The email I sent to a kinky helpline (M/s)

In september last year my ex and I broke up. We had been together in a Master/slave relationship and had been engaged to be married. Our relationship was good and strong, we cared about each other and were great friends but on the D/s side of things neither of us were getting what we needed. He was arrogant and had too much pride to ask anyone to help him learn anything, everything he knew he knew from books and websites and some of his play was not the safest to the point where I have been left with a long term tail injury from a paddle being used too hard in the wrong place. He never listened to me when I tried to give him advice, I was always told that when I did this I was topping from the bottom, when I found someone that could assist him to learn the right and safe way of doing things he wasn't interested. Our needs really didn't match I needed more play and more of a 24/7 lifestyle and he couldn't give me that. On the vanilla side of things I loved him but one day i realised that while yes I loved him I wasn't in love with him, it hit me all of a sudden that the feelings I had for him were the same as the feelings I had for my best friend. At that point I sat down with him and we talked and cried and came to the conclussion that neither of us could give what the other wanted and that both of us really only loved each other as friends so we broke up, I moved out and moved in with a Dom friend of mine and my ex and I worked hard at maintaing a friendship. We managed to save that friendship which I suppose is a good thing.

After I moved out I moved in with a male Dom friend of mine. I needed and craved someone to be in that Dom position in my life and so he took me under his wing and became my trainer, helping me get over my fears that were left from my ex and past relationships (every time any impact play occured I was terrified of being hurt) he taught me that pain could be enjoyable and wasn't always a punishment, he taught me that Doms/Master's can admit when they are weak or not good at something slowely I learnt to trust him and his domination and our friendship grew closer until we realised that the relationship we were having was not one of Trainer/slave rather it was a Master/slave relationship that day he gave me his consideration collar. Life continued, our relationship grew stronger in the vanilla world he was a fantastic boyfriend and in the D/s world everything I had longed for in a Master. The fact that we lived together meant that the honeymoon period was over a lot quicker then if we had met, started dating/playing and then got together. Sure we have our problems and we fight every so often but we talk and work through our issues. In Febuary things went wrong in the household we were living in and we were forced to move out. We moved in with my ex and my bestfriend and things were going well up until three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago my ex started seeing someone new, he brings her over and they go and play in his room and I find that I have become so irrational that its not funny. I don't care that he has found a girl I am happy for them but what gets me is he can do the things with her that i wanted him to do with me and he never did. I feel as though I was never good enough like there is something wrong with me that made me not good enough. If he was just having vanilla sex with her I could handle that but I am having trouble handling him playing with her and calling her his slave. She is new to the scene and things he is so wonderful and knows so much while I know better. The other day she passed out because he put her collar on her too tightly yet still she thinks he is so great. I see her walking around my house wearing hte collar and cuffs that i bought before i was even with my ex and i see red, i left them with my ex because I didn't want to use them as my brain asossociated them with him but seeing her wear them my brain screams no they are mine! I can hear them play clearly and i find myself listening to their conversations, phonecalls and snooping in his email reading everything she sends him. This is not me I don't do those kind of things but I can't seem to stop it. Now I find my behaviour is threating my relationship with my ex, threating my relationship with my Master and threatening my relationship with my bestfrined who is sick of hearing me talk about Nathan and Jess. It seems they are always on my mind, wondering what he is doing to her getting upset because he couldn't do it with me. Its not so much about them being together but my own insecuritys and low self worth telling me that I have and never will be good enough. its as though I am trapped in a glass bubble I can see what is happening outside it but the curve distorts the view and I am not seeing clearly. Its like there is two of me one doing all the bad stuff, saying the barbed comments trying to hurt and then me sitting there hearing it, seeing it and wondering what the hell I am doing but not being able to stop it. I need to get control of this before I lose so much but I have no idea how to get control of it.

Please help me
Ra'anna