To be a slave again M/s

I think that I am entering sub frenzy again. This afternoon Master scened with with me a little, he paddled me and had me bring him to climax before he shaved my pussy. Its amazing how vunarable that position makes me feel, on my back with my legs spread while Master shaves me I know that I am really his and know that I am slave. It was good to do some stuff again but theres a little voice inside of my screaming for more. I don't want this to stop, I don't want to go back to normal life and normal rules I want more and more and stricter and stricter.

I want him to treat me mean so to speak, want him to make me kneel while he watches TV or does what ever he wants to do, want him to make me serve him, make him drinks and what ever else he wishes and have him start training me to present them in proper slave gor like fashion. I want to feel the leather of the collar wrapped around my neck and even around my wrists knowing that at any time he may restrain me quickly and easily just because he feels like it. I want him to put high protocol in place and maintain it, I want him to treat me as a slave and objectify me as just an object for his entertainment. I don't just want to sit and watch a movie but rather be restrained and gagged so that i can not interrupt with my usual chatted during his movie or forced to lie at his feet like nothing more then a favored pet while we watch a movie. I don't want to go back to life with just a handful of rules but really made to feel and know that I am really a slave again.

Take one Master, one slave mix and you have D/s

It has been far to long since I last posted in this blog but here I am again. The last few months have been fairly quiet on the home front, Master has been back at work fulltime and I had to drop out of uni due to my severe morning sickness. Also as a result of my morning sickness our D/s life has suffered as I have just not been up to doing anything. Morning sickness is getting better now and as a result Master and I have decided to do our best at picking up our lifestlye again and just doing what we can to work around pregnancy issues.

I don't think that either of us have been really happy with the lack of D/s in our life. Its not just the lack of play for me but the lack of dynamics, the lack of structure and the horriable feeling of me being in control of everything when its suppose to be Master in control of things. Now its time to pick things up and try to get back to our dynamic and to be honest I don't want to do it slowely. Right now I need to feel like a slave again and the best way to make me feel like a slave is to run high protocol rules and be strict and almost mean to me, to push me to my limits of serving and really let my mind click over to the fact that I am first and foremost a slave and that serving my Master in my first prioirty not doing what i want to do and serving Master around my wants.

I have been having a lot of scene related dreams of late. Some fairly soft others fairly hardcore. Some with particular fetishes of mine that embarress me and tie in to the humilation side of things such as diaper play. Its been interesting waking up in the morning after those dreams and trying to turn off the side of me that wants to be treated hard and mean.

There's not much more to say right now so I will leave this here and hopefully come back with more in the near future.

How life changes in a one week. One week ago the most exciting thing that was happening In my life was making plans for our wedding. I had just tried on and chosen my wedding dress and my mother had just paid the deposit, the biggest topics of conversation were about what flowers I wanted or how many tiers we wanted the cake to be and I had my life for the next few years planned out. Little did I know that I was soon to hear the words that I had wanted to hear but given up hope that I would ever hear them in this life.
'your pregnant' two little words that mean more then anything else to me, two little words that completely turn my world around, up is down, left is right and the knowledge that there is a tiny life growing within me is the best and scariest thing that I have ever known. Even now almost five days later I am still getting my head around this idea that it is not just me anymore and will not be just me ever again in my life.

Valentine's day dreams

Today is the second Valentines day since we have been together and the second that we have/are ignoring. Last year Adam was too busy packing to move us out of a house that he had been told I was not to go back too and this year we just don't really have any money to do anything. I know that it shouldn't bug me after all isn't it more important to show love on every day of the year not just the one day set aside for it? Its not really skipping Vday thats bugging me though it's the lack of romance in my life. Sure he has bought me the odd bunch of flowers or chocolate (though never the romantic box of chocolates) but he has never done anything like scattering rose petals on the bed and filling to room with candles to make a romantic astmosphere. I guess its not even the romance thing that is bugging me consdiering that when I stop for a moment to think about what I would want more then anything else today its not exactly romance.

What would make the perfect Valentine's day for me? Having my Master back to himself and our 24/7 dynamic happening again. Having Master make me feel like a slave again, having him help me bring out that part of me that I have pushed away to survive the last two months. Having a day of high protocol and lot and lots of play and being used. Having a day where I really do feel like a slave though of course being valentine's day having small romantic twists on things like sensation play involving the use of a rose thorns or romantic candlelight using me as the candleholder, or a romantic dinner when I am bound to the chair and blindfolded, Master feeds me and bite by bite I savor the flavours as he makes me guess what I am eating, earning funishment when I guess wrong, and then he really tests me and pushes me harder then he ever has before but once that it over hehas me kneel and after being pushed and tested all day and proving myself worthy we have a private intimate collaring ceremony where he presents me with a beautiful silver collar that has been made to fit me perfectly and that I can wear all of the time. After he has placed the collar around my neck he helps me up from the floor and before i know what is happening he goes down one one knee and holds out a single red rose to me as he proposes, when I take the rose I find my engagement ring nestled in the centre of the flower.

