A standard rule it seems in most D/s relationships is the 'protect the property' rule. Usualy this refers to the sub/slave looking after themselves and keeping themselves out of harm and danger. This kind of rule should just be common sense and I find it sad that so many relationships have to set it out. If a slave does not look after herself then how can she serve her Master? However sometimes it does need to be set out for example with me. I have a history of self harm (As a symptom of another illness) and sometimes all I can think about it hurting myself however when there is a rule in place preventing it then it helps to give me that little bit more of a push away from the urge and makes it easier to fight it.
On the forums today I was reading about this topic and someone posted something that I liked so much I am going to repost it here.
With apologies to Issac Asimov, I have modified his Three Laws of Robotics to define my understanding of "protect the property":
A submissive may not seriously injure themselves or, through inaction, allow themselves to come to serious harm.
A submissive must obey orders given by the Dominant, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A submissive must protect the Dominant's other property as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Playing the social butterfly
This week has been a very social one for me.Wednesday - Steak with Sean and Cam followed by icecream and then going back to the boys house just to hang around and talk. Wednesday night the boys and I went to sizzeler for dinner.
Thursday - Hanging out with Cam and Devan at the boys house, eating turkish delight cheesecake (My new Fav desert) from the cheesecake shop, watching Andrometer and chatting. Eating home made tacos for dinner and chatting some more and drawing up my charecter sheet for the changling game.
Friday - Cam and I went shopping, I picked up the last of my Chrsitmas shopping (Three things for Master to open on Christmas day and I want to find him one more present while I am in Melbourne) and showed Cam my fav shop in Brisbane. Cam took me to lush and let me choose what I wanted for christmas so I got a sparkly massage bar (when this one runs out I am going to start making my own) a bath bomb for the spa in Ballarat and one of my fav soaps (Demon in the dark) Sometime before Christmas is over i need to go back in to lush and buy a big bottle of snow fairy so that I don't have to ration it out next year.
Friday night we had chicken and salad for dinner, played monopoly (the new version with keycards instead of money) Sean and Janessa came over and we chatted and had a few drinks.
Saturday - We went bowling yesterday, to be honest I didnt really enjoy it, I was having a bad day and particular people really gave me the shits. I also ended up getting a blister on my thumb which is painful. Saturday afternoon into evening everyone one was at the boys house having drinks and enjoying each others company.
Today I am at home resting (I am exhausted) and getting ready for our trip to Melbourne. We are leaving here at 9.30am for our 11.50am flight (Traffic out to the airport can be a bitch) and will be arriving in Melbourne at around 3.10pm. We will be staying at a good friends house until we got to Ballarat on Sunday for Christmas where we will be until the 27th but we still have to find somewhere to stay for the three nights from the 27th to the 30th - this is stressing me out as we don't have enough money to get another hotel and with mum no longer living in Melbourne I don't have somewhere to stay down there, I also don't want to impose on Teena after staying there before Christmas. I will figure out something even if it means we go down to Morwell so we can stay at Master's parents (though I would really prefer not to do that)
Thursday - Hanging out with Cam and Devan at the boys house, eating turkish delight cheesecake (My new Fav desert) from the cheesecake shop, watching Andrometer and chatting. Eating home made tacos for dinner and chatting some more and drawing up my charecter sheet for the changling game.
Friday - Cam and I went shopping, I picked up the last of my Chrsitmas shopping (Three things for Master to open on Christmas day and I want to find him one more present while I am in Melbourne) and showed Cam my fav shop in Brisbane. Cam took me to lush and let me choose what I wanted for christmas so I got a sparkly massage bar (when this one runs out I am going to start making my own) a bath bomb for the spa in Ballarat and one of my fav soaps (Demon in the dark) Sometime before Christmas is over i need to go back in to lush and buy a big bottle of snow fairy so that I don't have to ration it out next year.
Friday night we had chicken and salad for dinner, played monopoly (the new version with keycards instead of money) Sean and Janessa came over and we chatted and had a few drinks.
Saturday - We went bowling yesterday, to be honest I didnt really enjoy it, I was having a bad day and particular people really gave me the shits. I also ended up getting a blister on my thumb which is painful. Saturday afternoon into evening everyone one was at the boys house having drinks and enjoying each others company.
Today I am at home resting (I am exhausted) and getting ready for our trip to Melbourne. We are leaving here at 9.30am for our 11.50am flight (Traffic out to the airport can be a bitch) and will be arriving in Melbourne at around 3.10pm. We will be staying at a good friends house until we got to Ballarat on Sunday for Christmas where we will be until the 27th but we still have to find somewhere to stay for the three nights from the 27th to the 30th - this is stressing me out as we don't have enough money to get another hotel and with mum no longer living in Melbourne I don't have somewhere to stay down there, I also don't want to impose on Teena after staying there before Christmas. I will figure out something even if it means we go down to Morwell so we can stay at Master's parents (though I would really prefer not to do that)
Friday, December 7, 2007
A week since my last post, yes I know I am suppose to post more often then I have been but to be honest I haven't had anything to post about and still don't really.
Life in continuing, I am starting to feel a little better about things and think that I am ready to get back on track with Master but I do have to admit I am afraid and not really sure just what I am afraid off. My brain keeps telling me that if things get going again then the domiance will just be about sex and while another side of me knows thats not true I am still afraid. I am also afraid that if I am not the slave that he wants because of what has happened that he will send me away. Despite trying so hard not too I have fallen in love with this man and don't want to be anywhere else except by his side.
A nice box of new toys arrived yesterday and part of me really wants to try them out while another part of me is terrified of it. I guess we just have to go slowely.
Willow
Life in continuing, I am starting to feel a little better about things and think that I am ready to get back on track with Master but I do have to admit I am afraid and not really sure just what I am afraid off. My brain keeps telling me that if things get going again then the domiance will just be about sex and while another side of me knows thats not true I am still afraid. I am also afraid that if I am not the slave that he wants because of what has happened that he will send me away. Despite trying so hard not too I have fallen in love with this man and don't want to be anywhere else except by his side.
A nice box of new toys arrived yesterday and part of me really wants to try them out while another part of me is terrified of it. I guess we just have to go slowely.
Willow
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Right now I am in one of those moods where I want to play. I want Master to flog, spank, paddle or what ever me. I want to feel that pain at the moment so that I know that I am still feeling something. Once that is done I want to be tied up, fucked/used and then left tied up there for his use or just there for him to look at like a piece of art on the wall. Oh and I want to be hooded and blindfolded
I am laying on the couch and have been here for a while now just thinking. Again I am wondering if I am really a slave. Sure I follow orders when he gives them and I try to make sure he is happy and has what he needs but when I chat to other 24/7 slaves their lives are extremly different to mine.
Okay we have housemates and a child in the house which makes a lot of things hard to do but what bothers me is that when I talk to other slaves or read books and websites on protocols I don't like a lot of what I read. I don't like the idea that the slave does all the cooking and housework and then serves her Master once he gets home from work and waits kneeling near by when he is home in case he has anything he needs. I don't want to do all the housework and I don't want to have to be the one to cook everynight. I feel that this makes me less of a slave hell I know that when I am made to do all the cooking and cleaning I resent it.
Okay we have housemates and a child in the house which makes a lot of things hard to do but what bothers me is that when I talk to other slaves or read books and websites on protocols I don't like a lot of what I read. I don't like the idea that the slave does all the cooking and housework and then serves her Master once he gets home from work and waits kneeling near by when he is home in case he has anything he needs. I don't want to do all the housework and I don't want to have to be the one to cook everynight. I feel that this makes me less of a slave hell I know that when I am made to do all the cooking and cleaning I resent it.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Its been a while (M/s V)
Despite having rules on how often I must post to this blog it has been over two weeks since I last did, closer to three I think. Master knows the reasons for this and so I am not in trouble for it but I am back now and will do my best to follow the rule and make regular posts. The reason for my lack of posts has been due to three things. 1. I had a relapse of chronic fatique syndrome which made doing anything hard. 2. I had exams to study for and was stressed out by them and 3. I was assulted. My energy is still not the best and I am still dealing with the aftermath of being assulted but I am begining to feel alright again.
Things with Master (it still feels great to type and see that) are going well. I have no doubt that he loves me and wants me as he lets me know all the time and while we have not been able to play much or do much (due to the reasons above) of late things are not exactly vanilla (though sometimes it feels like it is) there are still rules that I must follow and I still know that ultimatly Master is in charge.
Speaking of rules some things that I had trouble with at first are now so common place that if he changed those rules and took them away I think that I would have trouble not following them. The rules about eating, drinking and using the bathroom. I find it hard when we are around other people to remember not to ask and I have learnt ways of asking without anyone else knowing though I do wonder if Master even realises what I am doing. For example when someone else is in the room that is not scene friendly and I need a drink i will say something along the lines of 'I need a drink' and then wait for a response from him before I get one. The same as going to the bathroom I will comment that I need to go the bathroom and wait for a response alone the lines of 'well go then' little tiny ways of following the rules even among vanilla company. If we are eating out then the rule is that I must wait for him to start before I can start. I like these rules now they remind me of my place and what I am even when everything else seems to be vanilla.
Master and I are going to Melbourne for chirstmas. I don't know how he feels but I know that I am nervous about introducing him to my family and friends. I know in my heart that everything will be fine but I am still nervous. The whole Melbourne thing is stressing me out though and I know it is going to cost a lot. Airfares there and back will be a minium of $600 then there is the accomandation which is $600 (and needs a deposit on it asap) I need a new bag/suitcase as well and unfortuantly the one I really like is $150 (and no its not just because it is pink) then there is food and entertainment money and things really add up to a lot for just a trip to Melbourne. I feel guilty having master spend so much on me. He has bought me a heap of things that are not cheap and this weekend we are going to a BrisDSM party on the gold coast which will cost even more.
On the topic of Melbourne Master and I are discussing moving back down there, I don't know if he really likes the idea or not but at the moment I do. Its not that it will be the answer to all my problems and there will be some people that I will miss a lot if we go but there are so many reasons as to why Melbourne would be a good move. Only time will tell though we will wait and see how our holiday goes.
Thats all for this update.
Willow
Things with Master (it still feels great to type and see that) are going well. I have no doubt that he loves me and wants me as he lets me know all the time and while we have not been able to play much or do much (due to the reasons above) of late things are not exactly vanilla (though sometimes it feels like it is) there are still rules that I must follow and I still know that ultimatly Master is in charge.
Speaking of rules some things that I had trouble with at first are now so common place that if he changed those rules and took them away I think that I would have trouble not following them. The rules about eating, drinking and using the bathroom. I find it hard when we are around other people to remember not to ask and I have learnt ways of asking without anyone else knowing though I do wonder if Master even realises what I am doing. For example when someone else is in the room that is not scene friendly and I need a drink i will say something along the lines of 'I need a drink' and then wait for a response from him before I get one. The same as going to the bathroom I will comment that I need to go the bathroom and wait for a response alone the lines of 'well go then' little tiny ways of following the rules even among vanilla company. If we are eating out then the rule is that I must wait for him to start before I can start. I like these rules now they remind me of my place and what I am even when everything else seems to be vanilla.
Master and I are going to Melbourne for chirstmas. I don't know how he feels but I know that I am nervous about introducing him to my family and friends. I know in my heart that everything will be fine but I am still nervous. The whole Melbourne thing is stressing me out though and I know it is going to cost a lot. Airfares there and back will be a minium of $600 then there is the accomandation which is $600 (and needs a deposit on it asap) I need a new bag/suitcase as well and unfortuantly the one I really like is $150 (and no its not just because it is pink) then there is food and entertainment money and things really add up to a lot for just a trip to Melbourne. I feel guilty having master spend so much on me. He has bought me a heap of things that are not cheap and this weekend we are going to a BrisDSM party on the gold coast which will cost even more.
On the topic of Melbourne Master and I are discussing moving back down there, I don't know if he really likes the idea or not but at the moment I do. Its not that it will be the answer to all my problems and there will be some people that I will miss a lot if we go but there are so many reasons as to why Melbourne would be a good move. Only time will tell though we will wait and see how our holiday goes.
Thats all for this update.
Willow
Friday, November 9, 2007
I wish (BDSM/ M/s)
Okay I guess today my slave energy is high though thats not a surprise considering that I pretty much started the day with Master using me. He tied me so that my knees were bend and I was exposed to him and them flipped me over so that i was on my knees spread wide and avaiable for him to do what he wanted to me and he did. He fucked me hard and then spanked me and used the crop on me and I have to say I loved being in that position. Hooded and blind listening to him talking to me, feeling him to what ever he wanted with me. When I am fucked on my knees it goes deeper to the point that it does hurt a little, when I am fucked like that I really do feel like I have been used and I love it.
Right now I wish that we could do it all over again. Wish that he would make me feel the way I feel this afternoon, like I really was his slave, his property just an object or toy to be used for his pleasure. I wish he would tie me up, fuck me and use me, cause me pain, tease me, speak to me with that tone of voice telling me just what I am and just what my place in this life, make me feel humbled and used and then just leave me there ready and waiting for his use while he does what ever else he wants to do. There waiting for his every touch not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain, there waiting ready for his use.
Right now I wish that we could do it all over again. Wish that he would make me feel the way I feel this afternoon, like I really was his slave, his property just an object or toy to be used for his pleasure. I wish he would tie me up, fuck me and use me, cause me pain, tease me, speak to me with that tone of voice telling me just what I am and just what my place in this life, make me feel humbled and used and then just leave me there ready and waiting for his use while he does what ever else he wants to do. There waiting for his every touch not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain, there waiting ready for his use.
A dream birthday party.
I wish I had enough friends within the scene to have a play party for my birthday next year it would be so much fun. Master could tie me up and give me a bithday flogging and there could be party games with a bdsm twist to them like instead of pin the tail on the donkey i have seen a game where you insert a butt plug in to the subbie and then throw hoops around it who ever gets the most hoops wins.... though i don't think I would want to be the slave with the plug in.
Food could be so much fun, I could have a cake that was make to look like a four poster bed with a girl tied to it (The girl would be one of those cheap $2 barbies.) or a butt shaped cake with a red handprint. I could have cup cakes with sayins on them such as whip me, beat me, slave, sub, Master, Dom like a cupcake bdsm version of those heart candys. Gingerbread man, wearing a long, black gumdrop at his crotch, with little icing straps, cookies in the shapes of paddles,
For the table centerpiece a ginger bread dungeon room using pretzel sticks for the cross , spanking bench ect
Its nice to dream some times. Hmmm I have seven months before my birthday perhaps i should try and make some scene related friends.
Food could be so much fun, I could have a cake that was make to look like a four poster bed with a girl tied to it (The girl would be one of those cheap $2 barbies.) or a butt shaped cake with a red handprint. I could have cup cakes with sayins on them such as whip me, beat me, slave, sub, Master, Dom like a cupcake bdsm version of those heart candys. Gingerbread man, wearing a long, black gumdrop at his crotch, with little icing straps, cookies in the shapes of paddles,
For the table centerpiece a ginger bread dungeon room using pretzel sticks for the cross , spanking bench ect
Its nice to dream some times. Hmmm I have seven months before my birthday perhaps i should try and make some scene related friends.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Slave Energy (M/s)
Okay to type this post I need to find a word (or words) that descripe what I am talking about. I am a slave 24/7 I know this in my mind, in my heart and in my soul but there can be times when I don't feel very slave like or very submissive. From now on I am going to refer to those times as Slave energy. If I refer to energy just on its own then I refer to energy in its normal terms, as in I am tired and have no energy or The energy in the room felt extremly negative or in my pagan/spritual beleives I could feel the energy flowing through me. When I speak of slave energy I am speaking about how submissive/slave like I am feeling. When slave energy is high then I feel at my most submissive and really feel like a slave. When slave energy is low then I don't feel much like a slave or like doing slave things I feel more vanilla when slave energy is low.
