It's over.

I no longer have a Master.

That means i'm no longer a slave but then again I have only been slave in name for so long.

I am now a single mother.

I am alone.

Living with a Autoimmune disease - V

This is not a scene related post at all, the scene has played a very minor role in our lives since we had our child 19 months ago, not just because we now have a baby but because I have been quite unwell. When our son was six months old I was diagnosed with rhumatoid arthrtis, now a year down the track the disease has progressed quite a bit from where it was a year ago and I'm in a lot of pain most of the time. I am working with specilist to try and find something to help deal with the pain and slow the disease down and if/when that happens we will start getting back into our lifestyle. Oh how I miss being a 24/7 slave, somedays the pain that I am not serving is equal to the pain from the disease that is destroying my body and life. I keep asking if we can find a way back, find a way to work around my illness and at the moment the answer is not yet. I had steroid injections yesterday and if I am lucky enough that they help with the pain then we may be able to get back towards where we want to be.

This disease is scaring me, I was diagnosed about this time last year and in that time it feels like it has been one continious flare. People talk about how they have temporary remissions but to me that just seems like a dream. I don't know if my pain is getting worse or if my ability to cope with it is lowered the more the pain drags on. I'm scared of the future.

I want to have another baby but what if I flare really badly and can barely look after it? My partners just gone back to work after spending 9 months as my fulltime carer and looking after our 19 month old son and we can't afford for him to take that time off again. Long term is fair to my child/ren, is it fair to have any more when this disease is taking from me my ability to do things like running and jumping with them? Is it fair to them when i know i will need to help out with household chores much earlier then i'd like because i struggle to get them done myself? My 19 month old already brings me my cane when ever he sees me standing up without it. It just doesn't seem fair to him but the the flip side of the coin I love him and he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning, he is the reason I take the medication, go to appointments and do everything i can to remain as well as I can. I do everything I can with him, I sit down on the couch hold my arms out open to him and he comes running with a book to sit and cuddle while I read (the same books a hundred times in a row it feels). I sit at the table with him and we colour, draw and do craft, I stand him on a chair in the kitchen and let him help me mix a cake and on a good day when I can move I spend those days playing ball, running after him and doing all the things I can't do most of the time knowing full well that I will hurt from it later.

I want to be healthy, i want to run and play with him, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to be exhausted and I don't want to be on meds that make me so sick. I don't like staring down the barrel of this future and I just don't want to do this anymore.

After days of my thoughts pounding away at a million miles, after so many tears I could fill a dam and unrelenting confussion I am at last calm and at peace with myself and the choices that I have at last made.

I have decided that if this is to work then I must put any thought that it will not out of my mind. If I keep thinking it will not work then the energy I will have put into that thought will make it happen. In this world we manifest the things we put the most energy into so if I want this to work I must focus only on that and use my energy to create that which I desire.

I am not quite ready to accept his collar once more but I have put my engagement ring back on and to be honest wearing it feels right.

Thought for the day

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

Chains of misery.

Before I sat down in front of the computer to type this blog entry I had a whole entry going around and around in my head yet now that I am here the words seem to have vanished. I am not coping well at all with things the way they currently are. Nothing here feels right everything is wrong and sometimes I don't know how I am going to keep going forward. I feel as though the world has been ripped out from under my feet and I'm falling without anything around to catch me. The structures that would usualy catch my fall are no longer part of my life that feels as though it is spiraling out of control.

My relationship with Aj started as that of Master and slave, yes there was a deep friendship underneath it but we were never just boyfriend and girlfriend. As the relatinship progressed we became more then Master and slave to one another but that was always the foundations of our relationship and that made me happier and more at peace with myself then I had been in a long long time. My history tells us that I can not live a life that is vanilla with a taste of D/s every so often, to be happy I have needed the reverse to be D/s 24/7 with tastes of vanilla every so often. So what do I do now that my life is purely and only vanilla? I am a slave at the core of my being this is who I am and when that slave is released to be who she is, to serve her Master and to belong to her Master she flourishes but who I am when i deny that side of me is nothing more then a lie.

In slavery and service I find freedom unknown in any other area of my life, in the chains of protocols, rules and rituals I am free to fly as high as I can go. For me being a slave is being free. Without that structure, without those rules and protocols I am chained tighter then tightest bond ever placed on me by another. Without a master to serve and to belong too I am caged. When I am in essence a free woman I am nothing but bound and caged to a life that i don't wish to lead.

When we have thrown out everything D/s in our life to fix the problems on the vanilla side how can anything ever truely be fixed? How can the distance between us ever really be closed when the times I feel closest to him are the times that rules and protocols are at their strictest or when I am placing my physical safety in his hands and allowing him to do what he wishes with me? How can we ever get things back on track when we are ignoring what the core of our relationship is? I don't know if we can.

