Needs (M/s)

We have been in the new house for a little over two weeks now and while we still have some unpacking to do for the most part we are settled in here. Master and I have the back bedroom which in the biggest room in the house, had wooden floor boards and an airconditioner. I don't like the colour on the walls or the fact that it is the most run down room in the house but what I do like is the face that the back bedroom is far enough away that we can do what ever we want in without too much fear of making too much noise and disturbing the other people who live in this house.

I thought that once we got here that Master and I would do more scenes, play more but we haven't done much since we got here apart from flogging/caning scenes and sex. Yesterday we did something slightly different, he was a little harder on me and treated me more as I want to be treated in a scene but it was short and over very quickly. In the evening he treated me to a nice long massage which was great and felt really good but more then a massage I need more scenes, more training time, more time when he uses me as the slave that I am rather then treating me like I am just his beloved girlfriend.

How do we find a balance if he treats me as just a slave then I know I won't be happy because I need the emotional connection but when he treats me mostly as a girlfriend I am not happy because my slave side is not getting what it needs.

I want scenes where I am no more then an object, no more then his slave to do with as he pleases. I did scenes where he is rough with me, where he throws me to the ground or pushes me up against the wall and holds me there to remind me of my place. I need scenes where I am degraded and humilated just because he feels like it, scenes where I am tied up tight for long periods of time or where I am forced to kneel next to him head bowed for periods of time.

I hate needing anything.

Willow

Part two (M/s V)

I just got an sms from Master telling me that he is on his way home which means I won't have to go to bed alone. I am feeling a little better then I was before after having a nice hot bath and reading some of a comedians latest book. (Will Anderson) Still a little down but not as bad as i was. Its amazing how much a hot bath can make me feel better though I think I am getting sick, I have been coughing for the last hour or so and can't seem to make that tickle in the back on my throat go away, I have also been exhausted and aching all over (Not the good Master has used me aching) for the last few days. If I am getting sick then I wish it would hurry up and hit me fully but perhaps I have strengthened my immune system enough that the reason I am only having minor cold/flu symptoms is that my body can fight the bug off without to many problems.

Tomorrow (today now) is another day. Sunday which is usually spent at home just hanging out watching TV, playing games and spending time together. Tomorrow I know that my best friend Nate will be home from work and that Nathan and Jess are likely to be around for a big part of the day. I don't know how I feel about that, I am starting to resent the fact that he must always have her here and can not go to her place. To be honest while I know the circumstances (having a kid and living with her parents) is not ideal at this point in time if she is not willing to take him to her home then it rings alarm bells to me that say she is just playing him and doesn't see this as a real relationship. Anyway its none of my business I just don't want to see either of them hurt.

Tonight Master is at a poker game with his work mates. This has left me at home with my ex and his new girlfriend having to witness the banter between them while I am already feeling down due to a variety of reasons. I know that if I had of asked Master to stay home that he would have but I could not do that to him and I know that if I did he would resent me. Oh he might try to hide it and pretend that he was just a little upset at missing his game but underneath it resentment would build after all thats the way that human beings work and there is not much that can be done to change that fact.

Watching my ex and his new girlfriend interact with each other has been somewhat interesting and eye opening. To put it bluntly he is a prick to his girlfriend/sub/slave. He hides what he says behind jokes and pretending that he was just playing around when the reality is that he really wasn't he was just having to prove himself and keep control even in a vanilla social setting. To put this into perspective a little bit let me give some details about things that he has said tonight Jess was in a good mood, happy, joking around being silly (and crude) and he kept pulling her up on what she was saying, threatening to gag her to make her shut up or to have to spank her for the way she was behaving. To me this didn't come across as Master/slave stuff but rather almost abusive in a passive aggressive way. In the way he interacts with his girlfriend I can see the bully in him that he is and because he is still a good friend of mine seeing this bully in him upsets me. I think what also annoyed me was that the disappeared all of a sudden without saying a word to me then about five minutes later reappeared with Jess going the bathroom and Nathan telling me that they were going to bed, my response was sure your going to bed... and Nathan went on and on about how they were tired and going to bed to sleep. Since then in the hour I have heard the sounds of a very minor spanking (it lasted all of two minutes and sounded like someone gently tapping another person on the ass with the cane). Chains clanking against each other, ( a sound i know so very well) and soft whispers and giggles, meanwhile as hour after they were suppose to be going to bed their light is still on and they are still making noise in there.

