know that my ass is red and bleeding. As this goes on from time to time more liquid is pored into the funnel and i keep swallowing but now my bladder is full and i know that soon i will have to go the bathroom. The flogging stops again and again I am left alone with my full bladder and the heat from the flogging. I hear you and your friend talking again and more drinks opened. I decide to use this moment to take a deep breath and relax as much as I am able as I have no idea what will come next. All too soon this peaceful moment is taken away as I feel you place a foot on my lower back right where my bladder is, you gentle push and the pressure is so great that as much as i fight the urge i can not help myself and am forced to wet myself. You notice and laugh, calling me a dirty slut and pointing out my lack of control to your friend. Humilated, sore and wet i stay quiet and waiting. You untie me replace the thigh cuffs again attaching my wrists to them, then suddenly I feel the cold spray of the hose and hear you comment on how you must clean your dirty slave before you can do anything else. Dripping wet and cold you then make me wobble on my heels back up the track from earlier, still blind and feeling small and humble i follow as you pull on my lead. We arrive somewhere and you replace my belt but before you do so you fuck me hard and then place a plug in my ass. Once the belt is replaced you release my hands and guide me down to my knees and forward until under my hands i feel a soft blanket and some sort of padding, then I hear the clack of metal and realise that I have been placed in a cage. You reach in through the bars and gentle pat me on the head for a moment telling me what a good slave I am and that I should remember that everything you are doing you are doing to make me a better slave. All to soon the comfort of your soothing voice and soft touch are gone, your voice switches to a hard tone as you tell me its time to sleep and then I hear you walking away. At first I am afraid, I feel around and work out that the cage is big enough to lay down in but not big enough to stand up only kneel. The bottom is padded and after feeling around for a moment I find a soft pillow, and what feels like my bunny and a bottle of water. At first i hope this is just a game and that you will come back but as time passes I realise that this is real, i cry a little bit and feel very small and alone but soon enough exhaustion hits me and I fall asleep curled into a little ball in the corner of the cage.

Assignment 1: Scene using easily aquired equipment (BDSM)

I kneel waiting for Master to decide what he wishes to do with me this evening, as I kneel I feel the familar butterflies that occur when ever I have no idea what to expect, with Master these butterflies happen before any play session or when ever he won't tell me what we are doing on the weekend as I know from experience how often he can completly surprise me with something that I didn't expect. Not that I mind being surprised it helps keep spice in my world and means things are never boring but anyway I am getting sidetracked.

I kneel, as ordered I have showered, been shaved by Master and are clean and bare for Masters pleasure. My hair has been left loose but I have straightened it with the hairdryer as Master likes and have applied a little make up trying to make myself look nice and alive for Master rather then pale and sick. It is up to Master to decide what he wishes to dress me in but I have laid out some suggetions on the neatly made bed. I guess I have never really been that good at leaving things to chance when it comes to my appearance, topping from the bottom maybe but hey I freely admit that I have better dress sense then Master does when it comes to womans clothes.

Master walks into the room and hands me my naughty pants, the ones with the buzzy that inserts into my tender cunt. He orders me to put this one while he decides what else I can wear. once on I wait again kneeling. Master produces a sharpie and writes on my body all the dirty things that I am before he hands me a skirt and top and orders me to get dresses. While getting dressed I feel the buzz of the toy as Master controls it from the remote in his pocket. I jump having not expected it and am grateful when he switches it off.

Once dressed Master takes me for a walk down the street, we act like any normal couple looking in the shops and stopping for a drink but I am aware of the little invader inside me and wonder if anyone else knows, if anyone else can hear it when Master switches it on and what they must think of me if they can. I feel hot and bothered but I try not to show this. Master knows that this is enough to get me very turned on but without physical stimulation of my clit I can not cum. I must endure in silence and never give away how dirty I am under my clothes.

Eventaully after what feels like forever we return home and on walking in the door Master strips me, before I have had time to gather my thoughts Master slips a blindfold over my eyes so i can not see as he prepares everything else he wishes to use for the evening. A few moments pass and he produces a pair of earplugs ordering me to insert them which I do. They don't block out sound altogether but they do make it harder to hear anything. Master produces a ring gag and inserts it into my mouth before he slips the blindfold off and replaces it with the spandex hood followed by the leather sensory deprivation hood. Now hearing is even harder and its easier to just tune the world out then strain to hear. I am helpless the gag in my mouth prevents any speech, I can barely hear and the hood blocks out the world complelty so I have no idea what is coming next.

I feel Master pull me so that I am on my knees and push me so that my chest is tilted downwards, raising my ass for easy access. The naughty pants are still on from earlier but this does not bother him, he moves the strap at the back for easy access to my ass and before I know it I feel a gloved finger inserted in my hole, opening me up gently and slowely to prevent any tearing, this is replaced by two fingers and then when I am nice and stretched lubricated and ready this is replaced by the unforgiving hardness of a glass or silicon butt plug. The strap on the back of the naughty pants helps hold it all in. Again I feel Master pulling me where he wants me, this time its standing, he leads me a step or two away from the bed, why I don't know but it becomes clear a moment later when i feel him beging to wrap gladwrap around my naked body from shoulders down to midthigh. He starts at the top and when that is all tight and secure preventing any movement he stops for a moment and gentle using the safety sissors cuts my breasts out for easy access. He then leads me to the bed and helps me to lay down on it, proping my legs up against the wall so that he can easily finish wrapping me. Once done he moves me so that I am laying on the bed, completly immobile and in major sensory deprivation I am acutely aware of any touch to my exposed breasts or the buzz on the invader in my cunt.

He begins softly stroking my breasts with different implements alternating pleasure and pain and then he applies some sort of clamp to my nipples. It is a long while before I feel his touch again it could have been minutes or hours I have no idea. He uses the safety sissors to cut free my legs and cuts until he can get the panties off. He pulls the invader out of my cunt only to relace it by his own member as he fucks his toy. Still bound from the waist up I can do very little but allow him to do what he wishes. Once finshed fucking me he pulls me up from the bed and guides me elsewhere in the house, He pushes me down and i am kneeling on the carpet. Still hooded i kneel waiting. After a while he cuts through the rest of the wrap and then pullls the hoods of and takes the gag and earplugs out. The hood is replaced with the latex blindfold and before i know it he has placed me in the bath full of water to 'cool down' after the heat of the wrap. He quickly hogties me in the bath and i must rely on him to keep my head above water. Every so often he dunks me and holds me under before pulling me up for air. He speaks to me telling me how I don't have control of anything and how i must trust him. Eventually he lets the water out of the bath unties me and helps me dry off before having my lay at his feet in the loungeroom to watch a movie together. Every so often he reaches down and strokes me or feed me popcorn or other treats from his hands and I know that I am loved and cared for and very much the property of my Master.

mmmmmmmmmm fantasy world

It took all of a few minutes of me looking at whippedass.com to get hot and bothered and wanting some fun with Master. Wanting to feel him fuck me - We have had sex this week but it has been romantic and passionate sex not the type you get when a Master fucks and uses his slave and while the romance is nice and sometimes what I am craving more then anything else right now I was the other way around. I want kinky play and dirty sex.

