Its been a long time since I have had a good long wax scene. I love wax play, the way it feels as it drips on to your skin or is pored on to your skin, the increasing heat and then at the end the way it feels when it is pulled away from the skin or when a cold blade is used to scrap it off. I love the way ice feels on my skin after the wax has been pulled off and love how raw and senestive my skin feels. The one downside with wax play is that sometimes it can get too hot and hard to handle very quickly. When using a candle if its too hot its easy for the Dom type person to just hold it higher when they do that the wax has cooled a little by the time it hits the skin.
I just came across this post on a forum I spent a fair amount of time on. The poster was someone I have spoken with quite a few times and really knows her stuff when there is a topic on the forum I look for her replys because she doesn't take any shit or live in a fantasy world like so many online do. She is a switch and understands both sides of the coin as well as being a wonderful and sexy woman. So here in her post on wax play.
Wax Play by Lucky Albatross
This is my general wax play design, easily modifiable if you want to include multiple people.
Supplies:
wax, long tip lighter, sheet or tarp, baby oil, knife, baby powder, blindfold, (if using a crock pot, ladle, spatula, paintbrush, any other spreading toys that look interesting)
In choosing the right wax for play - test a candle, on the bottom press your finger nail into the wax. If it is soft and moves away from your nail without cracking or piling up in little crumbles, then the wax will be the type for play.
Soy candles work well as they burn at low temps and the colours don't increase the heat by much at all.
Other wax can be coloured by adding a crayon or food dye (two or three drops at most) to the wax.
Get the wax:
Either two blocks of paraffin and two glassed church candles melted together in a crock pot, or just the church candles for easier transporting. I haven't noticed much temperature derivation using these types of candles, but white wax is harder to see where it falls and green tends to just look black on a person.
Start prep at least 2 hours before the scene by lighting the candles or starting the wax to melt. If the candles are cold, it will take longer and the wax won't melt as evenly.
Prep the area: Flat surface is necessary, a bondage or massage table usually works fine and is padded. Outside is nice because you don't have to worry about getting wax on anything. If you are on the floor, put a flannel sheet or comforter down first to keep things from being too cold.
Cover with an old sheet or tarp, and if you're off the floor, cover the area nearby as well. Wax will get everywhere!
Lay out all supplies beforehand, you don't want to have to leave burning candles or naked person alone too long.
Make sure your area is well-heated. Even though the wax will get them warm and give them a nice shell, when it comes off they will feel the cooler air.
Prep the people: Don't wear your good fetish gear! Again, wax will get everywhere. For the waxer, wear throw away clothes and/or an apron. For the waxee, get them naked and blindfolded. I like to have their focus totally on the wax sensations and you don't have to worry about wax splattering into eyes.
Lay them down on the surface, starting stomach down usually works best.
Start the scene: Start to connect with the bottom by massaging their skin, letting them relax into position and get used to your touch. Massage the baby oil onto their skin. Not only does this feel yummy, but prevents wax from painfully sticking to hair and makes it much easier to peel or scrape off. Once you're fully into the scene, you can get into the wax.
Waxing: I start generally about 18 inches above the persons skin. Get a good full layer all over their body. Be careful about dripping on the sides as the skin is more sensitive. Once you've established an initial layer, you can have more fun with sensations, bringing the wax lower or higher to build heat (the higher the wax, the more the splatter). You can paint the wax on, let it drip slowly or just wash it over them with a ladle. The feet are also lots of fun. On the stomach, be careful of the belly button. Sometimes it's good just to put a plug of wax in there or cover it with a cotton ball.
Removing wax: Wax is likely to still be slightly soft and pliable. If you're peeling the wax, getting as much in one motion is a very awesome feeling for the sub. Slowly start at the edges and pull up, gathering the wax as you go. If you scrape, just press down gently and pull towards the wax and down. There's always a few drips and splatters to scrape off. If you've used oil, it should come off fairly easily.
Don't try to get off every piece of wax- a good shower will do the best job at that.
After the wax: Once you've removed the wax, sprinkle babypowder all over the skin. The skin is very sensitive at this point and the cool softness of the powder feels like rose petals just falling down. You can rub the powder in and smooth over the skin. This will help dry off some of the oil as well. If you want to reuse your sheet, put it in the freezer to freeze the wax, take it outside and get as much as you can off by shaking or pulling it. Then toss in the washer and drier to remove the rest.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Needs (M/s)
Perhaps I am being to girly or too much of a hopeless romantic but I am kind of a little upset that nothing about mine and Masters relationship has been normal. We didn't have a first date just realised one night while laying in bed that we were in a relationship and not just housemates.
He gave me his collar on Sunday which was fantastic but now in hindsight some things are bothering me. To me some things should be special/have special moments made out of them and offering/accepting a collar is one of those things. There should be some sort of ritual about it, some formaility about it. Questions should be asked such as Do you want to be my slave? What do you have to offer/bring as my slave? Do you accept this collar? but no questions were asked rather Master just placed it around my neck and then told me that I was his girl now, his property. What if I hadn't wanted it? What if I wasn't ready for it? I know that I wanted it more then anything else and I know that he knew that but I also wanted it to be a special moment to remember, something romantic. In my mind I had imagined a big scene where Master questioned me and then tested me so that I really felt I had earnt it. In my mind he flogged me hard, to the point where I was reaching my limit on flogging then tied me up, screwed me, played with me, pushed my limits until I thought I couldn't take anymore and at that point offered me his collar because I had earnt it. I have done nothing in the last month or so to earn it, I barely serve him, he hasn't had a chance to really teach me how he wants to be served or any of that and now I am collared to him and feeling like a fake because I didn't earn it. I don't want to upset Master so I haven't told him all this. Perhaps I was being to girly and had built it up too much in my mind much like a girl building up being proposed to in their minds.
I don't feel like we are really living a 24/7 lifestyle at the moment. Master had just started a new job and we have just moved in to a share house with some friends. We can still live our lifestyle here but it feels like we are not, feels like we are just doing little tiny bits of it, playing some game. There was a thread on the forums a while ago about rituals and rules and if the slave asked for them then she was topping from the bottom and the fact that lists of rules and rituals are things that the slave tends to care about a lot more then the Master made it that by asking for them she was topping from the bottom. I don't agree with this. I ask for rules because they let me know what is expected of me and I like ritual because it assits me in making the transition from normal vanilla daily life to slave space.
Right now I think that Master and I need to go over the rules again, I need to do my best to obey them and he needs to enforce them when I stuff up. I would also like if we could come up with some rituals to asisst us in making that switch in our thinking. I beleive that if we make more effort like this that we will both feel more satisfied as Master/slave and that I won't feel like a fake anymore when I tell people that I am slave 24/7. I left my last relationship because my needs were not being met and I really don't want this to get to that point again. I love Master and don't want to have to ask for release but I also need to be a slave not just someone who plays/scenes every so often. I need to be made to do things even when I don't want too or won't enjoy them, I need Master to be firm with me, to teach me what he wants in a slave and to accept that there will be times when things are hard for me but this does not mean stop.
