Today I spent a lot of time researching formal 'Master's' dinners, the procols involved, the various forms they take ect. The more I researched the more I came to the conclusion that I would not enjoy this type of situation and the reason that I wouldn't enjoy it is because of the separation between Master's and slaves. For some reason I am viewing it as the Master's are better then and worth more then he subs/slaves. Reading forums and interacting in various D/s related groups I often get the feeling that the Dom types hold themselves above the submissive types, they seem to think that they are better then the submissive types, more intelligent, worth more and that attitute bothers me. I don't know why the idea of a formal dinner makes me feel that the Dom types are thinking that they are better then the submissives but it just does.
Sometimes I read things or have conversations with people that make me wonder if I am really a slave. The topic on formal dinners is one such topic that brings this up for me. I love dinner partys, love cooking and serving and pleasing my Master but the idea of the formal High protocol dinner where a slave serves, is not spoken too, does not join in conversation bothers me. The reason it bothers me is that I am one of those people that love to be able to put my ideas forward in a discussion. I have found that often in a group situation when I am not allowed to speak that I feel isolated and alone and used (not in a good way) I begin to think that I am worthless, that nothing I think or feel matters and from there I start to resent serving, start to resent Master and being a slave and everything that goes along with it. I resent the feeling that my views are not worth anything, are not important just because I am a slave and that for some reason being a slave makes me less of a person.
I know that there are so many people who think there version of what a D/s lifestyle is like is the only 'true' way of doing it but most people at least have things that overlap with anothers idea of 'true' 24/7. If i go by those people and their beleives then the fact that I feel this way about speech makes me not a 'true' slave. The fact that I would not like to be in a situation where I could not join in conversation makes me not a 'true' slave. Still even though I am feeling negative towards the idea I would like to try a formal Master's dinner one day for all I know the pleasure I would get from knowing I served my Master well and that he was pleased with me would outweigh the negative side of not being able to communicate.
Perhaps the communication issue comes from being a gemini or perhaps it comes from how often I get left out of conversations in the normal vanilla world because I am not loud enough and outgoing enough to make myself heard. In the normal vanilla world I often get talked over, often feel frustrated and annoyed at not being heard, at nobody caring what I have to say and when I think about it perhaps my issue with speech of lack of it in a D/s sense comes from my vanilla experiences. I guess it is yet another issue to work at overcoming so that I may be a better slave for my Master.
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