Lessons in latex (BDSM)

Lesson learnt for the day at the expense of a subbie friend of mine. LATEX IS NOT AN EVERYDAY WEAR THING.

The poor girl had a fantasy - Latex is so sexy and yummy surely it would be nice to own a few pieces. Her Master gave her a box of latex things for V day - panties, gloves, skirt, bra, crotchless panties and a garter belt. Later in conversation she mentioned how something he had been making her do that she hated in the beginning she now liked (wear heels, stockings and skirt everyday) so her lovely but inexperienced Master decided to order her to wear latex everyday... hmmm not a good idea. The only piece that doesn't show under her work clothes in the panties and well latex doesn't really breath so well so I am sure you can imagine the result. Heres what she had to say...

I've gone from thinking about latex wear as sexy and slutty, to seeing it for what it really is - nasty, dirty, sweaty and chafing torture devices. And not in the positive sense of "torture". It's just gross all around. I am NOT feeling sexy, naughty and all that - I just feel g-r-o-s-s.

So, issues with the latex -
1. For reasons of practicality, I can only wear the panties under my work clothes. Everything else either shows or is way too hot. I'm in Orlando, so even in February it's warm.

2. I sweat. It's icky.

3. After three days in a row last week, my personal bits were about to rebel. I won't go into detail (TMI), but I know that long hours of wearing of latex down there is not healthy.

4. GAS. All I'm going to say. Latex panties may look sexy, but they're NOT.

5. They chafe.

I hate to be negative about His gift, but omg I think of Him every time I pass gas now. Why? Because it is hard to deal with, so I think "Well, wearing this makes Him happy" every time it happens because it helps me deal with it. So now I associate farting with my Dom. NOT the intention He had in mind, I'm sure.

Collared (M/s)

Life moves and changes sometimes in little ways sometimes in much bigger ways. My life has done a lot of moving and changing in the last six months but I am glad for the changes, I have learnt a lot in that six months, I have learnt to stand up for myself, I have learnt that its okay to be independant even though I am a slave. I have learnt that I often misjudge myself and my abilitys and that I am a much stronger person then I often give myself credit for. I have learnt that I can be loved without having to earn love, I have learnt that I can love and give myself to someone and that the fear of getting hurt can go away.

Yes being loved and giving myself to someone is a wonderful thing. What is more wonderful is hearing Master telling me that I am his girl now, that I belong to him and that he loves me. Yesterday he collared me which means that I no longer wear his consideration collar, now I am his for real and I know that his not just going to get rid of me. When he locked the collar around my neck it felt so good and so overwhelming that I coulnd't find the words I wanted to say and Master thought that I wasn't happy. I am happy infact more then happy but the act of him locking a collar on me sent me so far in to my slave mind that I couldn't string words together to express how I felt. It felt so good and so right and still does today. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so loved and wanted.

Life Changes (V)

Wow what can I say about the last few days? Not much really as I am still trying to get my head around it all. Shit broke out on Tuesday night about food of all things though it got bigger and blew up from there and for Master and I it really was the last straw. As soon as I woke up Wednesday morning I picked up my study bag threw some clothes in another bag and left detertimined that I would never go back to that house again. Truth be told I was willing to leave Master and move to Melbourne or Townesville if thats what was needed for me to have a roof over my head thankfully it didn't come to that and I sorted out somewhere for Master and I to move in too - My old home and currently the home of my closest friends so thats where I am now.

Unfortuantly Master is still back at the old place as his 'sister' guessed that we were moving out and lost it big time at him. He told me some of the things she said and they seem mostly to revolve around how bad I am for him, how he is my puppet (If only she really knew what sort of relationship we have and anyway Brad is more her puppet then I have ever seen someone be a puppet before talk about the pot calling the kettle) how I was only using him for his payout (hmmm funny that he had to fight with me almost everytime he wanted to buy me something because I didn't want him spending that money on me) Apprently I am a liar and what ever else she had to say that Master hasn't repeated back to me. Yes I am upset about all of this, a lot more then I am showing at the moment as I feel that I have to lock it all away so that I can focus on my exam preparation. I know that I tried my best, I know that I did what I could to give her advice, to support her when she was having a bad time, to help her around the house and with her son and to just be there as a friend but somewhere along the line she decided I was the worst person in the world and a liar and that hurts when I tried so hard to make it all work.