Now let me set this straight I am not upset at them playing around, I am not not annoyed at the noise, I am upset that Nathan lied to me when it was extremely clear what they were going in there to do and I am upset at the insensitivity that Nathan has shown all night with his comments about gagging her or spanking her or a heap of other play comments as well as things like graping her by the hair and holding her throat in front of me when he knows that I am struggling tonight from a combination of subdrop from a canning last night and disappointment that Master and I did not get to do anything today that we/he had meant too. Before Jess got here I burst in to tears over pretty much nothing I was just feeling down and disappointment and alone so I cried.

Anyway on to a topic that does not involve Nathan and Jess. Last night Master gave me what was my first real proper canning that was not just done with a piece of dowel from bunnings. First thing I have to say is I am terrified of the cane, in my history it has only ever been used as a punishment tool and not something that I have ever managed to gain pleasure from. This is something that Master is trying to work with me on. So last night he bound my hands with bondage tape, gagged me and had me lay across the bed with my bottom raised by pillows then he gently warmed me up and proceeded to cane me until I could not take any more. At the point he stopped and held me, speaking gently and lovingly to me until i was ready to try a little more and so I went back in to position and he canned me some more until I really couldn't take any more and then we stopped for the night. The canning was both good and bad, it was a physical and emotional thing for me and I almost cried a few times. Master was strong and gentle at the same time, talking me through it, coaching my breathing and just being reassuring. The only way he could have made it any easy on me would have been to stop every few strokes and stroke my bottom or back or face. After the canning we stopped apart from him using me for his pleasure anyway. He didn't allow me to climax myself as while he was using me I kissed him (which was against the rules) when I kissed him he slapped me across the face and I almost broke down into tears I felt so bad. After he used me we snuggled for a while and he feel asleep. Me I laid awake feeling the warmth in my bottom that I was not use to feeling, feeling bad for kissing him (which to my mind was letting him down and being a bad slave) and shaking from the endorphines that were flowing through me at some point i know I cried and curled up in to a ball until I fell asleep. I know my reaction sounds bad and reading over this it makes me wonder why I want this, why I want to be canned again when it hurts so much and scares me so much, why I want to be a slave when some nights I am left crying myself to sleep and I don't have an answerer. I know the reason my reaction was so bad was because there was not enough aftercare before Master fell asleep and having sex, getting all worked up then essentially being dropped quickly back down without anything to catch me was too much for me to handle.

Today we were going to do more but it didn't happen we got distracted going to the shops then playing a new card game and then he had to leave for his game and while I am trying hard not to take it personally right now I am feeling a little abandoned. It doesn't help that I am here alone dealing with subdrop, it doesn't help that there is a high possibility of me going to bed alone tonight, it doesn't help that his not responding to text messages, It doesn't help that we won't get time together next Saturday night either. It doesn't help that the last time he had me reach climax was over two weeks ago yet he has used me a few times during that two weeks himself. Yes I know I am the slave and that climax is a reward but a girl gets to the point where if she doesn't have them she loses them. (If you want the report data I can get it for you)

Expectations and needs (M/s)

First the post on the list that started my brain going around too fast.

That word is bandied about here quite a bit… “expectations of a master”, “should subs have expectations”, “expectations and rules”, etc. I have noticed, however, that there appears to be this propensity for the word to have a either a positive or negative connotation based on whichever side of the slash it is coming from… in other words, expectations from dominants are good and expectations from submissives are bad.

Nonsense, I say.

What is an “expectation”, anyway? It is the act or the state of expecting… to “expect”. The definition of expect contains the following:

1. to regard as likely to happen;
2. to consider reasonable or due;
3. to presume; suppose or surmise; guess;
4. to consider obligatory; require;
5. to anticipate.

