The last few days have been very up down going from being happy and laughing one moment to sad and crying the next, its a cycle that keeps repeating itself and I honestly don't know why. Master and I keep seeming to get into arguments and fighting and it is really upsetting me and making me cry more then I have cried in a long time. Its over litte things mostly but everytime we argue it feels like a knife digging in to my heart and makes me deeply sad. I just want the tension and the arguments to stop, I just want to be happy and serve my Master.
Right now I don't know why he would want me or why he loves me, I feel like all I do is cause problems, like I am a really bad person that doesn't deserve to be here. Master may say that I am being silly but this is how I feel right now. He tells me that he loves me because I am caring, he tells me he loves me because most of the time I am obediant. He tells me that the slave doesn't need to know why Master loves her and why he wants her and now I feel worse because right at the moment I do need to know. When ever we fight or discuss it afterwards I feel as though they are all my fault. I feel as though I can't say or do anything right and like any time I open my mouth I am going to say the wrong thing. It might just be easier if I say nothing at all and live a silent life or perhaps easier if i just go away and live on my own somewhere that people don't have to be subjected to the bad person that I am.
In the past I have had a problem with self harm, my body bares many scars of this past. Right now for the first time in about a year I am urging badly to hurt myself. Urging to see the blood and feel the pain as I cut myself. To feel the release that I only feel when I hurt myself and see that blood but can not explain the feeling of release to anyone else. I can't do it though, can't hurt myself again when I have been doing so well, can't hurt myself again and dissapoint the people that for some strange unknown reason care about me and my well being. I can't stand the dissapointment I see in their eyes when they see fresh cuts and I don't think I could handle dissapointing Master like that. So right now all I can do is lay here and cry and do my best to resist that urge that I thought I had at last mastered.
Willow
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
No play yet again (M/s)
Again we were going to play tonight, again our housemates have stuffed that up, well actaully our housemates 9 year old child who also happens to be the Master of this house for all intents and purposes, what he wants happens and if it doesn't his tantrums make sure it does. His parents don't know how to control him and get the shits with us if we dark suggest that he is out of control (which he is)
There is a light in sight however and I know that within the next month or so Master and I will be out of here. So yeah again no play tonight and its neither Master's or my fault. It makes me little sad though as he starts work next week which means our normal playtime during the day when nobody is home will go bye bye. I guess this is the real world though not the fantasy 24/7 that so many live in.
There is a light in sight however and I know that within the next month or so Master and I will be out of here. So yeah again no play tonight and its neither Master's or my fault. It makes me little sad though as he starts work next week which means our normal playtime during the day when nobody is home will go bye bye. I guess this is the real world though not the fantasy 24/7 that so many live in.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
No play again (M/s V)
Posting because I have too not because I want too. Not much is happening at the moment. Master and I have decided that we are going to save some money by moving in with two of our friends that way we can get a nice house not just a crappy apartment. My best friend and I are planning an overseas trip for the end of year unfortuantly it doesn't look as though Master will be able to join us as he will have to work. The idea of going away without him makes me sad and the idea of going away on a trip that he is helping me pay for without him makes me feel extremly guilty. He tells me that he wants me to go, that he wants me to have a good time and that he won't let me back out of it as I need to experience the world but I know he is sad at the idea of me going away and I wouldn't hesitate to guess that he is also a little envious of it. I just hope that it doesn't cause problems between us as the trip draws closer.
We were suppose to play tonight. Master told me this afternoon that he had planned something that we could do even if people were still awake. Unfortuantly it is now almost midnight and I have to get up for uni in the morning so it doesn't look s though we are going to play. I am feeling dissapointed about that as it has been something I have been looking forward to all day, right down to wearing a gstring today because a gstring makes me feel sexy and submissive and I wanted to be in the right frame of mind for Master, I even had a shower and used the body wash that makes me feel sexy and lights my spark so to speak. Now I have to deal with this dissapointment and try hard not to get angry at the person who's fault it is. Who's fault for the delay in play? Master's sister she made a comment about us moving in with my ex which really got to Master and has thrown him off completly.
