Fears (M/s)

I guess its time for an update here, theres just not that much to say which is why this blog is so quiet at the moment.

Master is still not well though seems to be a little better in some areas. He has his good days but they are always followed by a bad one. His energy is still so low and his mood swings and everything else are just continuing though now every so often I see flashes of my Master and not the stranger that I have been living with for the last month.

Last night we had our first play session since his accidant and it was good, it was good to feel him in that position of control over me, to feel his hands touch me, hear him call me slave and make me beg, it was even good to feel the pain of the whip. In some ways though it is like we have gone back to where we were at the start of our relationship. It was very hard for me to let go and trust that he wouldn't cross the line, that I wouldn't get hurt but in having to let go and trust him I got a buzz that had been missing from our play for some time. I hate that I don't have 100% trust in Master, hate that we have to build it up again but those butterflies in my stomach and the excitment of not knowing what to expect is a very nice ride that I hope to enjoy again some time very soon.

Playing last night may not have been the best thing though as it has awakened that urge to want to play again and again and again which I know that Master is not up too, right now I don't even want to ask him if he is up to something this evening because I am afraid of pushing him too hard, afraid of exhausting him of him going back to being so lost all the time when the flashes of the real him are coming through more and more.

The connection I got from playing also opened up some fears for me that I have not had to face in a while and some are the fears I had at the begining. I am afraid of the future, afraid of submitting and being a 'real' slave in daily life, afraid of 24/7 of never being good enough, afraid that I'm not cut out to be a slave, that I am not good enough at serving (despite the face that I have been caring for Master and giving him the best and hardest service i could ever give someone) afraid that Master deserves someone better then I, but the biggest fear, the one that I don't really want to admit to anyone is that all though I crave the dominance, crave being a slave, feeling like a slave, being made to feel like a slave I am afraid of giving up control of my life again. Afraid of submitting, afraid that he won't be strong enough to find my slave heart and draw it out of me again, afraid that i have burried what i am so deep inside that it is going to be a fight and a huge effort to bring it back out. I know that I will feel the need to push limits, I know I will feel hte need to try and top from the bottom, I know I will feel the need to disobey just to test and see and make sure that it is all real but then if i feel those needs does that not mean I am not a real slave afterall? Wouldn't a real slave just give it up and trust without the need to test? I am a slave yes but I am a strong slave and need a strong Master who is unafraid of putting me in my place, i push and test to make sure that my Master is strong enough to deal with me but still it makes me feel guilty and somehow like I am not 'real'