After days of my thoughts pounding away at a million miles, after so many tears I could fill a dam and unrelenting confussion I am at last calm and at peace with myself and the choices that I have at last made.

I have decided that if this is to work then I must put any thought that it will not out of my mind. If I keep thinking it will not work then the energy I will have put into that thought will make it happen. In this world we manifest the things we put the most energy into so if I want this to work I must focus only on that and use my energy to create that which I desire.

I am not quite ready to accept his collar once more but I have put my engagement ring back on and to be honest wearing it feels right.

Thought for the day

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

Chains of misery.

Before I sat down in front of the computer to type this blog entry I had a whole entry going around and around in my head yet now that I am here the words seem to have vanished. I am not coping well at all with things the way they currently are. Nothing here feels right everything is wrong and sometimes I don't know how I am going to keep going forward. I feel as though the world has been ripped out from under my feet and I'm falling without anything around to catch me. The structures that would usualy catch my fall are no longer part of my life that feels as though it is spiraling out of control.

My relationship with Aj started as that of Master and slave, yes there was a deep friendship underneath it but we were never just boyfriend and girlfriend. As the relatinship progressed we became more then Master and slave to one another but that was always the foundations of our relationship and that made me happier and more at peace with myself then I had been in a long long time. My history tells us that I can not live a life that is vanilla with a taste of D/s every so often, to be happy I have needed the reverse to be D/s 24/7 with tastes of vanilla every so often. So what do I do now that my life is purely and only vanilla? I am a slave at the core of my being this is who I am and when that slave is released to be who she is, to serve her Master and to belong to her Master she flourishes but who I am when i deny that side of me is nothing more then a lie.

In slavery and service I find freedom unknown in any other area of my life, in the chains of protocols, rules and rituals I am free to fly as high as I can go. For me being a slave is being free. Without that structure, without those rules and protocols I am chained tighter then tightest bond ever placed on me by another. Without a master to serve and to belong too I am caged. When I am in essence a free woman I am nothing but bound and caged to a life that i don't wish to lead.

When we have thrown out everything D/s in our life to fix the problems on the vanilla side how can anything ever truely be fixed? How can the distance between us ever really be closed when the times I feel closest to him are the times that rules and protocols are at their strictest or when I am placing my physical safety in his hands and allowing him to do what he wishes with me? How can we ever get things back on track when we are ignoring what the core of our relationship is? I don't know if we can.

It is a catch 22 situation. Without the D/s I don't feel close to him but without trust we can not take part in a D/s lifestyle and without taking part in a D/s lifestyle I don't think the trust can be rebuilt. How do I find a way for the trust and closeness to come back? Do i just ignore all the issues and say lets go again, let me be yours again and fake it until we make it? I know thats not a healthy way to do things but my heart is yearning to be owned, my spirit crying to be released to fly in the bonds of slavery. I just want to be free to be me again.

I am hopeless the way things stand and so very lost. The hardest times of day are the times he has just gotten home from work, meal time and bedtime. It doesn't feel right not kneeling to greet him, I can't bring myself to eat without his permission or at least waiting until he begins and when I go to bed at night without our nightly ritual I cry. I can't touch myself without feeling guilty. I woke up this morning aftera rather erotic dream and feeling antsy I pulled out my buzzy but I couldn't do it. I felt the pressure growing at the base of my spine and spreading through me but jsut as i was at the point of releasing it I lost it and the feelings went away. Without hearing him telling me it is okay to play, to cum for him I can not do it. I have never before been in a situation where the rules and protocols have become so much a part of me that I just can't seem to switch them off.

Right now i just want my life to be normal again, I want the structure, the rules the protocol back, I want the security of knowing that I belong to someone back but I don't know if we will ever get back to that. Right now i am in control of this relationship, i hold all the cards, how will that ever change when the memories of what has gone wrong will never go away? How can I give myself to him again when I will always be wondering if his words are the truth?

The world comes crashing down.

How can i go from being so happy one week to feeling as though the world is falling down around me the next? I thought we understood each other at last, thought that things were getting to be just where we wanted them to be and I was happy, the world made sense and I had hope for the future. Now that hope is gone, now that happiness is so far away I wonder if i will ever even feel okay again. A week ago we were finding out that we were having a little boy and we were over the moon about it. A week ago i knew where life was taking us, a week ago i felt so close to him and so loved and now I feel alone.

Due to things happening in our life our D/s Master/slave aspect to our life is on hold, the goddess knows how long it will be on hold for perhaps it will never be picked up again. I have been living a vanilla life for a little over 24 hours and I am hating it. Nothing makes sense in my world, I am in a position where I hold all the cards when I am the one in control and I hate it. I am not coping and while I know I can function in a vanilla life I am not happy here. Once he got home yesterday I barely ate or drank anything because while I know we are only vanilla a little voice in my head was telling me I had to ask before I could eat or drink. When I went to bed last night I felt so lost without our nightly bedtime ritual. WIthout the things that give my life structure and meaning I don't know who or what I am. A little voice inside my head is screaming at me to just ignore all the issues and go back to being his slave but I can't do that not while there are so many issues that need to be fixed. I just want someone to hold me and tell me its going to me alright and for me to be able to beleive that.

Letter to Master (M/s)

Dear Master,

I am not writing this is an effort to try and place blame for our recent misunderstanding but to try and help yo understand how i operate, so that I may serve you better. If you understand the way i work and my needs and I learn better the way you work and your needs then both of us will be able to function better as a result of that understanding.

I'm not trying to top from the bottom, I am trying to find a place of deeper understanding in our relationship. I acknoweldge that when I talk about the energy or feeling of something that it is not something that you understand instinctively and I want to try and help you learn what I mean.

How do I explain that wanting to be treated more as a slave and not a girlfriend yet want more affection (not sex) is not a contradiction?

How do I explain energy and feeling and how the energy of something changes the feeling of something completly.

I guess its about intent. When you kiss me or hug me I feel like your your intent is to show me you love me and while I need love I sometimes need affection that show's ownership more then I need affection that shows that you love me. The intent of an action changes the energy and feeling of an action. The every day rules and rituals are great they are the bread and butter, they are things I/we need to exist but some days I want more, I want chocolate mousse. I want to be reminded of my place with a look, a command a kiss or a touch. I want to feel when you are kissing or hugging me that it is not a moment we are sharing together but it you making a physical show of your ownership of me and ability to do what you want when you want. When we watch TV together I want to feel as though it is you choice to do this activity and that it is a privledge that you are granting me to be allowed to do it with you not just an everyday activity.

