Issues (M/s)

Master and I are having issues. He feels that I am obessing about the lifestyle/fetish/kinky related stuff and apprently that has been all I have been wanting to talk about of late. Everytime I say that I wish we could have some time alone together his mind translates that to mean that I want him to play with me and do evil things to me. Yes sometimes that is what I want but not every time not even half the time, most of the time when I say I want us to have some alone time together it is because I want to do normal vanilla couple stuff like curling up together to watch a movie without having to worry about our housemates.

Okay, i'll admit it I have been talking about it quite often, it has been a primary focus of mine for the last few weeks, even when I am at uni sitting in a lecture the evil stuff that Master could do to me crosses my mind. Uni is really not the place to be having those thoughts but it does make boring lectures a little more interesting. The Master/slave life and everything that goes alone with it is such a big part of me that I can't divorce from myself. Its as big (or bigger) a part of me and my life as studying natural medicine or being a pagan. I understand that Master doesn't want to hear about it 24/7 and I don't mean to discuss it 24/7 it just comes out. I feel as though my life is mostly vanilla and I don't like that, by discussing it and looking at things online it doesn't feel vanilla it feels a little more real, a little more that yes this is what I am, what we are, what we are living. Yesterday I wrote a post about wanting more rules/rituals in place in daily life, that hasn't changed but I do beleive that if that occurs it will help me come down to ground and feel it daily rather then having to discuss it all the time. I don't want Master to set them in place unless he wants too though, I don't want him to feel like he has too do this to make me happy.

I have made comments of late that Jess is in sub frenzy perhaps the problem is that she is not the only one in sub frenzy and that I am there too. When Master plays with me it feels so good and I feel so loved and wanted that I want more. At the moment I can't see why its such a big issue me wanting to play quite often I can't see what the difference is between me wanting to play and a normal vanilla couple wanting sex every second day. Its normal, its healthy. Thats not to say that I beleive this lifestyle is all about sex far from it but its the easiest comparison I could make. If you like me wanting to play is no different from my friends playing computer games or sport, its something that I enjoy that makes me feel good... well usualy anyway. Now I can't help but wonder if Master plays with me is he only doing it because I want it or does he want it too?

I'm so confussed and twisted in knots and fighting with Master upsets me more then I let him see. Every time we fight I feel as though something inside of me breaks, everytime we fight I want to lock myself away and cry for a week. I don't know what he wants in this lifestyle anymore it seems to be different now then it was when we first started out and I don't know how to be the slave that he wants because I have no idea what he wants me to be.

As i type this I am trying hard not to burst into tears. I feel so lost and alone right now and nothing makes sense. My moods have been all over the place of late and one of the reasons I want Master to play with me so often is that it makes me feel alive. I feel numb and dead inside most of the time but when it is just me and Master and all my focus is on him and what he is doing to me or me serving him I feel alive and for that breif time I actaully get to feel something thats not pain, sadness or depression. I am such a mess perhaps its just better if I keep to myself for a while rather then driving everyone else crazy.

I guess the solution is not to talk about it, not to bring it up in conversation just leave it until he brings it up. Then at least he won't feel as though I am pushing him.

Willowmoon