How can i go from being so happy one week to feeling as though the world is falling down around me the next? I thought we understood each other at last, thought that things were getting to be just where we wanted them to be and I was happy, the world made sense and I had hope for the future. Now that hope is gone, now that happiness is so far away I wonder if i will ever even feel okay again. A week ago we were finding out that we were having a little boy and we were over the moon about it. A week ago i knew where life was taking us, a week ago i felt so close to him and so loved and now I feel alone.
Due to things happening in our life our D/s Master/slave aspect to our life is on hold, the goddess knows how long it will be on hold for perhaps it will never be picked up again. I have been living a vanilla life for a little over 24 hours and I am hating it. Nothing makes sense in my world, I am in a position where I hold all the cards when I am the one in control and I hate it. I am not coping and while I know I can function in a vanilla life I am not happy here. Once he got home yesterday I barely ate or drank anything because while I know we are only vanilla a little voice in my head was telling me I had to ask before I could eat or drink. When I went to bed last night I felt so lost without our nightly bedtime ritual. WIthout the things that give my life structure and meaning I don't know who or what I am. A little voice inside my head is screaming at me to just ignore all the issues and go back to being his slave but I can't do that not while there are so many issues that need to be fixed. I just want someone to hold me and tell me its going to me alright and for me to be able to beleive that.
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