This is letting go

I feel that in two weeks I have made progress. Two weeks ago I couldn't call anyone but my Master Sir, I was bratty and rude and topped from the bottom all the time I was also miserable, unfufilled and frustrated at the lack of control from my Master and more then anything I wanted to be the slave that I know I am. Wanted to be with someone who could bring that out in me, who is proud of that side of me not ashamed and embaressed by it and that is where I now find myself.

Two weeks on I can happily (most of the time) call Teacher Sir, I am still ocassioanly bratty but not as a way to control him. Teacher has taught me to have respect for myself and to accept what I am and I am learning to trust and to give up control to him. Its hard for me to trust after what has happened in my past and I am so use to having to hold a little bit back to keep an eye on whats happening but i don't have to do that anymore.

Teacher scened with me last night and it was amazing and wonderful and I was able to let go and not hold back, able to let my mind go to that wonderful place where I am aware of my submission and where it feels like the most right and freeing thing in the universe. I trusted him, trusted that he would push me to far, wouldn't push my body to take more then it could handle and I am so glad I trusted him. I was in restraints and chain connected to the beam above me and bent over, vurarable to Teacher at that moment his to do what ever he wished with. I could hve stood up but I didn't because thats not how Teacher wanted me and all I was concerned about was pleasing him. Blindfolded not knowing what was coming next but all the time putting my complete trust in Teacher.

It was a powerful moment of self realization for me. A moment where I know this is what I am and know that I will not settle for just any Master, I want/need a Master that can take my mind, body and spirit. A Master that can see the beauty in his slaves complete surrender that can push and push until she is close to breaking point, until the tears are flowing and in that moment of complete surrender to everything know that he has his girl, his property and that she will do anything for him because he is Master.

I am glad that I have a Teacher, glad to be feeling what I am feeling but it is also hard for me as some times it feels like the thing I want most is being waved right under my nose and I can not reach out and take it. I asked Teacher last night if he could ever see me as being his and the answer I got was a yes perhaps one day but that for now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and be independant on my own. His right unless I know I can manage on my own, Unless I know I can stand on my own two feet my submission and surrender doesn't mean much at all. When I am a fully fuctioning person that chooses to be a slave because thats what I am to the very core of my being not because its something that I have to do to survive the world, not because I want/need a Master to hide behind then I will know that I am ready for a Master and only then will beg somebody to collar me that day could be years away or it could be weeks away only time will tell and for now I must content myself with what I have.

Willow