So anyway Master said some things back, told her partner the truth about her wanting to leave him and she stormed out. Somewhere in their conversation it was said that I am not welcome in her house anymore and thats fine with me because I never want to go there again. On Tuesday night I almost killed myself because she had pushed an old trigger in me, I managed to get through that urge but its going to be a while before I find my balance point again.

The good news out of it all though is that Master and I have a much healthier environment to live in and a house where we can play when ever we want regardless of if anyone else is home or not because the other two people that live in the house both have kinky sides of their own. I can start eating the way like to eat again as well as being able to cut out the foods that I am not meant to be eating such as wheat, dairy and soy.

Food (V)

I don't really have much of interest to say goodnight. Right now I am tired, hungry and annoyed and Master is annoyed too. What has annoyed us once again is our housemates lack of consideration. They have gone out somewhere we don't know when they will be back and there is nothing in the house for dinner. I know this sounds petty and to anyone reading it they would be thinking well go and buy something but its not that simple. We pay food money with our rent and our house mate does the shopping, I have offered to do it but she is such a control freak that she won't let me, goddes forbid that I would actaully use the money on healthy food rather then junk. We would go out and buy ourselfs something to eat however we are broke until Friday not to mention we shouldn't have to go and buy extra food when we already pay for food, hell we already end up buying ourselves lunch stuff and dinner a few times a week, often because she has bought fish and not got me anything when she knows that I am alergic to fish so its either have a potatoe for dinner (Not kidding this has happened a few times now that all I have had for dinner in potatoe) Theres no use trying to talk to her about it we have done that multiple times and there is always some excuse why its not done and nothing is ever fixed

The difference between Master and slave (V, M/s)

I'm stressed, so stressed right now that I just broke down in to tears over my favorite pen running out of ink. Okay so it wasn't really the ink that was just the straw that broke the slaves back. I have a big exam in less then a week and feel no where near ready for it. I have had too miss two classes due to not being very well and have not been able to find time, motivation or anywhere o study at home. If I went in to the exam tomorrow I know full well that I would fail it. I don't know how to do the stuff indepenatly without my notes next to me. There is so much to remember right now, six weeks of classes that i have had to learn and remember in two weeks, thats not even enough time for the new material to make it in to long term memory. Is it any wonder that I am stressed?

I know that Master has his own stressed with starting work and I know that he is tired but right now I just don't feel very supported. My whole body is aching, I woke up with the worst back ache that I have had in months and it only got worse as the day went on until right now it hurts to move. I need a massage but don't want to ask Master for one as everytime I ask him for one I feel that he doesn't really want to give me one but just wants to get me off hisback. Right now it would be nice for him to come in and just offer one of his own back because he loves me and knows that I am stressed and not coping.

I know I am the slave and its my job to do things for my Master not the other way around but right now I can't help but think it would be nice for him to offer to do something for me. I know his tired but so am I and I still offered and made him a coffee, fixed his drink bottle for his lunch tomorrow and am about to go and make his lunch for tomorrow.

I guess thats the difference between Master and slave, even when the slave is tired it is still her job to make sure the Master has everything he needs, is comfortable and doesn't want for anything. She still has to do her duties regardless of how she is feeling. When a Master is tired all he has to do is sit there and be waited on by his slave, anything he needs all he has to do is ask and he will receive. He doesn't have to do anything and can just relax. Sometimes I think that those with the slave mindset/desires really did draw the short straw in life.

Introspection and thoughts on tensions at home and myself (V)

I'm tired today but thats not a big surprise considering I had class this morning and slept badly last night. I got home this afternoon and decided to try and just have a friendly conversation with one of my house mates Lybbie, things have been tense there since we had some issues last week. She kind of carried on a tense conversation with me one of those one sided things where getting anything meaningful is like getting water out of a stone. She mentioned while I was talking to her that she thinks that Brad and I need to talk. Now the way she said it implied that Brad has a problem with me and she wants us to sort it out. Okay so yes all four of us has issues last week but I said one thing and one thing only. I said that her child nicknamed squid was out of control and of course this was not taken too well and from what I can tell and have been told upset her and Brad.