Willow
We were suppose to play tonight. Master told me this afternoon that he had planned something that we could do even if people were still awake. Unfortuantly it is now almost midnight and I have to get up for uni in the morning so it doesn't look s though we are going to play. I am feeling dissapointed about that as it has been something I have been looking forward to all day, right down to wearing a gstring today because a gstring makes me feel sexy and submissive and I wanted to be in the right frame of mind for Master, I even had a shower and used the body wash that makes me feel sexy and lights my spark so to speak. Now I have to deal with this dissapointment and try hard not to get angry at the person who's fault it is. Who's fault for the delay in play? Master's sister she made a comment about us moving in with my ex which really got to Master and has thrown him off completly.
Willow
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
On waiting for punishment (M/s)
Dom's/Master's just don't understand how a sub/slave feels when they have done something wrong and/or dissapointed their Master. Think back to being a child and getting a bad report card or having to go home to tell your parents you failed a test. Your stomach twisted in knots, you felt as though there was a lead weight in the bit of your stomach and you felt like you were going to be sick. Emotionaly you were a mess, would they yell at you? Would they punish you? Were you a bad person? Perhaps it was easier to just not tell them but if you did that they would find out anyway as if you didn't take back a signed note to the teacher the teacher would call them. Its just like that for me as a slave when I have done something wrong or dissapointed Master. Its not just an emotional reaction of guilt, worthlessness, sadness and dissapointment but has physical components that take over the whole body.
What makes it worse is when a Master takes time to deal with it, when they leave you stewing in your own juices so to speak for a day or more perfore informing you of the discipline they are givng you. I know that some Master's/Dom type people take time before discplining a slave/sub type so that the s type can really think about what they have done wrong and that can often be part of the discipline/punishment itself, however do the Master/Dom types really want their property to be miserable for a day or more? Do they really want us to feel physicaly sick? Considering the amount of Dom types that do make us wait I guess that they do want this.
Personaly I know that when I am waiting for punishment/discipline I feel like the world around me is collapsing and there is nothing for me to cling to and keep my head above water. Waiting longer then a few hours turns me in to a nervous wreck and impacts my ability to serve my Master. I start to withdraw and pull away from any closesness or intimacy and thoughts of worthlessness and of being a bad slave go round and round in my head. Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, perhaps other slaves don't go through what I do and its just something that comes from my perfectionist traits and the fact that my sense of worth is often tied in to what I have done that is good so when I do bad my sense of worth drops. I guess in a lot of ways I can be like the little child who is desparte to please their parent/carer, who just wants to hear someone say you did well I am proud of you. I know that its not healthy but it is me.
What bought up this post today is that I forgot to post in my blog yesterday. As it is having to post daily is discipline for my lack of communication with Master so then forgetting to do the discipline made me feel ten times worse then the original issue did. I guess rightly so after all a discipline is suppose to teach and make you learn and do better and I can't even get a punishment right. I realised last night and told Master and he said that we would deal with it today. As you can tell by what I have posted here I don't do too well with having to wait and right now I am still waiting and still feeling sick. I felt so bad last night that I cried myself to sleep.
Willow
What makes it worse is when a Master takes time to deal with it, when they leave you stewing in your own juices so to speak for a day or more perfore informing you of the discipline they are givng you. I know that some Master's/Dom type people take time before discplining a slave/sub type so that the s type can really think about what they have done wrong and that can often be part of the discipline/punishment itself, however do the Master/Dom types really want their property to be miserable for a day or more? Do they really want us to feel physicaly sick? Considering the amount of Dom types that do make us wait I guess that they do want this.
Personaly I know that when I am waiting for punishment/discipline I feel like the world around me is collapsing and there is nothing for me to cling to and keep my head above water. Waiting longer then a few hours turns me in to a nervous wreck and impacts my ability to serve my Master. I start to withdraw and pull away from any closesness or intimacy and thoughts of worthlessness and of being a bad slave go round and round in my head. Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, perhaps other slaves don't go through what I do and its just something that comes from my perfectionist traits and the fact that my sense of worth is often tied in to what I have done that is good so when I do bad my sense of worth drops. I guess in a lot of ways I can be like the little child who is desparte to please their parent/carer, who just wants to hear someone say you did well I am proud of you. I know that its not healthy but it is me.
What bought up this post today is that I forgot to post in my blog yesterday. As it is having to post daily is discipline for my lack of communication with Master so then forgetting to do the discipline made me feel ten times worse then the original issue did. I guess rightly so after all a discipline is suppose to teach and make you learn and do better and I can't even get a punishment right. I realised last night and told Master and he said that we would deal with it today. As you can tell by what I have posted here I don't do too well with having to wait and right now I am still waiting and still feeling sick. I felt so bad last night that I cried myself to sleep.
