An update on our relationship/ Waiting for punishment - (M/s)

1.04pm

Yesterday Master read my last post in this blog and came to me to talk about it. I didn't tell him that i had updated my blog as I did not want him to feel pressured to read it or to react to it after all if he reacts to something or does something because I have asked for it then doesn't that make me the one who is really in control of this relationship?

So anyway we talked and he explained how he is feeling and how his lack of job equals a lack of abiliy to look after me as he beleives that he should be looking after and then that has made him lose his self confidence both in vanilla related things as well as lifestyle related things. However the outcome of our conversation is that we are going to try to get back to where we were, that we both want to be there but unfortuantly life cicumstances took us out of where we want to be.

7.47pm

I got distracted from my blog entry earlier, unfortuantly the distractions were regular mundane distractions such as going down the shop to buy something for lunch, making lunch and eating it, cleaning up the bedroom a litle and sorting out clothes, all those normal day to day vanilla things that must get done to live a comfortable happy life.

As I was saying earlier Master and I talked and came to the conclusion that we were both going to put in more effort to get back to where we want to be. I am worried that he is only doing this to keep me happy and that if that is so then in reality i am the one in control when it is suppose to be him in control. I have a habit of not telling Master what I need or want because I don't want to look like I am topping from the bottom. I usualy don't tell him when I am craving to be used by him, I don't often tell him when I have a desire to be flogged or tied up because ultimatly I don't want to be a do me sub. If I don't tell him the needs and desires don't get met but when I do tell him I feel bad and feel like I am controlling everything so what do I do? Where is the middle line? What is okay for me to say? Is it okay for me to say to him 'Master I would really like it if you tied me up tonight' as long as i then leave the choice in his hands? But what if I say something like that and he feels that he has to do it to keep me happy? I want Master to play with me because that is what he desires not to play with me because its what I desire. I guess for now I will continue to keep these things to myself until he gives me some direction on what to do when I am in this situation.

Right now not telling Master things has got me in to trouble. I passed out at college yesterday and didn't tell him about it when I know that I should have. I didn't tell him for various reasons the two biggest being that 1. I didn't want him to worry about me, didn't want him to stress anymore then he already has been and 2. I didn't tell him because everything has been feeling vanilla that I thought he didn't really have a right to know after all I was feeling fine and it only happened because I needed to eat something. To my mind he didn't need the stress and since I am fine it was pointless telling him.

I know he is Master and that i shouldn't keep these sort of things from him and so I know that I deserve to be in trouble for doing it. I am waiting for him to punish me at the moment and i feel so bad. I feel as though I have let him down, I feel that I am a bad slave, that I am a dissapointment to him, and to be honest that I am not worth being his slave, he deserves someone much better then I. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and all tied up in knots (in a bad way) and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know how he can bare to be in the same room as me or want to kiss me and hug me still. Why does he care and want to show me affection when I have been so bad? So for now I continue to wait for him to punish me but the longer I wait the guiltier and more sick I feel and the more I feel like I have really stuffed up.