Updated layout (V)

So what does a slave do on a Friday night when she is laying in her bedroom all alone waiting for her Master to want or need her? She updates her journal layout, updates her profile and changes the colour of her journal so it is all in her favorite colours... Yeap I thought it was time that this blog got a new layout that was more me rather then just making too with any template because I was too lazy to be bothered changing it. I am now happy with the way this blog looks, all pink and purple on black which is so much more me then just the pink that it was.

An update on our relationship/ Waiting for punishment - (M/s)

1.04pm

Yesterday Master read my last post in this blog and came to me to talk about it. I didn't tell him that i had updated my blog as I did not want him to feel pressured to read it or to react to it after all if he reacts to something or does something because I have asked for it then doesn't that make me the one who is really in control of this relationship?

So anyway we talked and he explained how he is feeling and how his lack of job equals a lack of abiliy to look after me as he beleives that he should be looking after and then that has made him lose his self confidence both in vanilla related things as well as lifestyle related things. However the outcome of our conversation is that we are going to try to get back to where we were, that we both want to be there but unfortuantly life cicumstances took us out of where we want to be.

7.47pm

I got distracted from my blog entry earlier, unfortuantly the distractions were regular mundane distractions such as going down the shop to buy something for lunch, making lunch and eating it, cleaning up the bedroom a litle and sorting out clothes, all those normal day to day vanilla things that must get done to live a comfortable happy life.

As I was saying earlier Master and I talked and came to the conclusion that we were both going to put in more effort to get back to where we want to be. I am worried that he is only doing this to keep me happy and that if that is so then in reality i am the one in control when it is suppose to be him in control. I have a habit of not telling Master what I need or want because I don't want to look like I am topping from the bottom. I usualy don't tell him when I am craving to be used by him, I don't often tell him when I have a desire to be flogged or tied up because ultimatly I don't want to be a do me sub. If I don't tell him the needs and desires don't get met but when I do tell him I feel bad and feel like I am controlling everything so what do I do? Where is the middle line? What is okay for me to say? Is it okay for me to say to him 'Master I would really like it if you tied me up tonight' as long as i then leave the choice in his hands? But what if I say something like that and he feels that he has to do it to keep me happy? I want Master to play with me because that is what he desires not to play with me because its what I desire. I guess for now I will continue to keep these things to myself until he gives me some direction on what to do when I am in this situation.

Right now not telling Master things has got me in to trouble. I passed out at college yesterday and didn't tell him about it when I know that I should have. I didn't tell him for various reasons the two biggest being that 1. I didn't want him to worry about me, didn't want him to stress anymore then he already has been and 2. I didn't tell him because everything has been feeling vanilla that I thought he didn't really have a right to know after all I was feeling fine and it only happened because I needed to eat something. To my mind he didn't need the stress and since I am fine it was pointless telling him.

I know he is Master and that i shouldn't keep these sort of things from him and so I know that I deserve to be in trouble for doing it. I am waiting for him to punish me at the moment and i feel so bad. I feel as though I have let him down, I feel that I am a bad slave, that I am a dissapointment to him, and to be honest that I am not worth being his slave, he deserves someone much better then I. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and all tied up in knots (in a bad way) and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know how he can bare to be in the same room as me or want to kiss me and hug me still. Why does he care and want to show me affection when I have been so bad? So for now I continue to wait for him to punish me but the longer I wait the guiltier and more sick I feel and the more I feel like I have really stuffed up.

unhappy (M/s)

Words can not really express how much I am longing to be in that submissive/slave mindspace that not so long ago I lived in. I can't really explain how much I am craving that Master/slave interaction and everything that goes along with it from the rules that I must follow on a daily basis to hearing his voice when he gives me an order or the feelings that run free inside of me when we are 'playing.'

I am not quite sure how we got to this point where our day to day life is vanilla and has been for what feels like an eternity. I know that on the surface we can say it is because of our living situation but when i think about it I don't know how much that really holds up. In the begining we were not vanilla even when other people were home, in the begining the dominance and submission was always there no matter what it was we were doing. When people went out we took the chance to play and do things together even when we didn't know how long they would be. We stayed up late at night so that we could do scenes after people went to bed and in our day to day life and interactions there was never any doubt as to who was in charge... so what happened? I miss that life. I feel like now we are just vanilla without even the chocolate topping and it makes me sad. I want to go back to being chocolate, I am willing to put in the effort and work it takes to get back there even while knowing that going from feeling vanilla to being chocolate again can be an emotional journey and for me a difficult one but I am willing to take that journey, need to take that journey because I am not happy how things are currently standing.

Master and I have been having a lot of little problems of late and when I really stop and thing about it I wonder if its because the dynamic has changed between us. Is it happening because both of us have no idea where we stand anymore? Is it happening because neither of us is happy with this relationship right now? I don't want to just be his girlfriend and a bedroom submissive. I feel like a liar when I say that I am a slave these days because is reality right now I am just vanilla. As I type this entry tears are falling and I have to admit that I have cried a lot lately because i don't know if this is going to work. I want to be his slave, want him to be my Master and its not happening. I left the last relationship I was in because my needs were not being meet and I don't want to have to do that again.

We have toys sitting here that we have never even used. A hood that I wanted for a long time that has not even come out of its bag. Will they ever be used?