Okay having got that out of the way I can continue. Over the last week or so my slave energy has been very low. There have been moments it has been quite high but mostly low. I have not felt like doing much for Master, not felt like playing or even like serving him properly. I know that some of this is a reaction to stress in my life and in his life as I think his Master energy has been a little low at the same time.
The dynamic is always there even when I am at low slave energy I will do what he tells me too do and follow his rules though it really is just following the motions when I have little slave energy. You know what even if it is just following the motions it works, I follow the motions and my slave energy gets back to its normal level where I am happy to serve, want to serve and need to serve. Where I am happy to be his girl, his slave and don't hold any resentment for him. Now my slave energy is back to normal and I am a happy slave once more.
I feel guilty when ever my slave energy is low, I feel like the worse slave in the world and start wondering if I have been lying to everyone and am really just a bottom who wants to be played with every so often. When my slave energy is low I am not happy, I don't feel like I want to feel and don't feel like I am being true to myself. I know that ups and downs are a natural part of life and that if I was at high slave energy all the time i would burn out. I know that sometime sub drop can cause low slave energy and we deal with that when we come to it. What I need to do now if fiqure out some simple things for when I am at low slave energy that will help it get back to a more normal level, following the motions is a good start but there must be a few other things that could help as well. I know that kneeling with my head on the floor always makes me feel a little more like slave like, reading forums helps, I know that bondage will help but i also know that if slave energy is too low then i resent it.
I must think on this some more and see what Master thinks about it.
Okay having got that out of the way I can continue. Over the last week or so my slave energy has been very low. There have been moments it has been quite high but mostly low. I have not felt like doing much for Master, not felt like playing or even like serving him properly. I know that some of this is a reaction to stress in my life and in his life as I think his Master energy has been a little low at the same time.
The dynamic is always there even when I am at low slave energy I will do what he tells me too do and follow his rules though it really is just following the motions when I have little slave energy. You know what even if it is just following the motions it works, I follow the motions and my slave energy gets back to its normal level where I am happy to serve, want to serve and need to serve. Where I am happy to be his girl, his slave and don't hold any resentment for him. Now my slave energy is back to normal and I am a happy slave once more.
I feel guilty when ever my slave energy is low, I feel like the worse slave in the world and start wondering if I have been lying to everyone and am really just a bottom who wants to be played with every so often. When my slave energy is low I am not happy, I don't feel like I want to feel and don't feel like I am being true to myself. I know that ups and downs are a natural part of life and that if I was at high slave energy all the time i would burn out. I know that sometime sub drop can cause low slave energy and we deal with that when we come to it. What I need to do now if fiqure out some simple things for when I am at low slave energy that will help it get back to a more normal level, following the motions is a good start but there must be a few other things that could help as well. I know that kneeling with my head on the floor always makes me feel a little more like slave like, reading forums helps, I know that bondage will help but i also know that if slave energy is too low then i resent it.
I must think on this some more and see what Master thinks about it.
Sharing (V)
Usualy when a woman gets in to a relationship with a man she tells all her female friends about it. She tells them how sweet Mr Wonderful is, what he has done for her recently and how she thinks that this time she may have found 'the one' In the past I have done just this, told anyone who would listen just how great my man is but this time around there is nobody that I can have those conversations with, nobody that I can isn't he sweet he bought me a cute teddy bear because I was sick. (He did that on Saturday night) Not having anyone I can have these conversations with is really making me miss having a few girlfriends. I am happy, I am in love and I want to share that happiness with my friends instead of having to keep it all to myself.
Things with Master are going really well. I feel that he really understands me and what he doesn't understand he does his best to make sense of and talk to me so that he can understand it. When we have a problem we talk about it and work it out rather then just letting it brew. When he is upset about something he tells me rather then keeping it to himself and having me wonder what I was doing wrong. Communication is important and this relationship has a good amount of communication. I know that we haven't been together for that long but I also know that in reality the fact that we live together means that our relationship moves faster then the usual relatioships where you spend months seeing each other a few times a week then move in with each other and then start fighting because you find the person you are living with was not the person that you thought he was. Having lived together first we know each others mood swings and bad habits so it shouldn't be such a shock when its just the two of us living together.
Willow
Things with Master are going really well. I feel that he really understands me and what he doesn't understand he does his best to make sense of and talk to me so that he can understand it. When we have a problem we talk about it and work it out rather then just letting it brew. When he is upset about something he tells me rather then keeping it to himself and having me wonder what I was doing wrong. Communication is important and this relationship has a good amount of communication. I know that we haven't been together for that long but I also know that in reality the fact that we live together means that our relationship moves faster then the usual relatioships where you spend months seeing each other a few times a week then move in with each other and then start fighting because you find the person you are living with was not the person that you thought he was. Having lived together first we know each others mood swings and bad habits so it shouldn't be such a shock when its just the two of us living together.
Willow
Monday, November 5, 2007
Collars (M/s)
On all the lifestyle related forums one of the topics most discussed is that of the collar and its meaning. Views on a collar range from it just being a useful restraint device to it being a symbol of the Master/slave relationship and the sub/slave would feel lost without it.
To me a collar is a symbol of ownership. I wear it proudly because Master has given it to me and he owns me and I am proud to be his slave. On Saturday night Master gave me something that is my collar, is a symbol of his ownership and love for me. It is a beautiful silver Id style bracelet with a little pink stone. It fits my wrist perfectly and looks very shiney and pretty sitting there. I am to wear this 24/7 unless Master has given me permission to remove it and I am happy to do so. I am a little upset and annoyed with myself at the moment though as the pretty silver has a few scratches on it already. The illogical side of my brain is screaming at me that I am a bad slave to have ruined it already but the more rational side of my brain is reminding me that any piece of jewellery that I wear 24/7 is going to get a little scratched. I woke up this morning and almost burst in to tears when i saw a new scratch on there, I know how it got there (Must have banged it against the wall in my sleep) but that doesn't make me feel any better.
To me a collar is a symbol of ownership. I wear it proudly because Master has given it to me and he owns me and I am proud to be his slave. On Saturday night Master gave me something that is my collar, is a symbol of his ownership and love for me. It is a beautiful silver Id style bracelet with a little pink stone. It fits my wrist perfectly and looks very shiney and pretty sitting there. I am to wear this 24/7 unless Master has given me permission to remove it and I am happy to do so. I am a little upset and annoyed with myself at the moment though as the pretty silver has a few scratches on it already. The illogical side of my brain is screaming at me that I am a bad slave to have ruined it already but the more rational side of my brain is reminding me that any piece of jewellery that I wear 24/7 is going to get a little scratched. I woke up this morning and almost burst in to tears when i saw a new scratch on there, I know how it got there (Must have banged it against the wall in my sleep) but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Feeling guilty (M/s)
Last night Master and I came across some issues. I admited to him that I had not been following my rules because I wanted him to enforce them, in other words I was topping from the bottom. I felt so ashamed of myself and like such a bad slave that I couldn't look at him and didn't want him to touch me so I rolled over, faced the wall and tried to block the world out. I made a comment along the lines of withdrawing was easier and I know that I really hurt Master. Right at that moment I was convinved that he was going to leave me or send me away and my mind was trying to get in a place where it could deal with that. We talked things through though and his not leaving me but it was still scary and I hate that I hurt him.
He tells me not to worry about it that we can forget it and move on but I can't forget it. I feel guilty, I feel bad and I feel like I should be punished for topping from the bottom, for breaking rules and for hurting Master like I did. Without being punished for doing wrong I don't know if I can forgive myself, don't know if I can let the guilt go regardless of what Master says. I am almost at the point where I need him to punish me so badly that I will beg him too. Beg him to whip me, spank me, hurt me until the guilt is gone and my mind is clear.
Right now I also wish that we were in a position where he could train me more and break me. Not just a little break but the big break that I want him to do one day. The big break that I know will be hell, that I know will hurt like hell on all levels and that once started I am likely to beg him to stop but i don't want him to stop regardless of how much I beg. I don't want to have safewords or limits that are not his limits. I want to be his completly. I know that this type of want is often considered dangerous edge play and something that should be left it the realm of fantasy but I don't want it left there. I have so many bad habits and fears from previous relationships that I need them broken, need to be broken down and built up again to be the slave that he wants and needs.
He tells me not to worry about it that we can forget it and move on but I can't forget it. I feel guilty, I feel bad and I feel like I should be punished for topping from the bottom, for breaking rules and for hurting Master like I did. Without being punished for doing wrong I don't know if I can forgive myself, don't know if I can let the guilt go regardless of what Master says. I am almost at the point where I need him to punish me so badly that I will beg him too. Beg him to whip me, spank me, hurt me until the guilt is gone and my mind is clear.
Right now I also wish that we were in a position where he could train me more and break me. Not just a little break but the big break that I want him to do one day. The big break that I know will be hell, that I know will hurt like hell on all levels and that once started I am likely to beg him to stop but i don't want him to stop regardless of how much I beg. I don't want to have safewords or limits that are not his limits. I want to be his completly. I know that this type of want is often considered dangerous edge play and something that should be left it the realm of fantasy but I don't want it left there. I have so many bad habits and fears from previous relationships that I need them broken, need to be broken down and built up again to be the slave that he wants and needs.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Deep thinking (M/s)
I've been thinking (yes scary I know) a lot today about life, about myself, about Master, about friends, about what I want and where I want to go in my life. All those really deep why are we here, whats the meaning of life type questions. Some of my thinking was about 24/7 M/s lifestyle and all the different directions it can take. I haven't been feeling like a slave much lately and an outcome of not feeling like a slave is that I have been miserable as I am not being what I know I am. I thought for a while about why this is, why haven't I been feeling like a slave? What is it that has stopped me feeling the way I want too and I think the answer to that is complex.
In its simple answer its because Master and I are in a living situation where we can not be ourself. We are never just vanilla but we can't easily express our needs and desires and have them met at the moment. Another issue I think is what is always comes down to, my need for consistency in this life, my need to know that things will be the same tomorrow as they are today, that I have the same rules to follow and that if I break them that I will get in trouble not some days get in trouble and some days not get in trouble. We have rules but when I read over the list only some of them are being followed and both of seem to forget about the others half the time or i remember them but don't follow them because I want some sign from Master that this is what he wants.
I will this where it is for now as Master just got home and may pick up this train of thought later.
Willow
In its simple answer its because Master and I are in a living situation where we can not be ourself. We are never just vanilla but we can't easily express our needs and desires and have them met at the moment. Another issue I think is what is always comes down to, my need for consistency in this life, my need to know that things will be the same tomorrow as they are today, that I have the same rules to follow and that if I break them that I will get in trouble not some days get in trouble and some days not get in trouble. We have rules but when I read over the list only some of them are being followed and both of seem to forget about the others half the time or i remember them but don't follow them because I want some sign from Master that this is what he wants.
I will this where it is for now as Master just got home and may pick up this train of thought later.
Willow
I feel loved (M/s)
It has been a long time since I felt as happy and content in a relationship as I do now. The really scary thing is that I haven't felt this content and happy since I was the slave and property of a gay man. At that point in my life as much as I wanted to be his permanent slave I knew that it would not be forever as their are particular things that someone who is not interested in woman at all wouldn't be able to give me that I need.
Fast forward to now and I am happy and that content again. I am loved, cared for and wanted by a Master who I in return love, care for and want. We have a balance of vanilla and D/s between us. He is not just my boyfriend and he is not just my Master he is both combined in to one very beautiful package. Every day I love him more, every day I feel more comfortable in the knowdlege that he loves me.
A friend of mine made a point a week ago and I think that she hit the nail on the head. Her point was that perhaps I need someone who is Master first and then boyfriend/partner and everything else. All my past relationships have been boyfriend first and then I have tried to make them in to Master but thats not how it is here. A is Master first and then everything else. I love him, want to serve and please him and be his girl, his slave, his property and anything else that he wants me to be. When I am with him the world seems a better place. When he plays with me I feel as though nothing else matters apart from his will.
Yesterday Master bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, they smell gorgeous and look very pretty, he also bought me home snacks when I had mentioned I didn't have any and left it all on my bed for me. It was such a nice romantic caring thing that I think I feel even deeper in love with him.
Willow
Fast forward to now and I am happy and that content again. I am loved, cared for and wanted by a Master who I in return love, care for and want. We have a balance of vanilla and D/s between us. He is not just my boyfriend and he is not just my Master he is both combined in to one very beautiful package. Every day I love him more, every day I feel more comfortable in the knowdlege that he loves me.
A friend of mine made a point a week ago and I think that she hit the nail on the head. Her point was that perhaps I need someone who is Master first and then boyfriend/partner and everything else. All my past relationships have been boyfriend first and then I have tried to make them in to Master but thats not how it is here. A is Master first and then everything else. I love him, want to serve and please him and be his girl, his slave, his property and anything else that he wants me to be. When I am with him the world seems a better place. When he plays with me I feel as though nothing else matters apart from his will.
Yesterday Master bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, they smell gorgeous and look very pretty, he also bought me home snacks when I had mentioned I didn't have any and left it all on my bed for me. It was such a nice romantic caring thing that I think I feel even deeper in love with him.
Willow
Friday, November 2, 2007
Wanting to get back to feeling like a slave. (M/s)
I'm sitting on the couch waiting for Master to get home from work and just wishing that he was here now so that I could feel his arms around me and hear him tell me that he loves me. I guess I really am a hopeless romantic. Master took me out last night and I spent ages getting ready, making myself look pretty for him before going out. We went to the movies and out for dinner and despite my family causing us problems managed to have a good evening out.
Today is a week since I became more then just a student and him trainer. Its a week since I became his girl. The week has been up and down, it has had its good point and bad points but any relationship is like that. We are not playing often at the moment due to our living situation - its hard to play much when we have to wait for everyone else in the house to go to bed by the time they do its after midnight and I am usualy too tired too do much. I know that thinks will get better when we get our own place but I am worried that things are just going to turn vanilla and stay that way just like it did with my ex.
I have been feeling a little off since Tuesday and feel like I am just not a slave and not in the right mindspace. I hate feeling this way, i love the way i feel when my mind is working right and want to get back to that space. Want Master to put me back in to that space but Master is too tired and stressed with work so I am not mentioning it to him, I don't want to stress him out anymore then he already is so I will just wait until he is ready.
Willow
Today is a week since I became more then just a student and him trainer. Its a week since I became his girl. The week has been up and down, it has had its good point and bad points but any relationship is like that. We are not playing often at the moment due to our living situation - its hard to play much when we have to wait for everyone else in the house to go to bed by the time they do its after midnight and I am usualy too tired too do much. I know that thinks will get better when we get our own place but I am worried that things are just going to turn vanilla and stay that way just like it did with my ex.