I am craving the helplessness of sensory deprivation, The hood blocking out all light turning me into an object, earplugs or headphones controlled what I can hear only the smell of the leather. I desire the touch of rope against my soft pale skin, a bite of pain as my nipples are played with and clamps or chopsticks applied, the warmth of his hands stroking my body, touching me all over, leaving me open and vunerable to his whims as he teases me and pushes me closer and closer to orgasim only to hold it off for what seems like forever. Suddenly there is silence as the music stops for some reason only to be replaced by the sound of latex gloves snapping before the music that he has chosen again blocks out my knowdledge of what is happening around me. Nervous, expecting something but trying not to expect anything i jump when i feel the paddle hit my behind and warm it, its not what i was expecting but I try to relax and just flow with it, try to enjoy the pain. The pain stops and then all of a sudden when i had forgotten all about the gloves I feel cold, wetness and a little pain as one gloved finger pushes its way into my long neglected asshole. I know that if i tense up it will hurt more but its so hard to relax. The finger slowely slides in and out lubricating me and slowely stretching me, just as i am relaxing and think this isn't so bad i feel another finger enter and both of them slide gently up and down stretching me, filling me, making me nothing more then Master's toy, the two fingers slowely spread apart pushing my delciate ass to accept even more torture and then before i know it the warm softness of the fingers are gone and replaced with the hard unforgiving plastic of a plug. I feel Master loop some rope around my waist and then run it between my legs to tie at the front, pulling the plug in tight holding it there so that i have no chance of removing it. It stays there as Master proceddes to admisitor more pain, it stays in for what feels like forever and then Master is undoing the rope, not being able to help myself i push the plug out only to have it put back by Master. He repositions my body in a position where he can fuck me easily and hard, making sure i feel every deep thrust as well as making sure the plug stays in so that I am full like a slave should be. Once he has finsihed with me I lie there waiting, not knowing what to expect until all of a sudden I feel him playing with me, pushing my button, i hold off as long as I can as he has not given me permission to cum but he keeps pushing and teasing me until all the teasing of the night builds to a point where i can not hold it in and i explode into a violent orgasim. Exhausted i collapse back on the bed only to find Master is once again there fucking me, using his slave for his pleaure regardless of how she feels. By the time he has finshed with me, untied me and taken the hood off i am drifting into a happy content sleep. The last thing I hear is him telling me that tomorrow will be a high protocol day and that I am not to get out of bed until he has told me I can get up. He then slips a light spandex hood over my head as i fall into a deep sleep.

Its been a long time since my ass was played with and the idea of it scares me but its something that I want to experiance again, to sacrifice that fear so that my whole body belongs to my Master.

Humilating fantasys (BDSM)

I have some fantasy's, ones that I have never really mentioned before and that the thought of being made to do them terrifies me yet at the same time one day as much as it scares me and I would be humilated I kind of hope that one day it will happen, that one day I will be forced into one of these situations regardless of what I think or feel about them because I am the slave and they would reenforce this.

One of those fantasys involves diapers, not the sort you get from the supermarket but the sort used in nursing homes for those who really have an issue, the ones that can hold up to two or three liters of liquid before they leak. I have been put in diapers a few times in a past relationship and found that even when just at home they were humilating, however what would make it worse would be to be locked in to diapers when other people are around too and have no choice but to use them, whether i am bound until they are full or forced to just carry on a normal day or serve Master and any of his guests and then once they are full, Master not removing them until he has made me beg for their removal. As an extension of this fantasy I wonder what it would be like to be locked into a diaper and then taken out somewhere, either out to dinner, a bar for drinks or the movies. Somewhere that he makes me drink a lot of liquid and then will not leave until I have been forced to wet in the diaper and then to make it worse and even more embarressing, having to walk home with wet diapers and the sound that they make the whole way home wondering if anyone has noticed and then again having to beg Master for their removal and hope that he says yes and allows them to come off or having him point out how much I am under his control that even toilet habits can be controlled by him or verbally humilated about how dirty it is or whatever.

I don't find this fantasy erotic in the least, me wanting Master to diaper me is about wanting to feel his complete control and the hopelessness and helplessness that goes along with it and i know that diapers is something that makes me feel that way. I feel helpless in diapers and humilated and this puts me even more into my slave mindset pointing out to me just how much of Master's slave I really am and how I wil do anything he asks of me even if I don't like it or want to do it.

Another fantasy similar to being taken out in diapers is Master getting home one night, spanking me or canning me or whatever enough for it to hurt when i sit down and leave bruises for days afterwards and then showing very little care for what ever I am feeling he fucks me hard, so hard that it almost hurts. Once he has finshed with me he decides that we are going out for dinner and chooses what I am to wear. A sexy dress, makeup, do my hair and just before we leave he forces me to put on one of those harnesses that forces a dildo into a girls cunt and a butt plug in her ass. He lockes this harness/belt on to me with a padlock so that I have no chance of removing these invaders and then he takes me out for a nice dinner, setting down the rules on the way out he tells me that he will order for me, that i must keep his water glass full as all times and that all formal high protocol rules are in place which means I must wait for his permission to sit, eat, talk or do anything. Perhaps we are out to dinner with someone else and instead of ordering me dinner he forces me to sit there, pretty just an object to look at next to him while he converses with his friend and eats his meal, feeding me some of his food every so often. As for the things inside of me they are the sort that are remote controlled and every so often he turns them on, while I do my best to not react at all because he has warned me that if i show obvious signs of reacting to the buzz I will be punished when we get home.

Sometimes I think my mind is a very dark and twisted place.