As a slave I need to feel like I am being useful, I need you to give me orders so that I can feel that I am serving you and not just doing everything off my own back. I love it when you order me to get you a drink and serve it on my knees. I may sometimes get annoyed with havng to stop what I am doing to follow your orders but deep down I thrive of this attention and crave it. I don't want to be able to say in a moment or just let me finish this, when you want something I want to feel the urgency of having to serve and please my Master and know that consequences will follow if I am not quick enough. I want to be permited/ordered to kiss your feet to show you the depth of my submission and affection for you and not just show you that I love you with a hug or a kiss.

This girls head is screwed back on the right way today (M/s)

Despite the fact that Master and I did nothing scene related yesterday and pretty much had another day of vanilla this morning I woke up feeling more focused and knowing that being a slave is exactly what I want and exactly what makes me feel happy and at peace with my life. I don't know what occured in my sleep last night to help me put my thoughts back in order but perhaps the theory that when people sleep their minds sift through all the crap piled up in their head and file whats needed away while getting rid of that which is not needed in some what correct. I feel lighter today unlike yesterday when it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. So far today has been mostly vanilla although Master did go through part of the morning ritual when he got me up. After I had been up long enough to wake up I cooked us an awsome sunday brunch of pancakes with all the toppings and fresh coffee. Its amazing how starting the day right puts me into such a better frame of mind when it comes to my life as a slave. I am still craving the strict harsh treatment that I was yesterday but I am no longer questioning my desire or ability to be Master's slave.

Master and I seem to have fallen off the path again recently but I think that he is planning on trying to fix that this weekend. Right now to be honest I don't know what I want, I am in two minds, part of me wants to be a slave and have him bring me in to line regardless of what I am feeling or wanting at the time and the other half of me wants to just drop the whole thing and try to live a vanilla life. Now I know I am only feeling like this because I am grumpy after he was out all night last night and I couldn't get in contact with him but I don't know how i can shift my mind back to where it needs to be. I think the only way I can snap it back is if he treats me like nothing but a slave/object for his amusement for a little while, if he really puts me in my place and keeps me there regardless of what I am wanting at the time, regardless of any tears or tantrums from me. I know that if he is strong and strict and treats me like that then my brain will snap back into place but I don't know if he can do it.
I almost want to be treated like the typical image of a slave presented in most fetish stories. Kept in a corner tied up or in a cage until he has use for me. Plugged in all of my holes and kept in restraints and hooded unless he needs it removed to serve. Forced to eat like an animal at his feet when ever he decides that i deserve to eat all of that stuff that usualy i say is just fantasy seems to be what i want at the moment.

Argh what is wrong with me? I know I wouldn't enjoy being treated that way so why do i want it so much?

Not feeling so much of a slave M/s

I am not feeling particular like a slave today (or yesterday) and while part of me thinks that I should tell Master this another part of me doesn't want too because i know full well that if I tell him I am not feeling like a slave his idea of trying to make me feel like a slave will be to order me to make him a drink or get him something to eat or something along those lines and right now that would just make me resent him rather then making me feel like a slave. So rather then tell him right now that I am not feeling so slave like I thought I would come here to my blog and try to examine just why I am not feeling like a slave.

I guess the first reason is that the last week we have not stuck so strictly to our rituals and when we have they have been shortened versions for the most part. Now I know that Master can perform the rituals however he sees fit but it makes me a little sad as I wrote them for him in such a way that I know they would help bring out the slave side of me that has been burried so far down inside for so long. I don't want to ask that we do the ritauls my way though as its Master's wants and needs that need to be meet first not my own. While on the topic of rituals I think I am just a little dissapointed that i put so much work in to them and one of them has not even been performed yet despite Master telling me that we would use all of them. Now I know we don't have all the required equipment for that ritual but we could do most of it.

The second reason is that while we are suppose to be running on higher protocol rules I think that Master has forgotten just what those rules are. I think this as i know i slip often and break particular bits of them yet he does nothing to enforce these rules and without him enforcing it doesn't become habit to not do those actions that are against those rules. I can't do it on my own and need him to remind me when I forget but how can he remind me when it seems that he doesn't remember himself? (Mostly speech and touch rules that I keep slipping up on)

Another reason is that I am one of those people who tone of voice and strictness can go a long way to putting me in the right frame of mine and lately these things have not been around very much. I like it when he graps me and holds me down by the neck reminding me that i am his or even sometimes calling me names and degrading me to put me in my place. Am I sick for liking these things?

I guess its just hard to maintain things when the real world of work and bills and annoying housemates intrude but sometimes I really wish we could have one week of extremly high protocol, strictness and training like we read about in so many bdsm stories. I know that its not practical in the real world but its nice to dream about. Its nice to imagine being made to kneel or tied up in a corner somewhere until he is ready for my services, its nice to imagine being pushed past my comfort boundarys and made to do things that will humilate me just to prove to him (and me) that I am his slave. Its nice to imagine being treated like nothing more then an object here for his amusement but I know that it will have to stay in the imaginae because some things just are not the same when they become reality.

Thoughts on this afternoon M/s

Master and I had to perform the discipline/punishment ritual this afternoon as a result of me being disrespectful and disobediant over the last 24 hours. I have to say that while it is not plesant to have to do that ritual the ritual really did help me focus on what it was I had done wrong (not that I hadn't spent half the day thinking about it) and atoning for my transgressions which I guess is the point of the ritual.

Master chose to cane me for my actions as well as having me write the essay is my previous post. The cane is something I hate and don't think I will ever grow to like and usualy by the time he has finished disciplining me with it I am in tears not just from the pain but from the release of guilt that I carry from dissapointing Master so much. Today was no exception by the time he finished caning me the tears were flowing and then I was shocked and a little confussed when he didn't just stop and hold me like he has in the past. No rather then stop he decided to choose that time to use me as a Master should use his slave, he had me suck his cock before he turned me around and plunged it into me and used me hard. It was in that moment that I had a moment of crystal clear clairity unlike anything I have had recently because in that moment it hit me that I am a slave, that I am there for Master's use regardless of how I am feeling or what I want and with that realization my tears kept flowing. When Master finished and asked me what was wrong I could not put that into words as my mind was such a whirlpool of confussion and shock so here I am now putting it into words for him here. Using me straight after he had punished me really did ram home the fact that I am nothing but his slave to use as he wishes and with that thought there is a little bit of comfort as well. I can't say that I enjoyed him using me like that but I will say that I am glad he did and that I hope he does in the future. I was lucky enough that when he had finished using me he allowd me to cum and then held me close to him afterward as we dozed together.

Essay - Roles, responsabilitys and rights of a slave. M/s

A slave's role, rights and responsibilities can be stated very simply, the slave is her Master's property and plays what ever role her Master wishes and has what ever responsibility and rights that her Master may grant her.