I have been feeling a little off since Tuesday and feel like I am just not a slave and not in the right mindspace. I hate feeling this way, i love the way i feel when my mind is working right and want to get back to that space. Want Master to put me back in to that space but Master is too tired and stressed with work so I am not mentioning it to him, I don't want to stress him out anymore then he already is so I will just wait until he is ready.
Willow
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Some days are better then others (V)
Some days are better then others, today however is not one of those days.
When I met up with Nathan yesterday he asked me if I had worked out long term plans for the cats. The answer and what may be the sad truth to that question is that right now it seems as though the only solution is going to be to attempt to re home them and if that doesn't work they will have to go to the Rspca. I don't want them to go to the the Rspca, I know that if they do then there is a high chance of them being put down after all they are not cute kittens which means they will not be re homed easily. I miss my kittys so much that it hurts to think about this, so much that I can't look at a photo of them without ending up in tears. I love those animals as if they were my children and I hate being in this position where there is just nothing that I can do about it.
I resent where i live because I can not have even one of my kitty's here. Resent it because I pay rent yet its not really my home after all in my home I would have my pets. Resent it because the house mate does have a cat (and its the only cat i have ever come across that I hated) Resent it because I don't have privacy, because I am just not happy here. Adam keeps telling me its a means to an end and that we will have our own place soon and thats a thought I have to cling too but I know that it is highly likely that where ever we do end up I will not be able to have my kitty's back. I don't even want to go and visit the boys in Coorparoo because i know that if I see my babies I will lose control and end up a mess.
Money is always stressful at the moment. I get about $500 from that I pay $210 for rent/board, $100 to my laptop and $70 to Hogans. It really doesn't leave me with much and I am going to have to buy my way out of my gym membership because I just can't afford to keep paying $50 a month. Perhaps one day in the future I will find myself in a better position but right now things just feel hopeless and are getting me really down. Friends keep telling me how they now have money to go out and do things or buy what ever they want and I sit here thinking thats nice for them and turning in to the green eyed monster because I struggle to afford anything. To have this money stress after so long a period of time where I didn't really have to worry about it is starting to wear me down.
I am thinking that even if my uni debt is cleared up that I won't be able to go back as I need to find a job so that I can support myself and have a little less money stress. Though if I don't go back to uni then I am giving up on my dream and my future security. Guess I need to find part time work and combine it with part time uni until I finish my degree.
I am lonely, stressed and depressed today. I feel like the majority of my friends don't give a damm about me and that hurts when I care so much about them. My bestfriends never contact me it always seem to be me contacting them. Cameron has been working out in the mines for over a year now and that combined with his move to Sydney has really effected our friendship. In the begining I would see him and spend time with him when he was back in Brisbane then he moved but would still make the time to come and see me on his way through Brisbane, now I haven't seen him in months and I miss him. Every so often he calls me but it is starting to feel like he only calls me because he is bored and wants to talk to someone not because he misses me and really desires my company. My other best friend has been distant for months even before Nathan and I broke up but now its just worse. It really hurts.
I have Master which is great and i love him and know he loves me but beyond him I feel all alone and isolated and right now I am just not coping.
Willow
When I met up with Nathan yesterday he asked me if I had worked out long term plans for the cats. The answer and what may be the sad truth to that question is that right now it seems as though the only solution is going to be to attempt to re home them and if that doesn't work they will have to go to the Rspca. I don't want them to go to the the Rspca, I know that if they do then there is a high chance of them being put down after all they are not cute kittens which means they will not be re homed easily. I miss my kittys so much that it hurts to think about this, so much that I can't look at a photo of them without ending up in tears. I love those animals as if they were my children and I hate being in this position where there is just nothing that I can do about it.
I resent where i live because I can not have even one of my kitty's here. Resent it because I pay rent yet its not really my home after all in my home I would have my pets. Resent it because the house mate does have a cat (and its the only cat i have ever come across that I hated) Resent it because I don't have privacy, because I am just not happy here. Adam keeps telling me its a means to an end and that we will have our own place soon and thats a thought I have to cling too but I know that it is highly likely that where ever we do end up I will not be able to have my kitty's back. I don't even want to go and visit the boys in Coorparoo because i know that if I see my babies I will lose control and end up a mess.
Money is always stressful at the moment. I get about $500 from that I pay $210 for rent/board, $100 to my laptop and $70 to Hogans. It really doesn't leave me with much and I am going to have to buy my way out of my gym membership because I just can't afford to keep paying $50 a month. Perhaps one day in the future I will find myself in a better position but right now things just feel hopeless and are getting me really down. Friends keep telling me how they now have money to go out and do things or buy what ever they want and I sit here thinking thats nice for them and turning in to the green eyed monster because I struggle to afford anything. To have this money stress after so long a period of time where I didn't really have to worry about it is starting to wear me down.
I am thinking that even if my uni debt is cleared up that I won't be able to go back as I need to find a job so that I can support myself and have a little less money stress. Though if I don't go back to uni then I am giving up on my dream and my future security. Guess I need to find part time work and combine it with part time uni until I finish my degree.
I am lonely, stressed and depressed today. I feel like the majority of my friends don't give a damm about me and that hurts when I care so much about them. My bestfriends never contact me it always seem to be me contacting them. Cameron has been working out in the mines for over a year now and that combined with his move to Sydney has really effected our friendship. In the begining I would see him and spend time with him when he was back in Brisbane then he moved but would still make the time to come and see me on his way through Brisbane, now I haven't seen him in months and I miss him. Every so often he calls me but it is starting to feel like he only calls me because he is bored and wants to talk to someone not because he misses me and really desires my company. My other best friend has been distant for months even before Nathan and I broke up but now its just worse. It really hurts.
I have Master which is great and i love him and know he loves me but beyond him I feel all alone and isolated and right now I am just not coping.
Willow
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Requiem game and Money (V)
Great Vamp game last night... Yes I actually enjoyed myself at vamp and was involved in the game all night so much that time past really quickly and I was surprised when 15 min warning was given. A scene that had been months coming happened at last and it was. Having myself in a position where I was trying to be the 'human' shield for someone that every other charecter in the room wanted dead was actaully fun and even better was surving it and my little charecter being followed to her clearing without realising it by an elder gangral OD who didn't trust her to be alone when the person she is blood bound to has been captured and is about to be killed. Said elder has now taken her to his haven and is 'looking' after her. I can see a lot of fun and interesting (as well as deadly) roleplaying coming from this in the near future. Oh and I suffered for my roleplaying I now have a graze on my knee, a sore elbow and my nipples are hurting again but it was so worth it.
Money is stressful as always. I got paid on Friday and now after paying rent and the storage company I have $40 left to last me almost two weeks. Oh well guess I will just be spending the next two weeks at home and not doing anything, dealing with what ever food that housemates want to eat and not being able to go to the shop to buy fruit and fresh vegetables to substitute my diet and make it a little bit healthier. Also stressed because the gym fee will come out on the 5th and I won't have the money to pay it and I just opened my mail that Nathan had with him at game last night to find a $40 bill from a magazine subsciption I have to pay as well. Right now I just want to hide away from all this money stress and never think about it again.
Planning on going to Melbourne for Christmas. Not that I can afford too. At this point in time I have no idea how I am even going to afford christmas presents for anyone and having money to spend while I am in Melbourne is something that just wont happen.
Money is stressful as always. I got paid on Friday and now after paying rent and the storage company I have $40 left to last me almost two weeks. Oh well guess I will just be spending the next two weeks at home and not doing anything, dealing with what ever food that housemates want to eat and not being able to go to the shop to buy fruit and fresh vegetables to substitute my diet and make it a little bit healthier. Also stressed because the gym fee will come out on the 5th and I won't have the money to pay it and I just opened my mail that Nathan had with him at game last night to find a $40 bill from a magazine subsciption I have to pay as well. Right now I just want to hide away from all this money stress and never think about it again.
Planning on going to Melbourne for Christmas. Not that I can afford too. At this point in time I have no idea how I am even going to afford christmas presents for anyone and having money to spend while I am in Melbourne is something that just wont happen.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Changes. (M/s)
As I sit here there is a huge weight on my shoulders, It is the end of semester for me on Monday so I am busy trying to get assignments finished (or at least close to finished) and have skipped a role playing game that I am suppose to be coordiantor off so that I can work on my assignments before I go out to the vampire game tonight. I am stressed about assignments and I am also stressed because we lost my phone yesterday but even with all of this stress I am feeling good and floaty and its all because of one little (or huge) thing.
In the early hours of friday morning Teacher asked me to be his, we were talking and I knew where the conversation was going but for some reason I felt the need to talk, interrupt and avoid the conversation as much as possible. The only reason I can think of for wanting to avoid it was that to actaully hear the words made it real, to hear the words and say them back is/was scary. Eventually he got me to shut up and he asked if I would be his slave. I said yes but apprently i sounded like I wasn't sure so I turned around and simple said 'its a Yes because more then anything I want to be yours and its a yes because I love you' his response made me smile it was something along the lines of 'oh wow...umm... Jennifer, my slave, my girl, my property I love you too. Even thinking about it now makes me smile and makes me all warm inside. After that conversation we kind of got distracted with ummm other things (okay so it was some of the best sex I have had) and then went to sleep after talking some more about rules and expectations.
Yesterday we spent the morning in bed before going to southbank for coffee/tea insert choice beverage here. After southbank Master (mmmm that sounds so nice) wanted to head in to the city and wouldn't tell me why. At this point I should mention that we had a conversation about him wanting to get my nipple pierced earlier and I had said that if we were going to get them done I would like to get them done to mark the day and had asked over and over again if we could get them done that day with his answer being no. Eventaully I accepted that it wasn't going to happen and put the idea away to bring back out another day. Well we went in to the city and he lead me thorugh the streets and into a piercers/tatoo place. Talk about throwing me off balance I had put the idea away and was convinced that it wasn't going to happen when all of a sudden I had a tiny piece of time to compose myself in before getting them done.
Now I sit here with pierced nipples done at my Masters request. To me they are a sign of my submission to him, of giving control of my life to him, getting them done for him has made it clear in my mind that my body is no longer mine but belongs to my Master to with what he wishes. If he did not want them done then I would never have got them done on my own. I think at last I can somewhat understand how O felt in the story of O when she got her 'rings'. It will take time for my nipples to heal before Master can play with them, knowing how sadistic he can be I think I am grateful that I will have a while before he can play with them as I know there are all sorts of ways he could include them into bondage.
I am owned by a wonderful caring Master, I am loved and while I am afraid that he might change his mind and decide that he doesn't want me for now I am just happy to have Master not just teacher.
In the early hours of friday morning Teacher asked me to be his, we were talking and I knew where the conversation was going but for some reason I felt the need to talk, interrupt and avoid the conversation as much as possible. The only reason I can think of for wanting to avoid it was that to actaully hear the words made it real, to hear the words and say them back is/was scary. Eventually he got me to shut up and he asked if I would be his slave. I said yes but apprently i sounded like I wasn't sure so I turned around and simple said 'its a Yes because more then anything I want to be yours and its a yes because I love you' his response made me smile it was something along the lines of 'oh wow...umm... Jennifer, my slave, my girl, my property I love you too. Even thinking about it now makes me smile and makes me all warm inside. After that conversation we kind of got distracted with ummm other things (okay so it was some of the best sex I have had) and then went to sleep after talking some more about rules and expectations.
Yesterday we spent the morning in bed before going to southbank for coffee/tea insert choice beverage here. After southbank Master (mmmm that sounds so nice) wanted to head in to the city and wouldn't tell me why. At this point I should mention that we had a conversation about him wanting to get my nipple pierced earlier and I had said that if we were going to get them done I would like to get them done to mark the day and had asked over and over again if we could get them done that day with his answer being no. Eventaully I accepted that it wasn't going to happen and put the idea away to bring back out another day. Well we went in to the city and he lead me thorugh the streets and into a piercers/tatoo place. Talk about throwing me off balance I had put the idea away and was convinced that it wasn't going to happen when all of a sudden I had a tiny piece of time to compose myself in before getting them done.
Now I sit here with pierced nipples done at my Masters request. To me they are a sign of my submission to him, of giving control of my life to him, getting them done for him has made it clear in my mind that my body is no longer mine but belongs to my Master to with what he wishes. If he did not want them done then I would never have got them done on my own. I think at last I can somewhat understand how O felt in the story of O when she got her 'rings'. It will take time for my nipples to heal before Master can play with them, knowing how sadistic he can be I think I am grateful that I will have a while before he can play with them as I know there are all sorts of ways he could include them into bondage.
I am owned by a wonderful caring Master, I am loved and while I am afraid that he might change his mind and decide that he doesn't want me for now I am just happy to have Master not just teacher.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
assignment
The practitioner should politely but firmly refuse any advances from Julia and state clearly that the practitioners role is to support Julia's health through her work and that any other involvement is not appropriate. This should be done as soon as the practitioner feels that Julia is 'crossing the line', to avoid the situation progressing any further.
If the practitioner has a policy's document on display anywhere in the clinic she should use the “Rules” of her organization or practice to back up these statements which may make it easier to deliver without having to Julia feel personally rejected.
It may prove helpful to explain that it is against the practitioners ethics to see a client outside of work. The practitioner should explain that seeing a client (even just as a friend) can cause a conflict of interest. The client may feel embarrassed, disappointed or any number of other emotions at this point so it is important that the practitioner be prepared to have an open discussion with the client about the potential for harm that could come from stepping outside of the therapeutic relationship. (Power imbalances, projection, how knowledge of the person will change the relationship etc) In this discussion it is important to discuss proper boundaries.
If the practitioner feels that she cannot continue to provide her service for Julia, she should refer him to a suitable colleague. It should be made clear, however, that it would still be inappropriate for Julia to peruse her on a social/romantic level.
The Australian institute of professional counselors states that 'Dual relationships can be defined as social interactions between counselor and client, in addition to their professional (or therapeutic) relationship.' (http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/EthicalandLegalIssues/2007-09-10_Ethical_Situations_in_Counselling.php
This definition can easily be applied to relationships between Natural medicine practitioners and their clients.
The Australian institute of professional counselors referencing Karen Kitchener (1988),states that 'the types of dual relationships which were most likely to be detrimental to a therapeutic relationship included the following aspects: "incompatibility of expectations between roles; diverging obligations associated with different roles, which increases potential for loss of objectivity and; increased power and prestige between professionals and consumers, which increases the potential for exploitation"
There is much discussion in academic journals, books and professional websites on duel relationships and professional boundaries. It is a topic that has been discussed around the world for many years and the majority of literature usually has similar points of view and similar conclusions drawn about these relationships.
The issues of power and confidentiality mentioned earlier have the potential to affect the emotional health of the relationship and those involved in it.
Anyone who holds a position of power over another should exercise extreme caution when considering developing a personal relationship. While it may seem appropriate to engage in idle chatter, once the chatter starts becoming personal or revealing the issue of the personal relationship has the potential to affect the professional relationship and cause harm in the long run to the client/patient.
If the practitioner has a policy's document on display anywhere in the clinic she should use the “Rules” of her organization or practice to back up these statements which may make it easier to deliver without having to Julia feel personally rejected.