For the most part, expect implies confidently believing that an event will occur.

In terms of D/s, it is easy to see where expectations on the part of a dominant are granted. After all, the very premise of D/s is that the dominant has authority and/or control over the submissive… obedience by the submissive is anticipated, required, considered due, and regarded as likely to happen.

But what about expectations on the part of the submissive?

If your initial response is that the submissive shouldn’t have any expectations of his or her dominant, then please reconsider.

One of the most agreed upon concepts in WIITWD is that the foundation of D/s is trust. What is trust but the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, etc. (or lack thereof) of a person… a confident expectation of their behavior?

Trust is generally built by a person behaving in a relatively consistent manner… whether bad or good. If my assistant is typically late for work, then I begin to trust that she will be late… it becomes my expectation that she will not be reliable to arrive in a timely manner. In the same manner, if my dominant consistently does what he says he will do, then I begin to trust that his word is good… and I expect that he will do as he says.

I propose that in developing trust, one is actually developing expectations.

And to be honest, the only people for whom I’ve no expectations are ones I have no vested interest in. Being asked to have no expectations is akin to asking me to not care.

If a dominant says that a submissive isn’t allowed to have any expectations, then I believe they are asking for the impossible… for a submissive to not care and to submit without trust. When I hear a dominant say, “I won’t be boxed in by expectations”, on the surface what I hear is, “I refuse to be held to my word. I refuse to be consistent in action. Do not expect me to behave in any particular manner at any particular time. I’m not dependable or trustworthy.”

Well, that's not good.

Of course, they might mean that they refuse to be held to an expectation based not on past experience, but desired future behavior. Expectations aren’t always reasonable in every circumstance. Just because my dominant has shown himself to be a thoughtful individual in general, doesn’t automatically mean that I can reasonably expect him to behave in a specific manner that I equate with being thoughtful.

For example, if I believe sending flowers for my birthday is a loving gesture, just because Firm has proved himself to be loving to me, it would be unreasonable of me to expect him to send flowers. That expectation would be based on my ideas, not his.

This is where the other highly regarded concept of D/s comes in… communication. The question becomes not whether expectations exist at all, but whether the expectations are sufficiently communicated and backed up by good reason with regard to your partner… in other words, are they compatible expectations?

Anybody who knows me is well aware of the fact that sometimes I think too much and get myself twisted into knots from over thinking situations. That is what has happened today and last night. I have become a whirlpool of confussion as I realise that I have no idea what Masters expectations of me or this relationship is/are. I know that once back in the begining we discussed it but now almost six months on I can't remember it. I find myself wondering if he is only playing with me and using me to keep me happy so that I won't leave him I did Nathan and then if that is the reason he is doing it then I am topping from the bottom and am the one who has all the control in this relationship. I don't want that.

I don't know if he put rules in place because it was my need or his will, I don't know if he decided to put rituals/routines in place because I asked for it or if it was something that he really wanted to do. I don't know if all the little rituals, rules and routines that govern our daily life are there because it is what Master desires or if they are there because it is what I want. Does he play with me multiple times a week to feel my need or is it a need that he also has? Does he make me serve him because he likes me to serve him (or because he can't be bothered) or is it so that I feel the way I want to feel? How much of this is about what he wants as Master and what I want/need as slave. Is Master sacrificing what he wants so that my needs are meet or are they also his needs?

What are Master's expectations for me and our relationship? What does he expect and want of a slave? What does he expect and want in a 24/7 relationship and how well am I fufuilling those needs? What do I need to do or learn to fufil his needs, wants and desires better... beyond learning what they are.

Right now I know that my expectation is to know what Master's expectations are. My need is to know and have in writing the answers to these questions so that the next time I get confussed I will have it there to refer back to. Thats the need the hopeless romantic in me would like it is his handwriting so that I can put it in to a special box and collect those sentimental items that go in to making our relationship.