It is the role of a slave to be whatever it is that her Master wishes her to be and to perform her role to the best of her ability. Within the realms of the bdsm world there are many different roles a slave may be given. She may be a sex or bedroom slave and fulfill all her master's fantasies in the bedroom. She may be a house slave and see to the easy running of her Master's household, she may be a companion slave there for conversation and companionship of her Master or she may be nothing more then an object, a position that her Master may or may not play with or put on display as he so wishes. Many slave's perform all of these roles and more to this type of slave her role is to be what ever her Master wishes to be when he wishes her to be it. This means that regardless of what a slave may be occupied with at any given time if she receives a command from her Master she will follow it to the best of her ability without argument or delay.

So what responsibilities does a slave have? It is a slave's responsibility to exhibit an appropriate attitude and display humility and deference towards her Master. It is a slave's responsibility to treat her Master with respect without expecting the same respect in return. It is the slave's responsibility to be ready to fulfill her Master's orders and to make sure that any prior orders have been acted upon. A slave's responsibility is to serve her Master in anyway he wishes in any place and at any time that he see's fit.

When discussing the roles and responsibilities that a slave may take in a household we must also turn out attention to the discussion of a slaves rights. It is too easy to make a blanket statement an say that the only rights and responsibilities that a slave has is those that her Master may grant her. While this statement may be correct it ignores the simple fact that in the western world we live in no person can legally give herself to another person and that in the western world slavery as we know it is illegal. As a result of this it is a slaves right to terminate a relationship and ask for release at any time in the relationship to this humble slave's way of thinking that right is the only right beyond breathing (though if he really wishes a Master can even control how a slave breaths) that a slave retains once she has surrendered herself to a Master. A slave may never say no to her Master or disobey a direct (or indirect) order without expecting drastic consequences that may range from a simple punishment to being released and sent away from her owner.

(520 words)

Book of Days - 28th July 2009

Outside my window- Again a blue sky with no signs of even a whispy white cloud. There is a bird sitting in the tree outside my window chirping happily to itself.

my thoughts - Its funny how things can change in a little over a week. From an almost vanilla exsitence back to more of a lifestyle focus then we have had in a long time. It has felt so easy to come back to place, so easy to let go of all the control and allow Master to pick it up again. In letting go, in surrending and giving up my freedom I feel more freedom then I have in a long long time.

Today's Quote- "There are thorns everywhere, but along the path of vice, roses bloom above them." -:Marquis DeSade:-

i am thankful for- The beautiful weather that Brisbane is currently experiencing. The warmth in the daytime, the blue sky and sunlight combined with Master's guidance leading me deeper and deeper in submission are bringing me to life once more.

From my service training - This week there is focus on maintaing our newly introduced rituals and adjusting to life as his slave under a higher protocol then that I am used too. It may not be very interesting but if those basic foundations of our relationship are not learnt and don't become habit then it is pointless to move on to any other sort of training.

From the kitchen- This week I WILL bake something nice for Master.

What I am wearing- A silk skirt that Master bought me early in our relationship with a pink happy bunny tshirt that says I've been naught so what?

i am creating- A cleaner home for us to live and relax in. This weeks big task is to spring clean the bedroom.

my adventures this week- After a busy weekend I am hoping that this week will be a quiet one. As things stand my only plans this week are going to the dentist tomorrow morning and being open to what ever Master desires of me.

Becoming well read- Reading vanity fair.

i manifest and co-create- the willingness to submit all that I am to my Master's keeping.

Todays Melody- song for those who know.

One of my favorite things- Strawberries. I am obsessed with strawberries at the moment and can not seem to get enough of them. I can happily consume a whole punnet for breakfast and then want more after dinner.

further plans for this week- Dentist.

___________________________________________________________________
If you have enjoyed going through my day with me and would like to see what the Service Book of Days is all about, go to Service Savoire Faire by Master Obsidian's slave namaste.

Introducing rituals to daily life D/s

You would think that after being his slave for almost two years that I would have learnt by now that when ever Master sets me to writing an assignment he almost always uses something out of what I have written. I blame pregnant brain if i had been more with it yesterday then I am sure I would have realized what he was up too. See it only occured to me after I wrote and posted those rituals yesterday that Master was getting me to write them because in writing them I was showing him the things that I thought I was capable of doing. Master happily read through the rituals I wrote and liked them so much that he has made them all part of our rules set begining today.

This morning in a freezing cold room I had to climb out of the nice warm bed and kneel on the slave mat to preform the morning ritual for the first time. Thankfully Master was merciful and shortened it greatly from what it usualy would be, he also decided that he didn't want breakfast or coffee and that i could go straight back to bed after he gave me my tasks for the day. This afternoon when Master arrived home from work I was waiting kneeling again on my mat to preform the afternoon ritual. Again we didn't do it completly but it will take time for both of us to learn the rituals.

Despite the cold of the morning and despite the fact that we did not preform the rituals in their entirity it somehow felt right, somehow felt as though this is how things should be and really helped put me more in touch with the slave side of me that I was so sure that I had lost and would never be able to find again. Perhaps in time I will find these rituals annoying or perhaps they will go the other way and prove a fantastic tool for keeping me on track and a comfort when i am finding it rough, only time will tell.

Assignment - Rituals

Rituals

Morning Ritual

To be preformed on waking each morning.

The ritual:
The slave will rise either slightly before or with The Master every morning and will kneel on her slave mat. Once the Master is awake and out of bed he stands before his slave and pulling her hair back ask's the slave who she belongs too and what this means. When the slave has given an acceptable answer (and acceptable may vary from day to day depending on Masters whims) Master orders her to prove that she is worthy of serving him this day and to beg him for this privledge. The slave may attempt to prove that she is worthy of serving her Master in any way that she sees fit. (Asking permission to pleasure him or kiss his feet for example) When Master is satisfied that his slave has earned the privledge of serving him this day he will grant her permission to rise and serve him and if she is lucky may also let her know how much her loves and values her.

Once permission has been granted for the slave to serve her Master that day she will either begin to prepare his breakfast while he showers or attend him in the bathroom as per Master's orders.

If she has been ordered to see to Breakfast by the time Master has finished his morning shower the slave will have his breakfast laid out on the table and a thermos of fresh coffee (to take to work with him) ready. She will be kneeling in her place awaiting him. With eyes cast down the slave will ask Master how she may serve him today it is at this point that Master will give the slave any orders that he may have for that day. If slave has please Master that morning he may invite her to join him at breakfast and give her orders while they share breakfast together if not then he will give his orders while she kneels beside the tables.

Before leaving for work for the day Master will grant his slave permission to go about her day and attend to her duties. If he is particularly pleased he may indulge his slave with a kiss or a hug before he leaves for work.

