Master and I had a high protocol day yesterday and it felt so right. Even Master said that if we had our own place thats how things would be most of the time though I honestly don't think it would be that way most of the time. There is no reason in our current living situation that things can not be more like that so its really not an issue of having our own place or not but more an issue of will to do i think. While some parts of high protocol really annoy me for the most part I love the way it makes me feel. I feel like a real slave, i feel safe and wanted, cared for and needed in ways that I usualy don't feel. Its not like its really that much work on either of our parts I tend to be fairly good about the rules and follow them and Master only occasionaly has to pull me up so why oh why do we keep drifting back to this world that is almost vanilla a lot of the time? Sure I ask permission to sit and eat but it still can feel very vanilla. When we have a high protocol day even when we are both enjoying our own interests its still there at the back of my mind and I know what I am. I feel like on those days my spirit shines and then when the next day we go back to our usual life I sink and want more of the shiney. Its not sinking from subdrop its sinking from not feeling fufilled, not feeling like anything more then just a sub (not that I have any issues with subs)
Master played with me last night. He bound me and flogged me as well as tortuing me with the wheel, I know that he enjoyed himself i could hear it in his voice as he spoke to me but I am confussed, if he enjoyed himself as much as he said he did then why does it seem to be such as issue for him to play with me today, if he enjoys it that much why does it seem that so much of the time playing with me in anyway beyound just fucking me is a chore? Where did the life we haed a year ago vanish too, when we played happily pretty much every night, late at night after everyone was in bed, when we took any chance we had to play and be together. Why has that been replaced with vanilla activitys, watching movies, playing computer games, these are things I enjoy but to me I enjoy them as much as I enjoy other forms of play. Why is playing with me such a chore? Am I too much of a high maintance slave? Do I ask for to much or expect too much? Master does meet my needs more then anyone else in the past has met them but still I need, still I crave and theres nothing I can do about it but wait until Master wants me, until he wants to play with me or use me.
What is wrong with me that he doesn't want to do these things with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I a bad slave? Am I boring? Too demanding? Am I too messed up and he just doesn't want to say it? I need it more then once every few weeks, need it more then it just being a sometimes treat. Something only to do when the house is empty.
Why does it hurt so much that he doesn't want to play with me?
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