It is a catch 22 situation. Without the D/s I don't feel close to him but without trust we can not take part in a D/s lifestyle and without taking part in a D/s lifestyle I don't think the trust can be rebuilt. How do I find a way for the trust and closeness to come back? Do i just ignore all the issues and say lets go again, let me be yours again and fake it until we make it? I know thats not a healthy way to do things but my heart is yearning to be owned, my spirit crying to be released to fly in the bonds of slavery. I just want to be free to be me again.

I am hopeless the way things stand and so very lost. The hardest times of day are the times he has just gotten home from work, meal time and bedtime. It doesn't feel right not kneeling to greet him, I can't bring myself to eat without his permission or at least waiting until he begins and when I go to bed at night without our nightly ritual I cry. I can't touch myself without feeling guilty. I woke up this morning aftera rather erotic dream and feeling antsy I pulled out my buzzy but I couldn't do it. I felt the pressure growing at the base of my spine and spreading through me but jsut as i was at the point of releasing it I lost it and the feelings went away. Without hearing him telling me it is okay to play, to cum for him I can not do it. I have never before been in a situation where the rules and protocols have become so much a part of me that I just can't seem to switch them off.

Right now i just want my life to be normal again, I want the structure, the rules the protocol back, I want the security of knowing that I belong to someone back but I don't know if we will ever get back to that. Right now i am in control of this relationship, i hold all the cards, how will that ever change when the memories of what has gone wrong will never go away? How can I give myself to him again when I will always be wondering if his words are the truth?

The world comes crashing down.

How can i go from being so happy one week to feeling as though the world is falling down around me the next? I thought we understood each other at last, thought that things were getting to be just where we wanted them to be and I was happy, the world made sense and I had hope for the future. Now that hope is gone, now that happiness is so far away I wonder if i will ever even feel okay again. A week ago we were finding out that we were having a little boy and we were over the moon about it. A week ago i knew where life was taking us, a week ago i felt so close to him and so loved and now I feel alone.

Due to things happening in our life our D/s Master/slave aspect to our life is on hold, the goddess knows how long it will be on hold for perhaps it will never be picked up again. I have been living a vanilla life for a little over 24 hours and I am hating it. Nothing makes sense in my world, I am in a position where I hold all the cards when I am the one in control and I hate it. I am not coping and while I know I can function in a vanilla life I am not happy here. Once he got home yesterday I barely ate or drank anything because while I know we are only vanilla a little voice in my head was telling me I had to ask before I could eat or drink. When I went to bed last night I felt so lost without our nightly bedtime ritual. WIthout the things that give my life structure and meaning I don't know who or what I am. A little voice inside my head is screaming at me to just ignore all the issues and go back to being his slave but I can't do that not while there are so many issues that need to be fixed. I just want someone to hold me and tell me its going to me alright and for me to be able to beleive that.

Letter to Master (M/s)

Dear Master,

I am not writing this is an effort to try and place blame for our recent misunderstanding but to try and help yo understand how i operate, so that I may serve you better. If you understand the way i work and my needs and I learn better the way you work and your needs then both of us will be able to function better as a result of that understanding.

I'm not trying to top from the bottom, I am trying to find a place of deeper understanding in our relationship. I acknoweldge that when I talk about the energy or feeling of something that it is not something that you understand instinctively and I want to try and help you learn what I mean.

How do I explain that wanting to be treated more as a slave and not a girlfriend yet want more affection (not sex) is not a contradiction?

How do I explain energy and feeling and how the energy of something changes the feeling of something completly.

I guess its about intent. When you kiss me or hug me I feel like your your intent is to show me you love me and while I need love I sometimes need affection that show's ownership more then I need affection that shows that you love me. The intent of an action changes the energy and feeling of an action. The every day rules and rituals are great they are the bread and butter, they are things I/we need to exist but some days I want more, I want chocolate mousse. I want to be reminded of my place with a look, a command a kiss or a touch. I want to feel when you are kissing or hugging me that it is not a moment we are sharing together but it you making a physical show of your ownership of me and ability to do what you want when you want. When we watch TV together I want to feel as though it is you choice to do this activity and that it is a privledge that you are granting me to be allowed to do it with you not just an everyday activity.

As a slave I need to feel like I am being useful, I need you to give me orders so that I can feel that I am serving you and not just doing everything off my own back. I love it when you order me to get you a drink and serve it on my knees. I may sometimes get annoyed with havng to stop what I am doing to follow your orders but deep down I thrive of this attention and crave it. I don't want to be able to say in a moment or just let me finish this, when you want something I want to feel the urgency of having to serve and please my Master and know that consequences will follow if I am not quick enough. I want to be permited/ordered to kiss your feet to show you the depth of my submission and affection for you and not just show you that I love you with a hug or a kiss.