Rational:
Starting the day in this manner assists the slave to be in the right mindset from the very beginning of the day. Both Master and slave are well aware of where each stands by the reinforcing that the slave belongs to him and of what this means. Proving that she is worthy to serve the slave agains reinforces th correct mindset for her day. This ritual is about starting the day on the right foot so that the slave knows her places and knows what is expected of her that day without there being any questions about it. By attending Master in the shower or preparing his breakfast while he showers the slave experiences her first act of service for the day and feels pleasure that she has been able to serve and start her Master's day off in a positve manner.

Exceptions to preforming this ritual:
Master has granted a time out for the day as per the slave rules.
The slave has been granted permission to have a sleep in.
The slave has had to rise and leave the house to see to her work/study before Master has had to start his day.
If the child is awake then this ritual will be modified. The slave will still be required to kneel however this portion of the morning ritual will be kept brief with Master only asking her who she belongs too. She will still be required to serve breakfast and will still be given her orders for the day at that point in time.
Greeting Ritual:

This ritual is to be preformed when ever the Master or slave has been out of the house for work/study or on their own and will be preformed as soon as they are in private together.

If the Master has been out:
The slave will make sure that by the time Master is due home she is clean and tidy and pleasing to look at and that fresh coffee will only take a few moments to prepare once she is released to get Master his afternoon coffee. If Master is feeling kind that day he may send her a message as he leaves work so that she knows she has about an hour to prepare, if he is feeling mean that day or really wanting to push the slave he may not let her know at all that he is on his way home and just expect her to be ready to preform the greeting ritual on his arrival. If she is not ready and does not have an acceptable reason she will be disciplined as per discipline ritual.

If the slave has been out -
The slave will arrive home and have ten minutes to see that she is presentable in the way that Master wishes.

The ritual:
The slave will remove her clothes (unless the tempreture in the bedroom is below 20 degrees) and will kneel on her slave mat head touching the floor and legs spread apart enough that if Master wishes he can touch his pussy. The slave will remain in this position until she is given the order to show her Master how much she has missed him at which point she will kiss his feet/shoes until he orders her to stop. The Master will then pull her hair back and ask her the same questions of the morning – who does she belong to and what does this mean? If he is pleased by her answer he will let her know and give her any orders for that afternoon/evening that he may not have given earlier in the day. If he is not pleased by her reponse he will discipline her however he sees fit and if he is feeling kind he will allow her to try her answers again. If her answers are not pleasing enough a second time round then the slave will be put on the highest protocol rules for as long as Master sees fit until she has proved that she belongs to him and nobody else.

Rational:
As per the morning ritual this ritual reinforces the Master's and slaves positions allowing for no confussion as to who is in control. In kneeling and kissing his feet the slave in placing herself physicaly lower to her Master which again reinforces her position while at the same time giving her an outlet to show her love and appreciation to her Master through her kisses. This ritual also provides a good oppurtunity for the Master to use his slave in any way he sees fit from the moment he gets home. By being naked her body is ready for his use and pleasure.

Exceptions to preforming ritual:
If vanilla guests are in the house and are not able to be entertained by housemate for a short period of time this ritual will be delayed until the guests leave. In this cicumstance the slave must be ready to preform this ritual within ten minutes of the guests departure.
If a time out has been granted for the day.
If the slave in unable to find ten minutes away from the child then this ritual will be preformed as soon as the child is occupied or has gone down for a nap.



Collar ritual:

This ritual is to be preformed anytime a collar in to be placed on the slave. Often this ritual will take place directly following the nightly greeting ritual.

The ritual:
The Master will order his slave to prepare to be collared. On receiving this order she will fetch the collar indicated by her Master and any lock or key that may go along with it. The slave will bring these items to her Master kneel and will present them to her Master. The Master will ask the slave what it is she wishes and in the slave will respond asking for her Master to place his collar around her neck in as pleasing manner and she can. If the Master is feeling kind he will grant her request straight away and pull her head down so that it rests in his lap while he locks the collar around her neck and she will remain in this position until she is granted permission to move. While locking the collar around her neck the Master will remind her that when she is wearing his collar she is showing the world that she belongs to him and much conduct herself in a manner that will bring honor to him and his household. If the Master is wanting to test his slave or is not feeling so kind that day he will order her to beg for her collar. Once she has begged to his satisfaction he will grant her request.

Rational:
A collar is a symbol of Master's control over his slave and of the slaves acceptance of this control. By having to ask to be collared and/or beg for her collar she shows that she is aware of this fact and that she knows it is a great honor to wear her Master's collar.

Slave Cleansing/Inspection Ritual:

This ritual is to be preformed as the Master wishes but will be preformed at least once a week. If the slave feels the desire for this ritual to take place when the Master has not indicated it is his wishes then she will beg for him to preform it with her.

The ritual:
The Master will indictate to the slave that she is to be cleansed. It will depend on his mood as to how he indicates this but may range from a simple order to prepare herself for cleansing/inspection to her Master declaring that she is not up to his standard and that he will need to fix it himself (The second form esentially begins a humilation scene where the slave must be cleased before she is worthy of any other attention from her Master where the first way of just giving an order indicates that he wishes to bath his property)

On receiving this order the slave will make her way to the bathroom door and kneel there until her Master orders her to enter. On her entry the Master will strip her clothes from her (or if humilating may even tear or cut them off) he will then place metal handcuffs upon her wrists and secure her so that she is kneeling on the floor with her bottom raised waiting to be cleansed inside as well as out. The Master will admisitraor an enema to the slave and depending on the reasons for this treatment he may allow her to go to the bathroom and empty in private or order that she does it in front of him into a bucket which she must then clean later. either sitting in a bath he has prepare for her or standing under the shower. He will then wash his slave all over (either gently or rough) and depending on his reasons for this ritual will either allow her to relax in the bath while he sits and talks to her or he will pull her straight out on to the bathmat. When she is out of the bath he will either allow her to drip dry or dry her off gentle with a towel. Once dry he will order his slave to assume the inspection position. ( Standing legs apart so he may inspect her pussy and her hands clasp behind her head, eyes downcast) The Master will inspect his property and depending on his reasons for the ritual will either massage body lotion in to her while she is in this position or find any flaws with her presentation that may be there (not shaved or not clean enough asshole for example) if he finds any flaws in her apperance he will give her orders on how and when they are to be fixed by, if this is taking the form a humilation scene she will be berated and degraded over this flaws and must fix them to her Masters satisfaction immedialy even if this means she must endure a cold shower or repeated enemas to fix the problems. When the inspection is passed the Master will give orders as to what is expected of his slave next.