It may prove helpful to explain that it is against the practitioners ethics to see a client outside of work. The practitioner should explain that seeing a client (even just as a friend) can cause a conflict of interest. The client may feel embarrassed, disappointed or any number of other emotions at this point so it is important that the practitioner be prepared to have an open discussion with the client about the potential for harm that could come from stepping outside of the therapeutic relationship. (Power imbalances, projection, how knowledge of the person will change the relationship etc) In this discussion it is important to discuss proper boundaries.
If the practitioner feels that she cannot continue to provide her service for Julia, she should refer him to a suitable colleague. It should be made clear, however, that it would still be inappropriate for Julia to peruse her on a social/romantic level.
The Australian institute of professional counselors states that 'Dual relationships can be defined as social interactions between counselor and client, in addition to their professional (or therapeutic) relationship.' (http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/EthicalandLegalIssues/2007-09-10_Ethical_Situations_in_Counselling.php
This definition can easily be applied to relationships between Natural medicine practitioners and their clients.
The Australian institute of professional counselors referencing Karen Kitchener (1988),states that 'the types of dual relationships which were most likely to be detrimental to a therapeutic relationship included the following aspects: "incompatibility of expectations between roles; diverging obligations associated with different roles, which increases potential for loss of objectivity and; increased power and prestige between professionals and consumers, which increases the potential for exploitation"
There is much discussion in academic journals, books and professional websites on duel relationships and professional boundaries. It is a topic that has been discussed around the world for many years and the majority of literature usually has similar points of view and similar conclusions drawn about these relationships.
The issues of power and confidentiality mentioned earlier have the potential to affect the emotional health of the relationship and those involved in it.
Anyone who holds a position of power over another should exercise extreme caution when considering developing a personal relationship. While it may seem appropriate to engage in idle chatter, once the chatter starts becoming personal or revealing the issue of the personal relationship has the potential to affect the professional relationship and cause harm in the long run to the client/patient.
To combine or not to combine
I still don't know if I should use this blog as my everyday blog and just combine both the Vanilla and D/s side of my life in too one blog/journal rather then having multiple journals scattered around the internet. In some ways it makes sense to me to have both sides of my life represented in the one journal after all I am not just a slave just like I am not just a student, friends, daughter and all those other interactions that I write about in my other journals. I am a whole and complete person so does'nt it make sense to represent both sides here? or do I just keep it as a training/play log. If i combine my journals into one then Sir (Sorry I just can't use Teacher anymore) will get a better picture of what is going on in my life, of the things that are bothering me or making me happy, of my thoughts and feelings about everything not just D/s related stuff and if he is ever going to be my Master and I his slave then shouldn't he have access to those thoughts as well? The way my journals are at the moment I can make those thoughts private and he would never see them, hear in this blog everything is either public or private and I can't choose for just some entrys to be private. I like blogging because while I know that it is there on the internet and that anyone I give the address too can read it I also know that most of my friends would not bother to log in to read it, if its not on livejournal then they can't be bothered so what ever I write in here in just for Sir and myself. This would allow me to be even more open then I am over on Lj.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Am I really a slave?
Perhaps I am not a slave.
Perhaps I am just a sub who is playing at being a slave.
I have been thinking over the conversation that Teacher and I had while I was tied up last night and some elements of it are standing out in my mind refusing to let me find peace and I find myself asking if I could really live like that.
As a slave the only right I have is the right to breath everything else is a privelage.
As a slave I am property.
As a slave I take what ever my Master wants to give me whether pleasure or pain and don't have the right to complain or ask for anything more then what he chooses to give.
As property I do not own anything, everything I have belongs to my Master.
As property I can be lent to someone, given to someone, sold to someone and do not have a choice or a say in it.
I have problems with the idea of being shared with someone else, I desire to be used for my Masters pleasure but do not know how I would react if my Masters pleasure was to allow someone else to use me.
I have problems with not owning anything. I have so very little in my life that to give up what I do have is almost like tearing something out of myself. I enjoy shopping and getting new things but if nothing belongs to me then would I really enjoy shopping?
As a slave i would be expected to keep the home clean, cook the meals, clean up after dinner and still have the energy to serve my Master. Does it make me less of a slave because the idea of doing all the housework upsets me? Does it make me less of a slave because the idea of cooking every night upsets me? Does it make me less of a slave because I would want Master to do something around the house that I wouldn't want to them all?
As a slave any money I earnt through working or selling my craft items would belong to my Master. Would I resent working my bottom off just to hand over what I have earnt to somebody else.
As a slave I would study in the hope of making my Master proud but I wouldn't have the say over what I study that would be my Master's choice. If he ordered me to study something that I wasn't intersted in would I resent him?
How would I feel if he refused to let me in the bed with him? If I had to sleep on the floor next to the bed or even somewhere completly different? I know that I would be upset, I know that I would feel like he doesn't want me, care about me or love me.
As a slave should I expect my Master to love me? Do I have the right to expect anything of my Master?
Some restrictions I can handle and have learnt to handle better in the last two weeks. Restrictions on speech, food/drink, bathroom and touch are all easier to deal with and to be honest sometimes I almost enjoy them. The restrictions remind me that even when he is not here that he has control of me and knowing that he has control even as a distance I feel almost held by him as I go about my normal daily activitys. Could I handle other restrictions? I don't know.
So what is it that makes me a slave and not a sub? What is it apart from enjoying kinky activitys that makes me different from any other woman in a relationship?
What makes me a slave? I want to please my Master, no I need to please my Master. I want and need to give up control to a strong Master but I am terrified of giving it up. I will do things that I hate just because it is what my Master wishes me too, I will do what ever he asks me just because he asked... but how is that different from a sub?
Willow
Perhaps I am just a sub who is playing at being a slave.
I have been thinking over the conversation that Teacher and I had while I was tied up last night and some elements of it are standing out in my mind refusing to let me find peace and I find myself asking if I could really live like that.
As a slave the only right I have is the right to breath everything else is a privelage.
As a slave I am property.
As a slave I take what ever my Master wants to give me whether pleasure or pain and don't have the right to complain or ask for anything more then what he chooses to give.
As property I do not own anything, everything I have belongs to my Master.
As property I can be lent to someone, given to someone, sold to someone and do not have a choice or a say in it.
I have problems with the idea of being shared with someone else, I desire to be used for my Masters pleasure but do not know how I would react if my Masters pleasure was to allow someone else to use me.
I have problems with not owning anything. I have so very little in my life that to give up what I do have is almost like tearing something out of myself. I enjoy shopping and getting new things but if nothing belongs to me then would I really enjoy shopping?
As a slave i would be expected to keep the home clean, cook the meals, clean up after dinner and still have the energy to serve my Master. Does it make me less of a slave because the idea of doing all the housework upsets me? Does it make me less of a slave because the idea of cooking every night upsets me? Does it make me less of a slave because I would want Master to do something around the house that I wouldn't want to them all?
As a slave any money I earnt through working or selling my craft items would belong to my Master. Would I resent working my bottom off just to hand over what I have earnt to somebody else.
As a slave I would study in the hope of making my Master proud but I wouldn't have the say over what I study that would be my Master's choice. If he ordered me to study something that I wasn't intersted in would I resent him?
How would I feel if he refused to let me in the bed with him? If I had to sleep on the floor next to the bed or even somewhere completly different? I know that I would be upset, I know that I would feel like he doesn't want me, care about me or love me.
As a slave should I expect my Master to love me? Do I have the right to expect anything of my Master?
Some restrictions I can handle and have learnt to handle better in the last two weeks. Restrictions on speech, food/drink, bathroom and touch are all easier to deal with and to be honest sometimes I almost enjoy them. The restrictions remind me that even when he is not here that he has control of me and knowing that he has control even as a distance I feel almost held by him as I go about my normal daily activitys. Could I handle other restrictions? I don't know.
So what is it that makes me a slave and not a sub? What is it apart from enjoying kinky activitys that makes me different from any other woman in a relationship?
What makes me a slave? I want to please my Master, no I need to please my Master. I want and need to give up control to a strong Master but I am terrified of giving it up. I will do things that I hate just because it is what my Master wishes me too, I will do what ever he asks me just because he asked... but how is that different from a sub?
Willow
Not a happy slave.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm confussed and feeling very very alone regardless of who is around me. I don't know what to make of what is happening in my life or what is happening with Teacher. I know that I have very strong feelings for him, I know that I am falling in love with him and I know that he is falling for me yet neither of us can say to the other I love you those words just seem to hard.
I feel as though I am just a toy to be played with until he gets bored and puts me away, a toy to play with until a new toy comes along that takes his interest. He has all the advantages and benifits of having a slave without having to have the commitment or responsability of being a Master. He gets to have the advantages of having a girl who is falling harder every day, a girl who has already submitted more to his then she has to anyone else, a girl who even without the words, even without the collar looks at him as her Master and sees herself as his property but he doesn't have the commitment and can leave or make me leave at any time. He tells me that I will be in his collar by chirstmas but how do I know that he won't be bored with me by then?
On the vanilla side of things a few things have been said to me by people that worries me, things such as him living with two ex's sleeping with them both while having a girlfriend that bothers me or being told that he is not good in a relationship and can get bored and want to move on. Being told that something takes his attention for a few months and for that time they are his world and then he moves on all of this has me worried that nothing more will ever happen between us or that it will happen and that he will then leave me for someone better, someone new. Do I keep playing this game and see where the ride takes me? Do I open myself up to get hurt on the chance that I may not get hurt and that this could be something beautiful?
The way we are with each other, the way we act around each other, the way we look at each other is the same as any Master/slave Boyfriend/girlfriend looks at one another yet thats not what we are is it? At the moment we are both single and are 'just friends' yeah friends with benifits... I don't sleep with just anyone, I have never had a lover that wasn't also my partner and friend but what am I doing now? What are we? People are asking questions? His sister has been fishing for a couple of weeks and today she commented that we looked 'cosy' with each other and asked what was going on so I gave her the honest answer. I told her that I didn't know, that if I let myself, If i let go of everything I am holding back that I would fall for him and that I think he is falling for me. I feel guilty for telling her but to be honest it felt good to be able to discuss at least that vanilla side of things with somebody else, until she started making the comments about his past relationships and his lack of commitment.
Now I just feel really down and want to cry. I am sick of locking my feelings away and know that if I do it for much longer that those feelings will change the falling in love with you in a romantic way will change to the love that I have for my friends because it will have too. I can not keep the intensity of falling in love with someone locked behind a big steel door for much longer, it already hurts me to lock it away and some days it hurts to even look at him.
Last night Teacher (and I am starting to resent refering to him as teacher) played with me. He flogged me and pushed my pain tolerance a little bit and then later in the evening put me in to a fairly comfortable but secure bondage position. In this position he didn't play with me not in the way he usualy would either sensation or pain (which is a sensation anyway) instead he talked to me and questioned me on being a slave. He told me what it was to be a slave and asked if I could do that. Part of me thinks that he was trying to scare me off but it didn't work. After making me think about being a slave, after making me really consider what it is I would be getting myself into he untied me then picked up his laptop and pretty much ignored me to play his games - yeah sure he rubbed my wrists and ankles a little and spoke to me a little but right at that point in time I felt the most isolated that I have had in a while. While on the surface the scene was an easy one the things he got me thinking about were intense and raised intense emotions and feelings in me, rather then holding me and dealing with aftercare he played his computer then just to make it feel even worse before we went to sleep we got in to another conversation. This one was about relationships and all the things I have been talking about here. Right after pushing my pain limits, tieing me up and forcing me to confront just what it is I am asking for he told me that his not ready for commitment and doesn't want to open himself up to that kind of relationship.
Is it any wonder I feel like hell today? Is it any wonder that I am feeling somewhat resentful, Is it any wonder that I am sitting here wondering what the hell it is that I am doing? Today I even considered calling my safe word and telling him that I just want to be friends no training, no playing, no sleeping together just being normal friends but I can't do that because in my heart thats not what I want.
This entry has got long and its not even on the topic I was suppose to post about today but to be honest I don't have the motivation to write my fantasys up at the moment and I don't have the desire to share them with him when I am actaully feeling a little hurt and yes even in some ways a little used. I have not typed this entry up to make him feel bad or guilty that is the last thing I want. I typed this up to get it out in the hope that it will make me feel better, Teacher may have asked me to keep this blog but it is my blog and my place to work out how I am feeling. I am even considering using this blog for my day to day journal entrys so that I don't have to separte the two sides of myself and can just combine the vanilla and the D/s side in to one whole after all thats how I want to live my life but then another side of me thinks perhaps its better to keep the training/D/s journal separte.
Willow
I feel as though I am just a toy to be played with until he gets bored and puts me away, a toy to play with until a new toy comes along that takes his interest. He has all the advantages and benifits of having a slave without having to have the commitment or responsability of being a Master. He gets to have the advantages of having a girl who is falling harder every day, a girl who has already submitted more to his then she has to anyone else, a girl who even without the words, even without the collar looks at him as her Master and sees herself as his property but he doesn't have the commitment and can leave or make me leave at any time. He tells me that I will be in his collar by chirstmas but how do I know that he won't be bored with me by then?
On the vanilla side of things a few things have been said to me by people that worries me, things such as him living with two ex's sleeping with them both while having a girlfriend that bothers me or being told that he is not good in a relationship and can get bored and want to move on. Being told that something takes his attention for a few months and for that time they are his world and then he moves on all of this has me worried that nothing more will ever happen between us or that it will happen and that he will then leave me for someone better, someone new. Do I keep playing this game and see where the ride takes me? Do I open myself up to get hurt on the chance that I may not get hurt and that this could be something beautiful?
The way we are with each other, the way we act around each other, the way we look at each other is the same as any Master/slave Boyfriend/girlfriend looks at one another yet thats not what we are is it? At the moment we are both single and are 'just friends' yeah friends with benifits... I don't sleep with just anyone, I have never had a lover that wasn't also my partner and friend but what am I doing now? What are we? People are asking questions? His sister has been fishing for a couple of weeks and today she commented that we looked 'cosy' with each other and asked what was going on so I gave her the honest answer. I told her that I didn't know, that if I let myself, If i let go of everything I am holding back that I would fall for him and that I think he is falling for me. I feel guilty for telling her but to be honest it felt good to be able to discuss at least that vanilla side of things with somebody else, until she started making the comments about his past relationships and his lack of commitment.
Now I just feel really down and want to cry. I am sick of locking my feelings away and know that if I do it for much longer that those feelings will change the falling in love with you in a romantic way will change to the love that I have for my friends because it will have too. I can not keep the intensity of falling in love with someone locked behind a big steel door for much longer, it already hurts me to lock it away and some days it hurts to even look at him.
Last night Teacher (and I am starting to resent refering to him as teacher) played with me. He flogged me and pushed my pain tolerance a little bit and then later in the evening put me in to a fairly comfortable but secure bondage position. In this position he didn't play with me not in the way he usualy would either sensation or pain (which is a sensation anyway) instead he talked to me and questioned me on being a slave. He told me what it was to be a slave and asked if I could do that. Part of me thinks that he was trying to scare me off but it didn't work. After making me think about being a slave, after making me really consider what it is I would be getting myself into he untied me then picked up his laptop and pretty much ignored me to play his games - yeah sure he rubbed my wrists and ankles a little and spoke to me a little but right at that point in time I felt the most isolated that I have had in a while. While on the surface the scene was an easy one the things he got me thinking about were intense and raised intense emotions and feelings in me, rather then holding me and dealing with aftercare he played his computer then just to make it feel even worse before we went to sleep we got in to another conversation. This one was about relationships and all the things I have been talking about here. Right after pushing my pain limits, tieing me up and forcing me to confront just what it is I am asking for he told me that his not ready for commitment and doesn't want to open himself up to that kind of relationship.
