Tonight Master is at a poker game with his work mates. This has left me at home with my ex and his new girlfriend having to witness the banter between them while I am already feeling down due to a variety of reasons. I know that if I had of asked Master to stay home that he would have but I could not do that to him and I know that if I did he would resent me. Oh he might try to hide it and pretend that he was just a little upset at missing his game but underneath it resentment would build after all thats the way that human beings work and there is not much that can be done to change that fact.

Watching my ex and his new girlfriend interact with each other has been somewhat interesting and eye opening. To put it bluntly he is a prick to his girlfriend/sub/slave. He hides what he says behind jokes and pretending that he was just playing around when the reality is that he really wasn't he was just having to prove himself and keep control even in a vanilla social setting. To put this into perspective a little bit let me give some details about things that he has said tonight Jess was in a good mood, happy, joking around being silly (and crude) and he kept pulling her up on what she was saying, threatening to gag her to make her shut up or to have to spank her for the way she was behaving. To me this didn't come across as Master/slave stuff but rather almost abusive in a passive aggressive way. In the way he interacts with his girlfriend I can see the bully in him that he is and because he is still a good friend of mine seeing this bully in him upsets me. I think what also annoyed me was that the disappeared all of a sudden without saying a word to me then about five minutes later reappeared with Jess going the bathroom and Nathan telling me that they were going to bed, my response was sure your going to bed... and Nathan went on and on about how they were tired and going to bed to sleep. Since then in the hour I have heard the sounds of a very minor spanking (it lasted all of two minutes and sounded like someone gently tapping another person on the ass with the cane). Chains clanking against each other, ( a sound i know so very well) and soft whispers and giggles, meanwhile as hour after they were suppose to be going to bed their light is still on and they are still making noise in there.

Now let me set this straight I am not upset at them playing around, I am not not annoyed at the noise, I am upset that Nathan lied to me when it was extremely clear what they were going in there to do and I am upset at the insensitivity that Nathan has shown all night with his comments about gagging her or spanking her or a heap of other play comments as well as things like graping her by the hair and holding her throat in front of me when he knows that I am struggling tonight from a combination of subdrop from a canning last night and disappointment that Master and I did not get to do anything today that we/he had meant too. Before Jess got here I burst in to tears over pretty much nothing I was just feeling down and disappointment and alone so I cried.

Anyway on to a topic that does not involve Nathan and Jess. Last night Master gave me what was my first real proper canning that was not just done with a piece of dowel from bunnings. First thing I have to say is I am terrified of the cane, in my history it has only ever been used as a punishment tool and not something that I have ever managed to gain pleasure from. This is something that Master is trying to work with me on. So last night he bound my hands with bondage tape, gagged me and had me lay across the bed with my bottom raised by pillows then he gently warmed me up and proceeded to cane me until I could not take any more. At the point he stopped and held me, speaking gently and lovingly to me until i was ready to try a little more and so I went back in to position and he canned me some more until I really couldn't take any more and then we stopped for the night. The canning was both good and bad, it was a physical and emotional thing for me and I almost cried a few times. Master was strong and gentle at the same time, talking me through it, coaching my breathing and just being reassuring. The only way he could have made it any easy on me would have been to stop every few strokes and stroke my bottom or back or face. After the canning we stopped apart from him using me for his pleasure anyway. He didn't allow me to climax myself as while he was using me I kissed him (which was against the rules) when I kissed him he slapped me across the face and I almost broke down into tears I felt so bad. After he used me we snuggled for a while and he feel asleep. Me I laid awake feeling the warmth in my bottom that I was not use to feeling, feeling bad for kissing him (which to my mind was letting him down and being a bad slave) and shaking from the endorphines that were flowing through me at some point i know I cried and curled up in to a ball until I fell asleep. I know my reaction sounds bad and reading over this it makes me wonder why I want this, why I want to be canned again when it hurts so much and scares me so much, why I want to be a slave when some nights I am left crying myself to sleep and I don't have an answerer. I know the reason my reaction was so bad was because there was not enough aftercare before Master fell asleep and having sex, getting all worked up then essentially being dropped quickly back down without anything to catch me was too much for me to handle.

Today we were going to do more but it didn't happen we got distracted going to the shops then playing a new card game and then he had to leave for his game and while I am trying hard not to take it personally right now I am feeling a little abandoned. It doesn't help that I am here alone dealing with subdrop, it doesn't help that there is a high possibility of me going to bed alone tonight, it doesn't help that his not responding to text messages, It doesn't help that we won't get time together next Saturday night either. It doesn't help that the last time he had me reach climax was over two weeks ago yet he has used me a few times during that two weeks himself. Yes I know I am the slave and that climax is a reward but a girl gets to the point where if she doesn't have them she loses them. (If you want the report data I can get it for you)