Perhaps he is having problems with the Dom side of things and i am just not seeing it, I know work can get in the way and make life very vanilla but in the begining when he was working for telstra and was my trainer life was far from vanilla. Somehow we always found the energy and time to play (scenes two or three times a week sometimes more) and in daily life I knew my place. I really miss that life. Perhaps that can only ever happen right at the begining of a relationship. It seems as time goes on and feelings develop into love the relationship grows more vanilla.
He gave me his collar on Sunday which was fantastic but now in hindsight some things are bothering me. To me some things should be special/have special moments made out of them and offering/accepting a collar is one of those things. There should be some sort of ritual about it, some formaility about it. Questions should be asked such as Do you want to be my slave? What do you have to offer/bring as my slave? Do you accept this collar? but no questions were asked rather Master just placed it around my neck and then told me that I was his girl now, his property. What if I hadn't wanted it? What if I wasn't ready for it? I know that I wanted it more then anything else and I know that he knew that but I also wanted it to be a special moment to remember, something romantic. In my mind I had imagined a big scene where Master questioned me and then tested me so that I really felt I had earnt it. In my mind he flogged me hard, to the point where I was reaching my limit on flogging then tied me up, screwed me, played with me, pushed my limits until I thought I couldn't take anymore and at that point offered me his collar because I had earnt it. I have done nothing in the last month or so to earn it, I barely serve him, he hasn't had a chance to really teach me how he wants to be served or any of that and now I am collared to him and feeling like a fake because I didn't earn it. I don't want to upset Master so I haven't told him all this. Perhaps I was being to girly and had built it up too much in my mind much like a girl building up being proposed to in their minds.
I don't feel like we are really living a 24/7 lifestyle at the moment. Master had just started a new job and we have just moved in to a share house with some friends. We can still live our lifestyle here but it feels like we are not, feels like we are just doing little tiny bits of it, playing some game. There was a thread on the forums a while ago about rituals and rules and if the slave asked for them then she was topping from the bottom and the fact that lists of rules and rituals are things that the slave tends to care about a lot more then the Master made it that by asking for them she was topping from the bottom. I don't agree with this. I ask for rules because they let me know what is expected of me and I like ritual because it assits me in making the transition from normal vanilla daily life to slave space.
Right now I think that Master and I need to go over the rules again, I need to do my best to obey them and he needs to enforce them when I stuff up. I would also like if we could come up with some rituals to asisst us in making that switch in our thinking. I beleive that if we make more effort like this that we will both feel more satisfied as Master/slave and that I won't feel like a fake anymore when I tell people that I am slave 24/7. I left my last relationship because my needs were not being met and I really don't want this to get to that point again. I love Master and don't want to have to ask for release but I also need to be a slave not just someone who plays/scenes every so often. I need to be made to do things even when I don't want too or won't enjoy them, I need Master to be firm with me, to teach me what he wants in a slave and to accept that there will be times when things are hard for me but this does not mean stop.
Perhaps he is having problems with the Dom side of things and i am just not seeing it, I know work can get in the way and make life very vanilla but in the begining when he was working for telstra and was my trainer life was far from vanilla. Somehow we always found the energy and time to play (scenes two or three times a week sometimes more) and in daily life I knew my place. I really miss that life. Perhaps that can only ever happen right at the begining of a relationship. It seems as time goes on and feelings develop into love the relationship grows more vanilla.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Lessons in latex (BDSM)
Lesson learnt for the day at the expense of a subbie friend of mine. LATEX IS NOT AN EVERYDAY WEAR THING.
The poor girl had a fantasy - Latex is so sexy and yummy surely it would be nice to own a few pieces. Her Master gave her a box of latex things for V day - panties, gloves, skirt, bra, crotchless panties and a garter belt. Later in conversation she mentioned how something he had been making her do that she hated in the beginning she now liked (wear heels, stockings and skirt everyday) so her lovely but inexperienced Master decided to order her to wear latex everyday... hmmm not a good idea. The only piece that doesn't show under her work clothes in the panties and well latex doesn't really breath so well so I am sure you can imagine the result. Heres what she had to say...
I've gone from thinking about latex wear as sexy and slutty, to seeing it for what it really is - nasty, dirty, sweaty and chafing torture devices. And not in the positive sense of "torture". It's just gross all around. I am NOT feeling sexy, naughty and all that - I just feel g-r-o-s-s.
So, issues with the latex -
1. For reasons of practicality, I can only wear the panties under my work clothes. Everything else either shows or is way too hot. I'm in Orlando, so even in February it's warm.
2. I sweat. It's icky.
3. After three days in a row last week, my personal bits were about to rebel. I won't go into detail (TMI), but I know that long hours of wearing of latex down there is not healthy.
4. GAS. All I'm going to say. Latex panties may look sexy, but they're NOT.
5. They chafe.
I hate to be negative about His gift, but omg I think of Him every time I pass gas now. Why? Because it is hard to deal with, so I think "Well, wearing this makes Him happy" every time it happens because it helps me deal with it. So now I associate farting with my Dom. NOT the intention He had in mind, I'm sure.
The poor girl had a fantasy - Latex is so sexy and yummy surely it would be nice to own a few pieces. Her Master gave her a box of latex things for V day - panties, gloves, skirt, bra, crotchless panties and a garter belt. Later in conversation she mentioned how something he had been making her do that she hated in the beginning she now liked (wear heels, stockings and skirt everyday) so her lovely but inexperienced Master decided to order her to wear latex everyday... hmmm not a good idea. The only piece that doesn't show under her work clothes in the panties and well latex doesn't really breath so well so I am sure you can imagine the result. Heres what she had to say...
I've gone from thinking about latex wear as sexy and slutty, to seeing it for what it really is - nasty, dirty, sweaty and chafing torture devices. And not in the positive sense of "torture". It's just gross all around. I am NOT feeling sexy, naughty and all that - I just feel g-r-o-s-s.
So, issues with the latex -
1. For reasons of practicality, I can only wear the panties under my work clothes. Everything else either shows or is way too hot. I'm in Orlando, so even in February it's warm.
2. I sweat. It's icky.
3. After three days in a row last week, my personal bits were about to rebel. I won't go into detail (TMI), but I know that long hours of wearing of latex down there is not healthy.
4. GAS. All I'm going to say. Latex panties may look sexy, but they're NOT.
5. They chafe.
I hate to be negative about His gift, but omg I think of Him every time I pass gas now. Why? Because it is hard to deal with, so I think "Well, wearing this makes Him happy" every time it happens because it helps me deal with it. So now I associate farting with my Dom. NOT the intention He had in mind, I'm sure.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Collared (M/s)
Life moves and changes sometimes in little ways sometimes in much bigger ways. My life has done a lot of moving and changing in the last six months but I am glad for the changes, I have learnt a lot in that six months, I have learnt to stand up for myself, I have learnt that its okay to be independant even though I am a slave. I have learnt that I often misjudge myself and my abilitys and that I am a much stronger person then I often give myself credit for. I have learnt that I can be loved without having to earn love, I have learnt that I can love and give myself to someone and that the fear of getting hurt can go away.
