Chains of misery.

Before I sat down in front of the computer to type this blog entry I had a whole entry going around and around in my head yet now that I am here the words seem to have vanished. I am not coping well at all with things the way they currently are. Nothing here feels right everything is wrong and sometimes I don't know how I am going to keep going forward. I feel as though the world has been ripped out from under my feet and I'm falling without anything around to catch me. The structures that would usualy catch my fall are no longer part of my life that feels as though it is spiraling out of control.

My relationship with Aj started as that of Master and slave, yes there was a deep friendship underneath it but we were never just boyfriend and girlfriend. As the relatinship progressed we became more then Master and slave to one another but that was always the foundations of our relationship and that made me happier and more at peace with myself then I had been in a long long time. My history tells us that I can not live a life that is vanilla with a taste of D/s every so often, to be happy I have needed the reverse to be D/s 24/7 with tastes of vanilla every so often. So what do I do now that my life is purely and only vanilla? I am a slave at the core of my being this is who I am and when that slave is released to be who she is, to serve her Master and to belong to her Master she flourishes but who I am when i deny that side of me is nothing more then a lie.

In slavery and service I find freedom unknown in any other area of my life, in the chains of protocols, rules and rituals I am free to fly as high as I can go. For me being a slave is being free. Without that structure, without those rules and protocols I am chained tighter then tightest bond ever placed on me by another. Without a master to serve and to belong too I am caged. When I am in essence a free woman I am nothing but bound and caged to a life that i don't wish to lead.

When we have thrown out everything D/s in our life to fix the problems on the vanilla side how can anything ever truely be fixed? How can the distance between us ever really be closed when the times I feel closest to him are the times that rules and protocols are at their strictest or when I am placing my physical safety in his hands and allowing him to do what he wishes with me? How can we ever get things back on track when we are ignoring what the core of our relationship is? I don't know if we can.

It is a catch 22 situation. Without the D/s I don't feel close to him but without trust we can not take part in a D/s lifestyle and without taking part in a D/s lifestyle I don't think the trust can be rebuilt. How do I find a way for the trust and closeness to come back? Do i just ignore all the issues and say lets go again, let me be yours again and fake it until we make it? I know thats not a healthy way to do things but my heart is yearning to be owned, my spirit crying to be released to fly in the bonds of slavery. I just want to be free to be me again.

I am hopeless the way things stand and so very lost. The hardest times of day are the times he has just gotten home from work, meal time and bedtime. It doesn't feel right not kneeling to greet him, I can't bring myself to eat without his permission or at least waiting until he begins and when I go to bed at night without our nightly ritual I cry. I can't touch myself without feeling guilty. I woke up this morning aftera rather erotic dream and feeling antsy I pulled out my buzzy but I couldn't do it. I felt the pressure growing at the base of my spine and spreading through me but jsut as i was at the point of releasing it I lost it and the feelings went away. Without hearing him telling me it is okay to play, to cum for him I can not do it. I have never before been in a situation where the rules and protocols have become so much a part of me that I just can't seem to switch them off.

Right now i just want my life to be normal again, I want the structure, the rules the protocol back, I want the security of knowing that I belong to someone back but I don't know if we will ever get back to that. Right now i am in control of this relationship, i hold all the cards, how will that ever change when the memories of what has gone wrong will never go away? How can I give myself to him again when I will always be wondering if his words are the truth?