Rational:
The rational behind this ritual has a few points to it. Firstly it is a nice time for the Master and slave to connect with one another after a busy day or time when either has felt there is not much connection happening. Secondly after a busy day with work or looking after children this ritual proves useful for assisting the slave to let go of the day to day worries so that she may focus on either serving her Master to the best of her ability or placing her in the right frame of mind to scene after the children are in bed. Thirdly there are portions of this ritual that the slave may find humilating, this humilation serves to allow the slave to really focus on her slave heart and on just how much she is willing to go through to please her Master in turn this assists in refocusing her mind on her Master and her duties. The slave often finds that humilation leaves her more open and vuranable to her Master and this openness allows her to find freedom in her role.

Playtime Ritual:

This ritual will be preformed when ever Master has decided it is playtime unless he wishes to take his slave by surprise.

The ritual:
The Master will give his slave the order to prepare the playspace and will give her any instructions as to what she is to lay out or how she is to be prepared. He may send her an sms with these instructions if he wishes things to be ready when he gets home (or even to get his slave's mind going ready hours in advance)

The slave will make sure that the room Master wishes to play in is at a comfortable tempreture and that any equpiment he has ordered is laid out in a pleasing manner. The slave will make sure that there is fresh drinking water and any other safety equpiment within easy reach should it be needed. She may help to prepare the scene by lighting candles and choosing music knowing that if this does not please her Master he will get rid of them and may punish her for her assuming manner. When all is ready the slave will go to her Master and kneel in front of him and when granted permission to speak she will announce that the room is prepared. She will then await any instructions from her Master.

Once playtime is finsihed it is the slaves dutie to see to the tidying off the room and to the care of any toys that her Master may have used on her.

Rational:
This ritual allows both Master and slave to get their minds in the right space to swith off from the real world and enjoy a rewarding scene.

Bedtime Ritual
To be preformed at the end of the day when the slave is ready to retire for the evening or when ordered by the Master.

Ritual:
When it is time to retire for the evening the slave will kneel at her Master's feet and once given permission to speak will ask for permission to begin preparing for bed. Once permission is granted the slave will brush her teeth and hair and attend to any bathroom matters that may be needed. When she is ready she will kneel and ask her Master is there is anything else he requires of her before she retires for the evening. If the answer is yes she will attend to his request if the answer is no she will head to the bedroom and kneel on her slave mat until her Master comes in to the room.

On entering the room her Master will remind her of what and who she is and of what that means to him. He will then ask her if she has any trangressions to his rules from that day that she must confess. If the answer is yes then punishment ritual will be preformed if the answer is no he will grant her permission to beg for the privledge of sleeping in his bed that night. If she does not beg to his pleasure she may be denied the privdlge and be forced to sleep on the floor or if she is lucky a mattress for the night. The slave will then ask/beg the Master to prepare her for sleep. Master then places her sleep collar and any other restraints on his Slave that he wishes her to endure for that night. (example: ankle cuff locked on and chain locked to end of bed/ wrists cuffed in front of her/sleepsack) At this point the Master may let his slave know how much she has pleased him that day and may snuggle in the bed with her for a while before allowing her to go to sleep.

Rational:
Like every ritual this reinforced both positions and allows for a quite coming down to the day. Sleeping in collar is a comforting reminder to the slave that she is owned and loved and the ability to confess any transgressions and be punished for them allows the slave to go to sleep with out the guilt that may otherwise rest on her shoulders to be dealt with so that she may sleep well and awake refreshed for the next day of serving.

Discipline/Punishment Ritual:
This ritual is to be preformed when ever punishment or discipline is required. If the slave has confessed to a transgression of the rules during the bedtime ritual it will be preformed immedatly before going to bed for the evening unless the transgression is severe enough that it require punishment instead of discipline.

Ritual:
The Master will stand in front of the slave while she kneels, he will ask her what it is she has done wrong and she will respond listing any transgression that she has made. Once the transgression have been listed the Master will let her know of his dissapointment in her and will send her to think on her actions in the corner while he decides her discipline.

After some time has passed the Master will call his slave back to him, she will crawl to him and kneel before him head touching the floor, arms out in front of her in a position of prostration and her lowness. He will then order her to beg for his forgivness. Once she has begged to his satisfation he will inform her what form the discipline will take and will order her to what ever position is needed for the discipline to be preformed. Most punishments will have a physical component to them as it is well regonised that for this slave most of the time physical punishment is the only way that the guilt may be releived though sometimes a physical punishment may not be enough and something else will need to go along with it such as removing privledges or writing essays before she is forgiven. When punishment or discipline has been preformed the slave will thank her Master for correcting and teaching her and will kiss his feet in graditute until he orders her to stop. The Master will state that she has been punished and is forgiven and will give her any orders as to what is to happen next.

Rational:
A time out period allows both partys to calm down if either is angry. It allows the slave to think of her actions while allowing the Master to decide what he is to do with his slave. By verbally stating that she is forgiven once a punsihment is over it clears the air and allows the Master and slave to get back to normal.

Getting back on track M/s

Yesterday Master and I really started working hard at getting back on track.

In the afternoon we had some 'play' time which while nic
e on one hand because i do like sensory play at the particular point in time it wasn't quite what i needed. I did my best to get my mind into it though as it was clear that's what Master wanted to do with me and as his slave who am I to stop him from having the fun that he wanted too? Despite wanting/needing something different I still managed to get myself if a mindset where I was able to enjoy what he was doing to me afterall it felt so nice for him to be touching me again, to feel as though I actaully mattered to him.

So if sensory play isn't what i thought i needed then i guess the question is what was I wanting/needing? Honestly what I was wanting was not a nice sensory session but a hard session that would push me physicaly and emotionaly. A session where I feel like I am nothing but an object for him to do what he wishes with, a session with pain, with humilation with putting me into that i'm just a slave frame of mind. A session where he was anything but nice, where he was strict and stern and if I did anything slightly wrong was put back into my place quickly.

So while that play sesssion didn't happen what did happen was that after play Master put our high protocol rules in to place only modified slightly when our housemate got home. To be really honest with those rules in place again today I feel more content and at ease then I have in months. Things just feel right somehow like this is how it should be all the time not just every so often when Master decides on a high protocol day. Rules about sitting on furniture, eating/drinking/Bathroom, Speaking, addressing him and serving him just feel so normal like they should be there all the time though with a few slightly modified to fit day to day life. I like not being allowed to look him in the eye without his permission it helps keep me in that frame of mind that I have been having such a hard time finding again. I like having to gain his permission to speak or if i want to speak for a period of time ask for permission to speak freely. About the only one that seems hard today is not being able to touch him without permission.

