The last month I have been more social then I have over the past few months put together and you know what? It has been really nice to get out there and spend some time with fellow kinksters, from having fun at dracula's to parties or just a relaxed night sharing sharps skills it has been great. At last I feel I am starting to make kinky friends and no longer feel so alone in this kinky world. I enjoy spending time around people when I don't have to hide who I am, when nobody thinks anything of me kneeling down beside Master or addressing him as Sir. I've had a taste of a community and my goddess do I want more.
Don't get me wrong it hasn't all been smooth sailing. I got stuck in the middle of a shit fight about the under 35s group I started and had to deal with private flames and attitudes from some people at events that were anything but friendly but now that has all died now and I am feeling okay about the scene.
I joined Fetlife, when I first heard about Fetlife I didn't want to join up to yet another facebookisk site but I am now glad I did. Spending a little bit of time here either heading posts in the groups I am in or sending message to people I find interesting is helping me keep focused on that side of my life and not getting lost in the vanilla world like I do sometimes. Through fetlife I have had more contact with various people in my local scene and by reading their various posts and looking at some of their photos I have a feeling of knowing more who they are and what they are about which has made me more comfortable with them at partys.
The under 35s group is growing, we have a solid core base of about eight people who will attend events and that we enjoy hanging out with. We have spent a bit of time lately with some of these people and its good making some new friends. Master and I have found a potential casual play partner which we had been looking for a while for. She's young but has a good personaility and a good head on her shoulders, she is bi and switch so fits our requirements. We are looking at having our first scene with her tomorrow.
November was busy getting to know people within the scene, starting with a trip to Dracula's for Halloween followed by a party the next night then a munch for the under35s and lots of seeing people outside of schedualed events.
So thats a baisc update I guess its not time to focus a little bit on Master and I and whats going on there. We haven't played much lately as I have no been well, this is starting to depress me and causing me to lash out when Master does put his foot down and I am feeling like the worst slave in the world, wondering why he wants me and not a better slave that will serve him like a slave shoud. I don't deserve his patiance and kindness, i don't deserve a Master like he is but who am I to say what I deserve?
We have rules that we have gone over a few times and I am proving what a bad slave I am because I don't really follow them all that much, to be honest i forget them sometimes, I know they are there but they are not something that has been reenforced to the point of them being habit and I will admit sometimes I ignore them to see if Master remembers them and pulls me up on my mistake but usualy he doesn't and I get away with it. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers the rules he set down. Part of training me is suppose to be teaching me those rules but it hasn't really happened.
It seems the only rule I have not broken regularly is the one about playing with myself and thats because after the canning and bruises I wore for 10 days after it and the guilt every time i saw those bruises in the mirror something inside of me broke and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore, to be honest I can't even bring myself to climax even with permission if Master is not there with me bringing me to it himself.
For the most part I feel that we are vanilla with topping, the topping is those little rules i do follow from habit that have been enforced over and over again and are just a part of me and who I am. I do want things to be different, I do want to feel different. I'm going to go away and think about this and later today right another post on just what sort of slave i would like to become, perhaps if i do that it will help both Master and I see why i keep coming back to this issue of i'm not really a slave. I know that its not up to me to decide what kind of slave I would like to be so I hope that Master will do me a favor and write a little bit on what type of slave he wants in general, what type of life he wants to live, what he wants his slave to behave like in different situations, what tasks he wants her to preform and most importantly how he wants her to serve him on a regular basis.
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