Is it any wonder I feel like hell today? Is it any wonder that I am feeling somewhat resentful, Is it any wonder that I am sitting here wondering what the hell it is that I am doing? Today I even considered calling my safe word and telling him that I just want to be friends no training, no playing, no sleeping together just being normal friends but I can't do that because in my heart thats not what I want.
This entry has got long and its not even on the topic I was suppose to post about today but to be honest I don't have the motivation to write my fantasys up at the moment and I don't have the desire to share them with him when I am actaully feeling a little hurt and yes even in some ways a little used. I have not typed this entry up to make him feel bad or guilty that is the last thing I want. I typed this up to get it out in the hope that it will make me feel better, Teacher may have asked me to keep this blog but it is my blog and my place to work out how I am feeling. I am even considering using this blog for my day to day journal entrys so that I don't have to separte the two sides of myself and can just combine the vanilla and the D/s side in to one whole after all thats how I want to live my life but then another side of me thinks perhaps its better to keep the training/D/s journal separte.
Willow
Friday, October 19, 2007
Kitty/Pet Space - Human Kittys
When I was a child I would steal my grandmothers ball of wool to 'play' kitty, i would chase it all over the house on all fours, throw it around and leave wook trails everywhere by the time I was done with it she had to throw the ball of wool out but I would have had fun and the wool would have kept me quiet for hours. As I grew up my friends gave me the nickname kitty because apprently I have many kitty taits right now to my toes wiggiling like the tip of a cats tail would move without me being aware of it. Half the time instead of saying hello to Sir I will mew at home which is why he decided that I was a kitty. There were other animals I pretended to be i remember being camping with my father once and getting down on hands and knees to crawl in to a pile of leaves when he asked me what I was doing my response was that I was being a wombat and wanted to smell the ground the way a wombat would. Letting go of reality pretending that I was a kitty or a pretty pony or what ever animal was fun and I could do it for hours.I attended a play party in August and there is one conversation from that evening that has been playing in my mind for a while now. We got into a discussion about so many subs/slaves calling themselves kitty and if a cat was really a submissive creature. In general cats are not submissive they are fiercly indepenant creatures that will do what they want to do when they want to do it. To me that is not submissive and I could not understand why subs/slaves kept indentifying with cats the best answer I could come up with it that whole pretty sex kitten thing.
Teacher has got me thinking slightly different now after deciding that he wanted to do some kitty play with me. At first I made comments to him such as I thought you didn't like cats or kittys are not submissive and then we started doing some research. Yes research proved my point but we also came up with some interesting facts and found some interesting breeds of cats one that is descriped as the sprit of a dog in a cats body but still having the playful, graceful dignity of a kitty. When we found this breed something inside of my jumped with joy, I had been wanting to be a kitty for a long long time but could not let myself because of the non submissive kitty thing but now we have found a breed and the image what it looks like is so similar to what i see when i close my eyes and imainge myself as a cat that it makes me smile. Teacher has shown me that kittys can be submissive, can be trained and can be a lot of fun and now more then ever I am willing to submit to it and be a kitty when he wants me too, if that is how he wants me to amuse him then who am I to say no?
Yesterday he made me his kitty and played with me. He dangled a ball in front of me and I batted it around, when he dropped it I picked it up in my mouth and took it back to the bed, when he petted me I nudged him for more, when I was bored and wanted attention or dropped the ball and wanted him to pick it up I mewed. I playfully scratched at him and a few times was a naughty kitty and bit him. When kitty was naughty she was made to lie down on her bed and ignored until she was a good kitty again. I let go of the real world and for a while I was his kitty and it was fun and felt so good to be pleasing him and amusing him. I want to do it again and wonder how long it will be until Teacher decides that I am his kitten again.
While it was a fun I can also see how humilating it could be. How will I feel once he gets me a tail and ears. How will I feel if he is able to find a butt plug tail and forces me to wear it? I already know that being forced to wear a butt plug humilates me how much more would it humilate me if it had a tail attached? How will I feel when he makes me eat out of a pet bowl? (not that he needs me to be in pet space for that) What if he decides to make me use a litter tray? These things would all be humilating but on the flip side of the coin I look at pictures of kitty girls and can't help but think how pretty they are, how graceful they are, how cute the tail and ears look and want to experience what it is to really be in pet space.
Oh yeah as a last note when I close my eyes I can see myself as the breed and colour kitty that Teacher wants to be, what it amusing is that the colour is the colour of kitty I have always seen myself as and the markings are the same as I have always pictured. He has decided that his kitties breed is an Ocicat - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ocicat and her name is Rane (which means My joy)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Things can continue even when I am not well
My mind is always turning, jumping between what people would consider normal vanilla things such as what do I need to do on my assignments? or what do I need to get at the shops? to what people would consider kinky/fetish/BDSM/Lifestyle thoughts such as 'that feather duster could cause interesting sensations or I wonder if he will tie me up tonight or how can I serve him better' Lifestyle thoughts are just as much a part of my normal thought processes as normal vanilla type thoughts and I find myself having to censor comments around the normal vanilla people daily. I am happier around people accepting of the lifestyle when I can just be myself and say what ever comes in to my head. Is there something wrong with me that I think this way? The other day somebody asked me if D/s stuff is all that I ever think about as I kept asking him lifestyle related questions, not everything I have asked him is lifestyle there has been a lot of vanilla questions as well but as he is a potential Dom/Master I have been trying to find out as much as I can about his views on the D/s lifestyle. I think the way I can switch from one side to the other so seamlessly take some people a bit of time to get use too.
Yesterday I was sick, very sick, vomiting and a head that felt like it was going to explode anytime I moved or was anywhere near light. On first coming down sick and vomiting in the middle of the street the first thought I had was I want to talk to Teacher. The fact that he was the person I wanted to talk too, the voice that I wanted to hear to reassure me and tell me that it was going to be alright scares me as it means that I have put a great deal of trust in to him and also means that I see him in that position of Dom/Master in my life when thats not how things really are. Yes he is trainer and for all intents and purposes I am currently his girl but its still scary to realise thats how my mind is thinking. The second thought was Oh no I better hide the fact that I am sick as if he knows he will stop everything and things will go vanilla. In the end I was too sick to hide it and let Teacher know. To my great surprise he didn't stop everything, he lessened up on restictions a little bit letting me freely communicate with him and go the bathroom/eat and drink as I needed to but he was still Teacher, he was still in control and while I was too sick to be off any use to him I didn't feel that everything was vanilaa I still felt his control and still knew how things were. It was strange for me to still be able to feel that even when curled up in bed sick but it was also liberating to know that things can continue even when I am feeling bad.
Some restrictions are still continuing and while they can frustrate the hell out of me I do like how they make me feel controlled and let me know and feel my place at all times. Having to get permission for things make some of the everyday things not so boring and getting his permission when I am doing those things such as eating after he has given me permission too makes me feel almost held by him and safe and secure. Yes speech restrictions can really really annoy me but it also forces me to stop and think and choose my words carefully because next time he may not give me permission to speak. I think the fact that I know I can answer him when he talks to me and that he does still have conversations with me makes it easier to accept, in the past speech restrictions has meant no communication, not being able to communicate a thought or idea because it was just too much work and effort to get permission for everything.
Yesterday I was sick, very sick, vomiting and a head that felt like it was going to explode anytime I moved or was anywhere near light. On first coming down sick and vomiting in the middle of the street the first thought I had was I want to talk to Teacher. The fact that he was the person I wanted to talk too, the voice that I wanted to hear to reassure me and tell me that it was going to be alright scares me as it means that I have put a great deal of trust in to him and also means that I see him in that position of Dom/Master in my life when thats not how things really are. Yes he is trainer and for all intents and purposes I am currently his girl but its still scary to realise thats how my mind is thinking. The second thought was Oh no I better hide the fact that I am sick as if he knows he will stop everything and things will go vanilla. In the end I was too sick to hide it and let Teacher know. To my great surprise he didn't stop everything, he lessened up on restictions a little bit letting me freely communicate with him and go the bathroom/eat and drink as I needed to but he was still Teacher, he was still in control and while I was too sick to be off any use to him I didn't feel that everything was vanilaa I still felt his control and still knew how things were. It was strange for me to still be able to feel that even when curled up in bed sick but it was also liberating to know that things can continue even when I am feeling bad.
Some restrictions are still continuing and while they can frustrate the hell out of me I do like how they make me feel controlled and let me know and feel my place at all times. Having to get permission for things make some of the everyday things not so boring and getting his permission when I am doing those things such as eating after he has given me permission too makes me feel almost held by him and safe and secure. Yes speech restrictions can really really annoy me but it also forces me to stop and think and choose my words carefully because next time he may not give me permission to speak. I think the fact that I know I can answer him when he talks to me and that he does still have conversations with me makes it easier to accept, in the past speech restrictions has meant no communication, not being able to communicate a thought or idea because it was just too much work and effort to get permission for everything.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Safe calls
Before saying why I am making this post I am going to give the overview of what a safe call is.
A safe call is setting up a designated time (or times) in which the submissive or dominant calls a friend to let them know that everything with the meeting is going well. Some have a keyword that if spoken, means DANGER get me out of here! or something is wrong.
A safe call, can be a deterrent to an untrustworthy person and keep them from doing something wrong since the likelihood of them getting caught is greatly increased. Each person knows that someone is waiting on a phone call from the sub or dom and if that call is not received, rescue actions will be taken.
When setting up a safe call you need to be sure the person you will be calling will provide help if needed. You must provide your safe call with all the information you have on the person you are meeting, name, place you are meeting, times. Your safe call should also live in the same general area of where you will be meeting this person.
Why am I writing this post? This one is punishment for missing a safe call with Teacher two weeks ago. I met up with someone I had been talking to online in person and was suppose to call teacher at a set time to let him know all was fine but I got distracted and lost track of the time which caused him to worry about me and have to go out of his way to call me and make sure I was okay. Its not fair of me to have made him worry like that when he was doing something for my own safety or fair that he had to put himself out by calling me to make sure I was alright/ and I still feel a little guilty about it.
Within the D/s lifestyle in general their seems to be differing thoughts on safe calls. Some people see that as extremely important when playing with someone new to you while others think that they are a waste of time. The people who see them as a waste of time think this way because it will take police 24 hours to look for someone reported missing and by then anything could have happened as well as the fact that sometimes either the person who the safe call is too wants to go out or that the person who it is from is so caught up in a scene that they lose track of the time. I do think they are important when meeting someone new as at least if anything happens to you there is someone who can come looking for you before the police will bother.
A safe call is setting up a designated time (or times) in which the submissive or dominant calls a friend to let them know that everything with the meeting is going well. Some have a keyword that if spoken, means DANGER get me out of here! or something is wrong.
A safe call, can be a deterrent to an untrustworthy person and keep them from doing something wrong since the likelihood of them getting caught is greatly increased. Each person knows that someone is waiting on a phone call from the sub or dom and if that call is not received, rescue actions will be taken.
When setting up a safe call you need to be sure the person you will be calling will provide help if needed. You must provide your safe call with all the information you have on the person you are meeting, name, place you are meeting, times. Your safe call should also live in the same general area of where you will be meeting this person.
Why am I writing this post? This one is punishment for missing a safe call with Teacher two weeks ago. I met up with someone I had been talking to online in person and was suppose to call teacher at a set time to let him know all was fine but I got distracted and lost track of the time which caused him to worry about me and have to go out of his way to call me and make sure I was okay. Its not fair of me to have made him worry like that when he was doing something for my own safety or fair that he had to put himself out by calling me to make sure I was alright/ and I still feel a little guilty about it.
Within the D/s lifestyle in general their seems to be differing thoughts on safe calls. Some people see that as extremely important when playing with someone new to you while others think that they are a waste of time. The people who see them as a waste of time think this way because it will take police 24 hours to look for someone reported missing and by then anything could have happened as well as the fact that sometimes either the person who the safe call is too wants to go out or that the person who it is from is so caught up in a scene that they lose track of the time. I do think they are important when meeting someone new as at least if anything happens to you there is someone who can come looking for you before the police will bother.
Breaking
I have been giving some thought to just what it would take to really 'break' me of late, not just the little break that I am craving at the moment but the pushing me and then spending a lot of time bringing me back kind of like in the movie the secratary. Now i know that by writing this entry I am giving someone a huge insight in to the things that would break me and I am sure he has pleanty more ideas but these are just some of the things i know would start pulling me down and stripping away the layers
* Being forced to sleep on the floor, in a cage or closet with out much padding or blankets
* Being restrined and while restrained having my clothes torn or cut from me
* All restrictions plus being made to crawl at all times
* Long periods of kneeling
* humilation
* degration
* Sleep being interrupted to be used for his pleasure
* blind folded or hooded and no idea of time or day
* pushed off balance by never knowing what is coming
* him harsh strict and firm at all times - not seeing/hearing anything that makes me think he cares about me that i am anything more then an object for his use
* Forced to serve but there always being something wrong with everything i do and being punished for it
* Lots of pain, crys from pain ignored and forced to endure more the i ever think i could then left chained to the floor in a dark room on my own with him coming in and pissing on me or using me at he wishes.
* Being given water as needed but no food for a time
* No pleasure being given to me only pain
* Having to watch him play with another girl in front of me and praising her for being so good when everything i do is wrong.
* Being forced to watch him destory a fav item of clothing or being made to destroy it myself
* having my hair cut or shaved
Thats all i can think of at this point in time.
* Being forced to sleep on the floor, in a cage or closet with out much padding or blankets
* Being restrined and while restrained having my clothes torn or cut from me
* All restrictions plus being made to crawl at all times
* Long periods of kneeling
* humilation
* degration
* Sleep being interrupted to be used for his pleasure
* blind folded or hooded and no idea of time or day
* pushed off balance by never knowing what is coming
* him harsh strict and firm at all times - not seeing/hearing anything that makes me think he cares about me that i am anything more then an object for his use
* Forced to serve but there always being something wrong with everything i do and being punished for it
* Lots of pain, crys from pain ignored and forced to endure more the i ever think i could then left chained to the floor in a dark room on my own with him coming in and pissing on me or using me at he wishes.
* Being given water as needed but no food for a time
* No pleasure being given to me only pain
* Having to watch him play with another girl in front of me and praising her for being so good when everything i do is wrong.
* Being forced to watch him destory a fav item of clothing or being made to destroy it myself
* having my hair cut or shaved
Thats all i can think of at this point in time.
Restrictions again and being used
Okay I know that I have been flooding this blog with posts since Teacher reminded me that he asked me to write in it twice a week. Getting back in the habit of posting things in here is good for me anyway, its the one place I can actaully mention all elements of my life rather then have to hide what is going on, what I am thinking and feeling and just how much I want to one day be more then just a girl that teacher is training and want to be his.
