The situation

A new blog, a new start on many elements of my life and I don't know where to start or what to say right now. A week and a half ago my Master and I went our separte ways neither of us could give each other what each other needed both in our vanilla life and in our D/s lifestyle. We were more then just Master and slave though we were lovers and friends and were going to be married next year so it is a split that hurts and that will take some time to get over but even as I sit here typing this the wheel turns and I keep putting one foot in front of the other heading forward to where ever and what ever my life takes me. My life is a scary place for me right now. For the first time in a long time I find myself in a situation where I am single and can almost do what I want. Why do I say almost? because I find myself in a situation where I am wearing the training collar of a good Dom friend of mine. I follow his rules now, obey him and learn from him so that I may one day be a better slave for who ever ends up owning me - though a big part of me hopes that it is teacher that will end up owning me and the idea that it may be him that owns me makes it easier to give up control to him.

My last D/s relationship was not a good one, it wasv frustrating and a lot of the time felt futile and pointless. I resented him for not being the strong Master that I needed and that resentment frustrated him. He was arrogant and prideful and refused to seek help on anything or to ask anyone to teach him things that he wanted to know because of this I suffered and because of this I have some injurys that will take time to heal. Having been hurt in the past makes it harder to submit, makes it harder to lay there and let my trainer flogg or cane me, makes it harder to trust that the nipple clamps won't be left on two long or that ciculation wont be cut off if I am in bondage.

I am terrified of how easily i can submit to teacher, how easily I can hand over control to him and let him use me for things that I would usualy dig my heels in about or feel bad afterwards. He has made me feel more like a slave in the last week then anyone else has in years and you know what while it is scary and terrifing it also feels good to at last be able to be myself, to give up that control to submit to a Dom/Master who knows what he is doing.

The situation at the moment is that I wear his training collar and he trains me, when I am ready for a Master again he will help me find one that will suit my needs rather then me just going with the first Master that comes along and tells me they want to own me. As I said before though I could see myself as Teachers slave, see myself as his property wearing his collar kneeling at his feet and just being his and that scares me more then anything else.

Willowmoon