Collars M/s

Master is unaware of the fact that for the past few weeks I have been almost lusting after a collar and yes i mean the physical collar not the permanent emotional collar aspect. It has been a long time since I last wore Master's collar, since I last felt the leather enclose my neck and the constant reminder that I am his. I have my bracelet but its really not the same as I am so use to it I barely notice it anymore (though feel naked when its not there) something around my neck is not something that I have ever gotten use too, it reminds my all the time of what and who I am and of my Master's love and need for me.

The aniversery of the day I became his slave is coming up very soon and part of me really hopes that he will give me a permanet locked silver everyday collar from chaos creations that we have been looking at for some time, another part of me doesn't beleive that i will ever get a collar like that and that part of me makes me a sad slave. I know that people say its just a physical object and that may be so but it would be so nice to feel one around my neck and even to have people comment on how pretty it is.

If I had my way right now we would be buying a sleep collar and/or a permanent day collar as well as a varity of dress collars to go with different outfits.

High protocol and other rules (M/s)

Over a month ago now Master set me a task to come up with a list of suggestions to be put on a formal rules list. This formal rules list is not the rules for day in day out live rather its the list of rules that Master will become active when ever Master decided that we are moving to high protocol for a period of time.

So here's my list of rules suggestions that Master may or may not decide to use.

* All normal slave rules apply in addition

* The slave must not meet her Master's eyes unless she is directed to do so.

* The slave must not touch the Master unless directed to do so.

*The slave must ask permission to use the bathroom

* The slave must ask permission to speak, if no response is recieved after the inital time she asks she may ask once more but if no response is recieved to this query then she must remain silent. If she does not remain silent the Master has the right to force her to silence by use of a gag or any other means that he deems apprpriate.

* The slave may not use any furniture without permission, if the Master is out of the house she must use the floor unless she has recieved prior permission to use furniture.

*The slave cannot automatically expect to sleep in the bed with her Owner, but must beg for this privilege. If she does not beg permission to his Owner’s satisfaction, she sleeps on the floor or other place of Master's choosing.

* The slave will eat only when fed, and may drink only water unless she asks special permission.

*The slave will serve her Master at the table, when she has seen that all of his needs are meet she will kneel on the floor to his right side and await his instructons. Slave will prepare food for herself and serve it to her Masters instructons which may range from him feeding her off his plate, too inviting her to eat with him at the table or having eat on the floor with only her hands as utenisals or eating kitty style out of a pet bowl, he may allow her to eat while he eats or choose to have her eat once he is done and set a limit on the amount of time she has to eat.

* The slave will always address her Owner in a respectful manner, by a title or in a manner that clearly displays her submission.

* The slave must spend a minimum of an hour a day in some form of bondage or restraint, which could include ankle or wrist cuffs with a chain, a buttplug, a chastity device or any other form of restraint.

* She must specifically ask for his bondage time if the rule for the day is “high protocol”.

* The slave will sleep in some form of bondage, whether on the floor or on the bed. This may range from only a collar, cuffs or being secured with chain or rope or anyother form of bedtime bondage that Master decides is appropriate. Again she is required to ask to be bound to sleep.

Some of these rules have been taken from a list of high procol rules I found on a forum while others are mine. While on that forum from the same lady who posted her high protocol rules I found some other rules that I quite liked and that I want to post here so that Master and I may discuss them, we have discussed them once in the past and he wanted to come back to them and take what would work for us out of them so once again dear Master here they are.

I need rules as they give me structure and keep me focused on the fact that I am Master's slave and property. I like the rules below as they put as much of the effort to uphold the 24/7 lifestlye on me as they do on Master and don't just assume that it is all on Master's sholders to give me orders and micro manage my day. Of course they would need to be rewritten so as to come from a male Master, female slave point of view.

A Slave's Body
A slave must be ready for her Owner’s use and discipline at any time. A slave’s cunt and her ass belong completely to his Owner, along with the rest of her body, and they must be maintained properly.

The slave’s pubic area will be kept smoothly shaved. During every shower or bath, the slave will clean himself in these areas carefully, keeping in mind that she is doing so to be ready for his Owner’s pleasure. She will also meditate on how lucky she is to be owned and how lucky she is that her Master wishes to use her holes for his pleasure.

The slave is never permitted to touch herself for her own pleasure without her Owner’s permission. A slave’s orgasm is a great privilege, and she should be aware that she is very, very lucky that her Master happens to enjoy causing them.The slave may be kept in chastity for extended periods, locked up and not permitted any orgasm.

Pleasure and Privileges
A slave’s comfort and pleasure are privileges, not rights. With the understanding that it is healthy and normal for a slave to be allowed to pursue her interests as well as attend to his normal adult responsibilities and relationships (family, job, friends, etc), she is not automatically entitled to do so any time she feels like it. She does have standing orders to take care of her own adult responsibilities and relationships. The Owner will do his best not to place his personal desires or whims above his property’s actual responsibilities, and will encourage his property to learn and grow as a healthy person by pursuing her own interests and hobbies. However, the time to pursue these interests does not belong to the slave by right, but to the Owner. Leisure time activities are a privilege, not a right. She is property, and property can have privileges taken away at any time.

If the slave has not attended to her duties and chores, but feels the real need to relax with some leisure time for mental health before getting to work, she must specifically ask for this privilege to be granted. Since there is mutual trust and caring between Owner and slave, it most likely will be.

She can also negotiate a “time out” period from the more intense D/s dynamics. “Time out” is healthy for both dominants and submissives and is always okay for either person to ask for. However it will be the exception rather than the rule.

While enjoying leisure activities, the slave should remember to be grateful for this privilege and to demonstrate his submission and gratitude.Time taken to enjoy leisure activities does not necessarily mean time outside of submission. A slave may be naked and collared, or in some other form of bondage, while watching television or surfing the Net, unless she is in a mental health “time out” period of relaxing away from the D/s relationship.

All pleasures, without exception, are granted by the Owner and not something the slave is entitled to. For instance, while a slave has to eat and drink, bread and water is perfectly healthy.

The slave will periodically spend time with little or no pleasure and privilege, which will make her more fully appreciate the pleasures and privileges she does normally have rather than simply taking it for granted that his Owner likes to make him happy.

Accepting Responsibility
It is a slave’s responsibility to ask for her training sessions and to work hard to obey the training rules. She should not always need to be told or reminded. At least once a day, she will kneel and ask to serve. This service will be anything her Owner desires from serving him food and drink or preforming housework to kneeling where he can see her and be proud of his property and everything in between. These service periods will range in length of time depending on her Owners whims but the slave must be prepared to be in serving mode for a minium of an hour.

