On waiting for punishment (M/s)

Dom's/Master's just don't understand how a sub/slave feels when they have done something wrong and/or dissapointed their Master. Think back to being a child and getting a bad report card or having to go home to tell your parents you failed a test. Your stomach twisted in knots, you felt as though there was a lead weight in the bit of your stomach and you felt like you were going to be sick. Emotionaly you were a mess, would they yell at you? Would they punish you? Were you a bad person? Perhaps it was easier to just not tell them but if you did that they would find out anyway as if you didn't take back a signed note to the teacher the teacher would call them. Its just like that for me as a slave when I have done something wrong or dissapointed Master. Its not just an emotional reaction of guilt, worthlessness, sadness and dissapointment but has physical components that take over the whole body.

What makes it worse is when a Master takes time to deal with it, when they leave you stewing in your own juices so to speak for a day or more perfore informing you of the discipline they are givng you. I know that some Master's/Dom type people take time before discplining a slave/sub type so that the s type can really think about what they have done wrong and that can often be part of the discipline/punishment itself, however do the Master/Dom types really want their property to be miserable for a day or more? Do they really want us to feel physicaly sick? Considering the amount of Dom types that do make us wait I guess that they do want this.

Personaly I know that when I am waiting for punishment/discipline I feel like the world around me is collapsing and there is nothing for me to cling to and keep my head above water. Waiting longer then a few hours turns me in to a nervous wreck and impacts my ability to serve my Master. I start to withdraw and pull away from any closesness or intimacy and thoughts of worthlessness and of being a bad slave go round and round in my head. Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, perhaps other slaves don't go through what I do and its just something that comes from my perfectionist traits and the fact that my sense of worth is often tied in to what I have done that is good so when I do bad my sense of worth drops. I guess in a lot of ways I can be like the little child who is desparte to please their parent/carer, who just wants to hear someone say you did well I am proud of you. I know that its not healthy but it is me.

What bought up this post today is that I forgot to post in my blog yesterday. As it is having to post daily is discipline for my lack of communication with Master so then forgetting to do the discipline made me feel ten times worse then the original issue did. I guess rightly so after all a discipline is suppose to teach and make you learn and do better and I can't even get a punishment right. I realised last night and told Master and he said that we would deal with it today. As you can tell by what I have posted here I don't do too well with having to wait and right now I am still waiting and still feeling sick. I felt so bad last night that I cried myself to sleep.

Willow