Yes being loved and giving myself to someone is a wonderful thing. What is more wonderful is hearing Master telling me that I am his girl now, that I belong to him and that he loves me. Yesterday he collared me which means that I no longer wear his consideration collar, now I am his for real and I know that his not just going to get rid of me. When he locked the collar around my neck it felt so good and so overwhelming that I coulnd't find the words I wanted to say and Master thought that I wasn't happy. I am happy infact more then happy but the act of him locking a collar on me sent me so far in to my slave mind that I couldn't string words together to express how I felt. It felt so good and so right and still does today. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so loved and wanted.
Yes being loved and giving myself to someone is a wonderful thing. What is more wonderful is hearing Master telling me that I am his girl now, that I belong to him and that he loves me. Yesterday he collared me which means that I no longer wear his consideration collar, now I am his for real and I know that his not just going to get rid of me. When he locked the collar around my neck it felt so good and so overwhelming that I coulnd't find the words I wanted to say and Master thought that I wasn't happy. I am happy infact more then happy but the act of him locking a collar on me sent me so far in to my slave mind that I couldn't string words together to express how I felt. It felt so good and so right and still does today. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so loved and wanted.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Life Changes (V)
Wow what can I say about the last few days? Not much really as I am still trying to get my head around it all. Shit broke out on Tuesday night about food of all things though it got bigger and blew up from there and for Master and I it really was the last straw. As soon as I woke up Wednesday morning I picked up my study bag threw some clothes in another bag and left detertimined that I would never go back to that house again. Truth be told I was willing to leave Master and move to Melbourne or Townesville if thats what was needed for me to have a roof over my head thankfully it didn't come to that and I sorted out somewhere for Master and I to move in too - My old home and currently the home of my closest friends so thats where I am now.
Unfortuantly Master is still back at the old place as his 'sister' guessed that we were moving out and lost it big time at him. He told me some of the things she said and they seem mostly to revolve around how bad I am for him, how he is my puppet (If only she really knew what sort of relationship we have and anyway Brad is more her puppet then I have ever seen someone be a puppet before talk about the pot calling the kettle) how I was only using him for his payout (hmmm funny that he had to fight with me almost everytime he wanted to buy me something because I didn't want him spending that money on me) Apprently I am a liar and what ever else she had to say that Master hasn't repeated back to me. Yes I am upset about all of this, a lot more then I am showing at the moment as I feel that I have to lock it all away so that I can focus on my exam preparation. I know that I tried my best, I know that I did what I could to give her advice, to support her when she was having a bad time, to help her around the house and with her son and to just be there as a friend but somewhere along the line she decided I was the worst person in the world and a liar and that hurts when I tried so hard to make it all work.
So anyway Master said some things back, told her partner the truth about her wanting to leave him and she stormed out. Somewhere in their conversation it was said that I am not welcome in her house anymore and thats fine with me because I never want to go there again. On Tuesday night I almost killed myself because she had pushed an old trigger in me, I managed to get through that urge but its going to be a while before I find my balance point again.
The good news out of it all though is that Master and I have a much healthier environment to live in and a house where we can play when ever we want regardless of if anyone else is home or not because the other two people that live in the house both have kinky sides of their own. I can start eating the way like to eat again as well as being able to cut out the foods that I am not meant to be eating such as wheat, dairy and soy.
Unfortuantly Master is still back at the old place as his 'sister' guessed that we were moving out and lost it big time at him. He told me some of the things she said and they seem mostly to revolve around how bad I am for him, how he is my puppet (If only she really knew what sort of relationship we have and anyway Brad is more her puppet then I have ever seen someone be a puppet before talk about the pot calling the kettle) how I was only using him for his payout (hmmm funny that he had to fight with me almost everytime he wanted to buy me something because I didn't want him spending that money on me) Apprently I am a liar and what ever else she had to say that Master hasn't repeated back to me. Yes I am upset about all of this, a lot more then I am showing at the moment as I feel that I have to lock it all away so that I can focus on my exam preparation. I know that I tried my best, I know that I did what I could to give her advice, to support her when she was having a bad time, to help her around the house and with her son and to just be there as a friend but somewhere along the line she decided I was the worst person in the world and a liar and that hurts when I tried so hard to make it all work.
So anyway Master said some things back, told her partner the truth about her wanting to leave him and she stormed out. Somewhere in their conversation it was said that I am not welcome in her house anymore and thats fine with me because I never want to go there again. On Tuesday night I almost killed myself because she had pushed an old trigger in me, I managed to get through that urge but its going to be a while before I find my balance point again.
The good news out of it all though is that Master and I have a much healthier environment to live in and a house where we can play when ever we want regardless of if anyone else is home or not because the other two people that live in the house both have kinky sides of their own. I can start eating the way like to eat again as well as being able to cut out the foods that I am not meant to be eating such as wheat, dairy and soy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Food (V)
I don't really have much of interest to say goodnight. Right now I am tired, hungry and annoyed and Master is annoyed too. What has annoyed us once again is our housemates lack of consideration. They have gone out somewhere we don't know when they will be back and there is nothing in the house for dinner. I know this sounds petty and to anyone reading it they would be thinking well go and buy something but its not that simple. We pay food money with our rent and our house mate does the shopping, I have offered to do it but she is such a control freak that she won't let me, goddes forbid that I would actaully use the money on healthy food rather then junk. We would go out and buy ourselfs something to eat however we are broke until Friday not to mention we shouldn't have to go and buy extra food when we already pay for food, hell we already end up buying ourselves lunch stuff and dinner a few times a week, often because she has bought fish and not got me anything when she knows that I am alergic to fish so its either have a potatoe for dinner (Not kidding this has happened a few times now that all I have had for dinner in potatoe) Theres no use trying to talk to her about it we have done that multiple times and there is always some excuse why its not done and nothing is ever fixed
Monday, February 11, 2008
The difference between Master and slave (V, M/s)
I'm stressed, so stressed right now that I just broke down in to tears over my favorite pen running out of ink. Okay so it wasn't really the ink that was just the straw that broke the slaves back. I have a big exam in less then a week and feel no where near ready for it. I have had too miss two classes due to not being very well and have not been able to find time, motivation or anywhere o study at home. If I went in to the exam tomorrow I know full well that I would fail it. I don't know how to do the stuff indepenatly without my notes next to me. There is so much to remember right now, six weeks of classes that i have had to learn and remember in two weeks, thats not even enough time for the new material to make it in to long term memory. Is it any wonder that I am stressed?
I know that Master has his own stressed with starting work and I know that he is tired but right now I just don't feel very supported. My whole body is aching, I woke up with the worst back ache that I have had in months and it only got worse as the day went on until right now it hurts to move. I need a massage but don't want to ask Master for one as everytime I ask him for one I feel that he doesn't really want to give me one but just wants to get me off hisback. Right now it would be nice for him to come in and just offer one of his own back because he loves me and knows that I am stressed and not coping.