I miss the days back in the start of our relationship where most of these rules were the normal day to day rules. Where I had to send him a message during the day if i wanted to eat or go to the bathroom and has to ask when he was at home, where every night i greeted him on my knees and knelt again asking permission to go to bed later in the evening. Where I didn't touch him without his permission and when he granted that permission or he touched me my hearted went flying with joy and I was grateful for my Master touching me. Where everyday he left me with at least a few orders of things i had to do and if they were not done i got punished. I remember one day where he had ordered me to complete a particular number of words on an assignment and when I hadn't done it at 3pm he sent me an order that the word count was still to be meet but that to remind me that i was his and did not belong to myself i was to insert a butt plug for 1 hour while working on it and if i hadn't completed enough words in that one hour the plug would stay in longer. I bitched and moaned and said how can i concentrate with that in but in hindsight it reminded me that even when i was working on things that i think of as my things I am doing it for him and he because he allows me too as a side note i got 98% on that assignment. I think as time has gone on and we got more and more comfortable with each other and real life pushed in the way we started taking things for granted. I would love to get back to the point where day in day out I know my place, where being held by him is a reward that i look forward too and not just something that i expect. When all of these things are happening I feel closer to Master then at any other time and feel as though I am really his slave and not just his girlfriend.

Book of Days 16th July

Outside my window- The sky is blue with only a few white fluffy clouds breaking up the beautiful blue. There is a butterfly hovering around the tree outside my study window, not as pretty as the ones i saw up north but pretty none the less.

my thoughts - sometimes you have to take things slowely, as much as you want to jump in the deep end and swim or sink sometimes it is much better for the soul to wade in slowely and adjust to the tempreture of the water as you go.

Today's Quote- "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

i am thankful for- A wonderful Master who loves and supports me no matter what, I am thankful to be back at home after a stressful trip to see my mother in Townsville. I am thankfully that i got into all the subjects I wanted for semester two and i'm most thankful that Master and I are at last picking up the lifestyle again.

From my service training - Master is not really focusing on training at the moment, right now the focus is on getting back into the 24/7 lifestlye without becomming overwhelmed so he is slowely adding rules back into place one after the other. Perhaps when we are back to normal with all the rules in place Master will work out a training program for me, i really hope so.

From the kitchen- i haven't really cooked anything special in weeks now, this week it has just been quick and easy food such as hotdogs or baked potatoes. I am hoping to find the time on the weekend to bake a cake or something special for Master just to let him know how much i love him.

i am wearing- Its a little cool today so I am wearing black pants, a singlet top and white hoodie. On my feet are pink socks.

i am creating- Nothing scene related, just working on a cross stitch height chart for the baby. I am hoping in the near future to make a slave pillow for the loungeroom as well as to work a little more on the household manual that i began months ago.


my adventures this week- This week has been mostly quiet getting back in to the swing of things after being away. On Tuesday I had an ultrasound and saw bubbles again. It is amazing to think that I am growing a whole new life inside of me and fantastic to see that its healthy and oh so very active.

Becoming well read- Reading the host by Stepahnie Myer. I want to find something D/s related to read and review in the near future but not sure if my bank balance would agree, I also don't know where to buy such books in Brisbane and the exchange rate is not good enough to order from Amazon at the moment,

i manifest and co-create- This week i focus on myself, on my thoughts and feelings and examine why i react to particular orders in particular ways.

Todays Melody- A little love - Blutengel

One of my favorite things- The feel of Master's hand as he rubs stretch mark balm into my belly every night before tucking me in to bed and giving me a big hug and kiss.

further plans for this week- Tomorrow Master and I have an appointment with the baby doctor at the hospital, after that i am heading into the city to put Master's christmas present on layby. This weekend we have not made any plans but I hope that we can use the weekend to dive deeper in to the deep end and really get back into our 24/7 lifestyle.

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If you have enjoyed going through my day with me and would like to see what the Service Book of Days is all about, go to Service Savoire Faire by Master Obsidian's slave namaste.

To be a slave again M/s

I think that I am entering sub frenzy again. This afternoon Master scened with with me a little, he paddled me and had me bring him to climax before he shaved my pussy. Its amazing how vunarable that position makes me feel, on my back with my legs spread while Master shaves me I know that I am really his and know that I am slave. It was good to do some stuff again but theres a little voice inside of my screaming for more. I don't want this to stop, I don't want to go back to normal life and normal rules I want more and more and stricter and stricter.

I want him to treat me mean so to speak, want him to make me kneel while he watches TV or does what ever he wants to do, want him to make me serve him, make him drinks and what ever else he wishes and have him start training me to present them in proper slave gor like fashion. I want to feel the leather of the collar wrapped around my neck and even around my wrists knowing that at any time he may restrain me quickly and easily just because he feels like it. I want him to put high protocol in place and maintain it, I want him to treat me as a slave and objectify me as just an object for his entertainment. I don't just want to sit and watch a movie but rather be restrained and gagged so that i can not interrupt with my usual chatted during his movie or forced to lie at his feet like nothing more then a favored pet while we watch a movie. I don't want to go back to life with just a handful of rules but really made to feel and know that I am really a slave again.

Take one Master, one slave mix and you have D/s

It has been far to long since I last posted in this blog but here I am again. The last few months have been fairly quiet on the home front, Master has been back at work fulltime and I had to drop out of uni due to my severe morning sickness. Also as a result of my morning sickness our D/s life has suffered as I have just not been up to doing anything. Morning sickness is getting better now and as a result Master and I have decided to do our best at picking up our lifestlye again and just doing what we can to work around pregnancy issues.

I don't think that either of us have been really happy with the lack of D/s in our life. Its not just the lack of play for me but the lack of dynamics, the lack of structure and the horriable feeling of me being in control of everything when its suppose to be Master in control of things. Now its time to pick things up and try to get back to our dynamic and to be honest I don't want to do it slowely. Right now I need to feel like a slave again and the best way to make me feel like a slave is to run high protocol rules and be strict and almost mean to me, to push me to my limits of serving and really let my mind click over to the fact that I am first and foremost a slave and that serving my Master in my first prioirty not doing what i want to do and serving Master around my wants.

I have been having a lot of scene related dreams of late. Some fairly soft others fairly hardcore. Some with particular fetishes of mine that embarress me and tie in to the humilation side of things such as diaper play. Its been interesting waking up in the morning after those dreams and trying to turn off the side of me that wants to be treated hard and mean.

There's not much more to say right now so I will leave this here and hopefully come back with more in the near future.

How life changes in a one week. One week ago the most exciting thing that was happening In my life was making plans for our wedding. I had just tried on and chosen my wedding dress and my mother had just paid the deposit, the biggest topics of conversation were about what flowers I wanted or how many tiers we wanted the cake to be and I had my life for the next few years planned out. Little did I know that I was soon to hear the words that I had wanted to hear but given up hope that I would ever hear them in this life.
'your pregnant' two little words that mean more then anything else to me, two little words that completely turn my world around, up is down, left is right and the knowledge that there is a tiny life growing within me is the best and scariest thing that I have ever known. Even now almost five days later I am still getting my head around this idea that it is not just me anymore and will not be just me ever again in my life.