I know that there were better ways I could have said it and that they must have felt that I was making a personal attack on them but thats so far from the truth. I was frustrated as squid had spent hours throwing tantrums and throws tantrums most days. To me this is out of control. I didn't mean it as a personal attack but just wanted them to begin to do something to fix his behavior. I was tired after uni, sick and grumpy that night and I think most of us were tired. To me now in hindsight it seems like such a minor thing that I just want us all to get over and move on but it doesn't look like that will happen.

I have been told in the past by this couple that I have to have a thought about everything, that I always have to be right and that I make other people feel bad and not want to talk to me because they feel like no matter what they say to me I know better. Of course I have thoughts on everything don't we all? and in a discussion you share your thoughts on things if the topic comes up right? Okay I will be honest I know that I can get a bee in my bonnet about some things and if I am 100% sure of something I hate it when someone corrects me and tells me that I am wrong. In those situations (they are usually related either to something I am studying or something that is a hobby/interest of mine) I do tend to not listen to what someone else is saying because I feel that I know better and I will often go out of my way to get proof that I was right and they were wrong. I know this is one of my worst traits and I know it annoys people so I try and catch myself when I realize that I am doing it. The things that have been spoken about in this house that they are annoyed at my attitude tend to be things to do with health care of nutrition and I get annoyed that they won't listen to me when I have worked in the industry, am studying in the industry and have a lot of personal experience in the industry.

Since that day last November when I was told those things I have shut down a lot, not just when I am home but also when I am with my friends. Nathan and Cameron have both commented that I am quieter then I use to be and that I don't tend to share as much or join in conversations as much anymore, I tend to only put my ideas forward when it is something that is important or when I am asked a direct question other then that I sit back and just observe the conversation flowing around me. Its lonely living life this way and sometimes it makes me want to just avoid doing anything with anybody but it is easier then upsetting people I care about and so it is a sacrifice I make.

I got on to talking about me not talking when I was meaning to talk about something else. What I was going to say is that I don't feel Brad and Lybbie like me, I feel as though they only accept me because I am with Adam and would much prefer that I not be around. I try to show an interest in their life, ask them how they are, how there day/weekend has been, how their hobbies are going and get barely any feedback and I am starting to get frustrated that they show no interest in my life as friends usually would do. They never ask how uni is, or how my day was so why should I bother trying to be friends with them?

From now on I think that I will just attempt to keep the relationship with them to one of house mates not friends. I will be civil and polite, clean up after myself and try to impact there life as little as possible. It won't be long now until we move out of here and then things will be much nicer for me in my home situation but the question is will I ever go back to being the Jen that my friends know, the girl who is always happy to share who thoughts without prompting... to be honest I don't think I will. I think that there is a small scar somewhere deep inside that has changed me and made me a different person and this is one of those differences between the old Jen and the new Jen.

Want. (M/s)

I'm feeling better today though to be honest I still feel as though I am not a very good person or a very good slave/partner. My self confidance seems to have vanished and I don't know where it went, perhaps it ran away at the same time that passion ran away.

Don't mind me i'm just feeling a little bitter and resentful at the moment. With all the arguments that Master and I have had of late we have not had much intimate time, no playing/scenes and not even make up sex. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong that he never seems to want to do more then just kiss me these days. Is it that I really am that bad person that I think I am? I miss passion, I miss dominance over me and I really really don't want to have to top from the bottom and ask for it but if I don't ask for it how do I get my needs met?

Right now I am craving his dominance over me, I want to feel it emotionaly and physicaly. Want to feel him hold me down and assert his authority over me, want to hear the tone in his voice that puts me in to slave space with very little effort. Want him to tie me up and use me for his pleasure regardless of mine and then just leave me there ready and waiting for him and what ever he wishes to do to me. I want him to make me kneel in submission and really feel the slave side of me. I want so much and feel so bad about wanting at all.

Willow