Collaring (M/s)

We are talking about him collaring me soon and I find that I have no idea what that means to him. I have always dreamt of being collared, of being found worth enough for a Master to take me as his for life and now it seems that is going to happen. There are so many different views on collars in the lifestlye some people use protection/consideration then full collars for others there is only ever one 'collar' and they are slave without any levels put on what kind of slave they are. So how does Master see collars? I know how I see them.

Protection/training: When an S type is under protection or being trained by a D type. It doesn't mean they belong to that person but it does meant they are learning from and looked after by the D type. Often used with fairly new/green subs and slaves. Physical representation is a simple collar similar to a dogs collar that buckles on and doesn't lock.

Consideration: The next step up is the consideration collar. This is not given or accepted lightly as it is making a commitment usualy for a set period of time for that time to be owned by them. It is a period of time where they get to know each other and work out if they are compatable to each others needs and expectations. In this period of time the relationship is usualy exclusive with the s type not looking at being any other Master's slave and the Master focusing on the one girl. At the end of that period of time either party can pull out without any hard feelings. This level is equivalant to the old fasioned 'pinned' used in the sixitys. It is exclusive dating.

Formal/Permanent: This is the level that too me in the the M/s equivalant of a vannila engagement ring. At this point the Master is saying to his slave that he wants her to be his for life. They know each other well and know each others needs. At this stage the slave belongs to the Master she is his property. However if the need arises the slave can ask for release and it will be given. Just as a vanilla engagement can be ended but is only ended for serious reasons. It is at this point where a ceramony is held (Vanilla would be an engagement party) with the Master and slave declaring their intentions to own or be owned by the other, and often a form of vow or promise is made. I also beleive that at this point the collar must lock as a symbol that the slave really does belong to the Master.

Eternity Collar: This one is the big one. It is the wedding ring of the Master/slave relationship and usualy occurs around about the same time as a vanilla wedding ceramony. I beleive that rather then being given a new collar at this point that the slave should be permanetly marked with either a brand or tattoo to symbolize that it is forever. (Even a locking collar can be removed it is a lot harder to remove a branding or tattoo)

Panic button hit (M/s)

Tonight Master played with me and for the first time since we have been together my panic button was pushed. I feel stupid, embarressed and ashamed of myself. I didn't safe work, i don't know why I just didn't so now Master has set me a task to give him 200 words on the importance of safe words by Monday. Its only 200 words so I should be able to do it easily. It was a little bit Master's fault and a little bit mine. I didn't use my safe word but he forgot what one of my limits was and crossed it. I can't really blame him for crossing it after all its something that a lot of people enjoy and do for fun. Tickling. Its something that I can't stand and is a hard limit because of the way it was used on me in the past. In my past when ever someone tickled me it meant that they were next going to abuse me. Its kind of funny in hindsite to think that the button was pushed after Master had already had his way with me. So we both learnt a lesson tonight I think. I saw just how important safe words are and Master saw how something so small and innocent can trigger me. Thankfully it didn't cause a flashback and I am mostly okay right now. A little bit off and shaky and I can't sleep because I am thinking about some of the things from my past but at least I am not there reliving them like I usualy do.

Topping from the bottom (M/s)

Topping from the Bottom. Well this is a pet peeve of mine... a Pet peeve NOT becuase I particularly agree with the term or even the concept of it.... but because so many throw the term around as a label upon peoples behaviors that results in some sort of judgement that decrees the relationship and/or individuals is less or somehow deficienct for the behaviors they demonstrate. When a sub is Topping from the bottom within a D/s relationship I tend to think the problem lies with the Dom/me. D/s is about control and if you can't control your sub, you'll get the respect you deserve as a consequence. It's the sub's way of reminding each of their role

How many times have I heard these words used within the lifestlye. I see them on email lists, come acorss them on forums and hear them spoken about at munchs and other lifestyle events. Topping from the bottom seems to be one of the biggest insults a D type can give to an S type and persoanly I know quite a few S types that are now too afraid to ask their Master's for anything in case they are seen to be topping from the bottom.

