I am feeling a little better about everything now, able to see how me doing what needs to be done is not taking control and oversteeping my place but rather is just another form of service to my Master.
I took some time out for myself to night, to lay in a deep bath, read a little bit of a book I like and then relax and meditate for a while and it has done wonders to clear my mind and help me focus and be more rational myself about what is happening.
I am one of those types of people who need to plan as much as I can for every situation from the trivial to the worst possibility which is why I was looking at the fact that he may never get better and not focusing so much on the fact that he could be over this in days or weeks. To me my way of dealing with something and coping with it is to make plans for how to get through the worst case scenarios while trying my hardest to keep in the back of my mind that those plans may never need to be acted upon.
In this case it took me by surprise so quickly and threw my home life security that i have fought hard to build up in the last 18 months into such a spin that it felt like the ground had dropped out from under me and all i could do was react to things as they happened. For a few days I was okay and thought I was on top of everything and dealing with it and fine but once a name was put to what was going on I fell down into a deep spiral. Its strange how naming something could do that to me while at the same time giving me releif that what was happening was real and not all in the mind (yes i know extremly bad pun but i can't think of any other way or wording it)
Things will get better, I know this in my heart to the very centre of my being. Things will go back to how they use to be or if not quite the way they use to be then we will adapt and find where we are now. Kismet throws many challenges at us throughout our lives, some paths are easy to walk while others are a real challenge but when you get to the end of the hard ones you look back and see that the climb was worth it.
I am now viewing this as the biggest test that someone could give me to prove my commitment and loyalty to my Master and the man that I will become wife to in 13 months time. For a while I have struggled with the idea that perhaps 'i'm not really a slave' or 'that i'm not a good enough slave for him and don't deserve him' and while he has reassured me that this is not so somewhere in the back of my mind the little voices were still whispering that i was and never would be good enough. This is my chance to prove more to myself then anyone else that I am good enough, that I am strong enough, that I am commited enough to be his slave and to wear his collar with pride. That even when things seem to be all hard work without any play that i can still do it and serve him as any slave should serve her Master.
You know what, when i stop and be still and think about it, really think about how much I am serving him at the moment, i feel more complete and more his slave then I have in a long long time. Its a pity it took something like this for me to learn that lesson.
Sorry this post got so long, i sat down to say a simple thank you and things kind of spilt out.
No comments:
Post a Comment