Crashing back down to earth.

I had a good night celebrating my birthday with friends, I was in a good mood and had enough energy that I was up for doing something with Master (Anything at all would have been nice) but in about two minutes everything changed. Its funny how quickly things can change, how quickly you can go from feeling really good to feeling as though you are falling down a deep hole with nothing to catch you and you just keep falling and falling.

I don't even really know what happened, I was telling Master about a conversation that I had with a friend tonight and paused to gather my words together I could swear that I only paused for a second but according to Master it was longer then that and he got really upset with me because I had pretty much just said that I managed to have a private conversation and he didn't know what it was about. Okay I can see why that would be upsetting but I only paused before I was going to continue and tell him what was said in that conversation. He got angry with me and snapped at me and I couldn't help myself I was so hurt that he was using that bad tone of voice with me that when he told me off for my tone of voice I turned around to him and said don't you use that tone on me.

I don't know why he got so upset and so angry with me pausing but now I am sitting in my study in tears, the good mood I had from my birthday all gone and just wishing that I had stayed at home tonight rather then going out and wasting all that money. It is getting to the point where I feel so isolated and alone because I don't talk to him much about the important stuff, I am always afraid that I will say something that he will take wrong and flare up over so its just easier to say nothing at all. Then when I do get upset and he sees it I withdraw and have trouble saying anything and then he gets upset with me for ignoring him. I'm not ignoring him at those times I am getting control of myself, stopping the tears and mentally trying to find some sort of balance point that I can cling too until I feel strong enough to climb all the way up.

As he just said to me they may be little things to me but to him they are big things however how can I avoid this things if I have no idea what the triggers are? How can I avoid the fights, the anger, hurt and tears if I don't know what it is I am suppose to be avoiding.

I don't want to feel alone anymore, don't want to feel untouched and worthless, don't want to cry when I am all alone and everybody is out of the house and I don't know if I have the strength to keep my mask in place anymore.