I know I am the slave and its my job to do things for my Master not the other way around but right now I can't help but think it would be nice for him to offer to do something for me. I know his tired but so am I and I still offered and made him a coffee, fixed his drink bottle for his lunch tomorrow and am about to go and make his lunch for tomorrow.
I guess thats the difference between Master and slave, even when the slave is tired it is still her job to make sure the Master has everything he needs, is comfortable and doesn't want for anything. She still has to do her duties regardless of how she is feeling. When a Master is tired all he has to do is sit there and be waited on by his slave, anything he needs all he has to do is ask and he will receive. He doesn't have to do anything and can just relax. Sometimes I think that those with the slave mindset/desires really did draw the short straw in life.
I know that Master has his own stressed with starting work and I know that he is tired but right now I just don't feel very supported. My whole body is aching, I woke up with the worst back ache that I have had in months and it only got worse as the day went on until right now it hurts to move. I need a massage but don't want to ask Master for one as everytime I ask him for one I feel that he doesn't really want to give me one but just wants to get me off hisback. Right now it would be nice for him to come in and just offer one of his own back because he loves me and knows that I am stressed and not coping.
I know I am the slave and its my job to do things for my Master not the other way around but right now I can't help but think it would be nice for him to offer to do something for me. I know his tired but so am I and I still offered and made him a coffee, fixed his drink bottle for his lunch tomorrow and am about to go and make his lunch for tomorrow.
I guess thats the difference between Master and slave, even when the slave is tired it is still her job to make sure the Master has everything he needs, is comfortable and doesn't want for anything. She still has to do her duties regardless of how she is feeling. When a Master is tired all he has to do is sit there and be waited on by his slave, anything he needs all he has to do is ask and he will receive. He doesn't have to do anything and can just relax. Sometimes I think that those with the slave mindset/desires really did draw the short straw in life.
Introspection and thoughts on tensions at home and myself (V)
I'm tired today but thats not a big surprise considering I had class this morning and slept badly last night. I got home this afternoon and decided to try and just have a friendly conversation with one of my house mates Lybbie, things have been tense there since we had some issues last week. She kind of carried on a tense conversation with me one of those one sided things where getting anything meaningful is like getting water out of a stone. She mentioned while I was talking to her that she thinks that Brad and I need to talk. Now the way she said it implied that Brad has a problem with me and she wants us to sort it out. Okay so yes all four of us has issues last week but I said one thing and one thing only. I said that her child nicknamed squid was out of control and of course this was not taken too well and from what I can tell and have been told upset her and Brad.
I know that there were better ways I could have said it and that they must have felt that I was making a personal attack on them but thats so far from the truth. I was frustrated as squid had spent hours throwing tantrums and throws tantrums most days. To me this is out of control. I didn't mean it as a personal attack but just wanted them to begin to do something to fix his behavior. I was tired after uni, sick and grumpy that night and I think most of us were tired. To me now in hindsight it seems like such a minor thing that I just want us all to get over and move on but it doesn't look like that will happen.
I have been told in the past by this couple that I have to have a thought about everything, that I always have to be right and that I make other people feel bad and not want to talk to me because they feel like no matter what they say to me I know better. Of course I have thoughts on everything don't we all? and in a discussion you share your thoughts on things if the topic comes up right? Okay I will be honest I know that I can get a bee in my bonnet about some things and if I am 100% sure of something I hate it when someone corrects me and tells me that I am wrong. In those situations (they are usually related either to something I am studying or something that is a hobby/interest of mine) I do tend to not listen to what someone else is saying because I feel that I know better and I will often go out of my way to get proof that I was right and they were wrong. I know this is one of my worst traits and I know it annoys people so I try and catch myself when I realize that I am doing it. The things that have been spoken about in this house that they are annoyed at my attitude tend to be things to do with health care of nutrition and I get annoyed that they won't listen to me when I have worked in the industry, am studying in the industry and have a lot of personal experience in the industry.
Since that day last November when I was told those things I have shut down a lot, not just when I am home but also when I am with my friends. Nathan and Cameron have both commented that I am quieter then I use to be and that I don't tend to share as much or join in conversations as much anymore, I tend to only put my ideas forward when it is something that is important or when I am asked a direct question other then that I sit back and just observe the conversation flowing around me. Its lonely living life this way and sometimes it makes me want to just avoid doing anything with anybody but it is easier then upsetting people I care about and so it is a sacrifice I make.
I got on to talking about me not talking when I was meaning to talk about something else. What I was going to say is that I don't feel Brad and Lybbie like me, I feel as though they only accept me because I am with Adam and would much prefer that I not be around. I try to show an interest in their life, ask them how they are, how there day/weekend has been, how their hobbies are going and get barely any feedback and I am starting to get frustrated that they show no interest in my life as friends usually would do. They never ask how uni is, or how my day was so why should I bother trying to be friends with them?
From now on I think that I will just attempt to keep the relationship with them to one of house mates not friends. I will be civil and polite, clean up after myself and try to impact there life as little as possible. It won't be long now until we move out of here and then things will be much nicer for me in my home situation but the question is will I ever go back to being the Jen that my friends know, the girl who is always happy to share who thoughts without prompting... to be honest I don't think I will. I think that there is a small scar somewhere deep inside that has changed me and made me a different person and this is one of those differences between the old Jen and the new Jen.
I know that there were better ways I could have said it and that they must have felt that I was making a personal attack on them but thats so far from the truth. I was frustrated as squid had spent hours throwing tantrums and throws tantrums most days. To me this is out of control. I didn't mean it as a personal attack but just wanted them to begin to do something to fix his behavior. I was tired after uni, sick and grumpy that night and I think most of us were tired. To me now in hindsight it seems like such a minor thing that I just want us all to get over and move on but it doesn't look like that will happen.
I have been told in the past by this couple that I have to have a thought about everything, that I always have to be right and that I make other people feel bad and not want to talk to me because they feel like no matter what they say to me I know better. Of course I have thoughts on everything don't we all? and in a discussion you share your thoughts on things if the topic comes up right? Okay I will be honest I know that I can get a bee in my bonnet about some things and if I am 100% sure of something I hate it when someone corrects me and tells me that I am wrong. In those situations (they are usually related either to something I am studying or something that is a hobby/interest of mine) I do tend to not listen to what someone else is saying because I feel that I know better and I will often go out of my way to get proof that I was right and they were wrong. I know this is one of my worst traits and I know it annoys people so I try and catch myself when I realize that I am doing it. The things that have been spoken about in this house that they are annoyed at my attitude tend to be things to do with health care of nutrition and I get annoyed that they won't listen to me when I have worked in the industry, am studying in the industry and have a lot of personal experience in the industry.