When she is in the house for an extended period of time and nobody else is around, she will remove her clothes, kneel and ask to be collared. The alternative to doing these things every day is to ask for a “time out” for the day.

It is okay to negotiate a time out for mental health, but it is not okay to simply fail to obey the slave rules. Failing to obey when a time-out has not been negotiated is grounds for real punishment.

The slave will approach her Owner and kneel at least once a day, whether to ask to be collared or to ask if she can be of service. She will ask in an attractive way, doing her best to be pleasing. The only exception to this rule is if she asks for a “time out” instead. In general, when it is practical and possible, the slave will not wear clothes in the house and will wear his collar.


Calling Time Out
Time out periods are appropriate to ask for when life circumstances, responsibility to job or family, mental or physical health dictates. Time out periods are not appropriate to ask for in order to pursue leisure activities to excess or to escape punishment. The slave must allow conscience and honor to be his guide. The “time out” is good for one day only and needs to be re-negotiated every day. It is perfectly okay to continue negotiating time-out away from the rules and into a more relaxed vanilla dynamic for several days in a row if circumstances and mental health dictates.
During a “time out”, the slave is still expected to remember that she is property and must treat her Owner with respect. Her ultimate goal is the same as his, which is to be a genuinely good slave in a healthy and functional long term D/s relationship that makes both partners happy.

What "Property" Means
A slave has no limits and no right to say no to his Owner, not if she really
is owned property. A slave trusts her Owner absolutely to have her best interests in mind. A slave may always ask or beg, but she has no automatic rights, except the right to leave the relationship or to ask for a major re-negotiation if she feels that it is truly abusive or unhealthy for him.

A slave may always ask or beg if he feels that he needs or wants something, or if something scares him. Most likely the petition will be granted, as her Owner very much enjoys making his slave happy, and is ethically committed to keeping her healthy.

The concept of safeword is replaced by the concept of begging for mercy, which does not have to be granted. The slave trusts her Owner not to cause her true harm. A slave has no right to say “You must stop now,” but instead has to beg. In practice, the Owner has no interest in doing things to the slave that are much beyond her emotional, physical or erotically enjoyable limits. In theory, the right to do them anyway is very important to the reality of the Owner/owned relationship.

What I want atm. (M/s)

Master and I have time planned to scene tonight and I am really looking forward to it, my brain of course is running through all the evil things that he could do me and I find myself getting excited and a little nervous but trying to hold it back because if it doesn't happen I don't want to be dissapointed.

Time changes things and between now, having dinner and starting play what I want may change and right now I am being a bad slave and not thinking about what Master may want but hey my blog my right... right? I could list so many scene ideas that excite me but you know what i'm not going to, I am going to focus more of the emotional side of needs not the actaul practical tie me up, flog me, have sex with me type needs.

I want not just a scene but hours of 'play' that will allow me to bring out my inner slave and embrace her in a way I have not for some time.

I wish that I had done up that list of formal rules that Master asked me for weeks ago because if we had those all agreed upon I would want the formal rules activated the moment we have the house to ourselves. While part of me may hate them and resist them they are what makes me feel more of a slave.

I want to be given a chance or two to resist Master so that he has to put me in my place, so that I can feel both the physical and emotional control exerted over me and feel that connection that comes out of knowing that he can do what ever he wants to me and order me to do what ever he wishes.

I want to feel controlled, used, in my place but loved and secure in my trust for Master at the same time.

I want time to play or scene, to have something new happen rather then just the safe things that we have been doing for a while now. I want a scene where I don't know what to expect next, where I am kept on my toes and pushed to the limit but not over it.

I want a night (or a weekend) where I can just let go at last and be me, not the student that has to get good grades, not the daughter that is always there to lend a helping hand and advice, not the sister who worries about the choices her brother is making or the friend who is always there to listen to the latest rants of the day and give advice and support. I don't even want to be the girlfriend right now I just want the simplicity of being nothing more then a slave to the man that I love, serve and call Master.

Ra'anna

Where did it all start? (BDSM)

When you first met people within the lifestyle often a question that comes up early on is how did you get interested in bdsm, what drew you to it or where did you start? Having asked someone that very question at the party on the weekend it got me thinking about my own start.

Pinpointing exactly where it started is not an easy thing. Did it start way back in primary school when I loved playing games where I was always the slave or servant of the king and queen? I remember games that were almost mini plays almost always taking the kind of flow. I would be the servant girl caught stealing from the King and then as punishment made his slave. Sometimes there would be tying up involved and we would use what ever was at hand, usualy a bandage stolen out of the first aid kit or the tie of a dressing gown.

As I grew up and fantasy games faded they were replaced with a new game. It was a version of hide and seek that I played with my cousin. He would tie me up with whatever we had at hand and then go and hide, he would have as long to hide as it would take me to get out of what ever bondage he had come up with and then I would go find him, chase him, take him back to 'home' and tie him up then go and hide myself. The game would just repeat until we had enough.

It became a waterfight game with my friends on the estate I lived in. We would divide in to two teams, chase the other team down and take them prisoner and 'punish' them by soaking them with water and tieing them to the fence, the game was over when one team had captured everyone else of the opposing team.

All of these games were always my idea and everyone just went along with me.

At night on my own when i couldn't sleep I would play my own game, pretending to have been a slave tied up and tortued until I fell asleep. I have to admit now so many years on sometimes I still play that game when I can't sleep.

When did it all grow up and become adult games? I was 16 and dating someone 8 years older then me. He was so kind in the begining but very quickly something changed and against my will I found myself his slave. This time the slavery was real. I followed his rules, did what he said when he said or i was punished. Life was hell but I didn't know how to get out of it, he told me that this was how it was, this was how a slave should be and I beleived him. He had training in psych and used a lot of condioning techniques on me, slowely killing off my personal free will and i couldn't leave. I was lucky though eventaully I woke up and realised how wrong it was thank to the love and support of some friends. He had to let me go on holiday as people would start asking questions and while I was on that holiday I broke down and the whole story came out. Those friends introduced me to a friend of theres who was livng a 24/7 Master/slave life and I saw how it should be. I had to go back to Melbourne for year 12 exams and he discovered that i planned on leaving him, he tied me to his bed for a week, that week is a blur but his sister found me and helped me escape. Somehow I managed to sit my exams and even managed to pass year 12 (though with low marks) but as soon as they were done my friends drove down from Sydney one day while 'Master' was at work packed me and all my stuff up and drove me back to Sydney with them. Moving interstate was the only way I could get away from him.

