Last night would have to be one of the worse nights that I have had since being with Master and today has left me feeling down, alone and wondering if he really does still want me or if he is just saying that so as not to upset me.
It started with a play session that just didn't meet me needs. At first I thought that Master was punishing me because he didn't warm me up first before canning then me and I broke down in tears asking him if i had really been that bad. After holding me and wiping my tears away we continued with impact scene but Master decided to end it and move on to something else which is this case was bondage and sex. As he was tying me up I felt as though I had failed him and were dissapointing him because the way I moved made the knots not work and I could see the annoyance on his face. Then he had me in a predicment bondage position which was great and enjoyable and secure, he started playing with my button however and it hurt, (again I failed) when i told him this again I could see and feel some sort of frustration from him before he had me move on to my back and used me for his own pleasure (which I also enjoyed though left me feeling very antsy) once the sex was over he untied me and it was over with me feeling very much used and walking on very rocky ground when he said that I could not use my buzzy to get my pleasure.
Now that I have given a general overview of the events that took place I can begin to deconstruct them and explain them and why they left me feeling the way that I do now.
1. The second time around with the impact scene my mind was just getting to the place that I call slave space, its not subspace floaty but it is a space I enjoy being in. I think that the endorphins were just starting to run through my body at that point and it was just starting to feel good with me focusing on my breathing and in an almost medative mind state. Stopping when it did meant that I didn't get the endorphin rush and that from the few endorphins I did have caused me to drop.
2. Moving on to bondage was again a similar issue. I love rope and am a rope slut but it stopped just as i was getting to my rope space.
Logicaly I know why we stopped, Master was too tired to continue. However emotionaly it felt like something I really wanted was being waved in my face and then pulled away from me just as I almost had it in my hands, like the bully teasing the kids in the school yard. It felt emotionaly like things ended early because i was bad and that somehow I had failed Master once again.
When he said no to be using my buzzy the whole world started crashing down around me as it hit home that i am a slave and only property. That he can do with me as he wishes no matter how it makes me feel and that I am just here for his enjoyment, pleasure and to make his life easier. I know that I have said in the past many times that I just wanted to feel like a slave, however I have discovered that there are two different ways of feeling that. One if a positive feeling, where everything in the world seems to make sense and you know you are where you are meant to be and that you are safe as your Masters toy, girl, slave that he will look out for your best interests.
The other way is what happened last night, when things leading up to it had felt negative and when needs had not been satisfied and your feeling disssapointed and used (not in the good way) when it hits that you feel this way because your Master did what he wanted too with you and that you had no say or control in it. You feel like you are just property, a toy to be played with and then put away or upgraded when the better model comes out and you begin to wonder if you really want this. In your mind all you can see are the negatives of being a slave and there doesn't seem to be a positive but you say because you love them and you stay because you are there property and you don't have the right to just walk away when someone else owns you.
That someone else can have that much control over you can hit hard and be the scariest thing in the world and you wonder what sort of sick person you are to choose this lifestlye, your brain screams at you to get out while you can, to leave and take control of your own life and do what you want to do when you want but deep inside you can't because you love your Master, because you want to serve them and because deep inside you know that nobody else has ever made you feel the way that he does and that beside him is where you are meant to be.
But you know what thats not all that happened last night if it was perhaps I would not feel so bad now but the events that followed were even worse. One of my others decided that she didn't want Adam in our lives anymore and did everything she could to get rid of him and I think it almost worked. The upshot of that is that Adam was hurt, I was hurt and today I don't really know how I feel apart from wondering why he still wants me and feeling like the worse person in the world. I feel as though he will never want to use me again that from here everything will go vanilla and right now more then anything else I need him to be Master, I need him to be in control, I need him to do a scene with me even just a light one so that I can feel wanted and needed and loved and see that being a slave is a good thing not a bad scary thing.
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