Since that day last November when I was told those things I have shut down a lot, not just when I am home but also when I am with my friends. Nathan and Cameron have both commented that I am quieter then I use to be and that I don't tend to share as much or join in conversations as much anymore, I tend to only put my ideas forward when it is something that is important or when I am asked a direct question other then that I sit back and just observe the conversation flowing around me. Its lonely living life this way and sometimes it makes me want to just avoid doing anything with anybody but it is easier then upsetting people I care about and so it is a sacrifice I make.
I got on to talking about me not talking when I was meaning to talk about something else. What I was going to say is that I don't feel Brad and Lybbie like me, I feel as though they only accept me because I am with Adam and would much prefer that I not be around. I try to show an interest in their life, ask them how they are, how there day/weekend has been, how their hobbies are going and get barely any feedback and I am starting to get frustrated that they show no interest in my life as friends usually would do. They never ask how uni is, or how my day was so why should I bother trying to be friends with them?
From now on I think that I will just attempt to keep the relationship with them to one of house mates not friends. I will be civil and polite, clean up after myself and try to impact there life as little as possible. It won't be long now until we move out of here and then things will be much nicer for me in my home situation but the question is will I ever go back to being the Jen that my friends know, the girl who is always happy to share who thoughts without prompting... to be honest I don't think I will. I think that there is a small scar somewhere deep inside that has changed me and made me a different person and this is one of those differences between the old Jen and the new Jen.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Want. (M/s)
I'm feeling better today though to be honest I still feel as though I am not a very good person or a very good slave/partner. My self confidance seems to have vanished and I don't know where it went, perhaps it ran away at the same time that passion ran away.
Don't mind me i'm just feeling a little bitter and resentful at the moment. With all the arguments that Master and I have had of late we have not had much intimate time, no playing/scenes and not even make up sex. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong that he never seems to want to do more then just kiss me these days. Is it that I really am that bad person that I think I am? I miss passion, I miss dominance over me and I really really don't want to have to top from the bottom and ask for it but if I don't ask for it how do I get my needs met?
Right now I am craving his dominance over me, I want to feel it emotionaly and physicaly. Want to feel him hold me down and assert his authority over me, want to hear the tone in his voice that puts me in to slave space with very little effort. Want him to tie me up and use me for his pleasure regardless of mine and then just leave me there ready and waiting for him and what ever he wishes to do to me. I want him to make me kneel in submission and really feel the slave side of me. I want so much and feel so bad about wanting at all.
Willow
Don't mind me i'm just feeling a little bitter and resentful at the moment. With all the arguments that Master and I have had of late we have not had much intimate time, no playing/scenes and not even make up sex. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong that he never seems to want to do more then just kiss me these days. Is it that I really am that bad person that I think I am? I miss passion, I miss dominance over me and I really really don't want to have to top from the bottom and ask for it but if I don't ask for it how do I get my needs met?
Right now I am craving his dominance over me, I want to feel it emotionaly and physicaly. Want to feel him hold me down and assert his authority over me, want to hear the tone in his voice that puts me in to slave space with very little effort. Want him to tie me up and use me for his pleasure regardless of mine and then just leave me there ready and waiting for him and what ever he wishes to do to me. I want him to make me kneel in submission and really feel the slave side of me. I want so much and feel so bad about wanting at all.
Willow
Saturday, February 9, 2008
So very sad (V)
The last few days have been very up down going from being happy and laughing one moment to sad and crying the next, its a cycle that keeps repeating itself and I honestly don't know why. Master and I keep seeming to get into arguments and fighting and it is really upsetting me and making me cry more then I have cried in a long time. Its over litte things mostly but everytime we argue it feels like a knife digging in to my heart and makes me deeply sad. I just want the tension and the arguments to stop, I just want to be happy and serve my Master.
Right now I don't know why he would want me or why he loves me, I feel like all I do is cause problems, like I am a really bad person that doesn't deserve to be here. Master may say that I am being silly but this is how I feel right now. He tells me that he loves me because I am caring, he tells me he loves me because most of the time I am obediant. He tells me that the slave doesn't need to know why Master loves her and why he wants her and now I feel worse because right at the moment I do need to know. When ever we fight or discuss it afterwards I feel as though they are all my fault. I feel as though I can't say or do anything right and like any time I open my mouth I am going to say the wrong thing. It might just be easier if I say nothing at all and live a silent life or perhaps easier if i just go away and live on my own somewhere that people don't have to be subjected to the bad person that I am.
In the past I have had a problem with self harm, my body bares many scars of this past. Right now for the first time in about a year I am urging badly to hurt myself. Urging to see the blood and feel the pain as I cut myself. To feel the release that I only feel when I hurt myself and see that blood but can not explain the feeling of release to anyone else. I can't do it though, can't hurt myself again when I have been doing so well, can't hurt myself again and dissapoint the people that for some strange unknown reason care about me and my well being. I can't stand the dissapointment I see in their eyes when they see fresh cuts and I don't think I could handle dissapointing Master like that. So right now all I can do is lay here and cry and do my best to resist that urge that I thought I had at last mastered.
Willow
Right now I don't know why he would want me or why he loves me, I feel like all I do is cause problems, like I am a really bad person that doesn't deserve to be here. Master may say that I am being silly but this is how I feel right now. He tells me that he loves me because I am caring, he tells me he loves me because most of the time I am obediant. He tells me that the slave doesn't need to know why Master loves her and why he wants her and now I feel worse because right at the moment I do need to know. When ever we fight or discuss it afterwards I feel as though they are all my fault. I feel as though I can't say or do anything right and like any time I open my mouth I am going to say the wrong thing. It might just be easier if I say nothing at all and live a silent life or perhaps easier if i just go away and live on my own somewhere that people don't have to be subjected to the bad person that I am.
In the past I have had a problem with self harm, my body bares many scars of this past. Right now for the first time in about a year I am urging badly to hurt myself. Urging to see the blood and feel the pain as I cut myself. To feel the release that I only feel when I hurt myself and see that blood but can not explain the feeling of release to anyone else. I can't do it though, can't hurt myself again when I have been doing so well, can't hurt myself again and dissapoint the people that for some strange unknown reason care about me and my well being. I can't stand the dissapointment I see in their eyes when they see fresh cuts and I don't think I could handle dissapointing Master like that. So right now all I can do is lay here and cry and do my best to resist that urge that I thought I had at last mastered.
Willow
Thursday, February 7, 2008
No play yet again (M/s)
Again we were going to play tonight, again our housemates have stuffed that up, well actaully our housemates 9 year old child who also happens to be the Master of this house for all intents and purposes, what he wants happens and if it doesn't his tantrums make sure it does. His parents don't know how to control him and get the shits with us if we dark suggest that he is out of control (which he is)
There is a light in sight however and I know that within the next month or so Master and I will be out of here. So yeah again no play tonight and its neither Master's or my fault. It makes me little sad though as he starts work next week which means our normal playtime during the day when nobody is home will go bye bye. I guess this is the real world though not the fantasy 24/7 that so many live in.