See i am a hopeless romantic but its much much more then romance that I am craving. I am craving that collar around my neck and ring on my finger, making me his both his slave and his wife to be and making me feel like I am special and deserving of his love and control. Letting me know that I am the slave he wants because he has trained me to what he wants and that I am a good slave not the bad one I often think that I am.

Fears (M/s)

I guess its time for an update here, theres just not that much to say which is why this blog is so quiet at the moment.

Master is still not well though seems to be a little better in some areas. He has his good days but they are always followed by a bad one. His energy is still so low and his mood swings and everything else are just continuing though now every so often I see flashes of my Master and not the stranger that I have been living with for the last month.

Last night we had our first play session since his accidant and it was good, it was good to feel him in that position of control over me, to feel his hands touch me, hear him call me slave and make me beg, it was even good to feel the pain of the whip. In some ways though it is like we have gone back to where we were at the start of our relationship. It was very hard for me to let go and trust that he wouldn't cross the line, that I wouldn't get hurt but in having to let go and trust him I got a buzz that had been missing from our play for some time. I hate that I don't have 100% trust in Master, hate that we have to build it up again but those butterflies in my stomach and the excitment of not knowing what to expect is a very nice ride that I hope to enjoy again some time very soon.

Playing last night may not have been the best thing though as it has awakened that urge to want to play again and again and again which I know that Master is not up too, right now I don't even want to ask him if he is up to something this evening because I am afraid of pushing him too hard, afraid of exhausting him of him going back to being so lost all the time when the flashes of the real him are coming through more and more.

The connection I got from playing also opened up some fears for me that I have not had to face in a while and some are the fears I had at the begining. I am afraid of the future, afraid of submitting and being a 'real' slave in daily life, afraid of 24/7 of never being good enough, afraid that I'm not cut out to be a slave, that I am not good enough at serving (despite the face that I have been caring for Master and giving him the best and hardest service i could ever give someone) afraid that Master deserves someone better then I, but the biggest fear, the one that I don't really want to admit to anyone is that all though I crave the dominance, crave being a slave, feeling like a slave, being made to feel like a slave I am afraid of giving up control of my life again. Afraid of submitting, afraid that he won't be strong enough to find my slave heart and draw it out of me again, afraid that i have burried what i am so deep inside that it is going to be a fight and a huge effort to bring it back out. I know that I will feel the need to push limits, I know I will feel hte need to try and top from the bottom, I know I will feel the need to disobey just to test and see and make sure that it is all real but then if i feel those needs does that not mean I am not a real slave afterall? Wouldn't a real slave just give it up and trust without the need to test? I am a slave yes but I am a strong slave and need a strong Master who is unafraid of putting me in my place, i push and test to make sure that my Master is strong enough to deal with me but still it makes me feel guilty and somehow like I am not 'real'

Lonely

It is hard to explain to anyone just how lonely I feel these days. Master is home and around all the time, my best friend is home a lot of the time, I always have someone around me yet I feel so alone that multiple times a day I lock myself away and cry.

I think a lot of my alone-ness comes from Master being so unwell, we have no play, no sex, and very little physical contact between us and I am craving it so very much yet when ever he does hug me I have to pull away because him holding me hurts too. It hurts because I want so much more that I can not have right now, it hurts because I know it has to end, it hurts because it reminds me of how much I miss feeling his hands on my skin. I never thought that the thing that would get to me most about him being unwell was this, i thought it would be the moodswings or the frustration or memory but not this lack of touch and lack of any real connection feeling between us. Half the time I feel as though I am living with a stranger, there is not that spark between us that was there before he became unwell, that feeling of closeness, of being connected and the absense of that is the most lonely thing I have experienced in a long long time. To have someone there physicaly that i see and talk to every day but for him to not really be there at all is tearing me apart and there is nothing that I can do about it but keep myself strapped in and hold on tight as this ride continues.

Gamble everything for love

Over the years one of the things that has defined me has been my willingness to put everything on the line to find true love. When I first heard Ben lee's gamble everything for love back in 2006 I could have sworn that it had been written for me and since then it has become a motto of sorts for me.


Entry to be continued.