After that bad experience I met a switch who I was in a relationship with for two years, he slowely taught me how good things could me and even let me play the other side though I never really enjoyed the Dom side. Slowly I gained trust and met people within the scene. Learnt that it could be about love. I tried to have a vanilla relationship after that one but it didn't work I ended up converting the guy to the scene and he too became a switch. Then I was a slave again to someone else who taught me even more until I am where I am now. Having found the Master that fits my needs like a glove, who I love and admire and can't wait to marry.

Master I love you and am so glad I found you.

I know my start was not all roses, it was violent and wrong and against my will but it is one of the things that lead me to who I am now and I quite like the person that I am now. I do often wonder if I would have turned out the way i am without that introduction but there is no point thinking about the what if's. If someone gave me the choice to change my life, to not want to be in this lifestyle right now I would not take it, I love what I am and the experiences that I gain being a 24/7 slave

New beginings M/s

Where to start? That is the question. I sit here with my laptop balancing on my knees while I am curled up on the couch. I know that I have to type something in here, know that its important that I get the events of the past few days down in this blog if I want it to be a true account of my journey as a slave but really I don't know where to start. People tell me to start at the begining but I am not quite sure where the begining is.

I guess I will start with what lead up to Saturday and then I will discuss the weekend. Over the past few weeks Master and I have had to adjust to some changes in our lives from him starting a new job to me going back to uni with three nights a week on campus. There have also been other little things such as illness and old inurys flaring up and on my part dissapointment builiding up from all the times we were suppose to play and didn't until Saturday when something cracked in me.

Something cracked in me and I found myself telling Master that I didn't want to be his slave anymore that I would just be his girlfriend. He was ordering me to get up off the couch and for some reason I could just not bring myself to move, I wanted too obey him, I wanted to move but I was frozen and just could not do it. I can't really descripe it other then saying it was like there was a big glass wall in front of me preventing me from getting to what I really wanted. In frustration I think Master decided to go for a walk and left me with a choice. If I still wanted to be his slave I would be kneeling in the bedroom when he got back and if I didn't then we would forget about that part of our life and continue on just as boyfriend/girlfriend going to get married. Perhaps it was a big gamble on Master's part or perhaps he really does know me that well that he knew what my response would be because as soon as he left the room it was like that glass wall and shattered and I found myself able to move again.

Almost as soon as he left I went into the bedroom and knelt on the floor next to the bed. In that position I felt so vunerable at that moment, terrified and like I was right on the edge of a cliff. If i fell one way that would be the end of the relationship if i fell the other way we would be okay. All I could think was that I wanted to be his slave, I didn't want a vanilla relationship I wanted the relationship I had been having and so I was kneeling there and as I knelt I shed some tears. When Master got back he asked me if I wanted to be his slave, if I would accept living by his rules and really wanted to give myself to him and my response was a very quiet yes. It was so hard to make the words come out almost as though the power of speech had fled from me but it was a yes and thats all that really matters.

The events that followed straight after that are not so important (well they are but people don't want to read about Master using me) what is important is the conversation that we had while Master was in the shower and made me kneel on the bathmat. He questioned me on my expectations of him and being a slave, on what I wanted from the relationship and then he told me what he expected, from this conversation flowed a new understanding between us of our roles and positions in our relationship one in which there is no confussion at all of what is expected. He pulled me in to0 the shower with him and did what he wanted to me before sending me to get dry and then we headed in to the bedroom.

I have to say a lot of the rest of Saturday night is a blur, I am fairly sure that he fucked me but what I do remember clearly is being punsihed for earlier events in the evening and losing count of the strokes of the cane so that I received a fair bit more then I he had set as the punishment. After that we were laying on the bed when he started playing with my girly bits and i pushed him away and broke down admiting to him that I had broken one of his rules. At which point carmly he got up, picked up the cane and ordered me to lay on my belly while he canned me. I did as he said and did my best to be as still as I could be and as he canned me I cried. Once he had finished he questioned me and it came out that it had not happened just once that it had happened multiple times over an extended period of weeks and so he gave me another rounds with the cane until I really could not take any more and he had to coach me to get my breathing under control.

Never before have I felt the way after being punished that I did then. For the first time I really did feel punished and regreted disobeying him. The bruises left from the cane made it worse as everytime i moved I remembered how they got there and that they had got there from being punished not from playing. Usualy I would be proud of bruises but not these ones, these ones I didn't want to say a word about to anyone I felt and still do feel so ashamed of them that I guess it is eating me up a little inside. I know that Master has forgiven me and thats all that matters but to me its one lesson that will not be forgotten anytime soon. The rest of the weekend continued with me feeling fairly low and being terrified that after how draining I had been Saturday to him that Master would decide to leave me or rather send me away and not want me anymore. That is still a fear that is somewhat on my mind now but no where near as bad as it was yesterday.

We haven't played or done any of the good stuff (besides sex) since Saturday and as I admited to Master last night I am questioning why I want this and if I really do want this. At the moment it seems that all I can see is the sacrifice and the painful side of things and seeing only this makes me wonder if I am really a slave, because a slave is happy to serve without reward, infact shouldn't serving for someone who is really a slave be a reward in itself? If I am looking at it thinking theres the bad but where is the good and what do I get out of this then what does that say about me as a slave? Master asked me the other day if I am only doing this, if I only want to be his slave because I am afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of being alone but what if somewhere deep down inside that is what makes me want to be a slave? I guess right now I am just confussed and scared. It really does feel like I am at the begining of a new Master/slave relationship and anyone who has been there before knows just how scary it can feel.

Nerves

I'm Nervous.

Master recieved his cutting kit from our friend Max today after a few months of waiting to get the money together for it and tonight I know that he plans on using it on me. This idea while exciting me is one that still terrifys me even more so now as I am afraid that he will be angry if I don't like it this time around when he has just spent a lot of money on the needed tools to add it to our play.

Cutting.

