So Master wants me to start communicating more, fair enough too considering how bad I can get at it. It seems that the more I go in to slave space the harder I find it to communicate, the harder it is to make my needs and desires known which kind of brings up a catch 22. I want to be in that slave space more then anything and am willing to go through what ever Master wants to do to me to get there however I know that once I get there communication shuts down a lot and that makes me worry that Master will not want me to go back to that space.
Right now more then anything I want to get back to slave space, need to get back to slave space but it takes so much work and effort for both Master and I to get me there that I know it will not happen today. It takes physical sensation such as the flogging/paddling ect that Master gave me earlier but it also takes a bit of breaking down my walls and breaking me a little bit. I think that the psychological side of it is a lot harder then anything else but for me its the most important bit. The psychological bit can hurt like hell while its happening, it can make me question why I want this, if I really want this and if I can do this. At times it brings me to a point where I feel like I am nothing, worth nothing and will never amount to anything, it brings to points where I hate Master and just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone.
Once I am at that place however it takes a wonderful caring Master to bring me back and on the other side of the darkness is a place that is full of light and love, a place where I am secure and at peace within my self and my own slave heart, a place where the world makes sense, where I know what is expected of me and where I am full of joy and love for my Master. That place i am speaking of is the place that I long to get back too. It is a spiritual journey as much as it is a slave journey and it is a journey that takes a lot out of Master. It requires him to be able to put me through hell, to say things that touch raw nerves and requires him to be able to stand back and watch as I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Am I wrong for wanting this journey? Am I wrong for wishing Master would break me (just a little break not the big one) I feel as though I need this to break out of the vanilla mind set that I have been in for the past two months. To get myself back to where I need to be. I need the walls I have built up to be broken down so that I can be free to be me.
Willowmoon
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This is a lovely sentiment. And those of us collared with good and excellent Master's all want to get back there. So many times I wish I didn't have a vanilla life to interfere, though my life is good, and I wish we had unlimited funds, just so I could stay in Master's dungeon, or wherever, and stay in that place longer and longer.
No, you are not wrong, and it is hard and if Master is good to you like he is supposed to be, and it sounds like he is and you're very lucky, it takes away all the vanilla world nonsense we've built, where - as animals, higher thinking or not, it's been proven that even having too many choices is a huge stress for humans.
That's why they recommend giving kids 2 choices - so they participate and feel empowered, but are not overwhelmed by too much information. Slave space is the only rest.
People on the outside looking in see it as abusive, and naturally, where else would abusers hide other than the BDSM community? But they don't get to feel the relief that Master brings. Master makes the choices, Master has our best interests at heart, and Master's desires are already beforehand matched up with ours... So? We few, we who know - slavespace - is the closest we will ever be to blessed freedom, like a child, cared for, without too much crushing responsibility. Only to make Master happy, like a kid would with his parents if they were kind and nurturing and this bring out the best in kids.
So it does with us. Wanting to please, the elation like a little kid at those words, "good girl." Why wouldn't we want to get back there? The world is hard and we must survive, but we are safe in Master's care.
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