There is a light in sight however and I know that within the next month or so Master and I will be out of here. So yeah again no play tonight and its neither Master's or my fault. It makes me little sad though as he starts work next week which means our normal playtime during the day when nobody is home will go bye bye. I guess this is the real world though not the fantasy 24/7 that so many live in.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
No play again (M/s V)
Posting because I have too not because I want too. Not much is happening at the moment. Master and I have decided that we are going to save some money by moving in with two of our friends that way we can get a nice house not just a crappy apartment. My best friend and I are planning an overseas trip for the end of year unfortuantly it doesn't look as though Master will be able to join us as he will have to work. The idea of going away without him makes me sad and the idea of going away on a trip that he is helping me pay for without him makes me feel extremly guilty. He tells me that he wants me to go, that he wants me to have a good time and that he won't let me back out of it as I need to experience the world but I know he is sad at the idea of me going away and I wouldn't hesitate to guess that he is also a little envious of it. I just hope that it doesn't cause problems between us as the trip draws closer.
We were suppose to play tonight. Master told me this afternoon that he had planned something that we could do even if people were still awake. Unfortuantly it is now almost midnight and I have to get up for uni in the morning so it doesn't look s though we are going to play. I am feeling dissapointed about that as it has been something I have been looking forward to all day, right down to wearing a gstring today because a gstring makes me feel sexy and submissive and I wanted to be in the right frame of mind for Master, I even had a shower and used the body wash that makes me feel sexy and lights my spark so to speak. Now I have to deal with this dissapointment and try hard not to get angry at the person who's fault it is. Who's fault for the delay in play? Master's sister she made a comment about us moving in with my ex which really got to Master and has thrown him off completly.
Willow
We were suppose to play tonight. Master told me this afternoon that he had planned something that we could do even if people were still awake. Unfortuantly it is now almost midnight and I have to get up for uni in the morning so it doesn't look s though we are going to play. I am feeling dissapointed about that as it has been something I have been looking forward to all day, right down to wearing a gstring today because a gstring makes me feel sexy and submissive and I wanted to be in the right frame of mind for Master, I even had a shower and used the body wash that makes me feel sexy and lights my spark so to speak. Now I have to deal with this dissapointment and try hard not to get angry at the person who's fault it is. Who's fault for the delay in play? Master's sister she made a comment about us moving in with my ex which really got to Master and has thrown him off completly.
Willow
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
On waiting for punishment (M/s)
Dom's/Master's just don't understand how a sub/slave feels when they have done something wrong and/or dissapointed their Master. Think back to being a child and getting a bad report card or having to go home to tell your parents you failed a test. Your stomach twisted in knots, you felt as though there was a lead weight in the bit of your stomach and you felt like you were going to be sick. Emotionaly you were a mess, would they yell at you? Would they punish you? Were you a bad person? Perhaps it was easier to just not tell them but if you did that they would find out anyway as if you didn't take back a signed note to the teacher the teacher would call them. Its just like that for me as a slave when I have done something wrong or dissapointed Master. Its not just an emotional reaction of guilt, worthlessness, sadness and dissapointment but has physical components that take over the whole body.
What makes it worse is when a Master takes time to deal with it, when they leave you stewing in your own juices so to speak for a day or more perfore informing you of the discipline they are givng you. I know that some Master's/Dom type people take time before discplining a slave/sub type so that the s type can really think about what they have done wrong and that can often be part of the discipline/punishment itself, however do the Master/Dom types really want their property to be miserable for a day or more? Do they really want us to feel physicaly sick? Considering the amount of Dom types that do make us wait I guess that they do want this.
Personaly I know that when I am waiting for punishment/discipline I feel like the world around me is collapsing and there is nothing for me to cling to and keep my head above water. Waiting longer then a few hours turns me in to a nervous wreck and impacts my ability to serve my Master. I start to withdraw and pull away from any closesness or intimacy and thoughts of worthlessness and of being a bad slave go round and round in my head. Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, perhaps other slaves don't go through what I do and its just something that comes from my perfectionist traits and the fact that my sense of worth is often tied in to what I have done that is good so when I do bad my sense of worth drops. I guess in a lot of ways I can be like the little child who is desparte to please their parent/carer, who just wants to hear someone say you did well I am proud of you. I know that its not healthy but it is me.
What bought up this post today is that I forgot to post in my blog yesterday. As it is having to post daily is discipline for my lack of communication with Master so then forgetting to do the discipline made me feel ten times worse then the original issue did. I guess rightly so after all a discipline is suppose to teach and make you learn and do better and I can't even get a punishment right. I realised last night and told Master and he said that we would deal with it today. As you can tell by what I have posted here I don't do too well with having to wait and right now I am still waiting and still feeling sick. I felt so bad last night that I cried myself to sleep.
Willow
What makes it worse is when a Master takes time to deal with it, when they leave you stewing in your own juices so to speak for a day or more perfore informing you of the discipline they are givng you. I know that some Master's/Dom type people take time before discplining a slave/sub type so that the s type can really think about what they have done wrong and that can often be part of the discipline/punishment itself, however do the Master/Dom types really want their property to be miserable for a day or more? Do they really want us to feel physicaly sick? Considering the amount of Dom types that do make us wait I guess that they do want this.
Personaly I know that when I am waiting for punishment/discipline I feel like the world around me is collapsing and there is nothing for me to cling to and keep my head above water. Waiting longer then a few hours turns me in to a nervous wreck and impacts my ability to serve my Master. I start to withdraw and pull away from any closesness or intimacy and thoughts of worthlessness and of being a bad slave go round and round in my head. Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, perhaps other slaves don't go through what I do and its just something that comes from my perfectionist traits and the fact that my sense of worth is often tied in to what I have done that is good so when I do bad my sense of worth drops. I guess in a lot of ways I can be like the little child who is desparte to please their parent/carer, who just wants to hear someone say you did well I am proud of you. I know that its not healthy but it is me.
What bought up this post today is that I forgot to post in my blog yesterday. As it is having to post daily is discipline for my lack of communication with Master so then forgetting to do the discipline made me feel ten times worse then the original issue did. I guess rightly so after all a discipline is suppose to teach and make you learn and do better and I can't even get a punishment right. I realised last night and told Master and he said that we would deal with it today. As you can tell by what I have posted here I don't do too well with having to wait and right now I am still waiting and still feeling sick. I felt so bad last night that I cried myself to sleep.
Willow
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Formal Master's dinners and some thougts on communication (M/s)
Today I spent a lot of time researching formal 'Master's' dinners, the procols involved, the various forms they take ect. The more I researched the more I came to the conclusion that I would not enjoy this type of situation and the reason that I wouldn't enjoy it is because of the separation between Master's and slaves. For some reason I am viewing it as the Master's are better then and worth more then he subs/slaves. Reading forums and interacting in various D/s related groups I often get the feeling that the Dom types hold themselves above the submissive types, they seem to think that they are better then the submissive types, more intelligent, worth more and that attitute bothers me. I don't know why the idea of a formal dinner makes me feel that the Dom types are thinking that they are better then the submissives but it just does.