This raises so many feelings inside of me and for the first time in a very long time I am really nervous about playing with Master tonight. I have not felt this way since the first time I allowed Master to tie me up with rope and use me as he wanted back at the house in Gallipoli Rd. That was a long time ago now and I have to admit its kind of nice to feel these nerves about playing again, it makes it exciting and new all over. Apart from cutting I have no idea what else or even if Master has anything else planned for tonight. My brain is running with a thousand ideas of scenea he could do and things he could do me right now that I think I am starting to turn in to jelly. He hasn't told me too but I think that right now I need to go in to the bedroom and kneel in the position he likes me to kneel and just wait for him and focus on my breathing, bringing my energy level down a notch so that I feel calm and can better serve him.

I will try and explore the feelings this topic raises in me in more depth later.

Ra'anna

Cages (BDSM)

Before I say anything else on this topic I am going to make a point to say that I have never been caged. I have no idea what it would be like in reality and the idea is something that both terrifys me and excites me.

I often wonder if I could do cages and if so how long could i do them for before enough was enough and I was begging for release? I guess it would depend on the type of cage in dog cage i could more then likely to an hour or so before i really had to streatch however if the cage was long enough that I could lay down in but only high enough that I had to stay on my knees in it I think that I could do that for long periods of time. A post on the collarcht forums on this subject just made me think about it some more so I am going to cut and paste some of that post.

The Meaning Behind Cage Time

Cage time is a very powerful thing for both of us. For me the cage represents your proof of surrender through your sacrifice of freedom. You become my real captive in a real steel prison. You are not just a prisoner in some dull old cell but you are my slave in a “pretty red cage”. It is tangible proof that you surrender to me. I may not legally be able own you but this is as close as it gets to ownership because you are mine to keep… you can’t leave. While caged you are fully at my mercy and I am totally responsible for your health and survival. Not only am I your captor, I am also your caretaker. I believe it is this caretaker role that limits the appeal of caging for some Dom/mes. I see the stupid comments in other’s threads implying that keeping someone captive and feeding them after you’ve just rendered them helpless makes you their nurse maid and their servant. What a crock of shit. If you have ever been responsible for someone else, it takes time, effort and money. It is a hell of lot cheaper and easier to keep some nekked in a cage than to pay for her, her cars, her food, her clothes, her health care, her education, her entertainment and etc. I wanted to post an answer in that thread that asked “how much does it cost to keep a slave”… the answer, “as much as $485,000.00 annually” LOL If you like M/s, not D/s, not Topping, but Master/slave where "ownership" (not just authority) is the driving force, then caging is one of the better ways to get as close to owning someone you can get. It is an awesome and powerful feeling because the reality of it is that you are truly responsible for the person in the cage. I understand that even with bedpans and food trays, imprisoning someone requires a lot of effort from the captor. I’ve never had delusions that a relationship wasn’t a two way street. Both parties must be responsible to the relationship to affect an exchange. If you put yourself into my care and give me your freedom, I will gladly feed you and see that you’re well cared for while you are helpless in my captivity.

To do less would be abuse in my opinion. That is why you get this night light & Teddy bears, nice snacks, a phone, a reading light and other forms of entertainment. That is why cage time include more personal freedoms like eating w/o permission, unfettered phone use and other entertainments like DVDs, books and the Internet. The cage is a symbol of our bond, our connection, our love and your trust. You bet your ass I’m going to make your time in there as nice as possible. For you, I hope your cage time makes you feel helpless and at my mercy. I hope your cage time makes you feel connected to me through my display of mercy. On hope your take time teaches you to trust me in that I will take good care of you while you are at my mercy. I hope your cage time makes you feel like my pretty slave on display in my pretty red cage. I hope your cage time is a very reaffirming act of trust, love and reinforcement of our relationship role positions. I also hope your cage time gives you plenty of opportunity and material for your posts in This thread is ORGASMIC. For you, cage time should be your own proof of surrender and proof of my ability to accept and take care of what you surrender… yourself.

The Cage Set Up

The romantic cage A cage built for 2 - nothing is quite as peaceful or romantic. A Master’s pad on top and a slave pad inside. It’s nice for the captive because cage time in my house allows unfettered access to the slave snacks, internet, phone, DVD player etc.

Having read this I am now viewing cages another way. Being in a cage really does make me helpless and Master's slave but I worry that he is now more my boyfriend/finacee then Master and would let me out when I asked to be let out (Okay i worry that he will let me top from the bottom) A situation where we have a cage big enough to sleep in with a soft padded bottom and water and snacks kind of sounds nice.

A cage where when I am in the cage I don't have to ask permission for the normal things like eating or going to the toilet though having to do it in a bucket or being forced into diapers would be humilating and really make me feel the slave. Where I can essentaily do as I wish unless Master says other wise. These situaiton would be perfect if Master decided to go to a system where we have high protocol days sometimes, the days where a slave has to ask permission for everything and when not serving her Master is kneeling at his feet, silent unless she has permission to talk. By high protocol I mean the protocol you see in some Master/slave relationships or Gor relationships, on those days a cage would be a wonderful place to have free time and play on my laptop or phone or watch a dvd while still knowing that while I was doing things for myself I was still Master's slave and would be there until he deemed otherwise, that this could be hours or days would just add to the thrill. If Master let me decorate the cage so that it was nice and livable and didn't feel cold and sterile and didn't make me feel like I wasn't loved or that he didn't want me I think I could do the cage things for a few days at a time.

Imagine the play we could have with a cage. We could have two, the nice one that I could be trained to enjoy and want to spend time in, the one that in my mind equals freedom because apart from being locking in there other rules do not apply and then a cage that is smaller without the room to stretch but be forced to kneel or lay on the floor of the cage in a tight ball. A dog size cage that has rice on the bottom of it that i must kneel on for how ever long master decideds while hooded so that all my focus is on the rice digging in to my knees and legs... yeap that would be a punishment all right. Perhaps we could roll a dice and that would say how long i was to remain in the cage (10, 20, 30 up to 60mins) and then set an oven timer that is ticking down but i have no idea how long remains because i am locked in to my hood and all there is is darkness and the clock ticking down and the pain from the rice. Of course the punishment cage could also be use for some fun if the rice was cleaned up and a nice thick sheepskin rug placed on its floor we could have fun with kitty play.

Or another cage game, Master ties my hands above me and me legs out through the bars on the cage open and vunerable so that he can tease me and use me through the bars of the cage or he ties me down on my back, uses the rings on my play collar so that i can barely turn my head and then stalks around me flicking me with the crop or whip, tormenting the beast in the cage and i can't get away.