Teacher and I were out for most of yesterday, having been out and getting home fairly late I didn't really expect anything from Teacher last night but typicaly he went and surprised me. We had a conversation about what things are just privelleges and then he decided to show me just what was a privelege and placed me under those restrictions again. No speaking without permission, no touching or look at him without permission, no eating, drinking or bathroom without permission and to drive it home a little more he also took away my name so rather then being called by the name given to me by my mother when I was born I was just girl or slave or slut or what ever he wanted to call me.
I know that I should not be surprised when he does things like this anymore, should not be surprised when he wants to use me or play with me or do anything with me but I am so use to someone for who using me was a chore and just something that he had to do to keep me happy. Its hard for me to come to terms with the fact that someone can use me, someone can tie me up or whip me or do what ever else because they really want too and enjoy it to me that is a strange concept.
Anyway with restrictions on he decided that he wanted me to come outside with him while he had a smoke. He had me wear only my slip and bra and kneel on the concrete head touching the ground while he did. I felt my heart rate speed up and some adrenlene start flowing as I knelt there listening to him talking to me, telling me that I had three things to be thankful for right at that moment. 1. That he allowed me to wear clothes outside, 2. That he allowed me to come out with him and have the pleasure of his company and 3. that he was putting me in my place and letting me know what I was. You know what at that moment I really did feel more of a slave then I have in a long time and really wanted to hang on to that feeling. Its how I want to feel and I am so grateful that he put me in a position where its what I was feeling.
Once he finished outside Teacher had me follow him inside crawing from the front door to the bed and then waiting kneeling by the bed until he said that I could get on it. As we lay on the bed me being careful not to touch him, or speak without permission he decided that he was going to use me. I don't need to go in to details of that all I will say is that as he used me I had my bra and slip on and somehow being used while wearing those items still made me feel even more like I was just a slave, just a slut, just a toy to be used when ever adding to that the restrictions and not being able to look at him while he was using me made it feel even more like i was just a slave to be used and it was amazing.
As I have said before restirctions are hard for me more so in the begining when they are first used on me then after that have been there for a few days and I have adjusted somewhat. They make me feel more submissive and remind me of what I am, remind me that I have given control over to someone else and by placing these restrictions on me or taking my name away from me he is utilising his control. At the moment these restrictions have made me feel like I have handed even more control across to Teacher and I can't but help to wonder what I have left that is mine and not his to control and everytime I hand control of something else over I want to give more. It seems to be this cycle that goes around and round in circles and I can't seem to stop it. I hand the control over and it makes me feel good so I want to give more to him. Sometimes I want to give myself to him but I know at the moment he would not accept me and knowing that, even knowing the reasons why does hurt a little bit. I want to be his girl, his slave, his slut, his toy, his friend and companion, his lover and everything else that goes along with it but I will have to wait and hope that time doesn't change things, hope that time doesn't make us just friends and never able to be anything else. In the meantime I will be grateful for what I have after all what else can I do?
Oh as a last note restrictions are not currently on as he is at work.
Willow
Teacher and I were out for most of yesterday, having been out and getting home fairly late I didn't really expect anything from Teacher last night but typicaly he went and surprised me. We had a conversation about what things are just privelleges and then he decided to show me just what was a privelege and placed me under those restrictions again. No speaking without permission, no touching or look at him without permission, no eating, drinking or bathroom without permission and to drive it home a little more he also took away my name so rather then being called by the name given to me by my mother when I was born I was just girl or slave or slut or what ever he wanted to call me.
I know that I should not be surprised when he does things like this anymore, should not be surprised when he wants to use me or play with me or do anything with me but I am so use to someone for who using me was a chore and just something that he had to do to keep me happy. Its hard for me to come to terms with the fact that someone can use me, someone can tie me up or whip me or do what ever else because they really want too and enjoy it to me that is a strange concept.
Anyway with restrictions on he decided that he wanted me to come outside with him while he had a smoke. He had me wear only my slip and bra and kneel on the concrete head touching the ground while he did. I felt my heart rate speed up and some adrenlene start flowing as I knelt there listening to him talking to me, telling me that I had three things to be thankful for right at that moment. 1. That he allowed me to wear clothes outside, 2. That he allowed me to come out with him and have the pleasure of his company and 3. that he was putting me in my place and letting me know what I was. You know what at that moment I really did feel more of a slave then I have in a long time and really wanted to hang on to that feeling. Its how I want to feel and I am so grateful that he put me in a position where its what I was feeling.
Once he finished outside Teacher had me follow him inside crawing from the front door to the bed and then waiting kneeling by the bed until he said that I could get on it. As we lay on the bed me being careful not to touch him, or speak without permission he decided that he was going to use me. I don't need to go in to details of that all I will say is that as he used me I had my bra and slip on and somehow being used while wearing those items still made me feel even more like I was just a slave, just a slut, just a toy to be used when ever adding to that the restrictions and not being able to look at him while he was using me made it feel even more like i was just a slave to be used and it was amazing.
As I have said before restirctions are hard for me more so in the begining when they are first used on me then after that have been there for a few days and I have adjusted somewhat. They make me feel more submissive and remind me of what I am, remind me that I have given control over to someone else and by placing these restrictions on me or taking my name away from me he is utilising his control. At the moment these restrictions have made me feel like I have handed even more control across to Teacher and I can't but help to wonder what I have left that is mine and not his to control and everytime I hand control of something else over I want to give more. It seems to be this cycle that goes around and round in circles and I can't seem to stop it. I hand the control over and it makes me feel good so I want to give more to him. Sometimes I want to give myself to him but I know at the moment he would not accept me and knowing that, even knowing the reasons why does hurt a little bit. I want to be his girl, his slave, his slut, his toy, his friend and companion, his lover and everything else that goes along with it but I will have to wait and hope that time doesn't change things, hope that time doesn't make us just friends and never able to be anything else. In the meantime I will be grateful for what I have after all what else can I do?
Oh as a last note restrictions are not currently on as he is at work.
Willow
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Conflict
Last night Teacher and I came across our first major misunderstanding/issue in the relationship between the two of us. He misunderstood the way that I was feeling and I misunderstood the meaning of his words this caused an issue where both of us felt hurt, confussed, angry and for me I was terrified that he wouldn't want me now, that he would leave me. Rather then sweeping the issues under the carpet and ignoring them however he made me talk about them, he dug deep to the bottom of what had happened to find the cause of my reaction and we talked for a long time about it. Right at that moment I didn't want to talk I wanted to make myself as small as I could, to kneel with my head on the ground of throw my self at his feet and beg him to forgive me but he wouldn't let me and made me kneel on all fours and discuss it with him and today in the daylight I am glad that he did make me talk, glad that he cares enough to have dug deep for the root of an issue rather then just punish me and forget about it.
His reaction makes me feel cared about and safe with him. He also admited to me that he loves me in a non romantic way at the moment but that he could see that changing as he sees me getting over and moving on from my ex. His 'confession' made me open up too and tell him that I loved him and am doing everything I can to stop myself 'falling' in love with him as it wouldn't be fair to him while I still have feelings for my ex.
His reaction makes me feel cared about and safe with him. He also admited to me that he loves me in a non romantic way at the moment but that he could see that changing as he sees me getting over and moving on from my ex. His 'confession' made me open up too and tell him that I loved him and am doing everything I can to stop myself 'falling' in love with him as it wouldn't be fair to him while I still have feelings for my ex.
Restrictions
When things that one takes for granted are restricted the mind does funny things and makes it so that all you seem to be able to thing about are the things that are restricted to you. Tonight teacher has put some restrictions on me that are usualy not there. I am not to look at him without permission, speak to him without persion, touch him without permission, eat or drink without permission or go to the bathroom without permission. All things that I take for granted but now that they are restricted its all I can think about.
Not being able to speak freely is something that has always had a large effect on me, it frustrates me having to get permission to speak and so a lot of the time when I want to say something I just let it pass as getting permission to speak sometimes feels humilating or the thing that I wanted to say feels like its not important enough to bother Teacher. It also makes me feel even more submissive and seems to do something to my brain that kicks me in to slave mode. Its another one of those hate/love things for me I think.
I am usualy a fairly touchy snuggly person so not being able to touch and snuggle up to someone I care about is also a hard thing. Touch says so much to me and is something I find reassuring without touch and without speech I do feel a little issolated and alone and I know that there is nothing I can do about it until Teacher decides to lift restirctions or I ask for permission. Adding on to that not being able to look in someones eyes when eyes are the window to soul and yeah it does effect me and it does bring out more of the slave in me making me more aware of what I am and what my life is about.
The funny thing is that right now I may feel a little issolated and alone but a big part of me wants him to keep treating me like this, a big part of me wants him to be even stricter, meaner and treat me even more like a slave though I doubt he will most people I find have problems treating a girl that way it seems the more they care about you the harder then find it is to do things like treating you like property or a toy and of the course the ones that can treat a girl like that don't seem to know when to switch it off, when enough is enough and they need some TLC.
Oh and as a short side note the having to ask permission to use the bathroom, eat and/or drink is something that I find humilating and hard to give control up over.
Not being able to speak freely is something that has always had a large effect on me, it frustrates me having to get permission to speak and so a lot of the time when I want to say something I just let it pass as getting permission to speak sometimes feels humilating or the thing that I wanted to say feels like its not important enough to bother Teacher. It also makes me feel even more submissive and seems to do something to my brain that kicks me in to slave mode. Its another one of those hate/love things for me I think.
I am usualy a fairly touchy snuggly person so not being able to touch and snuggle up to someone I care about is also a hard thing. Touch says so much to me and is something I find reassuring without touch and without speech I do feel a little issolated and alone and I know that there is nothing I can do about it until Teacher decides to lift restirctions or I ask for permission. Adding on to that not being able to look in someones eyes when eyes are the window to soul and yeah it does effect me and it does bring out more of the slave in me making me more aware of what I am and what my life is about.
The funny thing is that right now I may feel a little issolated and alone but a big part of me wants him to keep treating me like this, a big part of me wants him to be even stricter, meaner and treat me even more like a slave though I doubt he will most people I find have problems treating a girl that way it seems the more they care about you the harder then find it is to do things like treating you like property or a toy and of the course the ones that can treat a girl like that don't seem to know when to switch it off, when enough is enough and they need some TLC.
Oh and as a short side note the having to ask permission to use the bathroom, eat and/or drink is something that I find humilating and hard to give control up over.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Toy bag
A while ago Teacher asked me to make him a list of items that I think any Dom/Master should have. Until now I forgot all about that request but I was just reading a post on the forums that reminded me.
1. Good quality restraint set - wrists, ankles, collar and lead and depending on your finances a bondage belt and/or breat harsness as well. (Personaly I also like them all to be able to be padlocked as it feels so much more secure)
2. Flogger.
3. Paddle. (Two sided ones are good hard and mean on one side and soft fur on the other)
4. Cane.
5. Nipple clamps.
6. Gag (or two or three)
7. Blindfold/ Satin or silk ties.
8. Rope, rope and more rope - You can never have too much rope
9. Low temp Candles.
10. Household items such as Lube (don't need to explain this one), Toothpaste and/or tigerbalm/peppermint oil Tiny bit on 'pink' areas create big effect, Listerine Strips (similar to toothpaste) chopsticks, elastic bands, dental floss
11. Hardware - Chain, panic snaps, clips, padlocks for restraints.
12. Hoods - one light (spandex etc) one strict. (leather/pvc/Latex)
13. Spreader bars.
14. Ear plugs.
15. Insertables. (bullets, dildos, plugs, balls)
16. Safety shears/bolt cutters
17. First aid kit/ blood stop spray
18. Sports drink/water bottle
19. Jelly beans/sugar hit
20. Small 'sub' blanket
1. Good quality restraint set - wrists, ankles, collar and lead and depending on your finances a bondage belt and/or breat harsness as well. (Personaly I also like them all to be able to be padlocked as it feels so much more secure)
2. Flogger.
3. Paddle. (Two sided ones are good hard and mean on one side and soft fur on the other)
4. Cane.
5. Nipple clamps.
6. Gag (or two or three)
7. Blindfold/ Satin or silk ties.
8. Rope, rope and more rope - You can never have too much rope
9. Low temp Candles.
10. Household items such as Lube (don't need to explain this one), Toothpaste and/or tigerbalm/peppermint oil Tiny bit on 'pink' areas create big effect, Listerine Strips (similar to toothpaste) chopsticks, elastic bands, dental floss
11. Hardware - Chain, panic snaps, clips, padlocks for restraints.
12. Hoods - one light (spandex etc) one strict. (leather/pvc/Latex)
13. Spreader bars.
14. Ear plugs.
15. Insertables. (bullets, dildos, plugs, balls)
16. Safety shears/bolt cutters
17. First aid kit/ blood stop spray
18. Sports drink/water bottle
19. Jelly beans/sugar hit
20. Small 'sub' blanket
What I want
So I have been asked to do another post this time on a particular topic. The topic for this post is what do I need/want right now.
Lets see what do I need, what do I want. On a normal day to day vanilla level I need security and stability, I need to feel like the place I live is my home not just somewhere I am staying.
I need to add more fresh fruit and vegetables to my diet as well as cutting back on coffee and dairy unless it is lactose free. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to buy myself some salad things and have a small amount with what ever we have for dinner every night. As well as having at least one glass of V juice a day for a little more fruit and vegetable intake.
I need people to understand that I am an introvert and part of being an introvert is that I tend to feel drained when I am around people for too long and need to get back to my space to recharge. There are very few people that I can handle being in my space when I need to recharge but those people know who they are.I need to have time and space to myself to think, to rest, to meditate and to relax and reflect and not feel like like I am being antisocial or rude for taking this time and space. When I don't get this space and time I am exhausted and get major headaches. I need people to understand that me being distant or not feeling like being social is not because I dislike them or am upset with them its just that this is how I work and trying to force me to be social in a misguided attempt to overcome this 'problem' just makes it worse. I enjoy being socail, I enjoy interacting with peope and discussing the world with them, I enjoy playing games or going out but I get to a point where enough is enough and I have to step away from it and retreat back to my 'sanctury'
I need my finances to be better which means that I need to find at least a part time job, anything that I can get a little bit of extra money to help me get by paying the bills I need to pay as well as having enough money left over for things like text books.
I need to get myself a top sheet - Its getting to hot to sleep under the doona and when I don't I wake up with mossie bites driving me insane.
Now on to the D/s side of my life. What do I need right now?
I need to feel controlled and know my place. I need to feel that somebody wants me and know that I am a good slave who does deserve a good Master. I need to feel like I am wanted, like somebody wants to use me and that I can please them with my submission. I need someone that I can serve without hesitation, someone that I can trust and know that they are not going to hurt me or push me so far beyond what I can handle that they can not bring me back. I need someone willing to push my limits, willing to force me to do even the things that I don't particularly want to do.
Right now I crave a nice long scene where I can submit and be pleasing, something that pushes me and makes me feel and know my place in the world. For just a little while I want to feel like nothing more then an object or toy something for someone elses amusement. I want someone to break me down a little bit, not all the way, not completly just a little bit.
Lets see what do I need, what do I want. On a normal day to day vanilla level I need security and stability, I need to feel like the place I live is my home not just somewhere I am staying.
