Lonely

It is hard to explain to anyone just how lonely I feel these days. Master is home and around all the time, my best friend is home a lot of the time, I always have someone around me yet I feel so alone that multiple times a day I lock myself away and cry.

I think a lot of my alone-ness comes from Master being so unwell, we have no play, no sex, and very little physical contact between us and I am craving it so very much yet when ever he does hug me I have to pull away because him holding me hurts too. It hurts because I want so much more that I can not have right now, it hurts because I know it has to end, it hurts because it reminds me of how much I miss feeling his hands on my skin. I never thought that the thing that would get to me most about him being unwell was this, i thought it would be the moodswings or the frustration or memory but not this lack of touch and lack of any real connection feeling between us. Half the time I feel as though I am living with a stranger, there is not that spark between us that was there before he became unwell, that feeling of closeness, of being connected and the absense of that is the most lonely thing I have experienced in a long long time. To have someone there physicaly that i see and talk to every day but for him to not really be there at all is tearing me apart and there is nothing that I can do about it but keep myself strapped in and hold on tight as this ride continues.