Feeling down (V)

I'm feeling alone and lost at the moment. Its the time of year when I tend to have a downswing, the time of year when things are always hardest for me and the time of year when I try to distract myself from feeling bad with other things. Often distracting myself with other things tends to end up with me obsessing about something and driving everyone around me insane by not dropping the topic and thats whats going on for me right now.

Master has not even asked me to marry him yet though we have decided that we are going to be married. Confussing yes very, I'm not engaged but I will be at some stage and knowing that is making me want to run ahead and plan and book all the things we need for our wedding and yes I am getting obsessed with it. I stop and try to pull myself in a bit, try to just let it go and not get my hopes up, not dream about the wedding or even the perfect proposal because I feel that if I dare to dream it, if I dare to hope for it that it won't happen or it will happen but in such a way thats its not a special event and I will be dissapointed. Much like the couple that turn around to each other and say I guess we should get married now while watching tv one night.
This is stupid Master and I have not even been together for a year yet but I want to marry him, want to hear him asking me to marry him. I love him and want to be his properly which to my mind can not happen unless I am both collared in the kinky world and married to him in the vanilla world. I don't want him to feel pushed in to it, I don't want him to ask me unless its really what he wants but at the moment I feel as though he is not going to ask me anytime soon. My brain is so confussed. Not long ago he told me out of the blue that he wanted to start trying to have children next year. He wants to have a child with me but not marry me? That just doesn't make sense. Right now nothing makes sense.

If he does ask me to marry him and I can start planning properly it brings a whole new world of stress with it. That being money. Weddings are expensive and we don't have much money. I don't really want to elope and although I have suggested just having an evening wedding and desert reception to him to save money thats not what I really want. Its what I will settle for so that I can marry my Master but not what I dream of.

My dream is for a wedding at either Sunshine Castle or Bundaleer rainforest garden with a fairy/medievil theme. My dream is for a beautiful ceramony that includes a handfasting and unity ceramony in it. My dream is for a reception where a three course meal is served in medievil style and there is juggelers and sword fights and other medieval themed entertianment. The ironic thing is that my dream doesn't even cost what the average Australian wedding costs ($30k) it would cost about 10k perhaps 15k at the most (if we include honeymoon costs) but I know with my family not having any money that we could never afford even this much and I wouldn't expect or ask Master's family to contribute money to pay for our wedding. (If they offered that would be another story) I don't want a big wedding just 30 to 40 people.

The other thing getting me down is my birthday. I don't want to look forward to it because if I do it will just be a dissapointment. I have tried planning something but half of my friends are not interested. (Including my best friend) I feel as though nobody really cares about besides Master, to everyone else I am just the girl that they hang out with sometimes.

So now I sit here all alone and feeling down. Master is at work and I am sitting here crying and just wanting to hide away from the world.