Valentine's day dreams

Today is the second Valentines day since we have been together and the second that we have/are ignoring. Last year Adam was too busy packing to move us out of a house that he had been told I was not to go back too and this year we just don't really have any money to do anything. I know that it shouldn't bug me after all isn't it more important to show love on every day of the year not just the one day set aside for it? Its not really skipping Vday thats bugging me though it's the lack of romance in my life. Sure he has bought me the odd bunch of flowers or chocolate (though never the romantic box of chocolates) but he has never done anything like scattering rose petals on the bed and filling to room with candles to make a romantic astmosphere. I guess its not even the romance thing that is bugging me consdiering that when I stop for a moment to think about what I would want more then anything else today its not exactly romance.

What would make the perfect Valentine's day for me? Having my Master back to himself and our 24/7 dynamic happening again. Having Master make me feel like a slave again, having him help me bring out that part of me that I have pushed away to survive the last two months. Having a day of high protocol and lot and lots of play and being used. Having a day where I really do feel like a slave though of course being valentine's day having small romantic twists on things like sensation play involving the use of a rose thorns or romantic candlelight using me as the candleholder, or a romantic dinner when I am bound to the chair and blindfolded, Master feeds me and bite by bite I savor the flavours as he makes me guess what I am eating, earning funishment when I guess wrong, and then he really tests me and pushes me harder then he ever has before but once that it over hehas me kneel and after being pushed and tested all day and proving myself worthy we have a private intimate collaring ceremony where he presents me with a beautiful silver collar that has been made to fit me perfectly and that I can wear all of the time. After he has placed the collar around my neck he helps me up from the floor and before i know what is happening he goes down one one knee and holds out a single red rose to me as he proposes, when I take the rose I find my engagement ring nestled in the centre of the flower.

See i am a hopeless romantic but its much much more then romance that I am craving. I am craving that collar around my neck and ring on my finger, making me his both his slave and his wife to be and making me feel like I am special and deserving of his love and control. Letting me know that I am the slave he wants because he has trained me to what he wants and that I am a good slave not the bad one I often think that I am.

Fears (M/s)

I guess its time for an update here, theres just not that much to say which is why this blog is so quiet at the moment.

Master is still not well though seems to be a little better in some areas. He has his good days but they are always followed by a bad one. His energy is still so low and his mood swings and everything else are just continuing though now every so often I see flashes of my Master and not the stranger that I have been living with for the last month.

Last night we had our first play session since his accidant and it was good, it was good to feel him in that position of control over me, to feel his hands touch me, hear him call me slave and make me beg, it was even good to feel the pain of the whip. In some ways though it is like we have gone back to where we were at the start of our relationship. It was very hard for me to let go and trust that he wouldn't cross the line, that I wouldn't get hurt but in having to let go and trust him I got a buzz that had been missing from our play for some time. I hate that I don't have 100% trust in Master, hate that we have to build it up again but those butterflies in my stomach and the excitment of not knowing what to expect is a very nice ride that I hope to enjoy again some time very soon.

Playing last night may not have been the best thing though as it has awakened that urge to want to play again and again and again which I know that Master is not up too, right now I don't even want to ask him if he is up to something this evening because I am afraid of pushing him too hard, afraid of exhausting him of him going back to being so lost all the time when the flashes of the real him are coming through more and more.

The connection I got from playing also opened up some fears for me that I have not had to face in a while and some are the fears I had at the begining. I am afraid of the future, afraid of submitting and being a 'real' slave in daily life, afraid of 24/7 of never being good enough, afraid that I'm not cut out to be a slave, that I am not good enough at serving (despite the face that I have been caring for Master and giving him the best and hardest service i could ever give someone) afraid that Master deserves someone better then I, but the biggest fear, the one that I don't really want to admit to anyone is that all though I crave the dominance, crave being a slave, feeling like a slave, being made to feel like a slave I am afraid of giving up control of my life again. Afraid of submitting, afraid that he won't be strong enough to find my slave heart and draw it out of me again, afraid that i have burried what i am so deep inside that it is going to be a fight and a huge effort to bring it back out. I know that I will feel the need to push limits, I know I will feel hte need to try and top from the bottom, I know I will feel the need to disobey just to test and see and make sure that it is all real but then if i feel those needs does that not mean I am not a real slave afterall? Wouldn't a real slave just give it up and trust without the need to test? I am a slave yes but I am a strong slave and need a strong Master who is unafraid of putting me in my place, i push and test to make sure that my Master is strong enough to deal with me but still it makes me feel guilty and somehow like I am not 'real'

Lonely

It is hard to explain to anyone just how lonely I feel these days. Master is home and around all the time, my best friend is home a lot of the time, I always have someone around me yet I feel so alone that multiple times a day I lock myself away and cry.

I think a lot of my alone-ness comes from Master being so unwell, we have no play, no sex, and very little physical contact between us and I am craving it so very much yet when ever he does hug me I have to pull away because him holding me hurts too. It hurts because I want so much more that I can not have right now, it hurts because I know it has to end, it hurts because it reminds me of how much I miss feeling his hands on my skin. I never thought that the thing that would get to me most about him being unwell was this, i thought it would be the moodswings or the frustration or memory but not this lack of touch and lack of any real connection feeling between us. Half the time I feel as though I am living with a stranger, there is not that spark between us that was there before he became unwell, that feeling of closeness, of being connected and the absense of that is the most lonely thing I have experienced in a long long time. To have someone there physicaly that i see and talk to every day but for him to not really be there at all is tearing me apart and there is nothing that I can do about it but keep myself strapped in and hold on tight as this ride continues.

Gamble everything for love

Over the years one of the things that has defined me has been my willingness to put everything on the line to find true love. When I first heard Ben lee's gamble everything for love back in 2006 I could have sworn that it had been written for me and since then it has become a motto of sorts for me.


Entry to be continued.

Goals for 2009: Goal 1 health (V)

I'm going to do a set of posts on what I want to acheive for this year. Each post is going to cover one particualr goals with information on what the goal is as well as how I plan on acheiving it.

Goal 1: Health:
Do the best that I can too improve my health.

How to acheive:

Physical health:

* Keep up with naturopath appointments and monthly massage
* Stick to a healthy diet and avoid the foods that I have intolerances too but remember to treat myself occassionaly, even naughty foods are okay in moderation.
* Exercise more
* Correct my sleep patterns, make sure I am getting the amount of sleep I need each day at the right time of the day.