I need to add more fresh fruit and vegetables to my diet as well as cutting back on coffee and dairy unless it is lactose free. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to buy myself some salad things and have a small amount with what ever we have for dinner every night. As well as having at least one glass of V juice a day for a little more fruit and vegetable intake.
I need people to understand that I am an introvert and part of being an introvert is that I tend to feel drained when I am around people for too long and need to get back to my space to recharge. There are very few people that I can handle being in my space when I need to recharge but those people know who they are.I need to have time and space to myself to think, to rest, to meditate and to relax and reflect and not feel like like I am being antisocial or rude for taking this time and space. When I don't get this space and time I am exhausted and get major headaches. I need people to understand that me being distant or not feeling like being social is not because I dislike them or am upset with them its just that this is how I work and trying to force me to be social in a misguided attempt to overcome this 'problem' just makes it worse. I enjoy being socail, I enjoy interacting with peope and discussing the world with them, I enjoy playing games or going out but I get to a point where enough is enough and I have to step away from it and retreat back to my 'sanctury'
I need my finances to be better which means that I need to find at least a part time job, anything that I can get a little bit of extra money to help me get by paying the bills I need to pay as well as having enough money left over for things like text books.
I need to get myself a top sheet - Its getting to hot to sleep under the doona and when I don't I wake up with mossie bites driving me insane.
Now on to the D/s side of my life. What do I need right now?
I need to feel controlled and know my place. I need to feel that somebody wants me and know that I am a good slave who does deserve a good Master. I need to feel like I am wanted, like somebody wants to use me and that I can please them with my submission. I need someone that I can serve without hesitation, someone that I can trust and know that they are not going to hurt me or push me so far beyond what I can handle that they can not bring me back. I need someone willing to push my limits, willing to force me to do even the things that I don't particularly want to do.
Right now I crave a nice long scene where I can submit and be pleasing, something that pushes me and makes me feel and know my place in the world. For just a little while I want to feel like nothing more then an object or toy something for someone elses amusement. I want someone to break me down a little bit, not all the way, not completly just a little bit.
Sex and bondage
I'm posting because I have too... while thats the truth its not quite the whole truth. I am posting because I am mean to post at least once a week and havent in almost two, no reason, no excuse just that it kept slipping my mind which as I said isn't an excuse.
Today it is four weeks since the very first time I handed any control over to Teacher, four weeks ago I was still with my ex but knew that things were not working out, four weeks ago I was so desparte to feel some control, some domiance that when I went to the shopping centre with Teacher I ended up handing some control over to him and while it was scary I loved it. Four weeks on and he has a lot of control over my life, he is Teacher and Trainer, he is a friend and companion and recently he has also been a lover.
It is strange for me to make love with anyone that I am not in a long term commited relationship with, I have never been one to have lovers that could have something to do with the fact that I have been in very long term relationships and very rarely single. I enjoy being with Teacher for the first time in my life I am enjoying sex and not just seeing it as a chore or something I have to do to make sure the male I am with wants me. Its fun, even when its almost just sex without anything much of the BDSM side of things it is still fun, it is still enjoyable and for some reason I am able to lose myself in it, lose my awareness of the outside world, lose my awarness of my body flaws. Yes I always start extremly aware of my weight and wanting to hide it but after a little while thats not even on my mind, the only thing that is on my mind is pleasing Teacher, making him feel good and while it does feel good for me (even without always being allowed to cum) I feel good when I have mad Teacher feel good. I know that I often say that BDSM does not equal sex and I still beleive that though I can also see where it ties in - it is nice sometimes to feel like I am just a toy for someone peasure, just an object but thats only nice when there is a layer of caring around it as well. Through discovering sex (it feels like sex is a new thing in my life like until this moment I was a virgin) I am also embracing what it is to be a woman and letting myself feel these things, telling myself that enjoying sex that wanting sex doesn't make me a slut it just makes me a normal woman with feelings and needs has been one of the most freeing things I have experienced in a long time.
Moving on from sex, Teacher has been experiementing with different bondage and I love it. It seems every time he ties me it up it is a different position in a different way. I am a rope slut I love rope but with my ex the only way he ever tied me up was spread eagle and that gets boring. Teacher is pushing me with bondage that feels simple, feels like I c0uld escape but I cant, or bondage that if i move the wrong way it will hurt. He is putting me in to positions where I am vunerable and he could do anything to me and I just have to trust that he won't hurt me. Its terrifing and so satisfying at the same time that after every scene ends I look forward to the next one.
Teacher has control over many aspects of my life at the moment and it scares me how easily I have given him that control and how easily I want to give it all over to him but won't allow myself too. Sometimes I feel like he is just training me for something to do until he finds his own girl and that he would never want me, i think that only time will show if that one is the truth.
So there we go an update on how I am feeling and what I am thinking, hopefully it wil be enough to make Teacher happy with me.
Willow
Today it is four weeks since the very first time I handed any control over to Teacher, four weeks ago I was still with my ex but knew that things were not working out, four weeks ago I was so desparte to feel some control, some domiance that when I went to the shopping centre with Teacher I ended up handing some control over to him and while it was scary I loved it. Four weeks on and he has a lot of control over my life, he is Teacher and Trainer, he is a friend and companion and recently he has also been a lover.
It is strange for me to make love with anyone that I am not in a long term commited relationship with, I have never been one to have lovers that could have something to do with the fact that I have been in very long term relationships and very rarely single. I enjoy being with Teacher for the first time in my life I am enjoying sex and not just seeing it as a chore or something I have to do to make sure the male I am with wants me. Its fun, even when its almost just sex without anything much of the BDSM side of things it is still fun, it is still enjoyable and for some reason I am able to lose myself in it, lose my awareness of the outside world, lose my awarness of my body flaws. Yes I always start extremly aware of my weight and wanting to hide it but after a little while thats not even on my mind, the only thing that is on my mind is pleasing Teacher, making him feel good and while it does feel good for me (even without always being allowed to cum) I feel good when I have mad Teacher feel good. I know that I often say that BDSM does not equal sex and I still beleive that though I can also see where it ties in - it is nice sometimes to feel like I am just a toy for someone peasure, just an object but thats only nice when there is a layer of caring around it as well. Through discovering sex (it feels like sex is a new thing in my life like until this moment I was a virgin) I am also embracing what it is to be a woman and letting myself feel these things, telling myself that enjoying sex that wanting sex doesn't make me a slut it just makes me a normal woman with feelings and needs has been one of the most freeing things I have experienced in a long time.
Moving on from sex, Teacher has been experiementing with different bondage and I love it. It seems every time he ties me it up it is a different position in a different way. I am a rope slut I love rope but with my ex the only way he ever tied me up was spread eagle and that gets boring. Teacher is pushing me with bondage that feels simple, feels like I c0uld escape but I cant, or bondage that if i move the wrong way it will hurt. He is putting me in to positions where I am vunerable and he could do anything to me and I just have to trust that he won't hurt me. Its terrifing and so satisfying at the same time that after every scene ends I look forward to the next one.
Teacher has control over many aspects of my life at the moment and it scares me how easily I have given him that control and how easily I want to give it all over to him but won't allow myself too. Sometimes I feel like he is just training me for something to do until he finds his own girl and that he would never want me, i think that only time will show if that one is the truth.
So there we go an update on how I am feeling and what I am thinking, hopefully it wil be enough to make Teacher happy with me.
Willow
Monday, October 1, 2007
Dream date/perfect day
The day before a letter arrives with a bunch of roses it is handwritten and scented on beautiful parchement or good quality paper inside the envelope is a few dried rose petals. The letter informs me that a car will be picking me up the next morning that i need to dress casualy but bring the contents of the box with me. With the letters and roses is a box I open the box to find a beautiful evening gown for me to wear and a pair of maching shoes.
The next morning comes and a car arrives to pick me up, when I get in to the car my date is waiting for me, the first thing that he does is tie a silk blindfold softly around my eyes and then as the car continues to its destination he holds me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. The car stops and my date carefully helps me out making sure that the blindfold is still in place he leads me carefully and tenderly to the next leg of the journey. By the sounds around me I know that we at an airport, we carefully make our way up some stairs and into what could only be a waiting light aircraft. Still my date keeps me blindfolded. Time passes and before long the aircraft lands, I am assited out of the craft and lead somewhere it is now that the blindfold is taken and I can see. As my eyes adjust to the bright light of day I find that we are on a private secluded beach with bush right beside it. A picnic is laid out in front of me and we spend the day being together, eating, skinny dipping in the crystal clear water and talking.
After we have finished with the food we go for a walk in to the bush and I end up finding myself being stripped and bound over a fallen tree bottom in the air ready for a good spanking and for what ever my date/Dom/Master wants to do to me. I am flogged and whipped until I think I can take no more and just as I am at breaking point it stops and I feel his hands tenderly stroking me, lovingly caressing my body. He unties me and we head back to our private secluded beach where on a soft picnic blanket we have tender passionate sex. Ands the sun sets over the water the plane returns to pick us up and we head back to the city where we still have the evening to look forward too.
On arriving back at the city we head to a hotel where we shower and get ready to go out for dinner. I change in to the dress and shoes taking time to do my hair and makeup so that i look perfect for my date/Dom/Master. Once I am ready he surprises me with a beautiful necklace that he places around my neck complimenting the outfit perfectly. He has thought of everything and even has a small evening bag for me to place my essentials in that matches the shoes. We have dinner in a five star restraunt in a private dining room in a corner a string quartet plays just for us. After dinner we attend the theater and eventaully make our way back to our hotel room which has been magicaly trandformed while we were out. Roses are every where rosepetals are scattered over the bed and strawberries and champaigne wait for us. A double spa has been filled and that too has rose petals floating on the water, the only light in the room is from candals and soft music plays in the background.
We explore each others bodies, spend hours in the spa for this night there is nobody else in the world except for the two of us. We do what we want and my date/Dom/Master uses me as he wishes. He ties me to the bed and drips candle wax over my body followed by ice, he teases me and keeps me on edge until I am a quivering ball of jelly begging for him to make love too and eventually he does. He uses me, makes love to me and eventually we drift off in to a happy dreamy sleep holding each other.
The next morning comes and a car arrives to pick me up, when I get in to the car my date is waiting for me, the first thing that he does is tie a silk blindfold softly around my eyes and then as the car continues to its destination he holds me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. The car stops and my date carefully helps me out making sure that the blindfold is still in place he leads me carefully and tenderly to the next leg of the journey. By the sounds around me I know that we at an airport, we carefully make our way up some stairs and into what could only be a waiting light aircraft. Still my date keeps me blindfolded. Time passes and before long the aircraft lands, I am assited out of the craft and lead somewhere it is now that the blindfold is taken and I can see. As my eyes adjust to the bright light of day I find that we are on a private secluded beach with bush right beside it. A picnic is laid out in front of me and we spend the day being together, eating, skinny dipping in the crystal clear water and talking.
After we have finished with the food we go for a walk in to the bush and I end up finding myself being stripped and bound over a fallen tree bottom in the air ready for a good spanking and for what ever my date/Dom/Master wants to do to me. I am flogged and whipped until I think I can take no more and just as I am at breaking point it stops and I feel his hands tenderly stroking me, lovingly caressing my body. He unties me and we head back to our private secluded beach where on a soft picnic blanket we have tender passionate sex. Ands the sun sets over the water the plane returns to pick us up and we head back to the city where we still have the evening to look forward too.
On arriving back at the city we head to a hotel where we shower and get ready to go out for dinner. I change in to the dress and shoes taking time to do my hair and makeup so that i look perfect for my date/Dom/Master. Once I am ready he surprises me with a beautiful necklace that he places around my neck complimenting the outfit perfectly. He has thought of everything and even has a small evening bag for me to place my essentials in that matches the shoes. We have dinner in a five star restraunt in a private dining room in a corner a string quartet plays just for us. After dinner we attend the theater and eventaully make our way back to our hotel room which has been magicaly trandformed while we were out. Roses are every where rosepetals are scattered over the bed and strawberries and champaigne wait for us. A double spa has been filled and that too has rose petals floating on the water, the only light in the room is from candals and soft music plays in the background.
We explore each others bodies, spend hours in the spa for this night there is nobody else in the world except for the two of us. We do what we want and my date/Dom/Master uses me as he wishes. He ties me to the bed and drips candle wax over my body followed by ice, he teases me and keeps me on edge until I am a quivering ball of jelly begging for him to make love too and eventually he does. He uses me, makes love to me and eventually we drift off in to a happy dreamy sleep holding each other.
Messages
Because I am a hopeless romantic and the messages were so nice and sweet I have decide that I should post them here. These messages were sent about twenty minutes after we said goodbye last night.
Willow thanks for a magical day out and I hope there are many more to come. It was refresing to spend a day with such a beautiful special girl who has a wonderful and so very intersting personaility and the ability to express herself and open up. Hope Teacher is not too hard on you for missing your check in :) Have a wonderful night will speak to you soon.
Hi, its me that should be thanking you. You restored my faith that not every Dom just wants to get under my skirts and that some are interested in me as a person not just a slave. I had a wonderful time and enjoyed myself a lot. Who would have ever thought that I could spend hours on a bench talking about such a wide range of topics and not once feel threatned. Thank you.
You are welcome for the first time in a long time i have felt happy and relaxed and been able to be my true self. I think sitting and talking is something so special and being comfortable sharing ones inner most thoughts is wonderful. Life is about sharing special moments with special people and the most attactive part of you is your mind. I think I could have sat there all night chatting to you.
Nah I would have put you to sleep eventually. It was nice to be able to jump from normal everyday topics to lifestyle topics and back without even much of a pause.
Nah I don't think you could have bored me. I felt alive and was loving it. I think that sort op openness and ability to just talk is something I have always dreamed of finding. I never once felt uncomfortable or like anything was forced.
I'm glad i could make you feel that way. I think coffee today was a very good idea. It was so very enjoyable and your right nothing felt forced. I hope I have not scared you off with my history or anything else.
Coffee was a great idea. Thank you for inviting me. And you have no scared me off in the slightest. If anything I want to know more and know it all. I can think of nothing more beautiful then discovering the person you are and enjoying who you are. I look forward to many more moments with you discussing life and each other. I better leave you to Teacher. So I will say goodnight and thank you again. I'll send you a message or two over the next week.
Now today alone he has already send my three not that I mind when I am sitting here bored anyway.
Willow thanks for a magical day out and I hope there are many more to come. It was refresing to spend a day with such a beautiful special girl who has a wonderful and so very intersting personaility and the ability to express herself and open up. Hope Teacher is not too hard on you for missing your check in :) Have a wonderful night will speak to you soon.
Hi, its me that should be thanking you. You restored my faith that not every Dom just wants to get under my skirts and that some are interested in me as a person not just a slave. I had a wonderful time and enjoyed myself a lot. Who would have ever thought that I could spend hours on a bench talking about such a wide range of topics and not once feel threatned. Thank you.
You are welcome for the first time in a long time i have felt happy and relaxed and been able to be my true self. I think sitting and talking is something so special and being comfortable sharing ones inner most thoughts is wonderful. Life is about sharing special moments with special people and the most attactive part of you is your mind. I think I could have sat there all night chatting to you.
Nah I would have put you to sleep eventually. It was nice to be able to jump from normal everyday topics to lifestyle topics and back without even much of a pause.
