In bed Heaven (V)

Heaven is climbing into a bed that had brand new and freshly washed white eygyptan cotton 1000 thread count sheets on it when you yourself are just freshly showered and smell like soap.

Really these sheets are fantastic, smooth and soft yet unlike satin they breath which means they don't get too hot. Yay for after Christmas sales reducing them from $260 to $99. We got one new set and put a second on layby so I can change sheets every week without us having to use the yucky 250 thread count standard target sheets.

Hmm I'm turning into a bed snob and you know what? I don't care.

Trying out my iPhone.

A few weeks before Christmas master got us iPhones. For me an iPhone was one of those things that was on by wishlist that I thought I would never get so I was and still am so happy to have one.

I love my iPhone more and more each day, from making calls and sending sms's to checking email while I am out, planning our wedding, making to do lists, chatting to friendson man while sitting in the park, listening to meditations at night of reading ebooks and studying for exams. This one device really has changed my world and made it so easy to do everything I have to do or want to do. I can see lots of potential for it to help me be a better slave too like lists of what master needs me to do, keeping butler book and keeping track of our calenders as well as reading the gorBooks and other liteature in private.

Thank you master.

The silly season is well and truely here, christmas is a week away, the tree is up and there are presents all in pink and silver wrapping under it, the christmas day menu is finalised, guests invited. All that is left is to finish the chirstmas shopping. Thinking about chirstmas shopping got me thinking about what i want for chirstmas so here's my wish list both kinky and vanilla.

KITTEN (I've fallen in love with a rescue at the rspca and i'd love to wake up and be handed a box that i open to find a kitten with a blue or pink bow around its neck looking up at me)
Pandora bracelet
Anna Sui - Secret Wish - romance perfume
Prada travel atomiser perfume
Pink Miss A knife
Earrings

Butt plug with kitty tail attached
Pretty kitty/puppy bowl
Collar with engraved kitty tags
pink rope
bondage mittens
To be mummified and decorated with pink bondage tape
Pink satin armbinder trainer
Pink breast harness
fur flogger
slave floor pillow

Just trying to get my thoughts in order (M/s)

The little voices inside my head won't shut up. They keep screaming at me telling me that a real slave wouldn't do this, a true slave wouldn't do that and even thinking rationaly about it I kind of agree with them.

A real slave would clean the house and not allow her Master to come home to a pigsty.
A real slave would do the dishes even if she disliked doing them so that her Master didn't have too.
A real slave would make sure all the pets needs are taken care of and not ask her Master too.
A real slave would see to it that washing was done when needed and clothes were folded up and put away.
A real slave would ask to be of service each and every day.
A real slave should spend some time each and every day kneeling and serving with her attention focused solely on her Master, not serving around Tv shows or other hobbys.

Theres more thoughts then that but for now that will do I think theres no point listing it all over and over again.

I don't feel like a real or a true slave. I still sometimes think that our relationship is more vanilla then anything else because we spend so much time just being normal vanilla and doing normal vanilla. Days can go by where apart from the food rule everything in vanilla.

Things change for a short while sometimes just hours while we are 'playing' but once the scene is over things go back to 'normal' and I am tired of normal, I don't want to be normal, i am much happier when things are not vanilla, ironic that high protocol drives me insane some days but when its in place I feel the most at peace with myself and happy in myself and my status in the world.

I know that Adam can still hurt me and push me my limits, i know that he loves me and likes to make me happy and even despite that he can be strict on me but him being strict takes its toll on him and is not something he can keep up 24/7 (as much as somedays i wish he could)

A journey into pain (BDSM)

I kneel naked on the bed as you have ordered. One hundred percent bare not even a collar around my neck, I don't need the leather strip around my neck to know that I belong to you, that I am your property or the restraints to keep me where you want me, it is up to me to remain still, up to my will not to move away as you do what ever you wish to my naked flesh.

From the way you warm me up I am aware that this is going to be a longer session then usual, as you progress from one toy to the next working up the pain scale from sensual to starting to sting my mind begings to soar as I focus on the impact of the toys you are swinging at me, the beat of the music and my breathing.

You begin to paddle me and it hurts but I stay where you want me and deal with the pain, time both speeds up and slows down as I get lost in your world, there is only the beat of the music, the beat of the paddle, the beat of my breathing and the pain, time passes and suddenly it occurs to me that the pain has taken a backseat, I can still feel it but it is as if it is coming from far away, this actaully feels enjoyable, hang on a second pain is feeling good? I don't enjoy pain I just take it because I am the slave and its what you wish me to do, and with that thought the pain comes thundering back. I start to squirm, trying hard to keep still but it hurts so much I just want to get away from it.

Your voice hits me ordering me to sty still and to get back into position and i do. My breathing becomes fast and I almost panic as my brain screams that you are going near my past injury, then I realise that your hand is holding me firmly in place and at the same time blocking where the injury is so that the paddle never touches there. With that though I talk my breathing down and try to relax once again into it. Whack after whack falls and my goddess does it hurt but I have to much pride to beg you to stop so I bite my tonque and find something inside me telling me that I can deal with this. Thud, thud it keeps coming, harder and harder. Thoughts unbidden pass through my mind. 'What have I dont wrong Master? Why are you punishing me... don't you love me?... Don't you care... and tears well in my eyes but I hold them back away from you I will not cry and then wonders of wonders suddenly I realise that the pain is not there anymore and once again it is just me and the beat, it feels so good floating on the beat, i wish I could stay here all night.