The other day my ex told me that when we were together I use to top from the bottom quite often and that it use to really annoy him and made him not want to do anything with me. This hurt because I had tried so hard not to top from the bottom because in all honesty topping from the bottom is being the one in control I don't want to be the one in control. I know there were times with Tiny that I did top from the bottom, that I was passive aggressive and manipulated him to do the things to me that I wanted him to do. I wasn't getting my needs met in that relationship and so I did what ever I had to do to try and get them met including the dreaded topping from the bottom.

Since I have been with Master Aj I have found that i am so terrified of topping from the bottom that often I will ignore my needs and desires, will not mention them or ask for them or express them in any way because I don't want him to feel pressured and I don't want to feel as though he is doing something only because I asked for it. I am begining to learn now that I can ask for what I want or need and that its not topping from the bottom. It is expressing a desire and then leaving the choice of what to do about it up to my Master. Sometimes he will choose to fufil my request other times he will decide not too and I have to accept that. Asking for something is never topping from the bottom though manipulating and being passive agressive like I was with Tiny is.

I came across something today that made me stop and think about this whole topping from the bottom thing.

'Any good dominant simply will not be topped from the bottom. A dominant who uses this expression with his submissive or slave is not secure in his dominance, and he also insults her by implicitly denying who she is at her core. When a sub is Topping from the bottom within a D/s relationship I tend to think the problem lies with the Dom/me. D/s is about control and if you can't control your sub, you'll get the respect you deserve as a consequence. It's the sub's way of reminding each of their role' - Random collar me person

Yes I agree that sums it up completly for me. I topped from the bottom because other wise my needs were not met. I topped from the bottom because I needed to feel controlled and he was not controlling me.

Stress

I am so stressed at the moment. I have two exams and an assignment due next week and an exam and an assignment due the following week. On top of uni work we have less then two weeks before we have to be out of this house and so are running around like crazy to look at places and get applications in. We were only given just over two weeks notices of having to move so nobody can yell at me for leaving it until the last minute.

When it comes to study stuff yes a lot of it has been left to the last moment but only because I have been so sick for the last month. (miagrianes, CFS and toothache) Being sick has caused me to miss far too many classes and now I sit her madly trying to get on top of everything that I have missed so that I can pass my midsemester exams while stressing about having a roof over my head and worring about my relationships with people in my life such as Master, My mother, my ex and his new girlfriend.

Just for a little while I want all the stress to go away. I know that Master doing a hard, heavy scene with me would give me that stress release that I need but I worry that taking the time away from study at the moment will just end up stressing me out even more. Catch 22 situation.

Ra'anna

Master's Response

Girl, These issues arent about you, They are his insecurities, The reason he can do these things with his new girl, and not you is because she has nothing to compare them too. she thinks he is the best thing that has ever happen. Because you knew better going in, his confidence was down and he felt he was always trying to prove himself. On top of that now, he is trying to One up YOUR Master, to prove he is as good as I am .... Which we all know isnt the case. So dont worry about it, and think to yourself, out of this you have a new friend, and at least you will able to talk to her when she gets bored (Like she already is)

YOUR Master

More issues (M/s)

My issues about my ex and his new slave are gettng better, I am working hard at making them get better but sometimes things still get to me and I catch myself having to remind myself that it doesn't matter, that things are different now. Whats getting to me at the moment?
He has given her a slave name, it sounds so simple and silly to be upset aboug but I begged him for almost two years to give me a name and he couldn't do it. He is talking about collaring her as well and he could never to that with me yet in under a month with her he feels ready. Thry have been together for almost a month and she calls herself slave already and he Master, Nathan and I had been dating for two months before we had any type of real relationship and then I was just his girlfriend and someone who he played with when the mood hit him. We said we were 24/7it was a lie. After two years together he still wasn't ready to collar me, wasn't ready to make me his but after one month now he could do it? I just don't get it.
After long conversations with him I understand that when he was with me there were other issues going on in his life that he didn't discuss with me, I understand that he didn't feel ready to own a slave and couldn't take control of me but why a little over six months since we broke up are things so different? Why can he do now what he couldn't do then? Have things really changed in his life and in his way of thinking that much that he can do it now? What was it about me that made him unable to do it? I want to understand but I can't. I don't want this to get to me anymore.