Nah I don't think you could have bored me. I felt alive and was loving it. I think that sort op openness and ability to just talk is something I have always dreamed of finding. I never once felt uncomfortable or like anything was forced.
I'm glad i could make you feel that way. I think coffee today was a very good idea. It was so very enjoyable and your right nothing felt forced. I hope I have not scared you off with my history or anything else.
Coffee was a great idea. Thank you for inviting me. And you have no scared me off in the slightest. If anything I want to know more and know it all. I can think of nothing more beautiful then discovering the person you are and enjoying who you are. I look forward to many more moments with you discussing life and each other. I better leave you to Teacher. So I will say goodnight and thank you again. I'll send you a message or two over the next week.
Now today alone he has already send my three not that I mind when I am sitting here bored anyway.
Some play and a first meeting
I wanted to submit, wanted to surrender, wanted to just let go for a while and not have to think and he gave me that on Saturday night. He seems to do it so easily, doesn't seem to even really have to think about it but to him being in control being Dominant seems to be as natural as being a slave is to me. Everytime I give up control to him or he takes it I find myself wanting to give up more. Everytime he has used me as a slave I find myself wanting to be used again, wanting to please and be found pleasing. Wanting to serve and submit. Why is it so easy for me to give him this control? Why is it so easy for me to let him do as he wishes with me, Why am I able to put no limits on myself, no limits on what he can do with me and trust that he won't push me too far?
Saturday night we were tired but he still managed to play with me, managed to use me and make me feel like a wanted slave. He tied me in a way that nobody ever had before wrists to my thighs and feet tied so that I couldn't stretch my legs out. I had two choices I could hold my legs together (until he pushed them apart) but it would put strain on my back and be uncomfortable or I could be relatively comfortable but be laying in a position where my legs where spread wide open ready to be used as he sees fit and there was nothing I could do about. I was blindfolded and gagged and the nipple clamps were used on me. For the first time I didn't hate the clover clamps so much, yes they hurt but I could handle the pain and almost enjoy it. Tied in that way being played with and bought to climax and not able to move away from his hands or anything else was amazing and my mind went to that special place that I like it being in so much.
The more I get the more I want. Even now today I want to be played with, want to feel like a slave, be used like a slave which is strange. Its the girly time of month usualy at this point I don't even want to be touched but right now I think I would submit to just about anything he wanted to do to me.
On another topic I met a gentleman yesterday that I had been talking to on Collarme. He has restored my faith that not everybody from that site is a creep that just wants me for my 'fuckholes' he was interested in my thoughts, what I think and feel about the world and most of our conversation was vanilla. He was old fasioned too and wouldn't let me pay for anything, not coffee and cake, not dinner and not icecream afterwards - oh and he also pulled out my chair for me. I know a lot of girls hate that old fashioned stuff but I have to admit I loved it. It is far to early to say if there would be any future with this guy yesterday was pretty much vanilla so I can't/havent seen what his Dominant/Master side is like yet but the vanilla side seems at first glance to be the fairytale... it also seems too good to be true something has to be wrong here. At the very least I may have a good new friend here anything else only time will tell.
To tell you the truth as nice as the guy I met was I still hope that one day Teacher will want to make me his.
Willow
Saturday night we were tired but he still managed to play with me, managed to use me and make me feel like a wanted slave. He tied me in a way that nobody ever had before wrists to my thighs and feet tied so that I couldn't stretch my legs out. I had two choices I could hold my legs together (until he pushed them apart) but it would put strain on my back and be uncomfortable or I could be relatively comfortable but be laying in a position where my legs where spread wide open ready to be used as he sees fit and there was nothing I could do about. I was blindfolded and gagged and the nipple clamps were used on me. For the first time I didn't hate the clover clamps so much, yes they hurt but I could handle the pain and almost enjoy it. Tied in that way being played with and bought to climax and not able to move away from his hands or anything else was amazing and my mind went to that special place that I like it being in so much.
The more I get the more I want. Even now today I want to be played with, want to feel like a slave, be used like a slave which is strange. Its the girly time of month usualy at this point I don't even want to be touched but right now I think I would submit to just about anything he wanted to do to me.
On another topic I met a gentleman yesterday that I had been talking to on Collarme. He has restored my faith that not everybody from that site is a creep that just wants me for my 'fuckholes' he was interested in my thoughts, what I think and feel about the world and most of our conversation was vanilla. He was old fasioned too and wouldn't let me pay for anything, not coffee and cake, not dinner and not icecream afterwards - oh and he also pulled out my chair for me. I know a lot of girls hate that old fashioned stuff but I have to admit I loved it. It is far to early to say if there would be any future with this guy yesterday was pretty much vanilla so I can't/havent seen what his Dominant/Master side is like yet but the vanilla side seems at first glance to be the fairytale... it also seems too good to be true something has to be wrong here. At the very least I may have a good new friend here anything else only time will tell.
To tell you the truth as nice as the guy I met was I still hope that one day Teacher will want to make me his.
Willow
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Let me surrender
Lonely again and feeling the need/desire to be used again. To be tied up and played with, thrown on the bed and fucked and treated like the slave, slut and whore that I am. Take me, do what you want with me, use me for your pleasure, your amusement and just let me be all that I am. Let me lose myself to my submission for a little while, let there be nothing else in the world but you and your voice. Let me feel your hands on my body, the warmth of you near me just let me lose myself in you for just a little while. Let me feel the freedom that only comes from my submission and complete surrender of control.
Friday, September 28, 2007
A desire to be used
I'm feeling very alone tonight but I know that being alone is something that I have to get use to now. I've never liked being alone for too long its why I have always had housemates. Housemates make good company when you are alone though sometimes even when surrounded by people you can still feel alone. There are many things that can make one feel alone sometimes it is mental sometimes it is a physical thing. Tonight for me I think it is both. Tonight it is my desires, the things that I am craving that are making me feel alone and they make me feel alone because I know it will be a while before I can have those needs meet.
So what are those needs and desires? Right now I want for just one night to feel as though I belong to someone, as though there is nobody else in the world but me and them. I imagine myself kneeling at their feet with my head in their lap while they absent mindely stroke my hair. Just as I think I could go to sleep like that they grap me and pull me up my hair throwing me against the wall where they pin me with both their physical and mental strength and whisper words of dominance and control in my ear. I know that they have me and for this moment nothing else exists I am theirs to do what they wish with. They make me feel pain and pleasure, they bind me tight so that I can not run or push them away, I am gagged until my mouth is needed and a blindfold plunges my world in to darkness heightening their every touch and every sound. They push me to my limits but never crossing them. They play with my mind as much as my body under their touch, by their words I tremple in anticipation and desire nothing more then an object, nothing more then property a toy for their pleasure and when they are finished using me in every way they desire we drift of in to a peaceful fufilled satisfied sleep to dream our dreams of another play session some time in the future.
So what are those needs and desires? Right now I want for just one night to feel as though I belong to someone, as though there is nobody else in the world but me and them. I imagine myself kneeling at their feet with my head in their lap while they absent mindely stroke my hair. Just as I think I could go to sleep like that they grap me and pull me up my hair throwing me against the wall where they pin me with both their physical and mental strength and whisper words of dominance and control in my ear. I know that they have me and for this moment nothing else exists I am theirs to do what they wish with. They make me feel pain and pleasure, they bind me tight so that I can not run or push them away, I am gagged until my mouth is needed and a blindfold plunges my world in to darkness heightening their every touch and every sound. They push me to my limits but never crossing them. They play with my mind as much as my body under their touch, by their words I tremple in anticipation and desire nothing more then an object, nothing more then property a toy for their pleasure and when they are finished using me in every way they desire we drift of in to a peaceful fufilled satisfied sleep to dream our dreams of another play session some time in the future.
This is letting go
I feel that in two weeks I have made progress. Two weeks ago I couldn't call anyone but my Master Sir, I was bratty and rude and topped from the bottom all the time I was also miserable, unfufilled and frustrated at the lack of control from my Master and more then anything I wanted to be the slave that I know I am. Wanted to be with someone who could bring that out in me, who is proud of that side of me not ashamed and embaressed by it and that is where I now find myself.
Two weeks on I can happily (most of the time) call Teacher Sir, I am still ocassioanly bratty but not as a way to control him. Teacher has taught me to have respect for myself and to accept what I am and I am learning to trust and to give up control to him. Its hard for me to trust after what has happened in my past and I am so use to having to hold a little bit back to keep an eye on whats happening but i don't have to do that anymore.
Teacher scened with me last night and it was amazing and wonderful and I was able to let go and not hold back, able to let my mind go to that wonderful place where I am aware of my submission and where it feels like the most right and freeing thing in the universe. I trusted him, trusted that he would push me to far, wouldn't push my body to take more then it could handle and I am so glad I trusted him. I was in restraints and chain connected to the beam above me and bent over, vurarable to Teacher at that moment his to do what ever he wished with. I could hve stood up but I didn't because thats not how Teacher wanted me and all I was concerned about was pleasing him. Blindfolded not knowing what was coming next but all the time putting my complete trust in Teacher.
It was a powerful moment of self realization for me. A moment where I know this is what I am and know that I will not settle for just any Master, I want/need a Master that can take my mind, body and spirit. A Master that can see the beauty in his slaves complete surrender that can push and push until she is close to breaking point, until the tears are flowing and in that moment of complete surrender to everything know that he has his girl, his property and that she will do anything for him because he is Master.
I am glad that I have a Teacher, glad to be feeling what I am feeling but it is also hard for me as some times it feels like the thing I want most is being waved right under my nose and I can not reach out and take it. I asked Teacher last night if he could ever see me as being his and the answer I got was a yes perhaps one day but that for now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and be independant on my own. His right unless I know I can manage on my own, Unless I know I can stand on my own two feet my submission and surrender doesn't mean much at all. When I am a fully fuctioning person that chooses to be a slave because thats what I am to the very core of my being not because its something that I have to do to survive the world, not because I want/need a Master to hide behind then I will know that I am ready for a Master and only then will beg somebody to collar me that day could be years away or it could be weeks away only time will tell and for now I must content myself with what I have.
Willow
Two weeks on I can happily (most of the time) call Teacher Sir, I am still ocassioanly bratty but not as a way to control him. Teacher has taught me to have respect for myself and to accept what I am and I am learning to trust and to give up control to him. Its hard for me to trust after what has happened in my past and I am so use to having to hold a little bit back to keep an eye on whats happening but i don't have to do that anymore.
Teacher scened with me last night and it was amazing and wonderful and I was able to let go and not hold back, able to let my mind go to that wonderful place where I am aware of my submission and where it feels like the most right and freeing thing in the universe. I trusted him, trusted that he would push me to far, wouldn't push my body to take more then it could handle and I am so glad I trusted him. I was in restraints and chain connected to the beam above me and bent over, vurarable to Teacher at that moment his to do what ever he wished with. I could hve stood up but I didn't because thats not how Teacher wanted me and all I was concerned about was pleasing him. Blindfolded not knowing what was coming next but all the time putting my complete trust in Teacher.
It was a powerful moment of self realization for me. A moment where I know this is what I am and know that I will not settle for just any Master, I want/need a Master that can take my mind, body and spirit. A Master that can see the beauty in his slaves complete surrender that can push and push until she is close to breaking point, until the tears are flowing and in that moment of complete surrender to everything know that he has his girl, his property and that she will do anything for him because he is Master.
I am glad that I have a Teacher, glad to be feeling what I am feeling but it is also hard for me as some times it feels like the thing I want most is being waved right under my nose and I can not reach out and take it. I asked Teacher last night if he could ever see me as being his and the answer I got was a yes perhaps one day but that for now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and be independant on my own. His right unless I know I can manage on my own, Unless I know I can stand on my own two feet my submission and surrender doesn't mean much at all. When I am a fully fuctioning person that chooses to be a slave because thats what I am to the very core of my being not because its something that I have to do to survive the world, not because I want/need a Master to hide behind then I will know that I am ready for a Master and only then will beg somebody to collar me that day could be years away or it could be weeks away only time will tell and for now I must content myself with what I have.
Willow
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The situation
A new blog, a new start on many elements of my life and I don't know where to start or what to say right now. A week and a half ago my Master and I went our separte ways neither of us could give each other what each other needed both in our vanilla life and in our D/s lifestyle. We were more then just Master and slave though we were lovers and friends and were going to be married next year so it is a split that hurts and that will take some time to get over but even as I sit here typing this the wheel turns and I keep putting one foot in front of the other heading forward to where ever and what ever my life takes me. My life is a scary place for me right now. For the first time in a long time I find myself in a situation where I am single and can almost do what I want. Why do I say almost? because I find myself in a situation where I am wearing the training collar of a good Dom friend of mine. I follow his rules now, obey him and learn from him so that I may one day be a better slave for who ever ends up owning me - though a big part of me hopes that it is teacher that will end up owning me and the idea that it may be him that owns me makes it easier to give up control to him.
My last D/s relationship was not a good one, it wasv frustrating and a lot of the time felt futile and pointless. I resented him for not being the strong Master that I needed and that resentment frustrated him. He was arrogant and prideful and refused to seek help on anything or to ask anyone to teach him things that he wanted to know because of this I suffered and because of this I have some injurys that will take time to heal. Having been hurt in the past makes it harder to submit, makes it harder to lay there and let my trainer flogg or cane me, makes it harder to trust that the nipple clamps won't be left on two long or that ciculation wont be cut off if I am in bondage.
I am terrified of how easily i can submit to teacher, how easily I can hand over control to him and let him use me for things that I would usualy dig my heels in about or feel bad afterwards. He has made me feel more like a slave in the last week then anyone else has in years and you know what while it is scary and terrifing it also feels good to at last be able to be myself, to give up that control to submit to a Dom/Master who knows what he is doing.
The situation at the moment is that I wear his training collar and he trains me, when I am ready for a Master again he will help me find one that will suit my needs rather then me just going with the first Master that comes along and tells me they want to own me. As I said before though I could see myself as Teachers slave, see myself as his property wearing his collar kneeling at his feet and just being his and that scares me more then anything else.
Willowmoon
My last D/s relationship was not a good one, it wasv frustrating and a lot of the time felt futile and pointless. I resented him for not being the strong Master that I needed and that resentment frustrated him. He was arrogant and prideful and refused to seek help on anything or to ask anyone to teach him things that he wanted to know because of this I suffered and because of this I have some injurys that will take time to heal. Having been hurt in the past makes it harder to submit, makes it harder to lay there and let my trainer flogg or cane me, makes it harder to trust that the nipple clamps won't be left on two long or that ciculation wont be cut off if I am in bondage.
I am terrified of how easily i can submit to teacher, how easily I can hand over control to him and let him use me for things that I would usualy dig my heels in about or feel bad afterwards. He has made me feel more like a slave in the last week then anyone else has in years and you know what while it is scary and terrifing it also feels good to at last be able to be myself, to give up that control to submit to a Dom/Master who knows what he is doing.
The situation at the moment is that I wear his training collar and he trains me, when I am ready for a Master again he will help me find one that will suit my needs rather then me just going with the first Master that comes along and tells me they want to own me. As I said before though I could see myself as Teachers slave, see myself as his property wearing his collar kneeling at his feet and just being his and that scares me more then anything else.
Willowmoon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)