So many ideas now... I wonder what Master would think of saving up for the large cage that i could lay down in. My dream cage would be pink or purple and have thick padding on the bottom of it, the pading is wrapped with a feather doona in a plain black cover for more padding. On top of this doona the slaves bed is made up consisting of a thick sheep skin rug or two for more softness then a sheet and top sheet, blanket and doona and pillows with a cushion or two and a teddy bear for company. The cage also has a small emergency light attached to it. The top has a padded mat and can be used as a bondage table. Something like this one but with my own touches. http://www.residentsadist.com/pics/cagenew95.jpg

For humliation and/or pet slave inside the cage is attached a water bottle and a food dish much the same way they would be attached to a pets cage. Depending on if we are doing kitty play or not the slave is either required to eat animal like from the pet bowl or yummy treats such as chocolate are provided for her here. http://www.residentsadist.com/pics/cagenew93.jpg

All Master's again

With exams now over and done for the semster I find myself with time to post once again to this blog but not only do I have the time to post and now have more time for life and most of all am a slave to nothing and nobody else apart from Master. No more being a slave to my studies I belong all to Master. Being a slave to my studies is something that has been making me really sad and making me feel once again as though I am no slave at all. It has been weeks since Master and I last played or really did anything apart from having sex (Which is fun but theres much more to us then that) and it has been weeks since Master has kept me strictly to his rules although most of the time I have been fairly good at following them anyway.

I have a feeling though that I may find it a little bit of a challenge to get back to where I was a little while ago that night when it hit me that I belong to Master and that his will is my will, that night that I was in tears and terrified and now a little bit on thats exactly how I want to feel, I want to feel like his slave, want to know that i belong to him and that he will use me as a slave should be used.

Our life is changing once again. Master has a new job that he begins on Monday, I am on holidays for the next two weeks before begining the new semester at uni and I even have a new laptop that my wonderful Master bought for me, its pink and so pretty and just perfect for what i need a laptop to do, our housemate (who is also my ex) went out and got himself a new laptop too, he keeps trying to compare the new with me and make me feel like his is better but it doesn't matter I like my pink laptop and its what I need so he doesn't matter. Mum was up yesterday and we spend the day with her which was nice. I think the only other real piece of news I have is sad news. My little kitty Charlotte was hit by a car and died a week ago. I am missing her very much and still feel sad when i think about her but I am dealing with it.

Ra'anna

A quote (BDSM)

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. ~ Anais Nin

Its been a hard days night... (M/s)

Last night would have to be one of the worse nights that I have had since being with Master and today has left me feeling down, alone and wondering if he really does still want me or if he is just saying that so as not to upset me.

It started with a play session that just didn't meet me needs. At first I thought that Master was punishing me because he didn't warm me up first before canning then me and I broke down in tears asking him if i had really been that bad. After holding me and wiping my tears away we continued with impact scene but Master decided to end it and move on to something else which is this case was bondage and sex. As he was tying me up I felt as though I had failed him and were dissapointing him because the way I moved made the knots not work and I could see the annoyance on his face. Then he had me in a predicment bondage position which was great and enjoyable and secure, he started playing with my button however and it hurt, (again I failed) when i told him this again I could see and feel some sort of frustration from him before he had me move on to my back and used me for his own pleasure (which I also enjoyed though left me feeling very antsy) once the sex was over he untied me and it was over with me feeling very much used and walking on very rocky ground when he said that I could not use my buzzy to get my pleasure.

Now that I have given a general overview of the events that took place I can begin to deconstruct them and explain them and why they left me feeling the way that I do now.

1. The second time around with the impact scene my mind was just getting to the place that I call slave space, its not subspace floaty but it is a space I enjoy being in. I think that the endorphins were just starting to run through my body at that point and it was just starting to feel good with me focusing on my breathing and in an almost medative mind state. Stopping when it did meant that I didn't get the endorphin rush and that from the few endorphins I did have caused me to drop.

2. Moving on to bondage was again a similar issue. I love rope and am a rope slut but it stopped just as i was getting to my rope space.

Logicaly I know why we stopped, Master was too tired to continue. However emotionaly it felt like something I really wanted was being waved in my face and then pulled away from me just as I almost had it in my hands, like the bully teasing the kids in the school yard. It felt emotionaly like things ended early because i was bad and that somehow I had failed Master once again.

When he said no to be using my buzzy the whole world started crashing down around me as it hit home that i am a slave and only property. That he can do with me as he wishes no matter how it makes me feel and that I am just here for his enjoyment, pleasure and to make his life easier. I know that I have said in the past many times that I just wanted to feel like a slave, however I have discovered that there are two different ways of feeling that. One if a positive feeling, where everything in the world seems to make sense and you know you are where you are meant to be and that you are safe as your Masters toy, girl, slave that he will look out for your best interests.

The other way is what happened last night, when things leading up to it had felt negative and when needs had not been satisfied and your feeling disssapointed and used (not in the good way) when it hits that you feel this way because your Master did what he wanted too with you and that you had no say or control in it. You feel like you are just property, a toy to be played with and then put away or upgraded when the better model comes out and you begin to wonder if you really want this. In your mind all you can see are the negatives of being a slave and there doesn't seem to be a positive but you say because you love them and you stay because you are there property and you don't have the right to just walk away when someone else owns you.

That someone else can have that much control over you can hit hard and be the scariest thing in the world and you wonder what sort of sick person you are to choose this lifestlye, your brain screams at you to get out while you can, to leave and take control of your own life and do what you want to do when you want but deep inside you can't because you love your Master, because you want to serve them and because deep inside you know that nobody else has ever made you feel the way that he does and that beside him is where you are meant to be.

But you know what thats not all that happened last night if it was perhaps I would not feel so bad now but the events that followed were even worse. One of my others decided that she didn't want Adam in our lives anymore and did everything she could to get rid of him and I think it almost worked. The upshot of that is that Adam was hurt, I was hurt and today I don't really know how I feel apart from wondering why he still wants me and feeling like the worse person in the world. I feel as though he will never want to use me again that from here everything will go vanilla and right now more then anything else I need him to be Master, I need him to be in control, I need him to do a scene with me even just a light one so that I can feel wanted and needed and loved and see that being a slave is a good thing not a bad scary thing.