Slaves health:

* Read at least one lifestyle related book a month and do a small book review on it
* Become more active with the local scene and make some scene related friends
* With Master's assistance put together our household manual and butler book
* Try my hardest to follow the rules Master has set in place
* Remember to ask for my training time as is set out in the rules
* Maintain open lines of communication and make sure Master knows if anything is bothering me.
* Remember that although I am Master's property this not mean that he doesn't love me and care for, also remember that although we are engaged I am still his slave and that having a deep love for each other does not make him and less able to pull me into line or preform actions that need to be preformed.
* Remember to be true myself and my beleifs
* Vanilla time does not mean that we are no longer Master and slave, everyone has their down days where everything seems vanilla this does not mean that they are not in a 24/7 relationship. If i am feeling overly concerned that things are vanilla I can take my worries to Master at any time and he will not be angry with me.


Spirtual health:

* Take time out daily to meditate
* Follow the seasons of the year, try to eat foods that are in season and celebrate the sabbats that go with each season.
* Connect with the 'divine' again. Attend full moon circles, celbrate esbats and sabbats even on my own. * Become active in the local pagan community.
* Take time out each day to connect with the Lord, Lady and my spirit guides.
* Take time to stop and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me, stop ignoring my instincts and visions.
* Start taking my role as mentor to my students more seriously.

Mental health:

* Ensure I get me time as least a few times a week where I won't be distrubed for at least half an hour
* Work on exercises to improve my memory
* Make sure I do things that I enjoy as well as the things that I don't enjoy so much
* Continue Naturopath course, make the time to study and stay on top of my work

Social Health:

* Make time to catch up with friends in the real world
* Keep in contact with my more distant friends thorugh email, phone and msn
* Get out to a party, event or just for coffee with someone at least once every two weeks.
* Meet some new people with similar interests and get to know them.

Relationship health:

* Make one night/day a week our time to have a 'date' and just be together without the TV or computers
* Walk together for half an hour every night: This will give us time to catch up together daily as well as giving us a little exercise
* Remember to tell Adam that I love him at least once a day, even if he knows every one needs to hear it every so often.

Things are clearer for me now (M/s)

I am feeling a little better about everything now, able to see how me doing what needs to be done is not taking control and oversteeping my place but rather is just another form of service to my Master.

I took some time out for myself to night, to lay in a deep bath, read a little bit of a book I like and then relax and meditate for a while and it has done wonders to clear my mind and help me focus and be more rational myself about what is happening.

I am one of those types of people who need to plan as much as I can for every situation from the trivial to the worst possibility which is why I was looking at the fact that he may never get better and not focusing so much on the fact that he could be over this in days or weeks. To me my way of dealing with something and coping with it is to make plans for how to get through the worst case scenarios while trying my hardest to keep in the back of my mind that those plans may never need to be acted upon.

In this case it took me by surprise so quickly and threw my home life security that i have fought hard to build up in the last 18 months into such a spin that it felt like the ground had dropped out from under me and all i could do was react to things as they happened. For a few days I was okay and thought I was on top of everything and dealing with it and fine but once a name was put to what was going on I fell down into a deep spiral. Its strange how naming something could do that to me while at the same time giving me releif that what was happening was real and not all in the mind (yes i know extremly bad pun but i can't think of any other way or wording it)

Things will get better, I know this in my heart to the very centre of my being. Things will go back to how they use to be or if not quite the way they use to be then we will adapt and find where we are now. Kismet throws many challenges at us throughout our lives, some paths are easy to walk while others are a real challenge but when you get to the end of the hard ones you look back and see that the climb was worth it.

I am now viewing this as the biggest test that someone could give me to prove my commitment and loyalty to my Master and the man that I will become wife to in 13 months time. For a while I have struggled with the idea that perhaps 'i'm not really a slave' or 'that i'm not a good enough slave for him and don't deserve him' and while he has reassured me that this is not so somewhere in the back of my mind the little voices were still whispering that i was and never would be good enough. This is my chance to prove more to myself then anyone else that I am good enough, that I am strong enough, that I am commited enough to be his slave and to wear his collar with pride. That even when things seem to be all hard work without any play that i can still do it and serve him as any slave should serve her Master.

You know what, when i stop and be still and think about it, really think about how much I am serving him at the moment, i feel more complete and more his slave then I have in a long long time. Its a pity it took something like this for me to learn that lesson.

Sorry this post got so long, i sat down to say a simple thank you and things kind of spilt out.

Our world is upside down (V, M/s)

Welcome to 2009.

I can't really say Happy new year as so far for Master and I it has been anything but happy. A week ago Master feel down the slippery front steps and hit his head, since then things have been somewhat difficult. The first 24 hours after that I thought its okay its just a milk concusion but then the symptoms kept continuing. At first they thought he might have a bleed on the brain but tests ruled that out and so now it is looking like something called post concussion syndrome. Most of the symptoms in the cluster fit what is going on and while it is nice to have found a name to it, finding a name to it has made what it going on seem even more real and not just like I am a bad dream which is what the last week has felt like.

PCS can last for weeks, months or years and while I hope that in Master's case it doesn't I am really scared that this is never going to go away and really worried about how this is going to impact my life and my lifestlye. I am afraid that we will no longer be Master and slave, that we will not be able to scene again or even just be intimate in a vanilla sense again. I feel guilty for worring about how this is going to impact me when Master must be going through so much worse then I am.

The cluster of symptoms reported by these patients is referred to as the Post-concussion syndrome. The following are amongst the most commonly reported symptoms of post-concussion syndrome [4, 6].

• Attention deficits, difficulty sustaining mental effort.

• Fatigue and tiredness

• Impulsivity, irritability

• Low frustration threshold

• Temper outbursts and changes in mood

• Learning and memory problems

• Impaired planning and problem solving

• Inflexibility, concrete thinking

• Lack of initiative

• Dissociation between thought and action

• Communication difficulties

• Socially inappropriate behaviours

• Self-centeredness and lack of insight

• Poor self-awareness

• Impaired balance

• Dizziness and Headaches

• Personality changes

Often despite several of these chronic symptoms, there is no evidence of brain abnormality from conventional structural neuroimaging tests, such as CT scans and MRIs.

I have changed the colour of those symptoms that Master is displaying in the above passage. Right now I just want to cry. I am drained and exhausted and getting to the end of my rope. For the last week I have had to be strong and in control of pretty much everything aorund here. Screw topping from the bottom I'm not even trying to hide behind that concept instead I am just taking control of it all and this is bothering me. This is not me, this is not who and what I am but it needs to be done for us to survive so I am doing it. I'm trying not to let Master see when I am upset because I know he is already frustrated and feeling bad and I don't want to make it worse.