Willow
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Formal Master's dinners and some thougts on communication (M/s)
Today I spent a lot of time researching formal 'Master's' dinners, the procols involved, the various forms they take ect. The more I researched the more I came to the conclusion that I would not enjoy this type of situation and the reason that I wouldn't enjoy it is because of the separation between Master's and slaves. For some reason I am viewing it as the Master's are better then and worth more then he subs/slaves. Reading forums and interacting in various D/s related groups I often get the feeling that the Dom types hold themselves above the submissive types, they seem to think that they are better then the submissive types, more intelligent, worth more and that attitute bothers me. I don't know why the idea of a formal dinner makes me feel that the Dom types are thinking that they are better then the submissives but it just does.
Sometimes I read things or have conversations with people that make me wonder if I am really a slave. The topic on formal dinners is one such topic that brings this up for me. I love dinner partys, love cooking and serving and pleasing my Master but the idea of the formal High protocol dinner where a slave serves, is not spoken too, does not join in conversation bothers me. The reason it bothers me is that I am one of those people that love to be able to put my ideas forward in a discussion. I have found that often in a group situation when I am not allowed to speak that I feel isolated and alone and used (not in a good way) I begin to think that I am worthless, that nothing I think or feel matters and from there I start to resent serving, start to resent Master and being a slave and everything that goes along with it. I resent the feeling that my views are not worth anything, are not important just because I am a slave and that for some reason being a slave makes me less of a person.
I know that there are so many people who think there version of what a D/s lifestyle is like is the only 'true' way of doing it but most people at least have things that overlap with anothers idea of 'true' 24/7. If i go by those people and their beleives then the fact that I feel this way about speech makes me not a 'true' slave. The fact that I would not like to be in a situation where I could not join in conversation makes me not a 'true' slave. Still even though I am feeling negative towards the idea I would like to try a formal Master's dinner one day for all I know the pleasure I would get from knowing I served my Master well and that he was pleased with me would outweigh the negative side of not being able to communicate.
Perhaps the communication issue comes from being a gemini or perhaps it comes from how often I get left out of conversations in the normal vanilla world because I am not loud enough and outgoing enough to make myself heard. In the normal vanilla world I often get talked over, often feel frustrated and annoyed at not being heard, at nobody caring what I have to say and when I think about it perhaps my issue with speech of lack of it in a D/s sense comes from my vanilla experiences. I guess it is yet another issue to work at overcoming so that I may be a better slave for my Master.
Sometimes I read things or have conversations with people that make me wonder if I am really a slave. The topic on formal dinners is one such topic that brings this up for me. I love dinner partys, love cooking and serving and pleasing my Master but the idea of the formal High protocol dinner where a slave serves, is not spoken too, does not join in conversation bothers me. The reason it bothers me is that I am one of those people that love to be able to put my ideas forward in a discussion. I have found that often in a group situation when I am not allowed to speak that I feel isolated and alone and used (not in a good way) I begin to think that I am worthless, that nothing I think or feel matters and from there I start to resent serving, start to resent Master and being a slave and everything that goes along with it. I resent the feeling that my views are not worth anything, are not important just because I am a slave and that for some reason being a slave makes me less of a person.
I know that there are so many people who think there version of what a D/s lifestyle is like is the only 'true' way of doing it but most people at least have things that overlap with anothers idea of 'true' 24/7. If i go by those people and their beleives then the fact that I feel this way about speech makes me not a 'true' slave. The fact that I would not like to be in a situation where I could not join in conversation makes me not a 'true' slave. Still even though I am feeling negative towards the idea I would like to try a formal Master's dinner one day for all I know the pleasure I would get from knowing I served my Master well and that he was pleased with me would outweigh the negative side of not being able to communicate.