Sometimes I read things or have conversations with people that make me wonder if I am really a slave. The topic on formal dinners is one such topic that brings this up for me. I love dinner partys, love cooking and serving and pleasing my Master but the idea of the formal High protocol dinner where a slave serves, is not spoken too, does not join in conversation bothers me. The reason it bothers me is that I am one of those people that love to be able to put my ideas forward in a discussion. I have found that often in a group situation when I am not allowed to speak that I feel isolated and alone and used (not in a good way) I begin to think that I am worthless, that nothing I think or feel matters and from there I start to resent serving, start to resent Master and being a slave and everything that goes along with it. I resent the feeling that my views are not worth anything, are not important just because I am a slave and that for some reason being a slave makes me less of a person.
I know that there are so many people who think there version of what a D/s lifestyle is like is the only 'true' way of doing it but most people at least have things that overlap with anothers idea of 'true' 24/7. If i go by those people and their beleives then the fact that I feel this way about speech makes me not a 'true' slave. The fact that I would not like to be in a situation where I could not join in conversation makes me not a 'true' slave. Still even though I am feeling negative towards the idea I would like to try a formal Master's dinner one day for all I know the pleasure I would get from knowing I served my Master well and that he was pleased with me would outweigh the negative side of not being able to communicate.
Perhaps the communication issue comes from being a gemini or perhaps it comes from how often I get left out of conversations in the normal vanilla world because I am not loud enough and outgoing enough to make myself heard. In the normal vanilla world I often get talked over, often feel frustrated and annoyed at not being heard, at nobody caring what I have to say and when I think about it perhaps my issue with speech of lack of it in a D/s sense comes from my vanilla experiences. I guess it is yet another issue to work at overcoming so that I may be a better slave for my Master.
Sometimes I read things or have conversations with people that make me wonder if I am really a slave. The topic on formal dinners is one such topic that brings this up for me. I love dinner partys, love cooking and serving and pleasing my Master but the idea of the formal High protocol dinner where a slave serves, is not spoken too, does not join in conversation bothers me. The reason it bothers me is that I am one of those people that love to be able to put my ideas forward in a discussion. I have found that often in a group situation when I am not allowed to speak that I feel isolated and alone and used (not in a good way) I begin to think that I am worthless, that nothing I think or feel matters and from there I start to resent serving, start to resent Master and being a slave and everything that goes along with it. I resent the feeling that my views are not worth anything, are not important just because I am a slave and that for some reason being a slave makes me less of a person.
I know that there are so many people who think there version of what a D/s lifestyle is like is the only 'true' way of doing it but most people at least have things that overlap with anothers idea of 'true' 24/7. If i go by those people and their beleives then the fact that I feel this way about speech makes me not a 'true' slave. The fact that I would not like to be in a situation where I could not join in conversation makes me not a 'true' slave. Still even though I am feeling negative towards the idea I would like to try a formal Master's dinner one day for all I know the pleasure I would get from knowing I served my Master well and that he was pleased with me would outweigh the negative side of not being able to communicate.
Perhaps the communication issue comes from being a gemini or perhaps it comes from how often I get left out of conversations in the normal vanilla world because I am not loud enough and outgoing enough to make myself heard. In the normal vanilla world I often get talked over, often feel frustrated and annoyed at not being heard, at nobody caring what I have to say and when I think about it perhaps my issue with speech of lack of it in a D/s sense comes from my vanilla experiences. I guess it is yet another issue to work at overcoming so that I may be a better slave for my Master.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The slave space. (M/s)
So Master wants me to start communicating more, fair enough too considering how bad I can get at it. It seems that the more I go in to slave space the harder I find it to communicate, the harder it is to make my needs and desires known which kind of brings up a catch 22. I want to be in that slave space more then anything and am willing to go through what ever Master wants to do to me to get there however I know that once I get there communication shuts down a lot and that makes me worry that Master will not want me to go back to that space.
Right now more then anything I want to get back to slave space, need to get back to slave space but it takes so much work and effort for both Master and I to get me there that I know it will not happen today. It takes physical sensation such as the flogging/paddling ect that Master gave me earlier but it also takes a bit of breaking down my walls and breaking me a little bit. I think that the psychological side of it is a lot harder then anything else but for me its the most important bit. The psychological bit can hurt like hell while its happening, it can make me question why I want this, if I really want this and if I can do this. At times it brings me to a point where I feel like I am nothing, worth nothing and will never amount to anything, it brings to points where I hate Master and just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone.
Once I am at that place however it takes a wonderful caring Master to bring me back and on the other side of the darkness is a place that is full of light and love, a place where I am secure and at peace within my self and my own slave heart, a place where the world makes sense, where I know what is expected of me and where I am full of joy and love for my Master. That place i am speaking of is the place that I long to get back too. It is a spiritual journey as much as it is a slave journey and it is a journey that takes a lot out of Master. It requires him to be able to put me through hell, to say things that touch raw nerves and requires him to be able to stand back and watch as I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Am I wrong for wanting this journey? Am I wrong for wishing Master would break me (just a little break not the big one) I feel as though I need this to break out of the vanilla mind set that I have been in for the past two months. To get myself back to where I need to be. I need the walls I have built up to be broken down so that I can be free to be me.
Willowmoon
Right now more then anything I want to get back to slave space, need to get back to slave space but it takes so much work and effort for both Master and I to get me there that I know it will not happen today. It takes physical sensation such as the flogging/paddling ect that Master gave me earlier but it also takes a bit of breaking down my walls and breaking me a little bit. I think that the psychological side of it is a lot harder then anything else but for me its the most important bit. The psychological bit can hurt like hell while its happening, it can make me question why I want this, if I really want this and if I can do this. At times it brings me to a point where I feel like I am nothing, worth nothing and will never amount to anything, it brings to points where I hate Master and just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone.
Once I am at that place however it takes a wonderful caring Master to bring me back and on the other side of the darkness is a place that is full of light and love, a place where I am secure and at peace within my self and my own slave heart, a place where the world makes sense, where I know what is expected of me and where I am full of joy and love for my Master. That place i am speaking of is the place that I long to get back too. It is a spiritual journey as much as it is a slave journey and it is a journey that takes a lot out of Master. It requires him to be able to put me through hell, to say things that touch raw nerves and requires him to be able to stand back and watch as I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Am I wrong for wanting this journey? Am I wrong for wishing Master would break me (just a little break not the big one) I feel as though I need this to break out of the vanilla mind set that I have been in for the past two months. To get myself back to where I need to be. I need the walls I have built up to be broken down so that I can be free to be me.
Willowmoon
Discipline vs Punishment (BDSM)
I am so use to being in D/s relationships where the only form of punishment used is pain such as canning or flogging that I think sometimes I forget that there are other ways to punish. I don't even know if punish is the right word perhaps discipline is a better word then punishment because to be honest if I have done something bad enough that I mut be punished over it then I have done something bad enough that the relationship should be ended while dicipline is just a way of correcting bad/wrong behaviour and teaching pleasing ways of behaving. So discipline is a much better word.