Willowmoon

Random update (M/s V)

I can't wait until Master has found a new job and we have the money to move in to a place of our own. Sharing a house is okay when the people you are sharing with are lifestyle friendly but when we have to hide our relationship dynamic on a daily basis it starts to wear you down not to mention how frustrating it gets trying to find playtime. Today is a good example we have been home alone all day but can't do anything because we don't know when our housemate is due home all we know is that she doesn't have work today. We don't like doing a scene when we have no idea when people will be home because its highly frustrating to have to stop a scene when it has barely begun. Master could spend half an hour or more tying me up and then find that people get home just after he finishes and he has to untie me which leaves me frustated and dissapointed.

Life is going okay at the moment. We don't have much money which is stressful but we know that things will get better on that front soon. I have gone back to uni to do get my chemistry done in summer school and Master is searching for a job. He has two interviews on Friday so hopefully one of them will turn in to a job. We have spent a fair bit of time at the boys house in Coorparoo just hanging out. We may not have much money but at least we can get out for a little while and go and see friends or go to a Camarilla game.

My goal for today was to get my bedroom cleaned up but I don't think that I am going to get it completed. Its too humid so that after I spent a short amount of time cleaning I find myself covered in sweat and feeling icky. It is getting better slowely though.

I am feeling lonely at the moment. Master is upstairs on his laptop and I am downstairs in my room. It seems when ever we are home he is upstairs and i am downstairs. I don't understand why he must sit in the loungeroom upstairs on his laptop when he use to use it downstairs and be close to me. Perhaps he is just sick of me always being around. I just wish we could spend some time together, time thats not both of us doing things on our computers while in the same room together. I need to feel that he is spending time with me not with his computer.

We didn't get that play session but I did get some intimate time. (D/s)

Well we didn't get to play quite that way I wanted too today, No whips, no floggers, paddles, chain or rope instead just Master and I being intimate. We may not have got to scene as such but we did get to make love/have sex what ever you want to call it and it was good sex. There were deep passionate kisses and Master bringing me to orgasim over and over again with just his fingers... then his tonque... then his fingers. It went on and on and on and when I tried to push him away he just continued until HE had finished. That was quite different for me as usualy when I push him away the stimulation stops but no not this time. This time I was lost in the feelings and emotions of the moment without any other thought in my head beyound this is what Master wants. I let myself relax, I let myself go and let myself submit completly to his touch and it was well worth it. At one stage I grapped a pillow partly to try and hide myself, partly to have something to try and focus on while I was trying to get control of my body, control which i never managed to gain hold off as Master snatched the pillow from me. Once he had done that he had sex with me, used me as he wanted to in various positions, took me hard and fast, gentle and slow even managing to keep me a little off balance in sex and always feeling his control.

Without any toys, or any real commands he managed to make me feel more submissive then i have in a long long time. Unfortuantly my body decided to be bad and I ended the afternoon feeling really sick, as in vomit sick which meant that any more play today was canceled. Tomorrow night we are hoping that we will find the time to play if I am not too exhausted after a day at uni, if i am exhausted after uni then play will have to wait until next Tuesday when we again have the house to ourselves.

We use to play a lot more then we do now, it didn't matter if people were home or not we would just wait until they went to bed but they are staying up until the early hours of the morning and by then both Master and I are too tired to put anything in to a scene which is why we are waiting for those afternoons that we find outselves home alone with nobody else around. In the near future we will be moving in to a place of our own and while Master will have work and I will have study it will be much easier to find time to do scenes then it is now. Thats the thought I cling too when I start to wonder if the D/s is all gone from this relationship, that one day soon we will be in our own place, that our current cicumstance is not for ever.

Wanting/needing play (M/s)

I wanted/needed some intimate time/play time/together time with Master tonight and I am now almost 100% sure that I am not going to get it. It is late here the clock has ticked over from pm to am again, Master is upstairs playing a game on his xbox and I am downstairs doing nothing really just passing the time. I mentioned to him how I was feeling earlier tonight so its not like he doesn't know. Its not just his fault though one of our housemates is still awake which makes doing anything hard.

All night tonight I have wanted Master to play with me, wanted him to tie me up, use me and do what ever to me. Wanted to feel the level of intimacy that only ever really comes out in a scene. Unfortuantly I am tired now and know that when I am tired scenes don't tend to go so well. Its been a while since Master and I had a good scene. Most of the scenes we have done in the last two months have gone wrong in one way or another and have ended up with either Master, myself or both of us frustrated and upset.

Tomorrow afternoon the house should be empty apart from us and apart from a Doctors appointment in the morning we have no plans for tomorrow so hopefully Master will feel like using that free alone time to do something with me.

Back to normal life (M/s)

Master and I have been away for most of the last two weeks. We went on holiday to Melbourne for Christmas and while down there I met his family and he met mine. I am pleased to report that the meetings and spending time with each others families was a success. My family approves of him and I am fairly sure that his family approves of me. Our holiday had its ups and downs but overall was enjoyable I think my two favorite bits of the holiday were going to Draculas (A dinner/theatre restraunt) and Master playing with me in the hotel room. Now we are home again and slipping back in to our normal lives. Master is job hunting and I am getting ready to begin my second year at ACNM. (Australian College of Natural Medicine)

Part of getting back to our normal lives also requires us to get back to our normal 24/7 Master slave relationship that feels as though it has been on hold for months. I don't want another relationship that stops and starts and I am so afraid that this relationship is going to go down that track. Its hard right now because it is that bad time of month but I just want Master to take control to know and feel that I am his slave and that is all that matters. I don't want to have to turn around to him and tell him that I want him to play with me or that i want him to do this or that because thats topping from the bottom. So I sit here and wait hoping that sometime soon he will be ready to pick up the reigns again. I don't tell him when I update here because telling him is is reality telling him to read it and as a slave its not my place to make demands on what he does and does not do.

Willow