Stressed (V)

I'm feeling a little lonely at the moment even though I am sitting in the loungeroom where my bestfriend is playing the xbox 360 I still feel alone. I know that it comes mainly from the fact that so much of my time is being taken up by exam study at the moment that I don't really have time for anything (or anyone) else. Even when I am not actively studying my mind is consumed with thoughts of the exams, with the topics I have reviewed that day or with thoughts of the areas that I feel I need to know a lot more. I have had a few panic attacks because of this as I will suddenly think of something and realise that I don't know enough, that i'm not good enough and then I become convinced that I will fail. Of course this exam stress is also affecting other areas of my life. I jump between being moody and snappy to being weepy and just wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry. The tiny things are setting me off at the moment from not finishing the dvds we hired out last weekend too feeling like I had failed at making a toastie for Master because it was a little soggy. I am sure Master and our housemates are tired of my moods and my stress and all I can say is that it will be over soon and thats something that I have to hold on too. I know that I can get through these exams and I know that I can and will pass them and the units after all I got 75% on both the midsemesters which means all I need to do for two of my exams is get 40% and I have past the units, if i get more then that great but if not then passing is all that really matters.

Another one of the things stressing me out is once again not feeling like a slave. I know that we go through this often and I know that I am a slave, I think Master put it perfectly the other night, at the moment I am more a slave to my studies then I am to him and to be honest that makes me feel bad. Master should never take second place in his slaves life but yet at the moment he is in mine and he is doing things like getting me drinks and making me food rather then the other way around. Master is supporting me and encouraging me and I am grateful for it, part of me is even grateful for him chaining me to the desk so that I study without distractions. Its funny the chain is still under the desk but even without being secured to it today I had more focus on my study, I think that the fact that I knew he could and would chain me to it in an instant if i got too distracted kept me on focus.

I need sex (M/s V)

Its really bad when you are dreaming of having sex with people you have played with in the past. This particular dream should have had a triple X rating and has left me feeling a little guilty... feeling guilty over my dreams thats a new one. In this dream was Frank, a friend of mine from Sydney who I have slept with a few times in the past and played with a little bit in the past long before I ever meet Master. For some reason I was at his place watching TV and one thing lead to another and we were in the bedroom with him tying me up and procedding to use me as he wished... nice dream but it wasn't Master in it. I know a lot of people would freak about dreaming about someone other then their partner but not me, I know that dreaming of sex with frank does not mean that I want sex with Frank rather it means that I have a need that has been a little neglected and that I need to be more careful to have that need meet. Why Frank well I think that has something to do with the fact that the last thing I did before bed last night was read my friends live journals and his was the last one I read.

Argh a dream has got me so horny that I wish Master was here so that I could seduce him, stuff the whole topping from the bottom thing (in this case anyway) The way i feel at the moment I think that I would be ready to pounce him the moment he walked in the door. Yes I know I prefer it when he is control, I prefer it when he has me tied down and I can't do anything about it, I prefer it when he is rough and takes me hard so that I really feel it and really feel like I am being used (On my knees seems to work best for this as it almost hurts) Right now I want to be teased and tormented, played with and then used until there is nothing more in me to give and the feeling of anything touching the little button is more painful then pleasurable. Somehow I think a month without sex was a very very bad idea.

Anyway on to something non sexual. We held the first under 35 munch yesterday at our local coffee club and I have to say I think it went fairly well. There were more men of woman there but I expected that and somehow more Dom's then subs but we got 10 people on a Sunday afternoon after hellfire and partys the night before, I think thats doing well. There was some fun comversation and laughs and the afternoon was a pleasant and enjoyable one that I would be happy to repeat again in the near future. There is one woman in the group that i don't particularly like but perhaps if i give her a bit more of a chance and get to know her rather then judging her on face value that will change.

An update (M/s)

Its been a while since I last posted here so here I am making amends for that. One of Master's orginal rules was that I was to post in my blog on a regular frequency, somehow I don't think I have been doing that and after thinking it over I have come to the conclusion that if I want things to be 24/7 with Master, if I don't want things to keep going almost vanilla on us then I have to keep up with the rules that Master has set even if he doesn't remember what those rules are himself and even if he doesn't notice me breaking them I still have to do my best to uphold them. Yes sometimes I am just too sick to uphold some of the rules but as long as I give it my best effort then I am being true to myself and not living a lie.

So whats going on in our lives? Both Master and I have had our birthdays, we are now both 26 years old which I know is counted as still being babies by a lot of people within the scene but in our personal lives we are well and truly adults. To that end we are making descions about our lives together and where we want to go. The two biggest things that have come out of these conversations is deciding to get married...

Yes we are getting married and yes it is something we decided together there was no big romantic proposal and as yet there is no ring, I know that when he has the ring there will be a proposal but one was not needed to decide that we want to be married in the vanilla world and at least once we are married the vanilla world will somewhat see the strength of our relationship. In the flavored world that is our lifestyle we are still considering a formal collaring ceremony at some point in the future, really making me his slave and property and to me that formal collaring is more important then the vanilla wedding. Both are exciting though.

The other big thing is deciding that we want to try and have a baby next year, to that end I am on a diet, trying to lose weight so that I can conceive easier and have a much healthier pregnancy then I would being 50 kilos overweight. My goal weight is 75kg my current weight is 117kg so I have a long way to go but I know that with Masters help, a desire to have a baby and a wedding to lose weight for that I can do it.

Master and I have not played much in a while, I haven't been well and on days when I am okay he has been tired after work. Sometimes the real world really does get in the way of having our fun. It doesn't matter though I don't need play to know that Master loves me and wants me as his slave. Hopefully we can pull it together enough to scene sometime soon.

Hellfire is on this weekend, I don't think that Master and I are going as we can't really afford to and I don't have anything to wear. (The theme is drs and nurses this month so our friend Jess will really have something in theme to wear) though I am becoming more active within the Brisbane community. I started an under 35s list which has a fair few people on it and I am now finding myself in a position where I am about to be handed the reigns of the subbie union meaning as well as organizing munches and events for the under 35s I will also have subbie union things to organize such as classes and demonstration as well as munches and modding the groups site. I am actually quite happy to be getting more involved within the Brisbane scene it opens the doorway to new friendships and opportunity's and puts me in a position where I am known within the scene which is something I have envied in some of my Melbourne and Sydney scene related friends. It also makes me look good, makes Master proud of me and brings his name in to good standing within the community. After all if I can juggle a household, uni, two active groups and my other hobby's without cracking it says good things for my character and Master's training of me.