Perhaps the communication issue comes from being a gemini or perhaps it comes from how often I get left out of conversations in the normal vanilla world because I am not loud enough and outgoing enough to make myself heard. In the normal vanilla world I often get talked over, often feel frustrated and annoyed at not being heard, at nobody caring what I have to say and when I think about it perhaps my issue with speech of lack of it in a D/s sense comes from my vanilla experiences. I guess it is yet another issue to work at overcoming so that I may be a better slave for my Master.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The slave space. (M/s)
So Master wants me to start communicating more, fair enough too considering how bad I can get at it. It seems that the more I go in to slave space the harder I find it to communicate, the harder it is to make my needs and desires known which kind of brings up a catch 22. I want to be in that slave space more then anything and am willing to go through what ever Master wants to do to me to get there however I know that once I get there communication shuts down a lot and that makes me worry that Master will not want me to go back to that space.
Right now more then anything I want to get back to slave space, need to get back to slave space but it takes so much work and effort for both Master and I to get me there that I know it will not happen today. It takes physical sensation such as the flogging/paddling ect that Master gave me earlier but it also takes a bit of breaking down my walls and breaking me a little bit. I think that the psychological side of it is a lot harder then anything else but for me its the most important bit. The psychological bit can hurt like hell while its happening, it can make me question why I want this, if I really want this and if I can do this. At times it brings me to a point where I feel like I am nothing, worth nothing and will never amount to anything, it brings to points where I hate Master and just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone.
Once I am at that place however it takes a wonderful caring Master to bring me back and on the other side of the darkness is a place that is full of light and love, a place where I am secure and at peace within my self and my own slave heart, a place where the world makes sense, where I know what is expected of me and where I am full of joy and love for my Master. That place i am speaking of is the place that I long to get back too. It is a spiritual journey as much as it is a slave journey and it is a journey that takes a lot out of Master. It requires him to be able to put me through hell, to say things that touch raw nerves and requires him to be able to stand back and watch as I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Am I wrong for wanting this journey? Am I wrong for wishing Master would break me (just a little break not the big one) I feel as though I need this to break out of the vanilla mind set that I have been in for the past two months. To get myself back to where I need to be. I need the walls I have built up to be broken down so that I can be free to be me.
Willowmoon
Right now more then anything I want to get back to slave space, need to get back to slave space but it takes so much work and effort for both Master and I to get me there that I know it will not happen today. It takes physical sensation such as the flogging/paddling ect that Master gave me earlier but it also takes a bit of breaking down my walls and breaking me a little bit. I think that the psychological side of it is a lot harder then anything else but for me its the most important bit. The psychological bit can hurt like hell while its happening, it can make me question why I want this, if I really want this and if I can do this. At times it brings me to a point where I feel like I am nothing, worth nothing and will never amount to anything, it brings to points where I hate Master and just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone.
Once I am at that place however it takes a wonderful caring Master to bring me back and on the other side of the darkness is a place that is full of light and love, a place where I am secure and at peace within my self and my own slave heart, a place where the world makes sense, where I know what is expected of me and where I am full of joy and love for my Master. That place i am speaking of is the place that I long to get back too. It is a spiritual journey as much as it is a slave journey and it is a journey that takes a lot out of Master. It requires him to be able to put me through hell, to say things that touch raw nerves and requires him to be able to stand back and watch as I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Am I wrong for wanting this journey? Am I wrong for wishing Master would break me (just a little break not the big one) I feel as though I need this to break out of the vanilla mind set that I have been in for the past two months. To get myself back to where I need to be. I need the walls I have built up to be broken down so that I can be free to be me.
Willowmoon
Discipline vs Punishment (BDSM)
I am so use to being in D/s relationships where the only form of punishment used is pain such as canning or flogging that I think sometimes I forget that there are other ways to punish. I don't even know if punish is the right word perhaps discipline is a better word then punishment because to be honest if I have done something bad enough that I mut be punished over it then I have done something bad enough that the relationship should be ended while dicipline is just a way of correcting bad/wrong behaviour and teaching pleasing ways of behaving. So discipline is a much better word.
Anyway as usual I have gone off track from what I wanted to say. What I was going to say was that Master has decided that as discipline for keeping things from him that I must make a blog entry every day for the next 14 days. If I fail to update my blog then he will punish me. I think this discipline is fair enough and fits the crime so to speak after all it forces me to communicate what is going on.
Willow
Anyway as usual I have gone off track from what I wanted to say. What I was going to say was that Master has decided that as discipline for keeping things from him that I must make a blog entry every day for the next 14 days. If I fail to update my blog then he will punish me. I think this discipline is fair enough and fits the crime so to speak after all it forces me to communicate what is going on.
Willow
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