Anyway as usual I have gone off track from what I wanted to say. What I was going to say was that Master has decided that as discipline for keeping things from him that I must make a blog entry every day for the next 14 days. If I fail to update my blog then he will punish me. I think this discipline is fair enough and fits the crime so to speak after all it forces me to communicate what is going on.
Willow
Anyway as usual I have gone off track from what I wanted to say. What I was going to say was that Master has decided that as discipline for keeping things from him that I must make a blog entry every day for the next 14 days. If I fail to update my blog then he will punish me. I think this discipline is fair enough and fits the crime so to speak after all it forces me to communicate what is going on.
Willow
Friday, February 1, 2008
Updated layout (V)
So what does a slave do on a Friday night when she is laying in her bedroom all alone waiting for her Master to want or need her? She updates her journal layout, updates her profile and changes the colour of her journal so it is all in her favorite colours... Yeap I thought it was time that this blog got a new layout that was more me rather then just making too with any template because I was too lazy to be bothered changing it. I am now happy with the way this blog looks, all pink and purple on black which is so much more me then just the pink that it was.
An update on our relationship/ Waiting for punishment - (M/s)
1.04pm
Yesterday Master read my last post in this blog and came to me to talk about it. I didn't tell him that i had updated my blog as I did not want him to feel pressured to read it or to react to it after all if he reacts to something or does something because I have asked for it then doesn't that make me the one who is really in control of this relationship?
So anyway we talked and he explained how he is feeling and how his lack of job equals a lack of abiliy to look after me as he beleives that he should be looking after and then that has made him lose his self confidence both in vanilla related things as well as lifestyle related things. However the outcome of our conversation is that we are going to try to get back to where we were, that we both want to be there but unfortuantly life cicumstances took us out of where we want to be.
7.47pm
I got distracted from my blog entry earlier, unfortuantly the distractions were regular mundane distractions such as going down the shop to buy something for lunch, making lunch and eating it, cleaning up the bedroom a litle and sorting out clothes, all those normal day to day vanilla things that must get done to live a comfortable happy life.
As I was saying earlier Master and I talked and came to the conclusion that we were both going to put in more effort to get back to where we want to be. I am worried that he is only doing this to keep me happy and that if that is so then in reality i am the one in control when it is suppose to be him in control. I have a habit of not telling Master what I need or want because I don't want to look like I am topping from the bottom. I usualy don't tell him when I am craving to be used by him, I don't often tell him when I have a desire to be flogged or tied up because ultimatly I don't want to be a do me sub. If I don't tell him the needs and desires don't get met but when I do tell him I feel bad and feel like I am controlling everything so what do I do? Where is the middle line? What is okay for me to say? Is it okay for me to say to him 'Master I would really like it if you tied me up tonight' as long as i then leave the choice in his hands? But what if I say something like that and he feels that he has to do it to keep me happy? I want Master to play with me because that is what he desires not to play with me because its what I desire. I guess for now I will continue to keep these things to myself until he gives me some direction on what to do when I am in this situation.
Right now not telling Master things has got me in to trouble. I passed out at college yesterday and didn't tell him about it when I know that I should have. I didn't tell him for various reasons the two biggest being that 1. I didn't want him to worry about me, didn't want him to stress anymore then he already has been and 2. I didn't tell him because everything has been feeling vanilla that I thought he didn't really have a right to know after all I was feeling fine and it only happened because I needed to eat something. To my mind he didn't need the stress and since I am fine it was pointless telling him.
I know he is Master and that i shouldn't keep these sort of things from him and so I know that I deserve to be in trouble for doing it. I am waiting for him to punish me at the moment and i feel so bad. I feel as though I have let him down, I feel that I am a bad slave, that I am a dissapointment to him, and to be honest that I am not worth being his slave, he deserves someone much better then I. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and all tied up in knots (in a bad way) and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know how he can bare to be in the same room as me or want to kiss me and hug me still. Why does he care and want to show me affection when I have been so bad? So for now I continue to wait for him to punish me but the longer I wait the guiltier and more sick I feel and the more I feel like I have really stuffed up.
Yesterday Master read my last post in this blog and came to me to talk about it. I didn't tell him that i had updated my blog as I did not want him to feel pressured to read it or to react to it after all if he reacts to something or does something because I have asked for it then doesn't that make me the one who is really in control of this relationship?
So anyway we talked and he explained how he is feeling and how his lack of job equals a lack of abiliy to look after me as he beleives that he should be looking after and then that has made him lose his self confidence both in vanilla related things as well as lifestyle related things. However the outcome of our conversation is that we are going to try to get back to where we were, that we both want to be there but unfortuantly life cicumstances took us out of where we want to be.
7.47pm
I got distracted from my blog entry earlier, unfortuantly the distractions were regular mundane distractions such as going down the shop to buy something for lunch, making lunch and eating it, cleaning up the bedroom a litle and sorting out clothes, all those normal day to day vanilla things that must get done to live a comfortable happy life.
As I was saying earlier Master and I talked and came to the conclusion that we were both going to put in more effort to get back to where we want to be. I am worried that he is only doing this to keep me happy and that if that is so then in reality i am the one in control when it is suppose to be him in control. I have a habit of not telling Master what I need or want because I don't want to look like I am topping from the bottom. I usualy don't tell him when I am craving to be used by him, I don't often tell him when I have a desire to be flogged or tied up because ultimatly I don't want to be a do me sub. If I don't tell him the needs and desires don't get met but when I do tell him I feel bad and feel like I am controlling everything so what do I do? Where is the middle line? What is okay for me to say? Is it okay for me to say to him 'Master I would really like it if you tied me up tonight' as long as i then leave the choice in his hands? But what if I say something like that and he feels that he has to do it to keep me happy? I want Master to play with me because that is what he desires not to play with me because its what I desire. I guess for now I will continue to keep these things to myself until he gives me some direction on what to do when I am in this situation.
Right now not telling Master things has got me in to trouble. I passed out at college yesterday and didn't tell him about it when I know that I should have. I didn't tell him for various reasons the two biggest being that 1. I didn't want him to worry about me, didn't want him to stress anymore then he already has been and 2. I didn't tell him because everything has been feeling vanilla that I thought he didn't really have a right to know after all I was feeling fine and it only happened because I needed to eat something. To my mind he didn't need the stress and since I am fine it was pointless telling him.
I know he is Master and that i shouldn't keep these sort of things from him and so I know that I deserve to be in trouble for doing it. I am waiting for him to punish me at the moment and i feel so bad. I feel as though I have let him down, I feel that I am a bad slave, that I am a dissapointment to him, and to be honest that I am not worth being his slave, he deserves someone much better then I. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and all tied up in knots (in a bad way) and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know how he can bare to be in the same room as me or want to kiss me and hug me still. Why does he care and want to show me affection when I have been so bad? So for now I continue to wait for him to punish me but the longer I wait the guiltier and more sick I feel and the more I feel like I have really stuffed up.
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