Again my thoughts intrude reminding me that I don't like pain and of course with that thought the pain floods back and I can't hold the tears back anymore, i try to wiggle away and end up laying on my stomach still the paddle hits over and over again, my bottom feels like its on fire and still the pain comes over and again. I'm crying but you don't care about my tears you haven't even stopped to see if i'm okay, whack, whack, I'm crying and its still coming, thud ,thud i'm crying and... and shit I'm lyeing here just taking what you are giving me without begging it to stop, thud thud, i'm lyeing here and your ignoring my cries, whack, whack, i'm lying here crying and your not stopping and i'm not stopping you. A wall inside that I have held strong for such a long time falls down as the thought hits my mind that I'm lying here accepting what you are giving me and your not stopping even through my tears... I really am a slave and you really do own me. Suddenly the fear that you love me too much too treat me like a slave, the fear that you love me too much to really push my limits fades away and with it so does the pain. I am floating on the beat again, the thud of the paddle, the thud of the music and my breathing combine into a wonderous beat and I am enjoy it, i am floating on the beat the pain in the distance and then the pain comes back once more as you have stopped and the longest and hardest paddling you have ever given me is over.

I lay there my mind spinning as I try to figure out why it didn't hurt, why the pain keep going away and its not until later when you are talking to me about subspace and the fact that I must have hit it as least slighlty that it really hits me that yes for the first time in my life I hit real sub space and I liked it.

An update (M/s)

The last month I have been more social then I have over the past few months put together and you know what? It has been really nice to get out there and spend some time with fellow kinksters, from having fun at dracula's to parties or just a relaxed night sharing sharps skills it has been great. At last I feel I am starting to make kinky friends and no longer feel so alone in this kinky world. I enjoy spending time around people when I don't have to hide who I am, when nobody thinks anything of me kneeling down beside Master or addressing him as Sir. I've had a taste of a community and my goddess do I want more.

Don't get me wrong it hasn't all been smooth sailing. I got stuck in the middle of a shit fight about the under 35s group I started and had to deal with private flames and attitudes from some people at events that were anything but friendly but now that has all died now and I am feeling okay about the scene.

I joined Fetlife, when I first heard about Fetlife I didn't want to join up to yet another facebookisk site but I am now glad I did. Spending a little bit of time here either heading posts in the groups I am in or sending message to people I find interesting is helping me keep focused on that side of my life and not getting lost in the vanilla world like I do sometimes. Through fetlife I have had more contact with various people in my local scene and by reading their various posts and looking at some of their photos I have a feeling of knowing more who they are and what they are about which has made me more comfortable with them at partys.

The under 35s group is growing, we have a solid core base of about eight people who will attend events and that we enjoy hanging out with. We have spent a bit of time lately with some of these people and its good making some new friends. Master and I have found a potential casual play partner which we had been looking for a while for. She's young but has a good personaility and a good head on her shoulders, she is bi and switch so fits our requirements. We are looking at having our first scene with her tomorrow.

November was busy getting to know people within the scene, starting with a trip to Dracula's for Halloween followed by a party the next night then a munch for the under35s and lots of seeing people outside of schedualed events.

So thats a baisc update I guess its not time to focus a little bit on Master and I and whats going on there. We haven't played much lately as I have no been well, this is starting to depress me and causing me to lash out when Master does put his foot down and I am feeling like the worst slave in the world, wondering why he wants me and not a better slave that will serve him like a slave shoud. I don't deserve his patiance and kindness, i don't deserve a Master like he is but who am I to say what I deserve?

We have rules that we have gone over a few times and I am proving what a bad slave I am because I don't really follow them all that much, to be honest i forget them sometimes, I know they are there but they are not something that has been reenforced to the point of them being habit and I will admit sometimes I ignore them to see if Master remembers them and pulls me up on my mistake but usualy he doesn't and I get away with it. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers the rules he set down. Part of training me is suppose to be teaching me those rules but it hasn't really happened.

It seems the only rule I have not broken regularly is the one about playing with myself and thats because after the canning and bruises I wore for 10 days after it and the guilt every time i saw those bruises in the mirror something inside of me broke and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore, to be honest I can't even bring myself to climax even with permission if Master is not there with me bringing me to it himself.

For the most part I feel that we are vanilla with topping, the topping is those little rules i do follow from habit that have been enforced over and over again and are just a part of me and who I am. I do want things to be different, I do want to feel different. I'm going to go away and think about this and later today right another post on just what sort of slave i would like to become, perhaps if i do that it will help both Master and I see why i keep coming back to this issue of i'm not really a slave. I know that its not up to me to decide what kind of slave I would like to be so I hope that Master will do me a favor and write a little bit on what type of slave he wants in general, what type of life he wants to live, what he wants his slave to behave like in different situations, what tasks he wants her to preform and most importantly how he wants her to serve him on a regular basis.