Let me surrender

Lonely again and feeling the need/desire to be used again. To be tied up and played with, thrown on the bed and fucked and treated like the slave, slut and whore that I am. Take me, do what you want with me, use me for your pleasure, your amusement and just let me be all that I am. Let me lose myself to my submission for a little while, let there be nothing else in the world but you and your voice. Let me feel your hands on my body, the warmth of you near me just let me lose myself in you for just a little while. Let me feel the freedom that only comes from my submission and complete surrender of control.

A desire to be used

I'm feeling very alone tonight but I know that being alone is something that I have to get use to now. I've never liked being alone for too long its why I have always had housemates. Housemates make good company when you are alone though sometimes even when surrounded by people you can still feel alone. There are many things that can make one feel alone sometimes it is mental sometimes it is a physical thing. Tonight for me I think it is both. Tonight it is my desires, the things that I am craving that are making me feel alone and they make me feel alone because I know it will be a while before I can have those needs meet.

So what are those needs and desires? Right now I want for just one night to feel as though I belong to someone, as though there is nobody else in the world but me and them. I imagine myself kneeling at their feet with my head in their lap while they absent mindely stroke my hair. Just as I think I could go to sleep like that they grap me and pull me up my hair throwing me against the wall where they pin me with both their physical and mental strength and whisper words of dominance and control in my ear. I know that they have me and for this moment nothing else exists I am theirs to do what they wish with. They make me feel pain and pleasure, they bind me tight so that I can not run or push them away, I am gagged until my mouth is needed and a blindfold plunges my world in to darkness heightening their every touch and every sound. They push me to my limits but never crossing them. They play with my mind as much as my body under their touch, by their words I tremple in anticipation and desire nothing more then an object, nothing more then property a toy for their pleasure and when they are finished using me in every way they desire we drift of in to a peaceful fufilled satisfied sleep to dream our dreams of another play session some time in the future.

This is letting go

I feel that in two weeks I have made progress. Two weeks ago I couldn't call anyone but my Master Sir, I was bratty and rude and topped from the bottom all the time I was also miserable, unfufilled and frustrated at the lack of control from my Master and more then anything I wanted to be the slave that I know I am. Wanted to be with someone who could bring that out in me, who is proud of that side of me not ashamed and embaressed by it and that is where I now find myself.

Two weeks on I can happily (most of the time) call Teacher Sir, I am still ocassioanly bratty but not as a way to control him. Teacher has taught me to have respect for myself and to accept what I am and I am learning to trust and to give up control to him. Its hard for me to trust after what has happened in my past and I am so use to having to hold a little bit back to keep an eye on whats happening but i don't have to do that anymore.

Teacher scened with me last night and it was amazing and wonderful and I was able to let go and not hold back, able to let my mind go to that wonderful place where I am aware of my submission and where it feels like the most right and freeing thing in the universe. I trusted him, trusted that he would push me to far, wouldn't push my body to take more then it could handle and I am so glad I trusted him. I was in restraints and chain connected to the beam above me and bent over, vurarable to Teacher at that moment his to do what ever he wished with. I could hve stood up but I didn't because thats not how Teacher wanted me and all I was concerned about was pleasing him. Blindfolded not knowing what was coming next but all the time putting my complete trust in Teacher.

It was a powerful moment of self realization for me. A moment where I know this is what I am and know that I will not settle for just any Master, I want/need a Master that can take my mind, body and spirit. A Master that can see the beauty in his slaves complete surrender that can push and push until she is close to breaking point, until the tears are flowing and in that moment of complete surrender to everything know that he has his girl, his property and that she will do anything for him because he is Master.

I am glad that I have a Teacher, glad to be feeling what I am feeling but it is also hard for me as some times it feels like the thing I want most is being waved right under my nose and I can not reach out and take it. I asked Teacher last night if he could ever see me as being his and the answer I got was a yes perhaps one day but that for now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and be independant on my own. His right unless I know I can manage on my own, Unless I know I can stand on my own two feet my submission and surrender doesn't mean much at all. When I am a fully fuctioning person that chooses to be a slave because thats what I am to the very core of my being not because its something that I have to do to survive the world, not because I want/need a Master to hide behind then I will know that I am ready for a Master and only then will beg somebody to collar me that day could be years away or it could be weeks away only time will tell and for now I must content myself with what I have.

Willow

The situation

A new blog, a new start on many elements of my life and I don't know where to start or what to say right now. A week and a half ago my Master and I went our separte ways neither of us could give each other what each other needed both in our vanilla life and in our D/s lifestyle. We were more then just Master and slave though we were lovers and friends and were going to be married next year so it is a split that hurts and that will take some time to get over but even as I sit here typing this the wheel turns and I keep putting one foot in front of the other heading forward to where ever and what ever my life takes me. My life is a scary place for me right now. For the first time in a long time I find myself in a situation where I am single and can almost do what I want. Why do I say almost? because I find myself in a situation where I am wearing the training collar of a good Dom friend of mine. I follow his rules now, obey him and learn from him so that I may one day be a better slave for who ever ends up owning me - though a big part of me hopes that it is teacher that will end up owning me and the idea that it may be him that owns me makes it easier to give up control to him.

My last D/s relationship was not a good one, it wasv frustrating and a lot of the time felt futile and pointless. I resented him for not being the strong Master that I needed and that resentment frustrated him. He was arrogant and prideful and refused to seek help on anything or to ask anyone to teach him things that he wanted to know because of this I suffered and because of this I have some injurys that will take time to heal. Having been hurt in the past makes it harder to submit, makes it harder to lay there and let my trainer flogg or cane me, makes it harder to trust that the nipple clamps won't be left on two long or that ciculation wont be cut off if I am in bondage.

I am terrified of how easily i can submit to teacher, how easily I can hand over control to him and let him use me for things that I would usualy dig my heels in about or feel bad afterwards. He has made me feel more like a slave in the last week then anyone else has in years and you know what while it is scary and terrifing it also feels good to at last be able to be myself, to give up that control to submit to a Dom/Master who knows what he is doing.

The situation at the moment is that I wear his training collar and he trains me, when I am ready for a Master again he will help me find one that will suit my needs rather then me just going with the first Master that comes along and tells me they want to own me. As I said before though I could see myself as Teachers slave, see myself as his property wearing his collar kneeling at his feet and just being his and that scares me more then anything else.

Willowmoon